husbands.... and how mumsnetters react .....is it different for us older folks?

I have been lurking on Mumsnet in the Relationships section. There are some really sad stories and they are helped by some excellent advice.

One woman who went to court yesterday was in a terrible position, husband wanted a baby, a few years later he decided he wants a women who has money and so the poster is left with a four year child who has autism. Because she has no money she represented herself. Her husband and the other women gave her a really hard time. I am sure the outcome in court would have been very different if it hadn't have been for excellent advice and support she received over two threads during the last year. One of the women who she met on MN went to court with her yesterday. They did well and good on them! I have put in a link for the last two pages when they are about to go to court and the outcome.

This is only one woman's story but there are many just like it. Well done Mumsnet.

Coolgran thank you for the definition - I had looked it up and got something different (rude but different) and was a bit

I will not LTB tonight as he has just cooked dinner!

Oh heck ginny. I have told my husband the exact same thing! I hope he doesnt end up doing the same thing too when the time comes!

TriciaF, I can think of several reasons.

I don't want OH doing any housework jobs, just taking the bins out.
Having said that, he is a DIY wizz.
I make list of the little jobs that need doing.
Past two days
Put new light up in spare bedroom.
Wire in new DVD player. Easier said than done as the TiVo box and DVD player are fitted into the fireplace. He built a unit across the fireplace to accommodate telly and this 'stuff'
Retire my Hoover.
He wasn't happy with the way the new carpet was laying in the lounge so he took up one side and made it look better ( he has one of those things that the fitters use)

Sugarpufffairy LTB = Leave the bast**d.......

Pogs Even though I'd prefer dh to actually see and act when a chore is needing done... I still wouldn't change him

I still dont know what LTB stands for. Maybe I lack imagination but all I have come up with is Like To Be. E.g. I was a secretary but would have LTB an Air Hostess!
Can someone elaborate.
Sugarpufffairy

I grew up before feminism got a grip, so have the old fashioned view of men's and women's roles. On the other hand I worked for most of my married life, so tried to be everything to everyone and nearly cracked up.
I agree younger people seem to give up too soon if there are problems in a relationship, but it's easier now for a woman to be on her own with children than it was 40 years ago, so why not?

I think the fact that I have told DH that once he retires he will be expected to share the household chores half and half is the reason he is still working. !

I find I have to keep giving clear instructions firmly and repeatedly ..
....or nagging as it is known!

POGS

That's why DH never chooses paint colours, clothes - or anything really. Because he always gets it wrong!

Coolgran

I don't think I have read a post that is so close to being a mirror image of what I would have wrote.

It made me smile because literally last week I did approach this with hubby when I was fed up being the only one to do jobs and he said "I don't bother because if I do anything you only go over it again as I never do it right".

I think that older women are far more tolerant. Many on MN have very closed minds and are unable to see another view point.

Goodness Flickety, I didn't have a clue about how to do housework when we got married. OH was probably better at it than me, but then his mother had never done any either until she was about 45. They had always lived in the Middle East and had servants!
We muddled along together. My DD is ace at cleaning though. She used to work as a chambermaid in her university holidays.

DH dislikes any clutter eg post etc that I leave around and puts it away in drawers and filing trays.
It leaves more room then for his own clutter!

Most of our DH's were brought up at a time when housework was women's work. I know most of them have grown to become good at domestic chores, but not having developed an eye for it as children, even now no matter how much they help very few have an eye for seeing what routine housework needs dealing.

There is also the problem of whether you both are on the same wavelength for tidiness. I cannot cope with clutter for more than a week. I get tense and stressed. DH can happily operate in a permanently cluttered environment, so I accept that if I want to go from the clutter level DH is happy with to the clutter level I can survive in then I have to bridge the gap myself.

^I love Mumsnet. I spend far too much time on there.
Someone said you have to be brave to post on there. I disagree. I find you can really speak your mind, whereas on here you have to modify your thoughts.^

petra I will speak my mind
How do you find the TIME?

Don't go on Mumsnet and don't know what LTB means! Sheltered life I must lead.

First DS to marry was bossed around by DiL and she told him what to do with the babies. He did as he was told, put up with her bullying, ended up in hospital for a month with stress, marriage over.

Second DS and wife seem to share decisions, child care, just about everything. She cleans, he cooks, she organises, he irons. It is great to see the day to day consultations between them.

Third DS owned his house before DiL came along and she has gently changed it and made it less masculine. He was used to doing everything so needs no prompting. He did it all while she was doing her degree as well as working full time, now it is the other way round.

DH and I have both mellowed and now we are retired he does more than before. If it involves a machine he is happy to do it. He does the cooking, I do the finance. He mows the lawn I do the rest and he takes to rubbish to the tip. It seems to work for us but he does have to be 'encouraged' when extra jobs come round. He hates me decorating so at the moment I am threatening to do it as a way of making him start! (I do clean the kitchen properly sometimes when he is out)

I love Mumsnet. I spend far too much time on there.
Someone said you have to be brave to post on there. I disagree. I find you can really speak your mind, whereas on here you have to modify your thoughts.

Oh and I enjoy Mumsnet. I like the liveliness of the debate. I certainly don't always agree, but there are so many people and so many different views that I really don't think it is fair to generalise about it.
LTB is very often used as a joke - the was a very funny thread this week about someone whose DH had lost the class bear in the park and LTB was one of the early posts; it made me LOL.
My DD isn't a regular (I wouldn't use it if she were), but I know she has found it very useful at times. There is such a wealth of experience and expertise on there, midwives, doctors, aerospace engineers, lawyers, historians, physicists - to name but a few. I think (as on here) that the support given to people experiencing various kinds of trauma and loss is wonderful. I wish I had had it when I was young, though it does remind me of my seventies women's group in a way.

Is, I meant to say and not in.
The iPad seems to substitute words as it feels like it.

Soontobe,......... The answer in a big fat NO!

We met at university and certainly we have always shared all the household chores, cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening etc. We both worked full-time in demanding jobs apart from the two or three years I was at home (sometimes working part-time) when the children were born. Sometimes one of us was working away and the other one picked up the extra. In retirement we still share all the work of house and garden. We do argue over who is doing the cooking sometimes as we both enjoy it! We have been happily married for forty-six years and I sometimes think that marrying young was helpful as we grew up in the same direction. As a feminist I honestly couldn't live any other way.
I think we are probably fairly typical of a lot of people who went to university in the late sixties.

This is an idea I have been musing lately -
are university educated men more domesticated, having had to somewhat fend for themselves from age 18?

On the odd occasion when I browse Mumsnet, the first thing I am shocked by is the bad language and the violent use of it. There are many vitriolic and narrow minded opinions voiced and a real lack of tolerance or even understanding of anyone else's opinion. I do wonder if some people lack staying power or even make an effort to try and make a relationship work.

Thank you all for great responses most of which reflect my own situation.

Example - dh is happy to make our breakfast every morning...Just always leaves crumbs on the worktop.
On the other hand if he is doing a repair or decorating, he does it 120% and will work forever to get it finished.
Generosity and kindness are his middle names. Even if he doesn't always register that a task would be better done 'now'.

Mumsnet seemed to me like a different planet....a parallel universe!!
And I'd be concerned at the expectations put forward.

Happy to know that most gnetters tootle along like myself and DH, content in how our retirement time together has worked out..... with just a necessary nudge now and again.