husbands.... and how mumsnetters react .....is it different for us older folks?

I don't think that it is necessary to resort to anything as drastic as evicting the DHs, but I do think they often need to be given clear and straightforward instructions. I don't think they actually register things such as an overflowing rubbish bin (ding – needs emptying) or a grubby basin in the bathroom (ding – needs cleaning). As for cleaning the loo or replacing the empty roll of loo paper – well, we know that the toilet fairy deals with those.

I used to have a great deal of success using sentences such as "Would you like to change the cats' litter trays?" as if anyone would like to do that, but now I just do a straightforward choice: "Are you going to make the lunchtime sandwiches or vacuum the hall?" If there's a delay in reply, then I say, "I'd like pâté and cucumber," and go and plug in the Dyson.

I think you need to have them doing it from the start. On MN it appears that they do it all in the first flush of love and then get disgruntled later when he can't pick a towel off the floor. It is particularly pronounced when they have a baby, both are clueless but suddenly she is the one in charge to tell him how to do things, which clothes to dress in etc rather than just hand him the baby, go out and leave him to it. She then gets upset 2 yrs down the line when he is like the extra child.
You also have to make sure you leave them to do it their way. If someone told me that I had not done a job properly I would do the obvious, hand it them and say 'you do it then!'
I can hardly complain as I am the one likely to be out while DH washes the kitchen floor!
I don't think that it is different as older folk - we have just had more time to sort it out. If you have done it all for 40yrs, and he has done nothing, it isn't going to change! Perhaps both are happy with that.

cool my husband is also the sporty type (mainly golf) but boy does he clean! E.g. once a year he completely dismantles the shower cubicle and it is reassembled looking like new. He has a love affair going with the high pressure washer

As for Mumsnet and relationship advice, I advise my DIL to stay away from it. My daughter wouldn't go near it anyway, she rolls her eyes when I say anything about this forum.

IMHO I do believe that MN often gets it wrong, perhaps they do need a few more years under their relationship belts. When I was a young wife, I often gratefully took advice from older women.

I have had the same thoughts Coolgran. When I cannot sleep, I too look on MN, it can be quite informative/ entertaining!

Whilst I cannot see behind doors, I do believe my DILs are more balanced in their opinions. I hope we have brought DSs to do their fair share of household duties, they seem to when we're about.

After years of running the house while OHs are employed elsewhere, I think women have set ways/ standards that OHs just don't see!

They will hoover, just not in the corners, or the skirting boards, perhaps.

This is not a major crime, but reading MN some would cite it as unreasonable behaviour! I don't always believe what I read. x

Mine is like yours Cool but has always been like that, I just think because we are now 'around' each other for 24/7 (almost) it is that much more irritating. I have gradually come to the stage where I know things will get done in due course, whether I do them or he does, really is not important any more - that is how I feel at the moment, tomorrow might be different - might raise the roof about something really silly - it does very much depend on how I am! and it all good for the happy relationship we have.

It seems to me that they are hasty to tell women to leave the man in general.
But if they were the actualy woman themselves, they would sort the domestic problem out.

I wonder if they are unable to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

and just find it easier to "fix" a stranger's problem, by just advising her to leave.
[I am not meaning the ops where there has been violence or other untenable situations].

I agree about getting chores/babies/children stuff sorted right at the start.
Leaving the man to cope, [after giving him instructions if necessary, and your phone number and other numbers, including the doctor surgery etc], and literally leaving him holding the baby is a great way for them to learn, and learn fast!

I must be very lucky in some respects. My DH is a tidy freak. There is no way he woukd sit and watch TV while I cleaned, did cooking or whatever. Sometimes I feel really guilty as my time is so often taken up by other relatives that when I finally get home he has vacuumed the house from top to bottom or given the bathroom/shower a deep clean. He isn't so good with cooking though and usually announces that "he didn't have a clue what to make" or "he thought I had something planned" but hey ho you can't have it all can you?

MN is vastly entertaining but it is like straying into a parallel universe sometimes.
There is a huge double standard on there as the advice for a woman on a DH not pulling his weight would be LTB ,while if the man was doing all the work there would have to be a problem for which he would need to show understanding!
The best way to learn to look after a baby is to literally leave them holding it! It is what happens to women- men can cope if allowed to.
If you want equal childcare/housework etc then you have to leave them to it. Far too many women interfere, want it done their way- make themselves senior partner in the home and so it is no use moaning when they get left with it all. Some women of course want to do it all their way- without men 'getting in the way'.

I've never ventured onto MN, except on the odd occasion someone here posts a link and then my reaction us usually 'are they for real?'. Trouble is that generation is a throw away generation. Something breaks, throw it out and get a new one. A button falls off, ditto. Don't like the sofa, change it. Nappies, must be disposable. Seems like DHs and marriages are the same. Not happy LTB.

We were more 'make do and mend' and this extended to relationships, unless they were totally beyond repair.

I have never look at MN but I will now. DH is a willing soul who will do most things I ask in his own time. Since we retired though he has enjoyed cleaning- he does it in his own way in my view the wrong order but I have learnt to accept what he does as I have had several bouts of ill health and have been grateful its being done at all. the only thing is he doesn't cook - he has tried but it was horrible and messy. He says I have emasculated him in the kitchen!!

I'm not sure that the people who post on mumsnet are typical of their generation. They are a self-selected group of feisty, vociferous women, and not very tolerant of anyone who disagrees with them or falls short of their 'standards'.
From what I've observed, you'd have to be much braver to post on Mumsnet than on Gransnet!

That would seem to be the case JaneA from what younger friends have told me. When they find out I post on GN they are quite concerned and make comments like 'I hope it's not like MN'.

No, we have our moments but on the whole I think we are quite tolerant

DH is pretty good doing those tasks he considers 'his' - outdoors, emptying bins, diy!!
However, he does like 'help' and lots of praise and admiration after completing even the simplest task.

When I said I needed to clean out kitchen cupboards and give it a spring-clean today he gave me a 'look' - because he wants me out in the garden at his beck and call.
(I do like doing some gardening, particularly pots and boxes but have to be in the mood).
And when we were first married he said 'I am not your father, I will not be cleaning the oven or cleaning your shoes'.

I think it's all a matter of compromise and tolerance which the women you describe appear to lack!

ps you can see how busy I am cleaning the kitchen

that "he didn't have a clue what to make" or "he thought I had something planned"
Mine is programmed to say that as well, gillybob although he will occasionally cook. He often clears up and empties the dishwasher.
What more could I ask?

Oh!!! It's just dawned on me what 'LTB' stands for!

No! Don't go that far.

I would say that LTB (if it stands for I think it does) is extremely disrespectful
Is there a Dadsnet where they say LTB too? People would be up in arms.

Yes. There does seem to be a lot of hate amongst some Mumsnetters.

I seem to remember that there is a 'Dadsnet' forum on Mumsnet.

I just looked it up, jaw dropped and

The problem is that we women are getting older and tire more easily. We have a generation of blokes who worked long hours while we got on with home and family. To them, retirement is a rest. Women can rarely stop.
However, my old man has recently had three week-long skiing jollies and I must admit I didn't enjoy being on my own. I probably missed someone to bicker with, although I did keep tidy. I make myself look at him for what he gives (very generous with money and an ace with the steam cleaner) and slide over the faults, all of which are listed above by others.

Anyone got any ideas as to how to STOP a husband tidying up! The standing joke in our house used to be: "Don't stand still or Dad will put you in a drawer!"

I can see that would be equally irritating Mishap

DH has never had to be told asked to do the 'man' jobs DIY, garden, bins. He will happily clean the oven or the bathroom when requested, and is a decent cook. But wouldn't think to get a hoover or a duster out.
I don't remember us ever deciding to ' start as we mean to go on.' We've just fallen into the pattern.
It does seem from listening to MN generation that they expect an equal division of chores. Yes I think the op has a point. Some of us are resigned to how little DH does at home.

Thank you all for great responses most of which reflect my own situation.

Example - dh is happy to make our breakfast every morning...Just always leaves crumbs on the worktop.
On the other hand if he is doing a repair or decorating, he does it 120% and will work forever to get it finished.
Generosity and kindness are his middle names. Even if he doesn't always register that a task would be better done 'now'.

Mumsnet seemed to me like a different planet....a parallel universe!!
And I'd be concerned at the expectations put forward.

Happy to know that most gnetters tootle along like myself and DH, content in how our retirement time together has worked out..... with just a necessary nudge now and again.