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Forgive and Forget.

(29 Posts)
Falconbird Sat 04-Apr-15 07:06:58

There are quite a few people in my life at the moment who have let me down at times of extreme stress. I can forgive them I think but forget - I don't think so. Will I always be wary of people who have treated me badly when I needed them to be kind and supportive?

Leticia Sat 04-Apr-15 07:10:21

I don't think that you can forget, but hopefully you get to the point where you just let it go and accept it happened. Wise to be a bit wary in the future.

Falconbird Sat 04-Apr-15 07:12:57

Yes I am very wary and that's an uncomfortable feeling.

NfkDumpling Sat 04-Apr-15 07:50:31

I think we should, wherever possible, forgive - but not forget. It's part of life's experience surely to learn from what's happened in our past. If someone has treated you badly - especially if it's happened more than once - you cannot altogether trust them completely again, even if they meant well. It's part of their nature, being human. So accept them for who they are and make allowances. Only you can judge why they let you down, how much you actually like them and how much you want them in your life.

Leticia Sat 04-Apr-15 09:03:26

Very sensible NFkDumpling.

FlicketyB Sat 04-Apr-15 09:03:41

I think trying to understand why they seemed to let you down can help.

I say that with some feeling because at one point when she was having a very difficult time my sister thought she was getting insufficient help form me. In fact, although I could say nothing at the time, I too was going through a traumatic time and it was all I could do to cope with my own difficulties without supporting her through hers as well.

When a year or two later I could explain to her what was happening in my life at the time she understood that it was not that I didn't care about her problems, it was just I was struggling with my own.

sunseeker Sat 04-Apr-15 09:03:51

I had a friend who cut me out of her life completely without any explanation, she wouldn't answer my letter asking what the problem was. I had supported her through a lot over the years.

I have now heard from her again suggesting we get together for coffee, still no explanation or apology. I am meeting her for coffee and I have forgiven her but I won't forget and I think that will affect our relationship and I won't be so keen to help her out when she gets herself in yet another mess.

J52 Sat 04-Apr-15 09:16:46

Sunseeker, I think your experience is quite common. Something similarhas certainly happened to me.
I wonder if the other person then feels guilty and the suggested getting together is a way of easing their conscience?

It is interesting whether they will consider how you felt at the time? My so called friend didn't even mentioned it when she wanted to be friends again.

As you say things can never be the same again. It's such a shame, particularly when you were a helpful friend in a time of need. x

granjura Sat 04-Apr-15 09:40:04

It's very hard isn't it. Sunseeker, same happened to me- a long nasty letter, full of accusations and very unkind words. I thought about writing back, or visiting, to talk it though- but OH and family said no, leave it you'll only get hurt. So I did. But you always wonder, and although you can forgive, forgetting is just impossible.

KatyK Sat 04-Apr-15 10:23:17

I'm with you Falconbird. I'm afraid the older I get the more unforgiving I become. I'm not proud of it. If someone upsets a member of my family I am not very forgiving. I will be nice on the surface but am seething underneath. It's not good for my health. They are carrying on with their lives regardless and I am becoming bitter and twisted! There is someone at the moment who was not very nice to my DH - he was going through gruelling cancer treatment at the time and I can't let it go. He couldn't care less and says that this person is nothing to us (just an acquaintance really, a friend of our DD) but I am getting more and more uptight over it. Silly really but we can't help how we are.

Igranma Sat 04-Apr-15 11:24:29

My mum always said, some people are givers while others are takers, you have to accept them for what they are.
Take it or leave it!

Falconbird Sat 04-Apr-15 13:28:39

KatyK - ouch that must hurt. I'm trying very hard not to dwell on past hurts but i'ts not that easy.

I've steered my family through a rough two years and we are all now on much safer ground. So I'm drawing back a little until they realise that mum isn't super human, getting older and could do with a bit of TLC.

Igranma - I agree about people being givers or takers, but the givers can suffer from giving burnout if they don't protect themselves.

Going to church tomorrow and I will light a candle of forgiveness. Hope I don't come across as a "God botherer" as my son puts it but it does help a lot.

Igranma Sat 04-Apr-15 14:18:27

We must all find our help & comfort in our own way, if religion is yours, Bless you.

Mishap Sat 04-Apr-15 15:02:25

We can choose to forgive, but we cannot chose to forget - memories are lodged in our brain and we do not have control over when they might pop to the front of our consciousness.

mrshat Sat 04-Apr-15 16:02:14

I can forgive - up to a point - but find it difficult to forget as having been hurt badly I am so wary now that I find it almost impossible to let myself get close to anyone. It has affected my relationships, even with my close family. tbusad

appygran Sat 04-Apr-15 18:14:19

Only you can answer that question falconbird

For me nfkg put my position very succinctly. For me it is about acceptance and moving on. I cannot control someone else's behaviour towards me but I can control my response to it. Not sure who said that someone else only has the power to hurt you if you allow them to but read it years ago and try to remember it. However occasionally, like most people I suppose I allow remarks and comments to get to me and can dwell on them for days while the person who said it has moved on and is not aware of the hurt caused. Sometimes I find it hard to let go and move on but I do. Would I trust them again? Don't know, depends on how much they hurt me, the nature of the hurt and how close they were to me, an understanding of why they did it and do I want then in my life. Heck it complicated.

KatyK Sat 04-Apr-15 18:41:14

Falconbird - I'm glad things are beginning to improve for you. I always light a candle when in a church. Next time I'll light one and make it one of forgiveness smile

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 04-Apr-15 19:12:28

Is it only me who can't think of anyone in their lives who has let them down? People have been so good to me.

Marelli Sat 04-Apr-15 19:31:24

jingl, I actually can't think of anyone, either! No-one has ever done me a bad turn. I'm very lucky! smile

jinglbellsfrocks Sat 04-Apr-15 19:36:00

Glad it's not only me! tbusmile

absent Sat 04-Apr-15 19:45:15

Some things are unforgivable but there is no need to dwell on them.

soontobe Sat 04-Apr-15 20:29:33

Quite a few people. Ouch.
I think that you are right to feel wary.
Do they know how you feel, and are feeling?
Some people are good at noticing how someone is feeling, and some are not as good at noticing without having it spelt out.

loopylou Sat 04-Apr-15 20:49:55


glassortwo Sat 04-Apr-15 20:52:53

Some thing seem unforgivable but I am trying.

Marelli Sat 04-Apr-15 21:00:33

I hope you can, glass. flowers x