Sidelined.

That's correct. I was astounded when I found out.

It can mean a large sum of money being deducted and there's no possibility of claiming ignorance of the debt. I went to a Solicitor about it and that's the legal position.

I'm trying to leave no debt at all so that my kids have as little hassle as possible when I pop my clogs which if I follow my mum will be age 90!

I don't think the widow is responsible as such, but that any debts can be taken from the estate. So if a debtor dies with no assets, the widow is not responsible.

Thks Riverwalk - I'm beginning to think you're right about being seen as needy.

When I look back I never told my own mum that she was coping well in her long years of widowhood. To quote the old song maybe it's time to "pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again."

JackyB - I had no clue about anything financial because my OH liked to do all the money stuff himself. However it's amazing what you can do when your back's against the wall and mine was on more than one occasion.

Here's a tip - a widow or widower is responsible for a deceased spouses debts even if they were unaware of them. If there is enough money in the estate the spouse has to pay it. Not sure if this applies to any children.

You've done well Falcon but I don't really understand what it is you want from your sons.

You survived and now you have to live your new life - it's not the one you would have chosen but at least you are independent and have reconciled with your youngest son.

Don't be looking for praise from your sons - you won't get it! You'll just be thought of as needy. I divorced 11 years ago and neither of my sons have ever commented on how I've survived or dealt with problems over those years - I'm just mum who's living her life, and that's it!

Jacky I'm surprised that you say that you wouldn't know where to start with things financial - how have you survived?

Thanks JackyB, I used to be a teacher as it happens.

I'm involved in all sorts of activities but can't go away at the moment because all the stress has left me with agoraphobia. Guess the stress had to come out somewhere.

You should treat yourself to a holiday; it sounds like you're fairly comfortable off. Let them know that you are a person with needs, too.

And let them know you're not stupid. Take up a course, or, better still, see if there's something you could teach.

And I think you're brilliant - I wouldn't know where to start with things like house-buying and debt-settling. (I wish we'd been taught about that sort of thing at school)