Sidelined.

You should treat yourself to a holiday; it sounds like you're fairly comfortable off. Let them know that you are a person with needs, too.

And let them know you're not stupid. Take up a course, or, better still, see if there's something you could teach.

And I think you're brilliant - I wouldn't know where to start with things like house-buying and debt-settling. (I wish we'd been taught about that sort of thing at school)

Thanks JackyB, I used to be a teacher as it happens.

I'm involved in all sorts of activities but can't go away at the moment because all the stress has left me with agoraphobia. Guess the stress had to come out somewhere.

You've done well Falcon but I don't really understand what it is you want from your sons.

You survived and now you have to live your new life - it's not the one you would have chosen but at least you are independent and have reconciled with your youngest son.

Don't be looking for praise from your sons - you won't get it! You'll just be thought of as needy. I divorced 11 years ago and neither of my sons have ever commented on how I've survived or dealt with problems over those years - I'm just mum who's living her life, and that's it!

Jacky I'm surprised that you say that you wouldn't know where to start with things financial - how have you survived?

Thks Riverwalk - I'm beginning to think you're right about being seen as needy.

When I look back I never told my own mum that she was coping well in her long years of widowhood. To quote the old song maybe it's time to "pick myself up, dust myself off and start all over again."

JackyB - I had no clue about anything financial because my OH liked to do all the money stuff himself. However it's amazing what you can do when your back's against the wall and mine was on more than one occasion.

Here's a tip - a widow or widower is responsible for a deceased spouses debts even if they were unaware of them. If there is enough money in the estate the spouse has to pay it. Not sure if this applies to any children.

I don't think the widow is responsible as such, but that any debts can be taken from the estate. So if a debtor dies with no assets, the widow is not responsible.

That's correct. I was astounded when I found out.

It can mean a large sum of money being deducted and there's no possibility of claiming ignorance of the debt. I went to a Solicitor about it and that's the legal position.

I'm trying to leave no debt at all so that my kids have as little hassle as possible when I pop my clogs which if I follow my mum will be age 90!

I think that she should get praise and all sorts from her sons.
Sons as well as daughters should be supportive and look out for people.
No difference.

I think you've done an amazing amount Falconbird, and now you've hit a bit of a bump because things have levelled out. I can see where you're coming from, you need a bit of TLC, I don't see that as being needy just a bit of comfort.
If they ask how you are just say you could do with a bit of TLC, not praise, ...if it's not forthcoming it won't be because you're unappreciated rather that you're seen as a strong coping woman!
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Have your sons ever said thank you for the things you have done for them?

loopy is right, Falconbird - you deserve to be kind to yourself!

When you've been going through a stressful time, and things become calmer, I find that, inevitable, other things, emotional and physical, surface which you just haven't had the time or resources to deal with before. And you've got time to reflect too.

You have done amazingly well - you're clearly a strong person, but even the strong need comfort sometimes.

We hear a lot of stuff about how irritating it is that mums carry on thinking of their grown-up offspring as still children – hovering and offering unwanted advice. However, I think a lot of grown-up children still think of their mums as mums and only mums – caring, nurturing, helping, lending or giving money – but without any other function in their lives except being their mum. You have to be there when they need you and butt out when they don't. Expecting them to be loving and supportive of your needs is often beyond their imagination.

I think that, after all you have done for your family, you are entitled to a lot of respect, and, yes, some gratitude as well.

It's such a shame about the agoraphobia because I reckon, if you have any money left after paying out for them as you have, you should be visibly spending some on yourself, and holidays would be a good place to start.

Do they know about the agoraphobia? Are they doing anything to help you with it? Perhaps it would be an idea to get some good quality help privately from a registered therapist. And let them know how much you are spending on it.

I don't say that I need their praise or TLC - but I do say "I did X and Y on my own for the first time yesterday - I felt quite pleased with myself"

Better to be positive about what you have achieved and look as though you expect agreement than to be negative about the mountain you are having to climb and expect sympathy. Either way you are pointing out to them what you are having to do, all the things that have not occurred to them. Then when you meet something that you do need help with, you have a record of dealing with other things yourself and don't look so needy.

You have my deepest sympathy re the agoraphobia. I remember that thing well. In fact you can name just about any kind of mental whoopsie known to man and I will most likely have been there and done that. You will come through it eventually, but some help would be good.

It shouldnt be beyond anyones' imagination.
I dont like to think of people selling themselves short in this regard. Fine though, if someone does not want to receive tlc. That is a different matter.

absent I can't agree with you there. Sons and daughters need to know we have needs. The occasional moan has it's place.

Falconbird You have done amazingly well and deserve some as others have said be kind to yourself.
Children can be so "tunnel visioned" I think they see us coping well think we are back to the mum or dad we have always been without realising we are struggling sometimes for that extra bit of tlc, they just get on with their lives as they have always done.
If I had the qualifications you have with regard teaching I would make my self available at a local school for a short time each week,your expertise would be would be an asset to them.

Everyone wants to receive TLC, but not everyone wants it to be given as a result of complaining. Getting it because of how you have been seen to do your best to cope is a far better route.

I think it is the difference between support and pity, or maybe that bit from a poem "Oh, prate not of duty, love always gives the best" (Sorry can't find it online to cite the author)

The "result of complaining" perhaps, is that the unacceptable behaviour is recognised. If you meekly, or stoically, say nothing, no progress will be made.

I think elegran's comment is spot on: it doesn't advocate moaning but it does let your offspring know how your are and what you might need from them. It works for me.

Maybe I've been lucky - I have never had unacceptable behaviour from my children. I must have done something right when I was bringing them up. (That is not being smug, it is being honest.)

Hi all,

Yes I have told my sons about the agoraphobia but it's just met with a wall of disbelief. My eldest son has been through so much with the cancer, and his stock response if I say I'm not feeling so good is "stay strong mum."

They have been through a lot as well of course and I keep that in mind.

I think what I want from them is them asking if I'm OK. from time to time.

Two of them do occasionally but if I say "not so good at the moment," I can see they don't know what to do or say. Dad was always there for mum and vica versa.

At 68 and retired for 7 years I don't fancy going back to teaching at all. I do keep busy with various groups all of which are stress free and enjoyable.

Elegran - I like your comment about telling them the positive things I've done. That's a good idea because that way they can see I'm struggling at times but making the effort.

Basically they only contact me if they need a babysitter or some cash and I know this is the way a lot that generation carry on wry

I didn't contact them once for 10 days and it took that long for them to get in touch. I guess they are fearful and confused as well.

Have been thinking about looking for a male friend, but I think it's too soon.

Any other suggestions or advice more than welcome. It really helps.

Falcon you have been given a great deal of helpful information so nothing much for me to add except that I wish you well in your onward journey and believe that having demonstrated such strength and kindness you will deal with the challenges that agoraphobia presents and the feelings of being sidelined by your family. Perhaps friends can offer a perspective and support? Professional help may be of benefit to support you through not only the agrophobia but your grief as well.

I'll qualify that about my children's behaviour. When they were young they were not angels. Come to that, they are not angels now.

I did not let them behave badly or walk all over me, transgressions were pointed out and suitably put right, but I didn't hold a grudge. We had a few hairy moments in their teens, but I didn't really think that they were going to hell in a handcart, or tell them they were ruining my life.

I never ever said "after all I've done for you!" or "You ought to treat me better" or (as I once heard a mother say in a supermarket) "If you do that again, Mummy won't love you any more"

You get back what you give. If you give recriminations, you get them back. If you give trust and respect, you get that back to. If you are seen to be trying to cope, you get more help than if you are seen to be giving up (but they may need to be shown that you are trying, the young are not all that good at noticing what is not obvious.)