Sidelined.

Good on you Falconbird - enjoy the flight. We are so very good at being grounded it sometimes takes a huge gust of wind to take to the air - they will all benefit as well as you.

Oh thanks everyone

Yes I agree Coolgran. I think the air has gone out of me now my finances etc., are settled. I have to out and about locally and that's fine but as yet I can't contemplate leaving the city. I chose to live where I am now because it's fairly near the city centre, has nice parks and shops close by.

I love to write so I will take up the idea of writing about my family for the grandchildren. I have made a photograph album for two of them with photos in of them from new borns through to two years old.

The third grandchild belongs to my youngest son and his wife who I see very infrequently because of the fall out after my DH's death and I'm still working on trying to reconcile this son with his brothers.

These posts have helped me clarify things in my mind and thanks for reminding me that my name is Falconbird and yes I can fly.

I think I'm still in shock because in two years and two months my position changed from happily married woman living in a house to a widow living in a flat.

I love Grandsnet because within the family the Gran's opinions etc., are mostly ignored or see as old fashioned.

Here we can use all our experiences to help other Grans and Granddads.

Interestingly when I say to my kids, "I think I'm going ga ga" or something similar they quite like it, not in a nasty way but in a kind sort of way.

Reading all the responses I can see that my strength has taken away some of their own strengths as adults and maybe it's time to hand over the baton so to speak. "I've done my bit kids, now over to you." I'm off to do a bit of flying about."

Falconbird I am well impressed, you have done so much yourself, and provided such practical and financial help to your family.
When I went through a period of divorce/selling a house/ buying another house, I was superwoman, did the lot no bother. Once it was all sorted and I was into my new home, all paid for...... the air went out of me.
You probably have been so busy there has been no real time for you. Now you've time to think.
It's a pity if your agoraphobia keeps you from doing things you'd like to do. If I'm understanding correctly you are able to get out of the house to some extent.

I can't add to what has already been said except to say also, please be kind to yourself. Treat yourself.
And although our offspring don't always be as supportive as we'd hope for I agree that often it's because they believe we are really strong, and we are doing ok !

The suggestion of writing to your grandchildren sounds wonderful. Just a private journal with little gems of interest, when you were their age, when their parents were their age. How you felt about your parents when you were their age.

I did a letter to my dgs as a baby and can't even remember what I wrote in it. Something along the lines of I wished him a happy life and he would always be loved. I gave it to my son to give to dgs at some stage, probably when I pop my clogs.

I am sure your family love you to bits. You sound wonderful.

Hi Falconbird - so many issues are coming up here - The main ones being that you are a caring, intelligent, understanding MOTHER and WOMAN who has helped, nurtured and, dare I say it, ruled, so far as your boys are concerned. You are invincible in their eyes. They do not want to see you as needing their help (or anybody else's for that matter) "stay strong" says it all for me - you are seen as the strong person - you must not crumble because if you do then they will have to be "grown up". There is a choice here. Personally, looking back on my mother's way (and my mil's way) of becoming the victim and the "poor me" person is like a red rag to a bull to strong minded children. Yes - Falconbird (what a wonderful name you chose) soar above it all and have a break from it all. It doesn't have to be a holiday - go and be aggrophobic - five miles from home (I'm not dissing aggrophobia having suffered from it myself) just take some time out - ignore them. If you want a new man then go ahead and find one - my bet is you will come to enjoy time on your own, independence, free from the ties of commitment. Take some paper and pens and write to your boys/grandchildren of your life and loves and interests. The great grandchildren will love you for it.

I wonder if your sons see you as coping - you have done all these things, and they might think that all is well.

Do not worry about the fact that you think they see you as "a daft old bat" - my DDs are starting to treat me gently since I have been unwell. Maybe this is their way of showing that they care.

I imagine that they too are grieving and do not know quite how to handle it; or indeed you. You have seemed to be on top of things, and agoraphobia has no outward physical signs and is had to comprehend, so they are understandably puzzled.

The fact that one of the sons tells you to "stay strong" probably indicates that he does have some understanding of what you have done and what you are going through.

I did not know how to handle my Dad when Mum died - he was determined to put a brave face on it and was even embarrassed that he cried at her funeral. It was hard to mention Mum and her death - he just brushed it under the carpet.

Do you talk to the boys about their Dad? Do you say that you miss him? Is this something you can share together or does it not work like that in your family?

I have to admit that when I was tied up in work and raising a family, I was probably not as sympathetic to my parents when their parents died as I might have been - we can all be wise after the event. I am sure your boys do care - they are just treading on uncharted ground while they too are grieving.

You have done so well Falconbird. I agree with what Riverwalk says above. We have been through the mill lately and I also sometimes feel sidelined now, like everyone else is more important than us. I try to just get on with it. I have spoken up in the past and it's made matters worse. You can't change people. I know, because I've tried!

May be they are a bit at sea now your husband has gone, and you dont have him to look after you.
Personally, I would set out what I want and expect from them. They seem to need a new set of sort of rules.
[I dont think that 10 days is that long for them not to have been in touch?]
I am aware though that every family does things differently.

Good things from your posts - it sounds to me like they do care, but could do better!

Not so good things - only getting in touch if they want cash or a babysitter is not nice enough behaviour.

Your son and your agrophobia. It sounds to me like he doesnt know what to say to make it better. What would you like him to do and say? He may have to be told. I dont see anything wrong in that. To be fair to your elder son, he may have limited resources himself.

I think that you have to help them to help you. They need a bit of a gentle nudge. Stronger if they dont get the idea!

I'll qualify that about my children's behaviour. When they were young they were not angels. Come to that, they are not angels now.

I did not let them behave badly or walk all over me, transgressions were pointed out and suitably put right, but I didn't hold a grudge. We had a few hairy moments in their teens, but I didn't really think that they were going to hell in a handcart, or tell them they were ruining my life.

I never ever said "after all I've done for you!" or "You ought to treat me better" or (as I once heard a mother say in a supermarket) "If you do that again, Mummy won't love you any more"

You get back what you give. If you give recriminations, you get them back. If you give trust and respect, you get that back to. If you are seen to be trying to cope, you get more help than if you are seen to be giving up (but they may need to be shown that you are trying, the young are not all that good at noticing what is not obvious.)

Falcon you have been given a great deal of helpful information so nothing much for me to add except that I wish you well in your onward journey and believe that having demonstrated such strength and kindness you will deal with the challenges that agoraphobia presents and the feelings of being sidelined by your family. Perhaps friends can offer a perspective and support? Professional help may be of benefit to support you through not only the agrophobia but your grief as well.

Hi all,

Yes I have told my sons about the agoraphobia but it's just met with a wall of disbelief. My eldest son has been through so much with the cancer, and his stock response if I say I'm not feeling so good is "stay strong mum."

They have been through a lot as well of course and I keep that in mind.

I think what I want from them is them asking if I'm OK. from time to time.

Two of them do occasionally but if I say "not so good at the moment," I can see they don't know what to do or say. Dad was always there for mum and vica versa.

At 68 and retired for 7 years I don't fancy going back to teaching at all. I do keep busy with various groups all of which are stress free and enjoyable.

Elegran - I like your comment about telling them the positive things I've done. That's a good idea because that way they can see I'm struggling at times but making the effort.

Basically they only contact me if they need a babysitter or some cash and I know this is the way a lot that generation carry on wry

I didn't contact them once for 10 days and it took that long for them to get in touch. I guess they are fearful and confused as well.

Have been thinking about looking for a male friend, but I think it's too soon.

Any other suggestions or advice more than welcome. It really helps.

Maybe I've been lucky - I have never had unacceptable behaviour from my children. I must have done something right when I was bringing them up. (That is not being smug, it is being honest.)

I think elegran's comment is spot on: it doesn't advocate moaning but it does let your offspring know how your are and what you might need from them. It works for me.

The "result of complaining" perhaps, is that the unacceptable behaviour is recognised. If you meekly, or stoically, say nothing, no progress will be made.

Everyone wants to receive TLC, but not everyone wants it to be given as a result of complaining. Getting it because of how you have been seen to do your best to cope is a far better route.

I think it is the difference between support and pity, or maybe that bit from a poem "Oh, prate not of duty, love always gives the best" (Sorry can't find it online to cite the author)

Falconbird You have done amazingly well and deserve some as others have said be kind to yourself.
Children can be so "tunnel visioned" I think they see us coping well think we are back to the mum or dad we have always been without realising we are struggling sometimes for that extra bit of tlc, they just get on with their lives as they have always done.
If I had the qualifications you have with regard teaching I would make my self available at a local school for a short time each week,your expertise would be would be an asset to them.

absent I can't agree with you there. Sons and daughters need to know we have needs. The occasional moan has it's place.

It shouldnt be beyond anyones' imagination.
I dont like to think of people selling themselves short in this regard. Fine though, if someone does not want to receive tlc. That is a different matter.

You have my deepest sympathy re the agoraphobia. I remember that thing well. In fact you can name just about any kind of mental whoopsie known to man and I will most likely have been there and done that. You will come through it eventually, but some help would be good.

I don't say that I need their praise or TLC - but I do say "I did X and Y on my own for the first time yesterday - I felt quite pleased with myself"

Better to be positive about what you have achieved and look as though you expect agreement than to be negative about the mountain you are having to climb and expect sympathy. Either way you are pointing out to them what you are having to do, all the things that have not occurred to them. Then when you meet something that you do need help with, you have a record of dealing with other things yourself and don't look so needy.

I think that, after all you have done for your family, you are entitled to a lot of respect, and, yes, some gratitude as well.

It's such a shame about the agoraphobia because I reckon, if you have any money left after paying out for them as you have, you should be visibly spending some on yourself, and holidays would be a good place to start.

Do they know about the agoraphobia? Are they doing anything to help you with it? Perhaps it would be an idea to get some good quality help privately from a registered therapist. And let them know how much you are spending on it.

We hear a lot of stuff about how irritating it is that mums carry on thinking of their grown-up offspring as still children – hovering and offering unwanted advice. However, I think a lot of grown-up children still think of their mums as mums and only mums – caring, nurturing, helping, lending or giving money – but without any other function in their lives except being their mum. You have to be there when they need you and butt out when they don't. Expecting them to be loving and supportive of your needs is often beyond their imagination.

loopy is right, Falconbird - you deserve to be kind to yourself!

When you've been going through a stressful time, and things become calmer, I find that, inevitable, other things, emotional and physical, surface which you just haven't had the time or resources to deal with before. And you've got time to reflect too.

You have done amazingly well - you're clearly a strong person, but even the strong need comfort sometimes.

Have your sons ever said thank you for the things you have done for them?

I think you've done an amazing amount Falconbird, and now you've hit a bit of a bump because things have levelled out. I can see where you're coming from, you need a bit of TLC, I don't see that as being needy just a bit of comfort.
If they ask how you are just say you could do with a bit of TLC, not praise, ...if it's not forthcoming it won't be because you're unappreciated rather that you're seen as a strong coping woman!
Be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

I think that she should get praise and all sorts from her sons.
Sons as well as daughters should be supportive and look out for people.
No difference.