Ending a 43 year marriage

Thank you all so much for your comments & suggestions. You have all given me lots of ideas of things I can do, to try & move forward, rather than looking backwards. So glad I came across this site, for once in a very long time I feel that I am not alone.

Wow, vampire queen, that conjures up some mind pictures...........

A year after I left my ex I found myself looking back with rose tinted specs. Had it been that bad? Was life any better on my own? Common sense told me it was but there was a niggle. I was going through my Jezebel period and was far more confident in certain aspects of myself than I had been when I was with him so I seduced him (he hadn't touched me for 9 years before I left). After it was over I got dressed and left totally certain that leaving had been the right thing to do.

I'm not saying you seduce your ex. Even I admit that was a bit extreme. But what I'm trying to say is that time makes us see things differently and usually not as bad as they were. I think you've reached that stage. It will pass. Now you've found us you have people to talk to albeit online and you may well find groups in your area that you can join.

Getting a hamster sounds like a good idea Jennywren, I can't see why your landlord would object. You can get some amasing tubes and tunnels for them to run through.

Now you've found Gransnet, if you get a little hamster too and take up some of the great suggestions on here, your weekends will just fly by. Here's ato get this one off to a good start.

Jennywren I've just seen an ad in a magazine for Oddfellows which is a friendship group with branches all over the country. It has outings, walks,talks, friendship and meeting people. Just Google it, might be worth a try?

Hi Jenny

How about volunteering?. Lots of charities would appreciate your help and you meet some lovely people. Where I am there are lots of keep fit type walks during the day . There may be something in your area. If you are in the countryside is there a local WI you could join? Do you qualify for a free bus pass to go exploring. Have you thought about researching your family tree? There is usually a free trial on sites like Ancestry UK. Good luck

Hello Jennywren. first of all have a drink with me (wine). There is a lot of good advice on this thread.
This is what I did. I had some set things such as evening classes. I chose things that would provide interaction, such as languages and some that fed my creative side. Every week I knew I had two evenings to look forward to. I then did Pilates or gym one evening which was not sociable but I felt better for it.
I got a pasta cook book and worked my way through it one evening a week. I would eat this while watching a programme of MY choice.
I joined walks that were advertised in the local paper.
There was a period following the relief of having made the break where I felt it may have been pointless however apparently it is common. I read that it is called the "blank canvas syndrome" and is when you are ready to move on and embrace your situation.
Of course if you really do have doubts perhaps you could talk with Relate or another organisation.
Whatever you feel about things you will have come a long way so well done and good luck. (sunshine)

Hi Tanith, I live on the Hampshire/West Sussex border. Not sure if there are any local meet-up groups near me, but I will keep a look out. Would be great if there were.

Hello Gagagran. I do tend to my chores & shopping on a Saturday. I'm not sure that I am confident to go into a restaurant by myself plus I am on a very tight budget so I am limited to what places I could visit. During the summer I have tried to get out and about walking as much as I can. I think I am finding it hard adjusting to doing things by myself. I do live in the countryside, which is lovely but can be very isolating. I think you are right I do need to try and get out and do things at the weekend.

Hi Jennywren1 and welcome you'll find lots of support and suggestions to help here.
Where abouts are you? Maybe you could look out for a local meet up the ladies here are great at organising them .

I definitely want to get a pet, unfortunately though I live in a rented flat and am not allowed pets!! However I have been looking into getting a hamster (I'm sure that should be okay). I know its not quite like having a dog or a cat, but at least it will be something to come home to. Only joined Gransnet last night, came across it in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. Am looking forward to spending time looking through the different forums/chats and getting to know people.

Hello Jennywren and welcome. I am so sorry that you are having doubts about what must have taken a lot of agonising and a lot of courage.You must have thought your marriage was unendurable and now you can build a different life with the things you want and like to do. You have choices that only affect you instead of having to make allowances and compromises for your former husband. That has a lot to commend it!

I had a friend in very similar circumctances to you and she also said that weekends were difficult so she decided that she had to make sure she did something different every Saturday. She didn't have a car but got bus timetables and planned outings to nearby towns, tourist attractions. She did her chores and food shopping on Sundays and soon got into a routine that suited her very well. Sometimes she took a picnic as she was on a tight budget but sometimes she treated herself to lunch in a restaurant. On one of these lunches, in a busy restaurant she was asked if she minded sharing her table with someone, who turned out eventually to be her second husband and she was very happy with him.

Could you try something similar at weekends perhaps? Good luck and keep strong. You never know what is around the corner!

Yes, when the nights begin to draw in that can increase ones feelings of loneliness. To have joined a walking group when you're naturally shy and lacking in confidence is a huge step forward. Don't underestimate yourself Jennywren, you had the courage to leave and strike out alone, that takes great courage.

As this is the first anniversary of your departure it's bound to be difficult. I'm sorry that you feel family and friends haven't been as supportive as you'd hoped.

Have you thought about getting a pet? I appreciate getting a dog when you're out at work all day might not be practical but what about a cat, rabbit or guinea pig? Having a little warm body to come too can make all the difference.

There are plenty of interesting threads on Gransnet. I know it's not the same as having a physical presence but it's amasing how much time goes by when you're busily reading and putting your own thoughts and opinions on here.

This plaque is on display at the gym I go to "Take pride in how far you've come and have faith in how far you can go". Be proud of what you've managed to achieve and believe in yourself.

Keep posting.

Smileless 2012 thank you for your reply. Yes I do work, but it is returning to an empty home that I am finding very hard to do. Some weekends I close the door Friday evening & don't speak to anyone until I go back to work Monday morning. Unfortunately I think I banked on family & friends been more supportive, but sadly that hasn't been the case. I'm not sure what sort of clubs to join, by nature I am very shy & lack confidence and find it difficult to socialise. I have recently joined a walking group. I think you are right that I need to give it more time. Not looking forward to the winter months, things always seem harder this time of the year.

Welcome to Gransnet Jennywren I haven't been in your situation but I can't help but think you probably do need to give it more time. 32 years is a long time and it's going to take time for you settle in to your new life.

Do you go out to work? Are there any clubs in your area you could join? You say initially you were happier so perhaps you're questioning your decision because it's taking longer for everything to settle down than you anticipated. Ending a marriage after such a long time must have taken a great deal of courage, don't give up now when you've done what must have been the hardest thing to do by leaving.

Hi I am new to Gransnet & this is my first post. I too was in a loveless marriage & after 32 years took the plunge and left my husband a year ago today. Initially I was happier, but as the year has gone on I am feeling very lonely and wondering if I have done the right thing? Has anyone else been in this situation? Do I need to give it more time?

Coolgran65 is so right. Your happiness and independence is so much more important than material things. No one can deny that you need enough to manage but that is all you need. Think about the relief of a home without that negative atmosphere. It is sad that he has problems but you really only have one life and it is yours to do what is best for you. Please do try to sort out as many practical things as you can before you make your decision known. He may react differently to how you think and it is difficult to sort things out if you are having to deal with guilt trips or whatever. Good luck.

But I'd also have rented a wee flat if I'd had to.

I have never regretted leaving my lovely home where I was miserable. No status or material trappings can outweigh peace of mind.
I moved to a small terrace house that I managed to pay for outright with my 50% of equity.

I hope you did it too, escape while you still can. You never know what is around the corner. "They" say that you only regret the things you didn't do!

I hope you took the plunge Daisy, life is not to just be endured, but make sure you get everything you are entitled to. A friend of mine has split her house into two halfs as she now hates her husband. She us permanently out, every day and every evening. She has lots of friends but has admitted that she would just like to stay in more but cannot because of the atmosphere. She values her house and status. I would rather make a home in a little flat and call it home than live in a big house in misery.

I think you are right about the house - I still miss it, but knew I would have to go. In fact I still dream about it and wish I was there, but not him!

No, I have never regretted it, only that I took so long to go, thinking I was putting DD's lovely life she had, first. It was when he started to bully her mentally too that I realised I had to go. She's an amazing and strong and intelligent young woman now, who can see right through her father, also she has been both rich and poor as a result, so understands and gets on well with everyone and anyone.

Daisy 60.... If you are brave enough go for it. I know about living with a heavy drinker . It doesn't get any better with age. Good luck x

Exactly....I had wanted to leave for so long but had put my heart into building up my home despite having very little. Ex h did not work either in the house or out of it despite being a Civil Engineer.. I was the breadwinner and it took me a long time. I was married 5 years before I had a washing machine. After 22 years I left in without a backwards glance.

Years ago I did go and look at a couple of flats with the idea of moving out - they were so awful I thought better of it.
A friends once said "You are not ready to go if you don't want to leave the house" - in other words, if you were really were ready to go the house aspect would not bother you ( I think someone above also said that).
Maybe you are looking around at life differently now you are retired and need to adjust to retirement before making any major changes.
Is the house big enough to separate it into 2 even if not entirely?
I heard that divorce lawyers themselves never divorce because they know what it's like.
All the people above seem to be people who have divorced and I thought I would put another side to the discussion, with the greatest respect for the previous posters.
Is there nobody who divorced and has since regretted it?