This is my first post on gransnet and I am looking for advice, empowerment, support, humour and all manner of positive things.
I married at 21 had two beautiful children in my 20's and now have 3 fabulous grandchildren. I had a successful professional career and retired at 60 (now nearly 65). To cut a long, long story short I cannot stand my husband any longer (I feel so guilty writing that). I do not wish to just go on about all of the negative feelings I have about him. I have come to realise that our marriage is over and has been for a very long time. I constantly ask myself why I have stayed for so long. Now I feel my life is a complete mess because I have stayed too long in a dead marriage, I realise there really is little point in looking back, but I know I must do something as I cannot bear the thought of getting any older with him. It is not permanently awful, we do still laugh and occasionally we do go away.
My husband is a manic depressive and prefers to sit at home drinking. He still works full time and I am happy when he is at work. I dread the weekends. I know my relationship is toxic and I know it is time to go. I will be 65 in August and do not feel old and still feel positive about life, I do however feel so angry at my husband, this is not always fair or justified but he is so negative about everything and the negativity really brings me down too. We have also spent all of our adult lives together and going fills me with fear for the future. But staying scares me even more.
We have a lovely home and my son and daughter and their partners are supportive of me and I count my blessings for that. When we sell our home there will not be enough for us to both have a home in our area, this worries me a lot. I also have a lovely yellow Labrador who is my best friend. Thank you so much for reading this.
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