Biting the tongue again!

My daughter actually asked for my opinion on the way she was coping with toddler DS and about relationship with her DH. DH had made rather a cruel comment to DD in front of me and I mentioned it to her later. I did mention there was a reason because DH is stressed at work so the stress manifests itself in being undiplomatic & uncaring.

I did say that it helps if parents are united in how they handle their children, because the children play one parent off against the other. I don't think this is a generational thing, but just good sense imo.

Of course, if both parents are happy with the way they are handling their children there's not much you can do.

I've just seen this thread, Mishap, and your family's problem is so much like I had with our oldest son and his family.
The main thing was their eldest son, who provoked at mealtimes by eating slowly or not at all - fireworks!
This was about 5 years ago, and the lad is still an awkward so&so, but does eat his meals, slowly and very choosy about diet.
At the time I almost kept my mouth shut, but couldn't avoid pleas to ignore the behaviour and get on with their own meal.
So the moral is - it all changes in time.

Things have changed so much since we brought our children up, I don't seem to know anything according to my dil so I keep my mouth shut many a time.
But just occasionally when I have heard too much I do say something.
It's a balancing act.

I will get off your thread and let you stew in your own flippin' juice.

No good trying to help some people.

[sigh] Making the casual comment I suggested would be no more than "a little exchange". It wouldn't have to develop into anything more. I thought I explained that in my post.

This is not just a little exchange - this is ongoing and a family who is unhappy, and are saying so. I am well able to let the day-to-day ups and downs of family life wash by me - this is in a different league. There is a lot at stake here and getting it right is very important.

It would just be a normal little family conversation.

Does everyone on Gransnet get so hung up about every little exchange they have with their kids? I find it odd.

If mishap felt the need to say anything, I think it might be better for her to phrase it 'I noticed Tommy wouldn't eat his dinner and DD got a bit upset' rather than telling one DD she thought another one's child was naughty!
Ok to stick to facts, but not to pass judgement!

I don't think it would hurt to just say, casually and lightly, to one of your other daughters, "I thought 'A' and 'B' were a little bit naughty at lunch the other day", just to see what response was. I suppose they might have a different opinion to yours, or they might thoroughly agree. You would be getting a peer view.

She doesnt listen to good advice.
There is no way past that one unless praying is involved.

Agree with you there Mishap, about not discussing it with your other DDs I mean.
It sounds as though you are doing all you possibly can - it's so difficult though when we're not geographically close, isn't it?

I feel that discussing it with her sisters would be disloyal, so I do not do that. I am not sure what they think, as they too would not wish to be disloyal, but it may be that they do say something to her about it and I am simply not aware of that.

I don't know what the "game" is really. I have said to her very clearly that she and her OH need to agree to differ about discipline when out of the child's hearing so that he gets a clear message - but it has made not one whit of difference - I have said this on several occasions. But she is determined that her OH's approach is wrong, and will say "Oh naughty Daddy" when he intervenes. It is no wonder the children are confused.

I have doled out a great deal of help and support when asked, but it is a bit tiresome that it is ignored. And meanwhile the children, and one in particular, bear the brunt of it all.

Most of the time it is in the back of my mind, but when they have just visited it comes to to forefront.

But if your DD is letting you know she's unhappy with the situation, isn't that a plea for help and/or support?
Is she really not taking things in, or is she playing a form of Why-don't-you/Yes-but ?

Jane - he has stayed here on occasions and is fine - but that is, I think, par for the course when children stay with GPs - they always behave better.

His behaviour can be troublesome, but, watching what is going on, it seems to me that he has some justification for kicking off.

I am not sure that realistically I can have any influence, and part of me does not want to - it is their life and they must bring up their family as they see fit. But, not only do I find it distressing to witness, but I know my DD is unhappy with the situation from her messages. But she does not take in what is said to her, and it is difficult to know how far to go in advising - or indeed how firm to be in driving home the points.

Their lives must be so stressful in the current situation.

So your DD regularly emails you about how naughty one of the children has been.

I am going to offer two or three suggestions which you are perfectly at will to ignore.

1. Are you sure that you are right and she is wrong? I very much expect that you are right, but I do know for instance that my own mum has a slight favorite of one of my children, who happened to be the naughtiest, and she couldnt see it for several years. We never fell out about it, but when said son grew up more, he was quite open about being a bit of a pain and said so in front of my mother, so she then had to concede that she had got things a bit wrong.

2.As kl asks, was there a difficult birth/pregnancy?

3.Does the gc play up often at home, so when mum goes out with him, she is quite strict with him. I have seen this happen with one family, and thought mum, and dad too for that matter were being over harsh. They probably were, but I did not see how the child was behaving at home on a day to day basis, so I only saw part of the picture.

I think that what stands out a lot in what you have written, is how your DD is treating her husband.
Is she under a lot of stress?
Is he not allowed opinions on anything at all that differs from hers?

It sounds a bit too serious to just let it wash over you, Mishap, if you think the children are unhappy.
How old is the child who is always blamed? Could you have him/her to stay by themselves for a few days maybe, to give them some breathing space and perhaps see things from a different perspective, or would that be too much for you and your DH at the moment?

No - not the DD with the new baby thankfully.

I have pointed some of this out to DD both on the phone and when she brings it up on email. I have sent books, links to helpful websites and given more than strong hints as tactfully as I can, but all to no avail - the situation just continues and I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do.

But when they visit I find it very distressing. Perhaps I should just develop a thick skin and let it wash by me.

How difficult for you Mishap! We always found it was the grandparents who had really obvious favourites but , obviously, we didn't see them that often so managed to cope.

Is is always the same child who gets the blame? Is there a particular reason (difficult birth/pregnancy)? As someone else asked, can you talk to your sil? Are there other issues in your daughter's life?

Not much help - sorry?

They might listen to you more than they do to their parents. I am sure you have a "tone of voice" (like me) that brings them down to earth pretty quickly.

Is it your DD who emails you about their behaviour, or your other daughter/s? If it is the children's mum then surely she is asking for help? Tbh, I think it is your duty to speak up. We do not lay down all responsibility just because they grow up and have children of their own. As they live three hundred miles away, I assume you don't see them that often, so she would have plenty of time for your emailed remarks to sink in, and calm to return (if it goes temporarily out of the window).

Give it a little go.

Did you tell the boys off during the meal out? I hope so! You are their grandmother, and you were doing the taking out.

Is it the children that email you about their woes?

And you DD is not the one who has just had a baby?

Mishap I understand the difficulty. My Sil is about 8 yrs older than DD and seems to find it hard to understand the limitations of a two yr old.

Sil is a bit of a tidiness freak and he tends to complain about DGS spreading his toys about the place a lot when he is playing. It is getting to me a bit and I am biding my time at present.

As it is DGS at 2.5yrs plays with his play people in a very mature manner. One day if the time seems right I might just comment.

That's awful mishap. What do her sisters say about it? Could one of them speak to her? Sorry I'd thought it was your DiL btw

I have no problems with the parenting my my other 2 DDs - don't always agree totally, but certainly not upset or worried by what is going on, as the children are happy and good-mannered (well, most of the time!).

The scenario that I see when they visit is how it is all the time as I am emailed about it all the time. Those children are not happy - it hurts.