Biting the tongue again!

Things have changed so much since we raised our children, We have to accept how our children bring up theirs even if we think it wrong or heading for problems. As you say Mishap, a lot of lip biting is required.

Sorry its been an upsetting visit Mishap..

When they were young with babies and partners I used to keep quiet on the whole but since my daughters are now older and both single I do tell them whats what when I think they aren't handling things well and on the whole they are ok with me voicing an opinion they don't always agree and mostly don't take my advice but they know its well meant and don't take offence..

Is it not possible to speak about it to your DD when things are calmer?

It's so hard. DD sometimes complains about her DDs' (my DGDs) behaviour and I think I know where she's gone wrong, but hints in the past have only produced hostility so I know I can't actually tell her.

I feel for you, Mishap.

I have tentatively ventured an opinion when asked (but not otherwise) but she does not seem to take any notice. She is a good kind girl and lovely to us, so I do not want to do anything that would change that. But there were some things today that really quite disturbed me. They are lovely children and very precious to us.

I was waiting for some more replies.

First off, I dont have gc, so obviously I am talking as an outsider on this.

But I am with tanith. I dont think I would stay more or less totally schtum in these circumstances. I think that we do have to stand up for gc as well at times.

I try to demonstrate how to manage the DGSs rather than actually say anything. I just do stuff and the boys behaviour shows that it works and we all have a nice time. Maybe they complain behind my back but we do too! We all love them and they know that which helps. I think! Good luck mishap maybe this too shall pass?

That is the policy that I too pursue Jane10, but they live 300 miles away so we do not see them very often. I have just taken the whole family out for lunch and it was not easy. One child gets all the blame whoever is at fault; and Dad is roundly told off (in front of the children) if he ventures an opinion or tries to discipline the right child. Gosh, it is hard.

Oh dear. Not easy. Maybe your DiL was having a bad day? Hormones playing up? It can be stressful staying with in laws? I bet you've thought of all that though. Wonder if she's feeling bad now. I hope she makes it up with the other child and her DH but you'll never know. Oh dear again. Its a pity you live so far away and can't see more day to day stuff.

Oh dear Mishap that is hard. You must feel so sorry for the child who is getting the blame. Any ideas why that happens? Can you talk to SiL about it?

Biting my tongue was something I had to learn where DGs were concerned.

What works for us is I accept DD has ways of doing things in her home with her children but both DGs know some rules are slightly different at Granny's, which they adhere to.

I have though sometimes forgotten my own rule and but in before I realise it, smile at DD and say oops but at the same time, the girls have also been reminded to mind their manners/stop bickering.

Re any couples relationship. I stay well clear as I don't know the full story.

How difficult for you Mishap. My DD have had our 'moments' but I could never criticise her parenting skills. Our DGD is almost 15 and a credit to her mum and dad and she always has been.

I have no problems with the parenting my my other 2 DDs - don't always agree totally, but certainly not upset or worried by what is going on, as the children are happy and good-mannered (well, most of the time!).

The scenario that I see when they visit is how it is all the time as I am emailed about it all the time. Those children are not happy - it hurts.

That's awful mishap. What do her sisters say about it? Could one of them speak to her? Sorry I'd thought it was your DiL btw

Mishap I understand the difficulty. My Sil is about 8 yrs older than DD and seems to find it hard to understand the limitations of a two yr old.

Sil is a bit of a tidiness freak and he tends to complain about DGS spreading his toys about the place a lot when he is playing. It is getting to me a bit and I am biding my time at present.

As it is DGS at 2.5yrs plays with his play people in a very mature manner. One day if the time seems right I might just comment.

Is it the children that email you about their woes?

And you DD is not the one who has just had a baby?

Is it your DD who emails you about their behaviour, or your other daughter/s? If it is the children's mum then surely she is asking for help? Tbh, I think it is your duty to speak up. We do not lay down all responsibility just because they grow up and have children of their own. As they live three hundred miles away, I assume you don't see them that often, so she would have plenty of time for your emailed remarks to sink in, and calm to return (if it goes temporarily out of the window).

Give it a little go.

Did you tell the boys off during the meal out? I hope so! You are their grandmother, and you were doing the taking out.

They might listen to you more than they do to their parents. I am sure you have a "tone of voice" (like me) that brings them down to earth pretty quickly.

How difficult for you Mishap! We always found it was the grandparents who had really obvious favourites but , obviously, we didn't see them that often so managed to cope.

Is is always the same child who gets the blame? Is there a particular reason (difficult birth/pregnancy)? As someone else asked, can you talk to your sil? Are there other issues in your daughter's life?

Not much help - sorry?

No - not the DD with the new baby thankfully.

I have pointed some of this out to DD both on the phone and when she brings it up on email. I have sent books, links to helpful websites and given more than strong hints as tactfully as I can, but all to no avail - the situation just continues and I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do.

But when they visit I find it very distressing. Perhaps I should just develop a thick skin and let it wash by me.

It sounds a bit too serious to just let it wash over you, Mishap, if you think the children are unhappy.
How old is the child who is always blamed? Could you have him/her to stay by themselves for a few days maybe, to give them some breathing space and perhaps see things from a different perspective, or would that be too much for you and your DH at the moment?

So your DD regularly emails you about how naughty one of the children has been.

I am going to offer two or three suggestions which you are perfectly at will to ignore.

1. Are you sure that you are right and she is wrong? I very much expect that you are right, but I do know for instance that my own mum has a slight favorite of one of my children, who happened to be the naughtiest, and she couldnt see it for several years. We never fell out about it, but when said son grew up more, he was quite open about being a bit of a pain and said so in front of my mother, so she then had to concede that she had got things a bit wrong.

2.As kl asks, was there a difficult birth/pregnancy?

3.Does the gc play up often at home, so when mum goes out with him, she is quite strict with him. I have seen this happen with one family, and thought mum, and dad too for that matter were being over harsh. They probably were, but I did not see how the child was behaving at home on a day to day basis, so I only saw part of the picture.

I think that what stands out a lot in what you have written, is how your DD is treating her husband.
Is she under a lot of stress?
Is he not allowed opinions on anything at all that differs from hers?

Jane - he has stayed here on occasions and is fine - but that is, I think, par for the course when children stay with GPs - they always behave better.

His behaviour can be troublesome, but, watching what is going on, it seems to me that he has some justification for kicking off.

I am not sure that realistically I can have any influence, and part of me does not want to - it is their life and they must bring up their family as they see fit. But, not only do I find it distressing to witness, but I know my DD is unhappy with the situation from her messages. But she does not take in what is said to her, and it is difficult to know how far to go in advising - or indeed how firm to be in driving home the points.

Their lives must be so stressful in the current situation.

But if your DD is letting you know she's unhappy with the situation, isn't that a plea for help and/or support?
Is she really not taking things in, or is she playing a form of Why-don't-you/Yes-but ?

I don't know what the "game" is really. I have said to her very clearly that she and her OH need to agree to differ about discipline when out of the child's hearing so that he gets a clear message - but it has made not one whit of difference - I have said this on several occasions. But she is determined that her OH's approach is wrong, and will say "Oh naughty Daddy" when he intervenes. It is no wonder the children are confused.

I have doled out a great deal of help and support when asked, but it is a bit tiresome that it is ignored. And meanwhile the children, and one in particular, bear the brunt of it all.

Most of the time it is in the back of my mind, but when they have just visited it comes to to forefront.