Am at my wit's end with my son and DIL

You need to remember what it was like to be a daughter-in-law, not always easy, for me anyway.Also, some dil's are needy with their DH and feel overpowered by the time your son has lived with you and what I influence you exert on him.In short, they are jealous, and need to put you out of the picture a bit.In time, if you can remain pleasant and friendly with them and show that you are no threat to the marriage, then things can improve.
It's not a contest with the other Grandparents, allow them to spend money on the DGC, and you buy small quirky gifts from time to time for them, but most of all show them you love them.This is such a common thing, when a son marries, that we have nearly all had some experience of it, but unless the woman is an out and out horror, then it will get better in time.Least said , soonest mended.

elrel is right - I too was shocked to read that your son was in tears when discussing it with you. That cannot be right. Stop discussing it is what I think! You cannot have him in this situation.

Leave it be; enjoy each other's company and drop the subject with your son.

You ask how to handle it, and I say go with her rules. I know they grate and get right under your skin, but you cannot change her and should not even try. Enjoy the contact you do have, and let the rest wash by. I am not suggesting that this is easy, but only that it might be the right thing to do.

Elrel..you are a wise person. I think for now I will take your advice, because it cannot hurt. But I don't want to be seen by my DIL as submissive and passive...what do I do when she blatantly chooses not to let us see our grand children alone (meaning without her parents or other family members around) she finds an excuse any time we want to take them anywhere. How do I handle that?

SBHGoldenmom13:
You say your son was crying about the situation, it sounds tough for him too. You also say you are happily married. Try to step back, concentrate on your own happy relationship for a while and give your poor son some room to breathe. They have 3 very young children which bring joy but also tension and sheer weariness at times.
Try to stay cool, expect nothing and keep channels of communication open. You may be surprised. People change as do situations, we never know what is around the corner. Don't burn any boats!
Just a final thought - being 'second best' means you don't need to strive to be 'best' at everything. I'm sure you have plenty to offer your little grandchildren and they will gradually come to realise this!

SBH. Do you think that she loves your son? It sounds like she does?

I don't think they spend enough time thinking about what's best for their children SBHGoldenmom13, in our case too much of their time is taken up with finding the best way of using our GC as a weapon against us.

You take care too. I do hope everything works out for you. The pain of being cut out of your own child's and GC's lives is beyond words. Just remember, you're making memories so make as many as you can for as long as you can .

Smileless....my hear aches for you ...and I agree, why does it have to be this way..??? I Have asked myself that for 8 years..don't they understand that the more time they have with BOTH sets of grand parents, the better off for the GC???? Take care of yourself! XXOO

If you really feel that raising this issue with your son is going to be a risk then I don't see how you can SBHGoldenmom13. I hope that keeping your mouth shut and grinning and bearing it works. It didn't work for us but I know some grandparents who have managed to do so with varying degrees of success, but as time goes by are finding it increasingly difficult to maintain.

To be honest I just don't understand why this happens. Why do some in law's become second best or at worse cut out of their children's and grand children's lives because their s.i.l. or d.i.l. feels more comfortable with his/her own family? When you get married you become a member of your partners family too.

I understand how you're struggling, feeling that you've lost your connection with your son and GC. Having lost mine completely I can only advise you to concentrate on the time you do get to spend with them, make the most of every moment and enjoy the great life you have with your DH.

You're making memories for yourselves and your GC. Our GC now 3.5 wont have any memories of us because we've not been aloud near him since he was 8 months old. His brother or sister due at Christmas wont have any of us either and sadly we will never have any of him/her.

Mishap....LOL! I guess I was exaggerating just a bit! It's just that the last ime we spoke to my son about these issues, one of his responses to us (as he was crying) was .."what do you want m to do? Divorce her?" and that has stopped us from discussing it for several years.

WW3 is to be avoided at all costs. You may have to be a bit more subtle!

So, again, the question: Do I keep my mouth shut and just "Grin and bear it" or do I take the risk of talking to my son (again) and started WW 3? ...I keep going up and back.....

That's what I wanted to do, dreamed of doing, thought I would do; "read stories, act daft" ask about everything. I've bought books that I'll never read to him now; Dr. Seuss, Peter Pan, Alice in Wonderland. I wanted to show him the wonders of literature as it's a passion of mine and my ES and d.i.l. are not really into books. I wanted to dance around the living room with him, like I did with both of our boys when they were young.

I'm sending your a BIG HUG rubylady a l-- o-- n-- g "good old fashioned squeeze" as well as my admiration because you keep getting up, picking up the pieces and dusting yourself down and that's such a hard thing to do.

Your son has his birthdayso here are somefor you and a, not for you to toast your son's bday with but so you can raise a glass to yourself, because you were a good mum, the best that you could be which is all any of us can ever hope for.

My DHs parents hardly ever saw our DDS, would cancel on them on regularly and was very fickle. They would throw money at every situation, when a simple 'I'm sorry' would of done. They never 'did' anything with them? Never played, talked, and really interacted with them.

Not the same, but our best friends, see them maybe once or twice a month? They read stories, act daft ask about school and are generally interested in what she has to say (Our dds are 5 and 2)

Guess who gets the most mention? Our DD asks when they are coming down ALL the time. She never asks about her grandparents.

It's not about the money, it's not about the amount of time but how you spend that time.

Rubylady

Feeling for you.....

Crafting:

You make such good points, but how can you show your grand children the love you have for them, when you hardly ever see them and when we do, her parents are always around? We rarely have alone time with them and when we do, it is for an hour or so. Our grand children do not know us on an individual basis and when the kids are with both sets of grand parents, they gravitate towards my DIL's parents, as they are whom they know best.

Smileless 2012.....thank you for your words...they meant a lot.

Thank you for your kind messages. I did however, lie in bed earlier and wonder what the point of it all was. I have been a parent for 27 years and my son turns 18 on Thursday so legally my days of parenting are over then. He will be an adult in the eyes of the law and my official part is done with. So what now and what was it all for? My daughter doesn't speak to me and those who know how my son is with me at times knows that he can be abusive too. I feel I have wasted the last 27/28 years and now all I want is to find a nice man and basically to have what I had 30 years ago when I married. A home, a husband and a dog. Why didn't I just stick with that? I have been a stay at home mum mostly, to be there for when they both needed me, to be there when they came home from school and not an empty house, to be there. Now I am on the scrap heap with no friends around, no family of support (my dad does his best, especially with his illness). When does it get too much to keep picking up the pieces, brushing yourself off and starting all over again? It's what I'll have to do but I am finding it very hard this time. I have managed to phone the doctors to find out if my counselling has been sorted out. And I have another appointment so at least I have the doctor.

I will bite my lip, put on a happy smile, buy my son his cake and do the birthday thing and then I will take my wonderful, gorgeous doggie, who is my savior, to the cafe near me and we will sit outside and drink tea and make conversation with anyone who bothers to stop and chat. That is the plan.

What I need is a hug. A long, good old fashioned squeeze as my grandparents used to say. I wish they were here along with my auntie, I was loved then. And let's face it, it is all any of us want to feel.

I do hope so too Smileless

Thank you elena. I really don't know if any amount of time will soften the situation with our son and his wife.

As you say Ash Tree we humans are complex and there are so many factors that can and do influence our lives and contribute to the people we become. As parents, we like to think that the way we we've raised our children is one of the most significant and enduring of influences, but as any parent estranged from their child can testify too, this isn't always the case.

We are fortunate to be in a position where we could have been able to help out financially in the future, as we'd done in the past. Help which was freely given and accepted but has now been thrown back in our faces, seen by them as our desire to exercise control. The best thing we can give to our children and grand children is our love, which we continue to do in our hearts and prayers and I can only hope that even if it's not for many years, when he's a young man, we will be able to give that love to our grandson at some time in the future and be able to tell him that our love was always there for him even though we'd been prevented from giving it to him.

My DH and I are considerably better off than ou DGC other grandparents. We do buy nice gifts for our GC and help out financially where we can but I would never think this makes us better or more important grandparents. The best thing you can give your GC is love and money does not come into that. I wish you all well and hope that your children realise what they are missing out on.

I feel so sad for all of you. What a harrowing experience to be so poorly treated by your own children, when you would do (and indeed have done) anything for them.

I don't think that it's a generational thing either. Human nature is very complex and we are all individuals, with individually complex traits and reactions. I have a good strong relationship with both of my DC, but there are traits in their personalities that sometimes bewilder me - nothing seriously upsetting, but I puzzle sometimes how and why they have developed a particular characteristic. The truth is that we are each the product of so many influences: family, friends, school, college, work, the films we watch, the books we read, the relationships we witness in others, the times we live in. I sometimes think it's a miracle that any families actually do remain united.

Smileless, how dreadful to be so near and yet so far....

Do you think that time might soften the situation?

I say this, because one of my (adult) children became very angry (with some justification) with one of the others. Apologies in writing and in person did no good at all, and they remained very distant for several years (though never to the extent of not actually speaking). However, as time has gone on, things have got better between them, and the 'angry' child has mellowed. I don't think the relationship is especially warm between them, but it's good enough.

SBHgoldenmom Sugarpuffairy and rubylady your family situations are heart breaking. I know what it's like to be treated so badly by one's own child. We have been estranged from our youngest son for more than 2.5 years which means we are also excluded from the life of our only grand child.

Each of your experiences contains some we've had and like you rubylady we've taken the difficult and painful decision to withdraw completely as far as our son and d.i.l. are concerned but we do send bday and Christmas
cards to our grandchild. Withdrawing is particularly difficult as they live about 400 yards down the road from us. Passing our grandchild in the village we live is torture and now there's another on the way.

In spite of their close proximity though, we are gradually, very slowly benefiting from our decision. Like all of you and sadly so many others, we carry our pain on a daily basis but at least feel that we've taken back some control of our lives. We're no longer being used and manipulated by a selfish, ungrateful and manipulative son and his wife.

There is simply no rhyme or reason for parents to be treated this way. Why some people are unable or unwilling to ensure that in laws and parents are treated the same is beyond me. Such blatant favouritism is cruel and even more so when grand children are involved.

All we can do is carry on with our lives and enjoy the family and friends who bring us so much love, comfort and support.

To quote the Bard "Sharper than a serpents tooth is an ungrateful child".

I am sorry for you all, myself and all of those other parents who now suffer at the hands of their children and in many instances the partners they've chosen.

These are very sad tales I would find them heart-breaking, and I would be just as upset and angry if they happened to me.

I don't think it is 'this generation' though.

Selfishness and bad behaviour have happened at all times. To blame it on modern families, or a lack of respect characteristic of the 21st century, is wrong. I don't think it has anything to do with the age we are in. When it comes to emotions and relationships, we are talking about human nature and human experience

Every family I know has examples of it in the past - not all of them as florid as these examples, here, but some are even worse.

I cried when I read your complex family problems,my heart goes out to you all.

My own problems with my DIL fade into insignificance.