got upset

Oops meant to do a smile

That's good to hear coolgran and number please. ��

So glad it came to a happy conclusion Coolgran.

I am very happy to say that dh has just said he'd like to go with me to the funeral tomorrow. I said that I appreciated that, and what changed his mind. DH said that he had been thinking about it.

Thanks everyone for your views and support today.

numberplease - I am so happy for you. Don't feel guilty, you deserve your gift.

Mishap -

That's lovely number, perhaps it's just that they're not good at showing affection (just like my DH )
No need to feel guilty, it's the thought that counts isn't it?

Coolgran, no need for feeling humbled, I was just venting. I felt guilty later, after taking delivery of a parcel, it was a new laptop for my birthday, a joint present from the both of them, I felt guilty because I can`t afford more than a few pounds when it`s their birthdays.

Oh - stick with "pretty hot" - that makes up for a lot!!

Eleothan you have put it very well. Gransnet has put me right more than once, for which I'm grateful.

Mishap I knew you were just giving a perspective It is others' perspectives that helps us balance our own.

Riverwalk Perhaps I have made DH appear older in how I have commented, but on the other hand, it does show the change that I've noticed come over him. Mind you... he still looks pretty hot !!

My feeling is that "talking things through" isn't generally something that men are keen on doing - though I'm sure there must be exceptions. Most of the women I know get upset that their partners just clam up if challenged about something they've said or done. Speaking personally, I find myself becoming very shrill and over-emotional when I'm trying to discuss something that's upset me but then just come up against a "brick wall".

Coolgran Gransnet is good in providing a forum on which we can vent our frustrations and then, as you have done, reflect on the positive side of things and decide that it isn't quite as bad as you thought. Having said that, I find it upsetting when my husband shows a distinct lack of enthusiasm if I suggest doing something spontaneously, so I absolutely understand how you feel.

Oh numberplease really, I think I would be furious if two grown people sat around for hours waiting for me to come home and get them something to eat. This idleness is no good for you (since it must be tiring - and very annoying) - and it's no good for them either. It is always difficult to change patterns of behaviour if they have developed over a long period, but perhaps you could gradually do a bit less and ask them to do a bit more.

Coolgran - I had not intended you to feel humbled, but just giving another perspective.

We all weather the blips in one way or another; and some of the bad things are counterbalanced by the good.

We all have to decide what we are prepared to tolerate and what is worth fighting over. That is what marriage is about I guess!

Coolgran you DH sounds an overall good egg, just a bit selfish at home, like many men.

My only comment would be that at only 61 he's a bit young to be acting like an old-man - I thought he sounded at least 75!

You say that he's a well controlled diabetic; good for him because so many people [men especially] aren't and don't even take it seriously [a lot of diabetics seem to be in a form of denial and that often leads to mood swings]. Perhaps the way he controls his diabetes has filtered it's way into his general slant on life and he subconsciously realises that it's best to stick to a rigid routine? And is, perhaps afraid not to.

Mishap and numberplease I am humbled.

Had what at the time seemed like a bad couple of days and vented.

Mishap. I've previously read with admiration your posts and how you've coped with your DH and his PD,and indeed with your own health.

numberplease I have followed your posts and can see that life is not easy for you.

You have both set me back on my heels .... Thank you for that.
Perspective !!

janerowena I admire your style.

DH has just left to go to his bowls match and we shared a warm hug
All appears well.

I'm glad I posted this thread, it has focused me somewhat.

I used to have that, until I rebelled. I think I watched my mother do it all and thought I had to, as well. DBH always justified it by saying that I always told him off if he took the wrong things. I just said he had a tongue - ask if not sure. We have two fridges now, one he can rummage in, the other he can't touch as it's for evening meals and for when what's in the other fridge runs out - otherwise he would always take the newest and freshest of everything and not use up the older things.

Janerowena - absolutely.... that's it.

The garden is pretty much my domain also apart from power hosing. Last week I looked out on the shrub bed and thought I can't face weeding that to set it up for summer. So suggested, what do you think of using quality weed membrane and bark chippings to cut labour. DH worked for two days solid to clear out what perrenials we no longer wanted and lay the membrane and chippings. I only had to ask.

I also agree that these DBHs often will see how much they can get out of....without getting into trouble. I'm not a mind reader is a very useful phrase. But they're not blind either. !

Men don't think like us, and don't see the need to, or want to.
Priorities are different.

My hubby slouches in his chair all day, either asleep, or watching the dreadful TV channel Movies4Men! When he`s awake, he can`t stand the television being switched off, whereas I only put it on if I really want to watch something. I know he`s suffered a fair bitof bad health over the last couple of years, and isn`t as able as he used to be, but this is how he`s always been, and it drives me scranny!
We have our eldest child still living here, she`s 51 now, and disabled, but still able to do some things, but like her dad, she does next to nothing. An example. Last week, I went out one morning to have my hair done. I left before either of them were up, so left their mugs with teabags and milk in, in his case sweeteners as well, I left his dish and spoon ready for him to put his Weetabix in. I didn`t arrive home until 1.50pm, they were both sitting there, TV blaring out as usual, saying they were starving. I asked if they`d got themselves anything to eat, the answer,
"we didn`t know what you`d got!" Asda only delivered the day before! He`d had his Weetabix, but nothing else, and the cups were still there with teabags and milk in!
Sorry for the rant.

You go out with him and do things! - you are a lucky lady!

My OH has PD and he is very anxious about going out and doing anything; and he is quite weak. On holiday last week he spent the whole time in the cottage, except for one walk and one trip down to the beach. I am used to doing things on my own and take it on the chin - I had a lovely time as other members of the family were there; but when it is just us, I do things on my own. I have got used to this and don't let it upset me.

I recognise that scenario very well, from observing Mil and Fil over the years. DBH will be exactly the same, in fact I am trying to nip it in the bud. If your DBH is anything like mine, then he is only too aware of what he is up to, mine will slither his way out of all sorts of things he doesn't fancy doing, yet, like yours, can be incredibly kind in many ways. Mine has just been off work for a week, and has done a lot of things that I wanted him to help me with in the garden (which is really my domain), but he is supposed to empty the dishwasher. I swear he thinks I have forgotten that it is meant to be his job when he is on holiday. Yesterday he was watching tv and obviously wasn't going to move, so I said 'Congratulations!' He looked puzzled. 'You have beaten your own record, you haven't bothered to empty the dishwasher once this past week and a half!'.

But if he hasn't been all that helpful, I will be very firm that it is his turn, and also make him do more cooking. I can't let it pile up, I used to feel like you every week. I hate the fact that he won't just get on with it without me having to chase him up. But there it is - I do have to.

TriciaF - I also love my 'me time'
The original point was that following his 'me time' DH didn't have much energy for 'us time'.
I mean.....quality 'us time' as opposed to just watching tv.

Yesterday was obviously a shaky moment for me. I have been doing a bit too much for too long on little sleep and was weary.

And now.... I've just had a phone call from my health centre changing my afternoon appt from 2 to 5. That means hitting the rush hour traffic, the appts are likely to be running late, and I'll need the treatment room after and hope that it will not be too late for the nurses. Gone deaf in one ear two weeks ago and have been using ear drops hoping they will syringe today.

Have a good day everyone.

Seems perhaps I expect too much. DH brought up his 3 sons as a single parent and could and did do everything. He was always very pro active whilst also working as a police officer, and was off work for a year following serious injuries sustained in a close contact criminal situation. Guess I'm not making enough allowances for passing years. Though he is only 61 - I am 66 (but appear younger than him according to dgd age 7

Roses... As for sport, if it moves...it's sport. Sky sports channel is a best friend followed closely by the news channel.

Thank you all for letting me vent. You've been great, helped me realise that we're not much different from any other couples and possibly better than most.

As for my op where I mentioned DH not going to the funeral tomorrow, maybe I gave it more importance than necessary.

But I shall endeavour to bear in mind all comments and try and speak up 'at the time' .

flowers to each of you.

Coolgran - your comment that he can be stubborn resonates with me. My husband is usually kind and caring, but about certain things you can't budge him. I think many men of his generation think it's a serious weakness to give in to women.
Another point - when we're retired and together 24/7 I like to have some time to myself - perhaps your husband does too?
My friend here and her husband do everything together, I couldn't cope with that!

Also, most men enjoy some tv time, especially sport.

Getting older and losing testosterone( to a degree!) That means they don't do as much decision making as when they were younger, and possibly enjoy being at home more.I don't mind that, I must say.We do more going out together now than ever we used to, but I always am the one to suggest it, and if he likes the idea he will go along with it.