got upset

Yes Coolgran! now and then I do and I suspect a lot of women do. men don't understand at all.To them, life is very nice and if we don't show that we are upset they don't ever realise.Try and explain again to him how you feel, and say that you need his support for the funeral( he doesn't realise that you do.)Cut down a bit for a while on the feeding the five thousand and doing too many grandparent duties, and meet a friend out for lunch or coffee and sit in the garden with a book. get DH to go out somewhere with you that you both like? good luck, it's just a blip, and things may be better if you can talk about it.Yesterday at cooked a roast lunch for seven and then looked after grandchildren until the evening, so know what you mean about feeling the aches.

I don't have the same problem as you describe with the lack of interest but I do know that awful feel g you get when there are tensions between you. Its awful but you'll get through it.

I know you said you wish you hadn't said anything but I think you were right to. Even though it's caused a bit of bad feeling. I have a stubborn DH too. If I bring a subject up that he doesn't want to discuss, he goes quiet and distant. I just give up and nothing gets sorted. Sometimes I think it's better to have a good blow up but he likes to "keep the cart on the wheels". Roughly translated this means do things his way!

Men! You can't live with them............and you can't live with them

Keep your chin up, it will soon blow over. Failing that, hide his bowls and golf clubs!

I'm sure this story is a familiar one to many. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks so you either have to accept the status quo or actively work to chance it.

I'd suggest that you stop making life so easy for DH. Start with the funeral tomorrow. Go without him, but don't rush home to make his lunch or tea. Either go to the wake or go out afterwards with your brother for a meal.

Don't always be at home when DH gets back from his hobbies. Start getting some of your own or volunteer for some voluntary work - there's plenty out there.

It's easy to slip back after one of these episodes and just forgive and forget, but the solution lies within yourself, or you simply accept the situation and carry on, until the next time.

Sorry you feel like this at a time in life when you've got more time to spend together.

I agree with the advice from Anya, but also would suggest that you could go and watch some of his bowls matches. If you don't already. Maybe he thinks you are not interested in his activities.

Hope it works out. x

Thanks folks. Thing is... he's really such a good and loving husband.

My ddil is also a niece of the deceased and so she and her family will be there. DH has said he will pick up dgs from nursery and keep him until later when his dad (our ds) will pick him up before going to the after funeral refreshments. My brother will be going straight to work immediately after the funeral.
My issue is that DH should have made more effort. Even though DH will have dgs he could easily go the the tea and sandwiches bit. Our ds, Dgc, ddil will be there. It's not as if there is a problem within the family/extended family that would make him want to stay away.
It's only very recently that he has become such a stay at home, excepting the darned bowls. We will go to theatre if I book tickets. And go out for dinner ok.

The night is over and I've been up and down all night. I'm about to get showered for the day. DH is still in bed. He will get up and probably be as normal as is possible. We rarely have a problem which is why it's so upsetting for me.
DH doesn't do talking things through which me very well..... I get very emotional.

I have close friends, we do lunch often. We go out. I have lots to do.
But as previous poster said, I believe that I've made life too comfortable.

If I didn't be home to make dinner DH wouldn't be put out ....he'd make a snack and hope I had a good time.

Yep, just a blip - I don't like blips.

Oh... And I know I am a bit supersensitive.

It is just a blip, you'll be fine I'm sure.

I do know that feeling of getting emotional and sensitive about things. That's me down to a tee. And DH sounds like yours - a lovely man and good husband but not too good at talking and emotional stuff.

All this will pass. Everything does. Chin up lovely xx

I don't talk about 'the emotional stuff' to DH. If I have a specific problem I'll speak to him about it directly. Eg if I needed him to go to a funeral with me I would tell him outright. I've only relatively recently started doing this and its made a big difference. He told me that he finds it helpful as he's not a mind reader and used to get irritated by me obviously being annoyed at him but not being able to work out why! 40 years on and still learning about each other!

J52 No worries about my interest in his bowls. I used to play enough to go to his practices with him. That was pre fibromyalgia. Last season I'd go watch a few matches and take a book with me. This year at his new club he isn't so much the new guy to the club and cars are shared to matches. Some matches are a 90 minute drive plus 3 hour match. It can be a long afternoon for a supporter... but on occasion when it's local, ie a half hour drive, I sometimes pop over and watch for an hour.

DH is a bowler of 30 years. Bill Shankley said.... some people think ** is a matter of life and death. It's actually more serious than that. !!

But of course bowls/ golf.....or even his beloved Liverpool FC is not the big deal. I think the big deal may be complacency at home. Which DH would totally disagree with.

It is my birthday next week and for that he will always make an effort.

Sillyoldbird Love the name and also your ...chin up lovely.

It's good to share your 'blip'. That's one of GN's positives.

Possibly, emotional types ( I include myself in this) are attracted to the ' non talkers, thinkers' which is fine when we have work, children to sort out and busy, routine lives. But when our time is not so pressured and we spend more time at home together it can be difficult.

I know I emotionally, over think situations, whereas DH is more matter of fact and cannot always see why I get upset over silly things.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better now. x

I have close friends, we do lunch often. We go out. I have lots to do.

There's your answer, Coolgran Your DH is simply making sure he has plenty to do.

Mine loves to slob out in front of the telly when he has nothing to do and I marvel at the way he leaps out of bed at 7.30am on his fishing days when normally he makes me a cup of tea then gets back into bed for another hour.

As for talking things through? Do men really do that??

You say he's a good and loving husband.

Count your blessings.

Coolgran65 the name is because my husband calls my his pigeon (ahhhhhhhh ) and my granddaughter loves Peppa Pig. Apparently one of the characters calls one of the others a silly old bird

Oh, and I am ridiculously silly, as my other post about my recent embarrassing moment shows.

Jane .. I know, speak up and don't let an annoyance fester..... Because then I speak up I'm a mess.

Merlot, you're right....blessings.

Silly....I know peppa pig well.... thanks pigeon.

Ok, New day....

In the OP you said it's been come an irritation that your DH makes excuses not to do things with you.
Jane10 has a good point. You maybe need to say directly that you miss doing things with him.
It sounds as if you are operating in parallel to each other and he doesn't realise that you feel alone.

Far north - we do things together but no longer as spontaneous.
We do the boring grocery shopping together, go out for breakfast every Saturday morning. Usually have tea/dinner out randomly once a week.
We go visit sis in law on a Saturday afternoon and have good craic.
Anything spontaneous is of my making.

He is a well controlled diabetic and I feel sometimes he pushes himself out of the house and is then tired. Or am I making excuses for him.

Himself is up and we've had our good mornings.
I apologized for making a drama....he said ok...
I told him about mail and he says ..What was that wee lamb !!! Perhaps he forgot he was still in slightly hurt mode?

Saying he doesn't want to do anything with me, I might have been a bit strong, but he certainly is quite content to sit in front of tv more of late.
Were I to ask, please will you xxxxxx he will do so. I guess I want him to want to.

Then you will have a long wait!It's just men, and yes, the fact that they are getting older.

Getting older and losing testosterone( to a degree!) That means they don't do as much decision making as when they were younger, and possibly enjoy being at home more.I don't mind that, I must say.We do more going out together now than ever we used to, but I always am the one to suggest it, and if he likes the idea he will go along with it.

Also, most men enjoy some tv time, especially sport.

Coolgran - your comment that he can be stubborn resonates with me. My husband is usually kind and caring, but about certain things you can't budge him. I think many men of his generation think it's a serious weakness to give in to women.
Another point - when we're retired and together 24/7 I like to have some time to myself - perhaps your husband does too?
My friend here and her husband do everything together, I couldn't cope with that!

Seems perhaps I expect too much. DH brought up his 3 sons as a single parent and could and did do everything. He was always very pro active whilst also working as a police officer, and was off work for a year following serious injuries sustained in a close contact criminal situation. Guess I'm not making enough allowances for passing years. Though he is only 61 - I am 66 (but appear younger than him according to dgd age 7

Roses... As for sport, if it moves...it's sport. Sky sports channel is a best friend followed closely by the news channel.

Thank you all for letting me vent. You've been great, helped me realise that we're not much different from any other couples and possibly better than most.

As for my op where I mentioned DH not going to the funeral tomorrow, maybe I gave it more importance than necessary.

But I shall endeavour to bear in mind all comments and try and speak up 'at the time' .

flowers to each of you.

TriciaF - I also love my 'me time'
The original point was that following his 'me time' DH didn't have much energy for 'us time'.
I mean.....quality 'us time' as opposed to just watching tv.

Yesterday was obviously a shaky moment for me. I have been doing a bit too much for too long on little sleep and was weary.

And now.... I've just had a phone call from my health centre changing my afternoon appt from 2 to 5. That means hitting the rush hour traffic, the appts are likely to be running late, and I'll need the treatment room after and hope that it will not be too late for the nurses. Gone deaf in one ear two weeks ago and have been using ear drops hoping they will syringe today.

Have a good day everyone.

I recognise that scenario very well, from observing Mil and Fil over the years. DBH will be exactly the same, in fact I am trying to nip it in the bud. If your DBH is anything like mine, then he is only too aware of what he is up to, mine will slither his way out of all sorts of things he doesn't fancy doing, yet, like yours, can be incredibly kind in many ways. Mine has just been off work for a week, and has done a lot of things that I wanted him to help me with in the garden (which is really my domain), but he is supposed to empty the dishwasher. I swear he thinks I have forgotten that it is meant to be his job when he is on holiday. Yesterday he was watching tv and obviously wasn't going to move, so I said 'Congratulations!' He looked puzzled. 'You have beaten your own record, you haven't bothered to empty the dishwasher once this past week and a half!'.

But if he hasn't been all that helpful, I will be very firm that it is his turn, and also make him do more cooking. I can't let it pile up, I used to feel like you every week. I hate the fact that he won't just get on with it without me having to chase him up. But there it is - I do have to.

You go out with him and do things! - you are a lucky lady!

My OH has PD and he is very anxious about going out and doing anything; and he is quite weak. On holiday last week he spent the whole time in the cottage, except for one walk and one trip down to the beach. I am used to doing things on my own and take it on the chin - I had a lovely time as other members of the family were there; but when it is just us, I do things on my own. I have got used to this and don't let it upset me.