47th anniversary today and I feel sad

cangran I can imagine how dreadfully shocking and hurtful it must have been for some woman to turn up on your doorstep to tell you about her affair with your husband. I think he would have shown himself as trying a lot more if - instead of giving you a card - he had gone to counselling with you. It seems that you have done all that you can to restore the relationship - which is pretty noble of you really in the circumstances.

I hope tomorrow is a much better day.

Thanks Eloethan. Once I didn't give him a card and he said 'at least I'm trying', i.e. that a card was all it took! I went to counselling years ago and found it helpful (he wouldn't come. What - talk to a stranger?) Six months later a woman I knew only slightly came to our house to tell me that she had been sleeping with him ('but not many times'!) I moved into our spare room and slept on a mattress for a few months (in hindsight, I should have insisted he left or at least moved out of our room). Our kids were teenagers and a few issues came up with them so, once again, I put my own life on hold to ensure they were ok.

I don't want to dwell on the past now (I've beaten myself up enough) and do have lovely kids, little grandson, and friends. Tomorrow I'll feel better I'm sure but today it has been so lovely to hear from Gransnet friends. I met a friend for coffee today who had had a hellish week last week after her 41 year old son had a cardiac arrest - he's ok but being with her was sobering, and gave me a better perspective on what's most important.

cangran It's very sad to spend many years with a person and then find that the relationship has become empty and uncompanionable. I don't think it's always a case that, as rosesarered suggested, there was a "right" person who you missed out on, but sometimes people just grow apart. I think it is probably more common than you would imagine.

As I think others on here have said, it is much easier to make a new life if your financial situation is good - if there is enough value in your home to enable you both to buy separate properties out of the proceeds - and to have enough income on which to live reasonably comfortably.

If I felt as you do, and with the above consideration re money in mind, I would be tempted to make a fresh start. I did think though that there must be something in your marriage as you both bothered to exchange anniversary cards. From the way you described it, it sounded like you were both a bit embarrassed as to how to behave towards each other because the relationship has become distant and uncomfortably formal. Is it possible that your husband would also like a closer relationship but that the distance between you means that neither of you know quite how to achieve it? Would counselling help? I should imagine that the fact your husband previously had affairs makes it particularly difficult for you. Would counselling help - perhaps to let you speak frankly and help you decide what you want to do - or couple counselling - to see if your relationship can be improved?

If you think it is financially unrealistic to contemplate divorcing but there is no hope of a more rewarding relationship with your husband, I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that you have a son who is good company, a great social life, plenty of interests and some good friends.

Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts. It really helps to have some different takes on the situation. And no, Coolgran65, your suggestions aren't at all inappropriate and I appreciate them. My son is very like me (too sensitive perhaps!) and we work together well. I've no doubt that he would give me emotional support but I really don't want to put him in an awkward position re his father as that would be unfair.

Tegan - I did in fact have an affair several years ago when my children had gone to university. I know I wouldn't have done this if my situation had been different and eventually ended it when I felt, if found out, it could have damaged my relationship with my children. Other than that, as there was no one else involved, I don't regret the affair for a minute. Although I didn't see a future with this man (he had a rather complicated life), he was a lovely person who boosted my confidence no end!

You have my sympathy cangran, a wedding anniversary always brings home to people how things could have been with the right person.I am happy with my own marriage so can't offer any advice, your life sounds fairly happy apart from your husband, but in the same situation as you, I would want to leave and have my own little house.This all comes down to finance though, and only you know if this course of action is the one for you.

I did leave my very unhappy marriage but was only 46, and it was a good thing to do for me and my son.

I am so sorry you are in this sad situation.
Could you manage if you did decide to leave? And would your son provide emotional support.
On the other hand, if you can live your own life within your home, would you be open to mixed friendships, or a platonic mixed friendship.

Please excuse me if I've mentioned what you consider inappropriate.

I did divorce my husband 15 years ago after he had an affair [and the marriage wasn't a happy one by then]. Still not sure if it was the right thing to do. There was a chance to get back together a few years ago but I decided that the problems we'd had before hadn't gone away and we're both now with people that we share more interests with [he's currently riding a motor bike round Spain with his partner; the S.O. and I are watching the French Open together]. The grass is always greener, cangran, and I always say to people in a similar situation that it's nice to think about freedom from a less than happy marriage but financial insecurity as one gets older is not easy to live with. I'll just be totally honest now and admit that I actually regret not having had affairs myself when I was young and attractive enough to do so....but then again I wouldn't have done that to my kids and also wouldn't have wanted to make a fool of him [he was never unfaithful until he met the woman that destroyed our marriage, who eventually had an affair with her husband and went back to him!].I guess a lot of us are at an age where we're thinking back over our lives and wondering 'what might have been'. Divorce also causes no end of problems family wise as people don't want to take sides but they do and I am now the one that is estranged from a lot of people that I regarded as my family.

What a sad situation for you to be in , and I can understand why you are feeling fed up. I do not think it is uncommon for marriages to become a bit pedestrian after so many years, but there does need to be friendship and respect to make it worth hanging on to. The fact that he has had affairs and seems not to grasp the implications for you is not a great sign.

There are grans on here who have taken the plunge and started a new life at all sort of ages. It is a very positive factor that your son is there and good company - and it does sound as though you have built a good life with a business and lots of friends and interests.

I guess the crux of the matter is do you want to rock the boat and branch out into the unknown? Is what you have sufficiently unsatisfactory to warrant the risk? Only you can decide this and I wish you well with this challenge.

You are not whinging. You are so not whinging.
He has had affairs. Totally unacceptable behaviour from him.

I have not been in your situation, so will leave others who know more than me,to help you.
Best wishes