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Dont know how much more is expected of me

(29 Posts)
Sugarpufffairy Thu 04-Jun-15 02:23:46

As opposed to the post by Nellybu I am on the other end of scale. I have a DD who has a partner and child. The DD works but the partner does not. The child is at school. I never go to the house without an invitation. If I am asked to babysit I usually manage to do so. If I am asked to help with other household stuff I do my best.
Recently I wanted some help to carry out some heavier stuff to the street to be picked up by the binmen. That is the arrangement, if it is out on the street the binmen will take it away. Anyway I asked for this help from DD
The partner is a difficult person and is also a drug user. He is very manipulative and is constantly texting DD. She claims that she is fed up of it and had thrown him out and he is staying in a homeless hostel. Any time I have been at the house in the last couple of weeks he has been there.
I had to wait 3 weeks as she was helping her partners sister to move house. This girl has mum, dad, sister, 2 brothers, two late teen boy cousins, a boyfriend and the boyfriends family.
A week ago I was asked to babysit and although I had plans I cancelled that and went to babysit. This was so that DD could work. The partner was apparently in the hostel and cant stay out late.
This weekend I was over at DD house hanging wallpaper. The partner was there. He sat while I hung paper and was up and down ladders. He moaned about the quality of the paperhanging. I am not a qualified painter and decorator! I was there two days running. All the time I was there this man did nothing. When I mentioned it to DD she said she did not want him to do anything. He never once offerred in my presence.
Then on Monday I asked DD if she was free to give a hand at my house. She came over drank some tea then announced that she needed to borrow money apparently for DGC club fees and for petrol. I said that we would get her petrol after we got the items out. Then she announced that she could not help me and left.
During the time she was here he text several times. I realise that I was stupid to given her money. I have been unfuriated by this partner's abuse of me. I have not liked the way he has treated other members of our wider family. He was caught telling lies to my DD about what my EXH said at Christmas. I know he is a maniputive waste of space who needs his backside well and truly kicked into touch.
He blames his mother's drug taking for the way he is but he is going to turn my DGC out the same as him if he does not square up now.
My DD is the one most involved here but I also feel totally abused by him and his conduct. He is not liked. It is not my age, people my DD's age have also commented on his conduct. I am angry that I am expected not to say anything which would upset him or his sister but they are allowed to do and say anything no matter how it affects me.
I dont think this is right. I have put my foot in it by saying now that I will not part with any more money. I expect to be ignored now. I may have put my DD at further risk from this partner. I want my DD and DGC out of there but apparently I do not have the right. I am just expected to have my blood pressure put through the roof by someone I would not normally have in my life.
Interferrance goes more ways than we realise. I really can not stand this partner and I do not wish him near me but no doubt he will keep my daughter away from me. He forces her into all sorts with his manipulations and he does not like it when he got full barrels from a male in the family. There is no longer any communication between those sections of the family. My DD needs to get herself and her child out of that bxyz grip..

soontobe Thu 04-Jun-15 07:54:34

I presume your DD says that she loves her partner?

thatbags Thu 04-Jun-15 08:28:22

Do you have friends or neighbours whom you could ask to help with the stuff you want picked up?

Mishap Thu 04-Jun-15 10:26:23

Gosh - so much to contend with.

It is worth contacting the council about the rubbish - out here you can make an arrangement with them to come up the drive and get the bag/bin if you are incapable of doing so - I believe that they are obliged to do that.

Sugarpufffairy Thu 04-Jun-15 10:58:17

I think my DD is getting fed up with the partner. She loved him in the past but he is irritating her now with his drugs and depressive ways. I have no emotional involvement with the partner all I see is him taking my DD for a ride and now trying to have me do work while he sits and probably at the back of the demand for money. Her friend told me he demands money from my daughter.

The things I want to dispose of are at a top floor flat and not a house with a drive but I will have the same carry on when I throw things out at the house. I asked a neighbour who said OK but has done nothing since. I will phone the council and ask if they can help.

Thank you for you comments


Stansgran Thu 04-Jun-15 11:10:58

Surely you're better off paying someone to help you move the stuff than giving your daughter which may or may not help her partner to get drugs. There is something called trust in blue which has retired police men who will help with jobs in my area. I know people feel family should help out (I have a friend whose son flies here to help with light bulbs rather than do as I do and pay the electrician who pops in on his way from work)

Stansgran Thu 04-Jun-15 11:11:56

elena Thu 04-Jun-15 11:24:09

Gosh, the partner sounds awful.

It may be that your dd did not want him to help with the wallpapering, so as not to feel obliged and grateful to him - not that this means you should have done it alone with his criticism.

I agree about finding different ways to get your stuff down.

Massively lowering your expectations will help, I think - at the moment, for whatever reason, your DD is not in a position to help you with much.

Continuing to help and support her (not with money) but without moving mountains or cancelling your arrangements is a good way of staying in supportive touch, without building up resentment.

Sugarpufffairy Thu 04-Jun-15 11:31:25

Stansgran - thank you for that information about trust in blue. I gave them a call but unfortunately they do not cover Scotland. They may do in the future but not at the moment.

elena Thu 04-Jun-15 11:55:07

Sugarpuff, have you got AgeUK or equivalent in Scotland? Here they have a scheme whereby trusted people help with household stuff, repairs and so on, and I would think hefting stuff downstairs would be part of that. I think you probably have to be of a certain age to qualify for this help, which AFAIK is free - though I expect they would welcome donations.

loopylou Thu 04-Jun-15 12:52:19

Or consider contacting a 'Man with a Van'?
That's what I did for aged parents because then he took it off to the tip as well - it was a M with a V + his mate.

Sugarpufffairy Thu 04-Jun-15 22:11:41

Thank you so much everyone. One of the neighbours at the flat and I got the biggish things down stairs today. There was a fridge and a freezer both undercounter size. As they were broken it did not matter that we sort of slid them down the stairs. This neighbour, a female, is about 20 years younger than me and something like I was at that age. Game for anything including heaving things about rather than waiting. When I want to move other things I think it will be a good idea to get hold of the Man + Van. There are a few round here. There is an Age Scotland here and also a local Older People's Welfare office. I am in receipt of Disability (PIP) and I also have State Pension so I am really an old on paper!
The partner is a total nightmare. He is so demanding and manipulative that he has angered so many people. There are 2 DGC who are both the same age (about 3 months apart). When they were 3 my DC decided to have a holiday together as the kids were both only kids at that time. The partner ruined that holiday for everyone on the day that I drove over to visit them on their holiday for a few hours. He is a nasty person but she is still accepting his poor soul stories where as the rest of us are angry and not at all sympathetic to the partner. DD needs to see what we see of him. Maybe she does not want to feel any gratitude to him if he was to help with the papering, maybe he cant paper, all I know is he is an irritation. She should not allow him to sit around the house and she should not allow him to irritate her family and friends and not expect us to take offence with him. We are disgusted with him I just hope she can see him for what he is
Thanks a lot everyone you have put forward idea I had not thought of.

rosesarered Tue 09-Jun-15 16:21:04

No wonder you are disgusted with this man SPF, is your DGS his son?If not, what a shame your DD doesn't give him the heave-ho he deserves.Any man who sits around all day while the woman works and supports him is a waste of space.He won't improve by being given money and will spend it on drugs.

FlicketyB Tue 09-Jun-15 19:24:58

sugarpufffairy You are having a rotten time and it must be deeply distressing but if your DD and partner are both treating you badly, why on earth are you doing going round and doing decorating for them, still more ununderstandable why did you stay when your DD's partner started criticising the quality of your work? You should have downed tools and walked out.

However unhappy you are about your daughter and her partner, and given what you say, this is understandable, the cold unpalatable fact is that your daughter is an independent adult, as you are, and making her own choices and decisions about how she wants to live, however awful those decisions may be and however unhappy they make you.

I think you need to distance yourself physically and mentally from this household, physically by not going round and looking after the home, whether decorating or cooking and cleaning. Mentally, by telling them that you need several days notice before babysitting and when the babysitting request coincides with an arrangement you have made, tell them you cannot baby sit then because you will be elsewhere and then ignore the pleadings and attempts at emotional blackmail to get you to give way.

Currently by getting so emotional tangled up with them and giving so much practical help you are actually supporting the household and enabling it to keep functioning.

Stand back, leave your daughter to sort out her own problems. Once she knows you are not going to come running whenever she wants you, you may end up with the result you want.

Sugarpufffairy Tue 09-Jun-15 20:55:42

Rosesarered - my DGS is the son of the partner. He has been manipulating her since she was at school. I am so glad to find someone who agrees with me that it is not on for him to sit around all day while DD is out working. I am also disgusted that he sat while I was up ladders. I dont like being on ladders
FlicketyB - you made me laugh. You must think I am polite! I would have loved to shove the tools where the sun dont shine! I only kept on going because my DD would go mad if I told that daft dumpling how I really feel about him. She is most concerned to keep me from letting rip at him. He tried to intimidate me before but I am not that worried about his chatter. If I dont do as I am told my DD and DGS disappear from my life.
I wont be parting with money again. I wont be changing my arrangements if asked to babysit. I think DD is disappointed that I am not supporting her in her troubles. I have kept my mouth shut for such a long time and what I really want to do is give the partner as much as he gives out
I am at a point of making big decisions. I should downsize and search for some happiness. I am not happy where I live. I had really wanted to stay within reasonable distance of DD but not if this is the way of life here. It may be better for DD and DGS if I am somewhere further away should they ever decide to leave. It is so hard as DD is all I have left in the way of family now. Everyone else is dead or overseas.
Thank you all so very much for all the helpful and well considered comments.

FlicketyB Tue 09-Jun-15 22:27:47

sugarpufffairy you misunderstood me, I wasn't suggesting you told your DD's partner what you felt, simply that you put the tools, wallpaper and paste down and walked out.

I think you are being very brave in this horrendous situation, particularly as your DD and DGS are all the family you have but I think you are right to put a greater distance between you and your DD.

Sugarpufffairy Wed 10-Jun-15 01:40:59

FlicketyB - I get it now you are the polite one. I am constantly having to behave when really I want to be really awful.
I just hope that I am brave and strong enough to take myself away from all of this. I was having palpitations the other day. It scared me but it scares me to stay and risk more blood pressure through the roof.
I will try to find a new house for me in the type of place I want and see what happens.
Thanks for you kind words.

FlicketyB Wed 10-Jun-15 11:00:58

I have often found that turning on my heel and walking out of sticky situations is very effective. Its not politeness, it is just low cunning. Nothing irritates someone hoping for a row than having the other person walk away in silence.

Iam64 Thu 11-Jun-15 08:21:55

FlicketyB, walking away also makes sure we don't lose our own tempers in the face of those who do smile

AshTree Thu 11-Jun-15 10:29:10

Yes, I'm with you both, FlicketyB and Iam64. Walking away is a good tactic and surprisingly therapeutic. You have a sense of having taken the moral high ground and it is so good to know that your antagonist doesn't have the satisfaction of goading you to a response.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 11-Jun-15 14:45:48

But I guess the situation is still there when you have to walk back again.

I think all is completely lost for sugarpuffairy simply because she hadn't enough self respect to stand up for herself.

granjura Thu 11-Jun-15 17:43:32

Not an easy situation- but I think you have to take a step, or a few even, back.

For instance, how did you come to be wall paper hanging at your DD. Dis she ask? Or did you volunteer, and why? Always so difficult to consider any situation from a site like this.

At the end of the day, your daughter is the only one who can come to the conclusion she needs to get out. And would you have here and her child back to live with you, not lifting a finger and 'sponging' on you both for childcare, food and board and money?

I really do feel for you (and been there with DD2... this is so hard- fortunately whe came to her senses, and despite losing many feathers and plenty of ours in the process- all is fine now- pheeew).

Iam64 Thu 11-Jun-15 17:55:38

You're right of course jingle, that the situation is still there but in some cases we either don't have to walk back in again, or we walk in feeling less vulnerable than we did at the walking out point. A bit of emotional distance is sometimes needed in these truly horrible family situations. I don't mean being a cold hearted reject nick but everyone has rights, including those of us on the receiving end of unacceptable behaviour. A bit of space can give us the time to re-consider our behaviour. We can't change others (mantra time) but we can change our own response. I feel for you sugerpuff, so many of us have 'been there' -

Sugarpufffairy Thu 11-Jun-15 20:44:36

I have been hanging wallpaper and painting for 35+ years. DD is trying to make her house nice. She never hung wallpaper before and she asked if I would show her. She could see that physically I am not leaping and bounding. She did act as assistant.
I knew things were a bit shakey with the two of them. He had been put out a few times lately but he still keeps sitting in the house. She is daft to allow that. I did offer to change the lock on her door to keep him out but she refused. I have repeatedly offered for her to come over to my house or even to go to the flat that I am preparing for sale or rent so she does not have to be under mum's thumb but paying the costs of the flat (not the full rent) just the gas electricity council tax and the low mortgage (£65 a month). Madam does not want a top flat! She wants the semi detached I am in.
Little does she know that I would have court orders with power of arrest against her partner and I would have all the neighbours watching with my phone number to hand.
I did all this for other daughter (same flat) and she was told her partner was not to come near. She used my flat as a bail address for her partner. I had folks watching then too but no court order. She was thrown out.
I would still do all I could for my DDs. Even if all of them and kids had to be shoved in the flat but I would be a lot harder and I am NOT providing a home for any man!
I think that is half the problem. I have been on the receiving end of physical and financial abuse in my relationships and I learned the hard way. The SILs were a bit shocked when they found out I was quite hard in life now. I will do all sorts for anyone until they cross me and then I shut down.
I am staying clear. I told her I was not happy that she came over would not help me then asked for money and has not been seen since. She may be under stress but she would only have to say she needed the flat and she would get it. She is tied by the DGS and her not wanting the lad to know his dad is out the house. She does not want her child in a place where drugs are the norm but she is keeping a druggie in the house! Crazy but that is her choice.
I am out most days. I go where I want. I miss her but I am less stressed already. I hope she is safe. I need to find MY life. ( not shouting just emphasising)

loopylou Thu 11-Jun-15 21:16:33

So very difficult for you SPF, I really don't know what to say other than stay strong, x