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Daughter and baby

(9 Posts)
Deny Fri 05-Jun-15 12:46:38

Hi, my daughter has just split up with her boyfriend. They planned their baby and future together. Baby was born, then boyfriend decided he didn't want to be with my daughter but loves the baby. Daughter is heartbroken, as she thought all would be great with a future together, marriage, etc.

It really hurts to see my daughter 'hurting'. I just don't know what to say to her. I want to make it all better............
What to do???

ninathenana Fri 05-Jun-15 13:45:42

We always want to make the hurt better whether they're 5 or 25 don't we.

The only thing you can do is 'be there' as a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen whilst bitting your tongue over his actions and a nannie to help with baby. When we're feeling low caring for a baby can be hard, although, sometimes it can help.

I think you need to be led by what DD says she needs from you. Just tell her that your there for her.

vampirequeen Fri 05-Jun-15 14:04:39

I agree with ninathenana. You can't take her pain away. She needs to grieve for what might of been. Just be there for her. Let her cry when she needs to, be angry about ex, laugh with her when it gets easier. Remember grief is a circular route. She may start to feel better then become upset again.

It's going to be very difficult whilst emotions are running so high but she needs to get the legal stuff sorted. Amicable agreements can be very nice but they can also break down over a period of time. She needs to sort out custody, access and money (making sure that she gets it paid up to age of 21 to cover time at university). I know this is cynical but she needs to sort it now whilst he's still feeling guilty (this advice was given to my sister by a family solicitor).

HildaW Fri 05-Jun-15 18:47:32

That was me 30 years ago.

You cannot take away the pain, I know you want to, but you will still have a huge part to play.
Listen and be the non-judgemental sounding board your daughter will need. You can make practical suggestions - getting information as to rights and finances but you then just deliver it to her if she asks.

In my case I got over it all quite quickly as life intervened and sort of got me back on my tracks. Job to go back to, divorce to sort out etc etc. The practical stuff really helped. I can remember decorating the kitchen to stop me doing loads of 'what-ifs'. My dear old Grandma at the time just smiled and said....'she's young enough to find someone else'...and I did....someone so much better.

Let her cry, grieve and then support her to make practical decisions. She will have to re-invent herself (not be the person she thought she was) but someone stronger and wiser.

Anya Fri 05-Jun-15 19:39:59

People break up all the time.

It's nothing new, sad though it is your daughter will just have to get over it, with your support. Pity the baby is caught in the middle as it were and I hope the adults involved will put baby's best interests first.

Mishap Fri 05-Jun-15 20:13:07

Your DD will get over it, even though it does not seem so when all is so raw. It is good she has you to lean on.

Judthepud2 Sat 06-Jun-15 00:20:08

Deny been there and found it so difficult. DD's husband decided to leave her when she was 6 months pregnant. Changed his phone number and everything. She was devastated and suicidal. It was a terrible time. What should have been a happy time became a nightmare. It was so hard to see DD in such distress and I found it impossible to stay calm and detached. I was so angry with him. I spent a lot of time just trying to listen to DDs distress and not getting sucked in but it took its toll! Ended up with me going to a counsellor just offloading my own grief and anger.

I found doing practical things like housework and childcare helped us both cope. And DD had a lot of support from good friends and neighbours.

But what I did learn is that we can't kiss the hurt and make it all better like when they were little. Adult children's lives are no longer under our control. But is is so hard to watch them suffer, isn't it?

Just be there to listen to her pain. flowers

soontobe Sat 06-Jun-15 18:47:14

They can have broken hearts for years. And compare other future boyfriends, and feel that the new men just dont match up. If the man is the dad, that is an added burden for her.
Obviously, that doesnt happen like that for everyone, but it is a big deal that may not totally heal.
No, we cant make it all better. Just help with the process.

Deny Sun 07-Jun-15 12:35:07

Hello and thank you for everyone's response and views............
I will try to take all on-board.

Judthepud2 - very close to my feelings indeed!!!