Feeling sad

Hi sillyoldbird you can do no more for your DD than be there for her. So many posters have said so many times in so many different situations keep what you think to yourself and just listen. If it does happen you will be the constant in the GC's life. This is from my personal experience. You will be sad, your own life has taken an unexpected turn and you must cope, but your feelings take second place I'm afraid.

Wise words annsixty
Our family experienced this 12 mths ago. The boys 5 and 3 at the time coped very well. DD is now very happy with the new partner she deserves.

I think ann has said it all here but I do agree its time to listen and keep your worries to share with a friend not your daughter. Best wishes

Think about what your daughter is putting up with. If this man's behaviour jealousy suspicion and drinking is now a problem, I suggest that she and the kids will be happier being out of this immediate situation.

If appropriate and safe for them they can continue to have a relationship with their father.

I am a bit biased. My sister was living in a difficult relationship for years but my parents, mum in particular, was always worried about the shame of a divorce getting into the papers!! As if, but that was my Mum!

How distressing for you; but it does sound as though he has had his problems for a long time, and your DD may be making a good decision. I do think, as others, that your role is just to be there and not to judge either party. I have seen situations where the parents took sides and then the couple got back together - very difficult.

Keep the door open for her to talk this through with you. Offer any practical help you can but keep advice to the bare minimum, unless you think her in danger.

Your daughter sounds like an intelligent and competent woman, well able to make the best decision for herself and her family. She obviously has given this decision a great deal of thought. She has 'a long row to hoe' and will need all your love and support which is all you can do for her. Good luck to her and you.

It's difficult not to take sides but as Luckygirl says, it will lead to a tricky situation if they get back together. Things will have been said that can't be unsaid.

Your daughter will appreciate a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on but when we were going through a similar situation with DD1 we didn't take sides until it was an absolute cast iron certainty that the marriage was over.

Good luck.

We have never taken sides and we have been through this twice. Mind you the first time my tongue was nearly chewed away by keeping it firmly in check but years later I am on very good terms with my exDiL and my DD's marriage is not at divorce stage yet although that will come. My still SlL is a good man and we are very fond of him. That is sad for us as we miss him. He lives in Kent so unlikely to see him now but he texts and sends cards and his parents sent my DD a card and cheque for her birthday last Friday.

Thanks everyone. I know she s making the right decision - although she has softened a little and has just told me they are to live together 'as friends' for a while. Lord knows how that will work.

She and the children are not in any danger from him physically i dont think. The abuse is verbal and emotional, which is of course bad enough, but I think he adores her and the children. It's his temper when he has been drinking in the evenings that is the main problem. He's actually a good dad to the children and they don't usually witness any behaviour.

Despite his problems I'm very fond of him and wish he'd been able to deal with his problems which stem from events in hs childhood. But my daughter and the children are my concern.

I will heed the advice about no taking sides and will be there to support her all the way.

Sillyoldbird, this is rotten for you but you seem to be a lot calmer about it now.

I'm not sure that you shouldn't take sides. I think you should not offer advice but you should definitely be on your daughter's side. Our youngest daughter has been through a similar thing and was very demoralised by her husband [known round here as The Idiot] so we always maintained that she was not to blame. We told her that she might not have been perfect but the husband was largely to blame and I think she is coming to beleive that now - at long last.

You are probably in for a bumpy ride and your daughter will need to know that you are there for her. Talk to us on GN if you need to get things off your chest - we have lots of experience!

I don't know about feeling calm kittyLester but I do feel quite sick. It's just a bit of a shock. I knew things weren't perfect but not realised the extent.

I hope I haven't made him out to be a monster. That sounds odd when I have already said he is abusive but it's not how I see him somehow.

My DD has 'grown' through their relationship and my SiL hasn't. I think he knows she is more confident and blossoming and has tried to hold her back. For her it's like having three children, not two. He has promised to change several times and I just don't think he has the strength or willpower.

It's all very sad as find mentally he is a good man. But she deserves better treatment.

That should say fundementally

My DD has certainly blossomed and come out of her shell since separation and her soon to be ex has actually told her how proud he is of her with the way she has coped ,with work and the children since then. But as I said he is a nice man.

Annsixty your comments have made me see that things will get better in time. I know that really but it's hard to see when you're still reeling.

Thanks to everyone for your kind, wise words. I'm a real worrier and it's helped bring me back down a little x

Your daughter needs to know you will support her in any decision she makes. If that's being 'on her side' then I agree. It's not the same as giving advice or voicing your opinion.

Hope it works out x

I agree Anya. There are always two sides in any story. Ive no doubt she has made misakes too but that's not the issue. I'm not there to judge either if them.

I feel for him, but I will always support her even if I disagree with her decision - and I don't.

But it's just so painful

Well, the saga goes on and I'm so stressed I thought I'd write my thoughts down. Comments welcome, but just off-loading really.

Last time I wrote, DD and her husband had decided to try to live together as friends to see how things went. This didn't last more than a few days as she found it unbearable. She was on the point of telling him to leave when he found evidence she had a 'fling' which ended some months ago.

It's understandable that he would be badly affected by this but I couldn't have anticipated the extreme reaction that he actually did have. Using various forms of social media and his mobile phone, he and his family (who he rarely sees) proceeded to threaten, abuse and humiliate her and members of our family as much as they possibly could. There was some damage to their home and although no actual physical violence, other things happened which were equally upsetting.

My DD and the children have stayed with us for a few days but his behaviour and their distress (despite precautions, it was impossible to cover up what ws happening as as he wouldn't stop harrassing her) caused the the whole thing to be completely traumatic for all involved.

Eventually, as we were on the point of invovling the police, he calmed down, blamed the shock, drink, her indiscretion and anyone/thing else he could think of and gave a half-hearted apology and committment to keep things sensible for the sake of the children.

As he remained calm for a couple of days and they talked rationally over this time, she decided to go back home and they are again trying to live as friends until they can sort out the practicalites. The children were very upset about them being apart and not being at home and for financial reasons, they don't have any real alternatives at this point, but plan to live apart as soon as they can sort things out.

I sort of believe that he will put the children first and behave himself, but admit to feeling quite anxious about it all. I'm already a worrier but am consolling myself with the thought that this would make anyone anxious and actually we have all coped really well with these events that were out of our control.

The way I feel at he moment, it's hard to imagine anyone has gone through something similar, but if anyone has and feels like sharing their experience, it might just help to keep me sane. One of the worse feelings is to feel slightly ashamed (heaven knows why, it's not my fault) and as though we're the only ones this has happend to. Obviously not the case, but.........

No, definitely not the case! And, my blood boils to hear all this as it brings back all the dreadful stuff the Idiot put DD3 through. He still tries but she is much stronger. We reported him to FB but they said they could do nothing. DD wouldn't entertain calling the police as she was so embarrassed about the stuff he put on FB and the comments his idiotic friends were putting on. He then apologised and said that it was because he was so distressed by the situation. A fortnight later he did it all again.

There was no physical abuse but the mental abuse he put her though was awful and he still pulls the odd stunt. His last resort is to not see the children.

I too was embarrassed by all the rubbish that he was saying but the important thing is to support your daughter and be strong for her. Try to get her to involve the police if it happens again and take screen shots of stuff put on FB because he could delete them (after they have done the damage). Luckily we did because the Idiot took the messages off very quickly when we threatened the police. Unfortunately, DD was too scared to follow through.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. DD is with a lovely caring man who is prepared to stand behind her when she confronts the Idiot, if necessary.

Keep talking to us.

Thanks Kittylester, it does help to know others understandand that there will be an end to it all. It must have been very upsetting for you all and I'm glad things are better for you all now

The situation here has improved in that he has apologised for his behaviour and he and I have spoken. He assures me it will never happen again and I have accepted his apology and tried to offer him some words of support. Despite all this, I know he's devastated by the split and I do believe he really cares about them all. He was just out of control and its due to the drink - which is no excuse but at least he is sober now and seemingly rational. I don't think it will serve any purpose to remain in conflict with him.

There is a very uneasy truce at their home, things are very strained and I wonder how long they can sustain living 'as friends' until they sort out the practicalities. I have found details of a free relationship counselling service which might help them manage the separation. In the meantime, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed the DGCs are safe and happy.

My daughter told DH and myself last year that her marriage was over. She asked our advice re solicitors etc. We were devastated for our daughter and our granddaughter. We like our son-in-law, although he has given DD some problems. I asked her if there was any way back, she said there wasn't. It didn't happen, they are still together and seem OK (ish).