DD2's anxiety over new relationships

Jane thanks for your apology

Roses that's exactly what I've done - treat him as anew friend, no more, no less.

Lucky she has been trying to 'get herself in a better place' throughout her 20s and has at least got some stability where her work is concerned and is now talking about moving into a house share so I do feel that she has moved on well recently.

A new relationship is the next step and she HAS considered his feelings ie believes that he isn't interested enough in her even though he's agreed to a second meeting. She doesn't want to text him again because she thinks she will appear pushy (men like to do the chasing etc). I can't seem to persuade her that the right thing to do would be to text him with the time and place as agreed so she is waiting for him to text and ask her if their meeting on Tuesday is still on.

Nellie you are absolutely right - she does have a full blown anxiety disorder diagnosed 4 years ago

Anya Some people with a a full blown anxiety disorder can be anxious about everything. It's part of a number of mental health issues. I have a friend with a son like this.
This is a state up from just being anxious.

If she is like this before she has even replied to him then I don't think this relationship will even begin. How would she feel if someone didn't respond to her. She needs to get herself in a better place and realized that going out with someone is a two way thing and you need to consider their feelings as well as your own.

Lucy, sounds as if she has low self esteem issues, like a lot of women.I would reassure her and say not to look for a long relationship at the start, just see how things go.

What exactly is she anxious about?

I think that often you do have an instinct from the first time you meet someone - either sex - whether you will get on with them or not. I have in the past thought maybe my initial feelings were wrong and perhaps the person is OK - but in almost every case I have later found that my initial instincts were right.
When I was on my own and met new people I knew straight away if it were a man who could become special whether or not it would work for me - if your daughter has this initial response lucy then it may make her more worried. I agree that she should suggest a time and place to meet - somewhere she is comfortable with - I hope that you somehow get her to recognise she has some worth and this is a person who has seen this side of her. It maybe tha he will become just a buddy for some things she likes to do - my DD had a cinema buddy when she was on her own and they both enjoyed that and just chatting. I had one who I used to go dancing with - he took me on the back of his motorbike - neither of us wearing helmets back in those days!
It is natural you will worry but try not to!!

Lucy Sorry I didn't see your post of 12.02 when I posted mine. Reading it back it sounds a bit unsympathetic, but I didn't mean to be.

It's hard to strike the right balance with people who are anxious I think, if you try a brisk common-sense approach you can be accused of not understanding or caring, but if you are overly sympathetic with what the person is feeling anxious about, there's a risk of re-inforcing the person's anxiety and enabling their behaviour, possibly.
Agree with Anya about DD focussing on other people rather than her own anxiety.

Tanith that's exactly what I said to her yesterday - just treat him as you would any new friend, no more no less, which I think she will go with, hopefully. And I have suggested that he might also be nervous too but she wasn't so sure about that scenario, Anya.

Very, very good advice to trying putting herself in his shoes. It's an excellent technique to help with anxiety issues anyway. It shifts the focus from 'me' to 'other people'.

Hard to do I know but you both need to step back from this being a relationship and just treat it as two friends meeting up , after all the best marriages and relationships grow from good friendships, try and get her to just treat as 'friends' for now and see what comes of it.

As she has found in the past from what you say, too much too soon scares people off why not just enjoy being friends?

Thank you Nellie for your understanding and . I have suggested she try to tackle this with her therapist but so far nothing seems to have helped her gain any self confidence where relationships are concerned.

Jane yes she does need to gain perspective but that is precisely how her mental ill health disrupts any sense of balance as you and I understand it. If it was a zumba class and they just went out for coffee I'd be inclined to agree with you but they met at a party and obv clicked as he spent all evening talking to her which seems to be to be more than just an ordinary friendship. Do guys chat girls up at parties just to be 'friends' with them? I doubt it. Certainly not in my day

Poor lass. If she is so hide bound by her anxiety and self doubt and from what Lucy has said, this is particularly extreme, I think she is going to find it very hard indeed to trust that anyone might like her or want to be with her.

It seems to me that some really professional anxiety management support is needed, which is probably well beyond what sort of advice and reassurance most of us GN'rs can give.

Lucyinthesky This is obviously very distressing for both of you.

She met him for the first time a week ago and has seen him once since....isn't it a bit premature to be worrying about how serious the relationship is?
Can you have a relationship with someone you've only met twice? Perhaps I am out of touch and people don't bother getting to know each other any more.
If you met someone at a zumba class say, and then went out for coffee with them, would you be worrying about whether they were going to be a close friend or not? I think your daughter needs to get a sense of perspective!

Jane He apparently spent most of their first 'date' talking about himself and not asking her much and I said he was probably just as nervous even if he didn't appear to be so.

I think you are right and that she should give him details of when and where at least on this second occasion.

Trouble is I find it hard to work our how the dating game is played in the 21st century!

Luckygirl You're right we never stop worrying about them!

In DD2s case this anxiety spreads over into her whole life and the problem is that it has already destroyed burgeoning and long term relationships. As soon as a new man senses any neediness (and she is needy - that is part of her mental ill health) they are off like a shot of course.

She basically wants me to tell her everything will be fine (even though I can't see into the future!)

Elegran - I think she wants to leave it to him as she has done all the running so far. It's difficult to gauge from what she has told me exactly how keen he is tbh although I have reassured her up to a point by reminding her that if he didn't want to see her again he would have made an excuse like' I'm not free ext week' etc.

Perhaps she should try putting herself in his shoes.

If I arranged to meet someone and texted them and said 'let me know where and when' and they didn't reply, I would assume they didn't actually want to meet after all. I certainly wouldn't text them again!

Your DD needs to learn to work out who she can trust and who she can't. The young man doesn't appear to have given her any grounds to think he can't be trusted.

I think that most people of whatever age are anxious at the start of a new relationship - so many unknowns, and so much at stake.

It sounds as though she is testing him out to try and find out how serious he is - making him repeat his message rather than just replying to it. She has been let down in the past and is treading warily, which is understandable; but not very productive in this situation.

It must be hard for you, needing to stand back and let her make her own decisions, but being asked for advice. If she is asking then it would not be unreasonable to suggest she replies to the message, but in the end she is on her own and has to manage this potential new relationship in her own way.

Do we ever stop worrying about them?

You say "They have arranged to meet on Tuesday and he texted her to say 'let me know where and when' " so if I were you I would keep saying to her that HE is asking for confirmation from her and details of where and when, so she doesn't need any more confirmation from him - he sounds as though he is all for meeting her, anywhere, anytime on Tuesday. That sounds pretty keen to me.

Perhaps she would be comforted by thinking that he may be as diffident as her, and that he would like her to decide the time and place for him?