Toxic people

So sorry Anya. Glad that your son and daughter were there.

I had a phone call at 10.30 tonight to tell me my estranged sister died. We has heard she was unlikely to last the weekend, but hadn't expected the end to come so suddenly. My son and daughter made contact with her a fortnight ago so they were with her at the end. She wasn't alone and for this I am glad.

No flowers please. I'm updating this just so those who were kind enough to offer support, advice and understanding will know the final outcome, and to say thank you all.

You have done your best Anya, try again and leave it. My heart goes out to those lost souls who end up all alone at the end of their lives. I try to keep love in my heart if others don't, my way would be let her know you are thinking of her and would see her if she wanted to, which she probably wont but you cannot make anyone change especially after a lifetime of her doing her own thing. A tragic waste. Keep positive and glad you have people that care for you.

Anya - you sound like a very caring and perceptive person and you have helped me to consider my own position in your comments on my posts. I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Family rifts are so difficult and I cannot offer any advice. I am sure you will do what is best and can only send hugs and support .

Then welcome tina

I was just hoping it didn't come across that I haven't already done everything I could possibly have done. I have said a hundredth of the pain and heartbreak this woman has put us all through and how in the end we've had to retreat, all of us, so preserve our own sanity.

My last sentence had a typo. It ought to have read 'is that how it seems?' and I was just hoping it didn't sound as if we had given up easily.

Thank you for trying to offer support tina

First post I have put on gn & was trying to offer some support Anya it never entered my head that you haven't done all you could over last 30 years.Just thought that POGS suggesting you using SW as an intermediary would be easier for you but obviously you must do whatever is best for you hope things work out for you

I do wish people would read all the posts before giving their advice...

tina you seem to be saying that I have not done all I could over the last 30+ years. Is that his is seems?

Lindsayjane - what a truly impossible situation for you to be in - how sad it must make you feel.

I think you have done so well to keep on good terms with both girls - you must have to tread on eggshells. Being there for both of them would seem the only way.

I am sorry you are having to deal with all this, and with J's ill health. One of my DDs had a severe ante-natal depression and she became a totally different person during this dreadful period; and the worst thing was that there seemed to be nothing we could do to help - that was an awful feeling.

Really sorry to hear of your sad situation with your sister, think POG'S idea sounds good,then at least you know you have done all you could

Nothing hurts quite as much as family rifts.

Lindsayjane What a sad situation for you all

I think that, when we lose someone or are in the process of losing them we get a sort of total recall about the past and things that happened that we'd all but forgotten. From what you've said about your sister Anya, I think you 'lost' her a long time ago and her illness is reigniting a lot of the pain. Gosh; there is so much pain in some of these posts .

Anya x

So much understanding, so many in the same boat

Dear Anya

My heart bleeds for you as you are in the same position as my younger daughter (S) is with her older sister (J). I, as Mum, am stuck in the middle and, after relentless searching, have not found an answer.

Their personalities are at opposite ends of the spectrum and, as such, cannot understand the others take. S has healthy life, partner, children, home, job etc whilst J descended into a miserable life of anxiety, depression, mania, drugs and drink. Awfully unhappy and inappropriate relationships which made her family recoil in shock. We have watched with mounting horror as she lurches from one disaster to another and S finally said she could not cope emotionally with anymore and cut all ties. She has young children to protect and I understand completely but at the same time my heart is in shreds at the sight of my two darling girls at war with each other.

All I can do is pray for a miracle. They must find there own ways forward while I continue to support them both in different ways. I know S feels terribly guilty about her decision and I know J misses her sister terribly but can't seem to pull herself up out of the pit of despair where she lives.

I think, what I am trying to say Anya, is that some people end up lonely and alone almost without realising they have brought it on themselves. Then they get angry and feel like horrible failures but their egos will not let them say sorry or ask for help. I think they are week as it takes huge strength of character to admit wrong doing. Four months ago J took an overdose and the family were called to the intensive care dept. S came too shaking with fear and guilt. J survived and was pleased that S was at the bedside but 4 months on J has reverted back to type and S is just completely bewildered and doesn't know what to do.

Sorry to ramble but I am piggy in the middle and worn out with it. Thank God for my two adorable innocent little grandchildren.

Sorry, I had missed your post about sending the message via family.

Have you thought of sending a short note c/o her social worker?
If nothing happens after that, at least you have tried one last time.

I have only just come to this thread and have read with interest peoples suggestions. I think you have made the only decision you could have given your sisters wishes. I wish you all the best in these difficult times.

Right decision I think Anya. I don't see my sister either, it was always difficult and eventually I realised that I reminded her too much of the childhood she would rather forget (I don't blame her).

Anya

A decision made is half the battle won.

I sincerely hope you get this resolved amicably but don't forget some of us have tried to say try hard not to allow the obviously emotional side of your problem drag you into any sort of self recrimination , so so easy to happen.

May I just add I hope your sister is as comfortable as allows , a wish I am sure you want for her too.

Take care Anya

I'm late to the thread as well Anya. Your reference to the letter from your sister emphasised how hard this has been for you. Alcoholism is a horrible thing for the drinker but the impact on those who love them is easy to under estimate.

The decision you've reached sounds the best you can do.

Tough times, anya. Such weighings up are emotionally draining. Whatever you decide, it will be what seems right at the time. You cannot do more.

This may be out of turn as well, but I would go with resolve and compassion, and leave with both, regardless of how the visit turns out.

I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you Anya

I have come late to this sad thread. Anya, why not think a little longer. You really have nothing to lose by making the other decision. She could be feeling really lonely and afraid. A straight-forward outpouring of love from you, nothing more, could perhaps ease things for her.

Sorry if I am talking out of turn.