Toxic people

Well done for making a decision Anya. (((hugs)))

That's so true. Making a decision feels like a huge weight has been lifted.

This is where GN really comes into its own.....

Terribly difficult for you Anya. I have a similar sister (although she is not ill). I have three sisters. Three of us are very close. My oldest sister has cut off ties with all of us and moved a distance away (the rest of us live near each other). We thought we all got along, until she wrote a dreadful letter to the three of us a few years ago accusing us of all sorts (including laughing at her) When I received the letter I rang her and asked what it was all about but she didn't want to know. She hated her in-laws and cut off all ties with them, now us. She fell out with neighbours when she lived around here, and neighbours where she is now. She stopped sending birthday/Christmas cards to our granddaughter who she supposedly loved. She now only has her husband. My DH was diagnosed with cancer last year, she didn't even pick up the phone or send a note (I heard that she knew about his illness). We all had a difficult childhood and hers was particularly awful, so I give her some sympathy. You can do no more than try.

Yes, I think you've made the right decision too, Anya. There really is no more you can do - even if you could get your sister's address it would be too intrusive to contact her by that means.

I hope you'll feel more at ease in your own mind now, it must be such a difficult time for you...

I echo the previous post x

I think that you have made a good decision Anya - you have left the door open and it is now her choice.

I hope that making a decision will give you some peace - indecision is quite the worst scenario. You have done your absolute best and now can move on. Well done.

Can you get her address and then send a card , to say you are thinking of her . Then it is her choice about making contact .

My brother when he was dying didn't want to see or speak to me. He had distanced himself from family for a very long time. He wanted blood transfusions and was willing to talk but after he was told that they would no longer help he switched off again. It has been quite hard realising he didn't give a hoot about his original family.

Well done. It couldn't have been easy but now you must stick to your decision whatever happens. You have done the right thing.

I've decided.

I still have her reply to the last letter I wrote, two years ago, offering help. It doesn't make pleasant reading. So writing another letter isn't something I could do.

Some of you will understand that.

But I will talk to the one person who has her mobile phone details and ask them to pass on a message from me. It will simply say that I'm at the end of the phone if she ever feels she needs to talk. And I'll ask them to include my phone number in case she's 'lost' it.

That way she knows the door is open, but it's up to her.

I really appreciate all your replies and they have helped me think this through.

anya

What an awful dilemma Anya. I really don't know what to say, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you are in this position.

Anya - you say that you don't know where she is, and even the Social Worker isn't allowed to talk to you.
You could write a letter and send it to the SW, to give to your sister if she agrees.

Really sad Anya for you and for her. I would give it a last go, but via the SW, as POGS said, and then what will be will be. As you are asking the question now you might feel, after she dies, that you should have tried again. The SW route would be less painful if you are rejected but you will have done your best.

My brothers and I didn't have contact for 6 years, due to Mum, but I spent 45 minutes chatting on the phone to one of them yesterday and I so regret letting mum come between us.

I think you are in for an emotional time.

So so hard for you Anya- but I'd say the same- and try just once more- just going there without being asked. It may end up with her throwing you out- but then you will always know you tried to the very end- and then, somehow, you will be able to go forth and know it was not of your making.

Anya, I am deeply sorry. Seems your choice is between a possible further rejection or living with 'perhaps if I had'. The rejection would not be of your doing , it may hurt you yet again but you can get on with your life in the knowledge that you could do no more x

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this.

I've had a long, soggy walk and a nice hot shower and my thoughts are still muddled. But I'm feeling less fraught and emotional.

I have some long, hard thinking to do.

Anya how sad and difficult for you. Maybe deep down, your sister can't cope with any pity, real or perceived, or sadness at the knowledge of what she's lost.
I hope you can come to terms with whatever you decide to do, and don't feel any guilt.

Anya, you have tried to make contact. My guess is that if you made further overtures you would be setting yourself up for further rejection.

Anya

There are probably one or two of us who can relate to your situation, sadly.

I think the mere fact you are finding yourself to be emotionally upset is actually confirming that you have always felt there was such 'a waste' in both your sisters life and yours. It does unfortunately take 'the road of least resistance ' to cope with it, does that make sense?

I think given your circumstance I would ask the SW if she would take a letter from you to your sister. I would tell the SW that you are totally prepared for the SW to read it and agree to be the piggy in the middle but you are hoping your sister will at one stage ask to see you, or at least 'hear' your thoughts through the letter, which I know you will write with empathy and giving your sister a sense of feeling she was a sister, part of a family but like so many simply decided to take a different path when it came to how she chose to live her life.

If, as could well happen, she refuses to read it or still denies anybody contact then you have no option but to accept that as with life her death has been one of her choosing and nobody could have broken through to change it.

I hope I am not being harsh Anya but it is easy under the very sad circumstance you are in to look at how/if you could have dealt with your relationship differently but my guess is it was one we had to deal with, there are some people who don't just fall through the cracks they open the ground so wide they just free fall into self made oblivion and nobody, no empathy, no loving would/could have saved them from themselves, no matter how hard others try.

. [understandingemoticon]

How sad for you.

She has made her choices. Which are hers to make. I dont know that some people even regret them.
I am not sure that I would be sad for her.
Is she sad for herself?

How hard for you Anya - but there really is nothing you can do. You have extended a hand via the SW and had your reply. It is very painful, but I really do think that there is no more that you can do. Your sister has made her choice, bizarre though it may seem to us all.

I hope that you have been striding off into the cleansing rain, and have come back with a mind and heart refreshed and ready to move on.

I agree with Annesixty, Anya , you have tried in the past , and even just recently.There are some people in our lives that no amount of offered help and friendship can mend.

Anya I am sorry you are in this awful situation and you will have to live with it but I do hope you are not going to dwell on it and when she dies that you will feel no guilt ,only sadness for a lost relationship.

Anya - Don't know what to say so - thinking of you and