To Babysit or Not?!

Thank you Anya That is so kind.
When you feel nervous about posting it so lovely to be welcomed so warmly. Appreciate it.

Yet another new poster. Welcome to GN themoll

Thank goodness for this post. I am relieved to read others think like me.

Although I only work part-time, I have felt really guilty not wanting or offering to take on child care. We made our thoughts clear to DD and DDIL and they totally accepted this. Like others we are happy to babysit when they go out and be there when needed. Love to have the DG in small doses and overnight but even that is so tiring - enjoyable but exhausting.

We have a fair few friends that care for GC on a weekly basis and were happy to do so at first but they all - without exception - would like to cut back to one or two days.

Stick to your guns and enjoy your retirement.

Welcome to GN Houseseller

I do not see why Grandparents should be expected to a childminder on a regular basis. I am 71 and have worked full time all my life and raised 3 children of my own. My children decided to have a family therefore it is their responsibility not mine. I have a new partner of 5 years who has 2 sons. One son is of the opinion that his Father should jump to look after his daughter whenever he wants. My problem is I do the looking after not his Father. If Grandparents (usually the grandmother) enjoy looking after children then that's fine, but we shouldn't be coerced into giving up our retirement years to raise children for the second time. Don't get sucked in think of yourself, they are. Life is too short enjoy yourself

I haven't posted on here for 2 months. Guess why? Looking after 2 DGSs pretty much every week day during school holidays. Although they are 5 and 8, I'm still wrecked at the end of each full day. Not as young and fit as I used to be!
I agree with everything that goes before. If you have found a new lease of life, committing to 50 hours of childcare a week will drag you back into exhaustion. Our children's generation don't seem to recognise how energy levels plummet in the 60s. Yes, we do have a special relationship with the GCs we mind. But a few days a week are plenty.

Young children have a lot of energy and they need energetic people to keep them safe IMO. Also, the older we get, the more likely we are to develop health issues. Your DD needs to recognise this and not be totally reliant on you for all childcare. If something happens to you, she has no safety net in place.

Discuss and compromise.

And a big welcome to all the newcomers who have posted their wise words on here!

Keep up with .... oops.

Apologies if you're an 'old poster' I just can't keep with with the influx.

Are you new too townie? If so welcome to GN

Being prepared to step into the breach occasionally in a work or childcare emergency is also OK, but very different from a full-time job.

Agree with everyone else. 'Babysitting' sounds quite passive but in reality full time care of young children is exhausting, mentally and physically, however rewarding, and excludes you from following your own interests.

Several of my friends have committed to one day a week, to ease the cost of childcare for their children. It works well. I think offering any more than that wouldn't be reasonable or fair on you, unless your daughter and her partner were in the direst of financial straits, which it doesn't seem they are.

Welcome SusieB50 to GN

Definitely full time child care is too much to expect .You would end up exhausted and fit for nothing .I cared once a week for my twin grandchildren until they started school , the other granny did twice a week and they had nursery once a week when my DiL returned to work for 4 days a week when they were a year old . Thank goodness they had a long sleep after lunch that's all I say ! Now they are at school I collect once a week , and have my DD's 3 year old sometimes when she is working . That is enough I feel . I enjoy it but any more it becomes a trial .

Amazing, almost unbelievable all this agreement in GN from so many different and from, mainly, newcomers. Welcome all of you - too numerous to name individually.

You might almost say you speak with one tongue.

It's certainly unique and great that so many have at last found a voice and the motivation to post.

wanders off to never-never land

I never have, and never want to, look after my grandchildren. I love to visit them and buy them presents for Christmas and Birthdays. I love them intensely but do not enjoy their company at all if I am in sole charge. I feel tense from head to foot. I don't know what to do with them. This is probably the most extreme letter you will get.

No, No, No. I looked after their parents full time and it nearly drove me mad. However I got through that and I've loved my life ever since. I'm not going back there for one minute.

I agree with your comment. It certainly is hard work & you get aches & pains in places you wouldn't normally but it is rewarding. Paid for childcare can be such a hit & miss. I enjoy 2 days a week trying to teach the little girls things their mother doesn't have time for. She works full time & I would feel mean if I did not help, while I am able. We don't know what the future holds for us in this more dangerous world & I would like to think I have done my bit. They adore us & look forward to outings or just playing in the garden.

Hi, well having read these message if feels clear to me that no matter where you are
1. You are still young ( I am 64)
2. You have a life & you are fit and healthy , you MUST do what YOU want to do.
3. You adore your grand children BUT you have to have a life of your own
4. Your DIL and husband have good jobs they have offered to pay you so the problem is theirs.
5 A compromise will be ideal and best for everyone!
Please find the best of both worlds, I don't want to sound morbid but no one knows what is around the corner enjoy life while you can . PS The grandchildren will be happy and will remember you whatever you give. My grand children are hundreds of miles away (S. England v North) and I don't get to see them as often as I would like ( DIL! ) BUT we adore each other and have a tremendous bond. Wherever you are in the world...in the moment...be happy!

I am in a very similar situation to you. I am 61 years old and have been a carer for my husband since he suffered a brain injury in a road traffic accident when we were both 39. My daughter who lives close to us has just had her baby daughter and is currently on maternity leave and due to return to work in March. She works in London and her commute means a very early start, catching the train at 7am. We have discussed childcare arrangements for her return to work and I have said I will help out but I have been careful to ensure that I do not commit myself to more than I am able. I am happy to look after the baby when she first returns to work as we are all in agreement that we do not want her to go into full time nursery care at such a young age, but if this proves too much we will have to reach a compromise.
Nursery care is available from infancy, though I suspect your daughter would prefer her baby does not have to go into full time care when still an infant. Cost is also a real concern for parents who are working( £1,300 every 4 weeks in my area) but you need to remember that it is your daughter's decision to have a family and you should not feel pressured for any of these reasons to supply free childcare which will impact so much on your own life.
I suggest you have a heart to heart with your daughter and be completely honest with each other about her expectations and what you feel able to provide. Perhaps you could look after your grandchild in the afternoons, with nursery care in the mornings, or maybe commit to 2 days a week. It is not a good plan to simply capitulate to unrealistic demands on your time as you will soon feel exhausted and resentful. Your relationship with your daughter will suffer too. I hope you are able to reach a compromise, remember you are first and foremost a granny, and your grandchild should bring joy and happiness into your life. Not stress and exhaustion....you did all that last time round!

Have read with interest the previous comments. Every one has different situations. I retired to look after first grandaughter. It was my choice, I was 63yrs and felt time was right. My daughter had to go back to work due to son in law was made redundant and had to take a low paid job. They really wanted children as were in their 30,s, and I felt for them. I gained so much from the three days a week childcare, I Met so many other lovely grandparents at toddler groups, singing classes etc. walked a lot with pushchair. Some of these are 6 years later, friends and acquaintances. I am now doing the same for 1 year old grandaughter. I just love it. The bond is amazing.

As someone said to me the other day - the grandchildren will still be around when you're long gone, so think of yourself too. I think you might regret it later if you didn't offer to do at least one day a week. I have looked after the DGS's every other Saturday since the older one was 1 year old (he's now nearly 9) and believe me, including extra help at holiday times, that is quite enough, but I do have a special relationship with the boys which I'm sure I will cherish in years to come.
Good luck.

I think the difficulty for the OP is that her DD has made an assumption, and the only way that this can be resolved is to challenge it and risk a falling out. The fact that they moved near their family might have confused the issue and resulted in that assumption.

I think that the majority of posters here are correct; but this does not ease the OP's dilemma as to how she tackles this and tries to reach a compromise without upset.

Only she can make decisions about that as she knows the personalities involved, but I can sympathise with her dilemma.

I am in general agreement not to jump into such an arrangement. The economics are a factor though. The mums with young children are now paying much more for their housing costs that we ever did.

I live 50 miles from my daughter. She went back to work when DGS1 was 10 mnths old. She now has a 16 week old baby and is on maternity leave.
DGS1 has been at a very good day nursery 3 days a week and is very happy there. He qualify for the 15 hrs free childcare in January. DD has to go back to work when DGS2 is about 10months. She is nursing and works shifts which makes things even more awkward.

I did do some childminding when SIL was away with work but as a regular commitment I would not want to do it.

It's partly down to health issues My hands and arms are not as strong as they were. Picking up small kids is getting harder.
DGS1 does not need much woman handling now. But DGS2 (not sitting up yet) is getting bigger and heavier every time I see him now and lumping him about will not much fun in a couple more months (as lovely as he is).
As the general concensus. If in any doubt, don't or make it a very limited commitment.

My husband and I babysat my 3 year old grandson 3 days a week,for 9 months, for which I was paid, he starts school in September but a second child is due in January! I know my daughter in law will have maternity leave but when the baby is 9 months old she will go back to work and I know we will be asked to babysit at least 4 days a week from 8:30 am to about 5:30 pm. I'm torn because I love spending time with my grandchildren, (I have 4) but my husband and I will both be 71 years old when the new baby comes and we love walking, going to the gym and swimming, things looking after a 9 month old will curtail. I'm torn between looking after my family and looking after myself, I have decided not to babysit full or part time. When you get to our age, your children seem to think you have no lives anymore and see you as an on tap childminder.

I agree with Pauline .
If you give it all up you will be so much older when you can fully have your freedom. You need to be keeping fit now with all that walking.
I don't think that I would be so good with grandchildren, I would worry about the responsibility. e.g. I used to be able to relax in playgrounds and just let my children climb up high etc- with other people's children it scares me!
I also intend to be the fun grandmother- not the one who has to get them to eat greens etc. I have been there and done it!

Babysitting is fine, stepping in for emergencies is fine but childcare is different. You can't go away for a couple of nights on the spur of the moment, go out for the day if someone invites you, do a regular class in something etc etc

It isn't fair to have done all the child care and then the next generation don't do it but expect you to do a second lot!

Absolutely NO! It's totally unreasonable for your daughter to make the assumption that you moved closer to her and therefore will automatically provide full time babysitting services for her family because of this. You moved to be closer to your grandchildren to enjoy their company and provide the unconditional love and companionship that only grandparents can provide their grandchildren. A full time babysitter is a full time profession - and a world of difference to being a grandparent!

Stop for a moment and think.....you are successfully transiting into a phase of your life that is giving you renewed energy, new friendships and a sense of achievement .... for you it's all about walking longer distances with a group of likeminded buddies, making new friends through community involvement, and enjoying the companionship of exercise classes. Simply put - it's your time now to choose between the two options and not to be pressured into taking on a role that isn't what you really want to be doing - and there should be no guilt attached to that decision ... you will still love your grandchildren unconditionally and I am sure you will still help you daughter and son in law out whenever they need you for emergencies.

The expectation for your daughter is that she should search out suitable care for her children for when she returns to work, with the understanding that if one of the children are unwell, or there is a classroom activity for her twins that she cannot get to, then she will have the peace of mind that you will step in. If she cannot find full time childcare, then she should postpone returning to work.

You are on the brink of a wonderfully satisfying retirement which you well deserve ..... don't throw it away by making a decision out of guilt by agreeing to your daughter's request just because you feel you must.
This is 2015 - not 1965 ...those days are long gone when women were the carers of the world!

Enjoy being part of your grandchildren's lives - but choose it on your terms.