To Babysit or Not?!

Nannyfrance., I'm afraid words fail me! Expected to do all that. Whose children are they and who decided to have them in the first place ?

I haven't read all of the posts but enough to get the gist of the helpful answers. I completely understand how you feel. Not that I'm in that situation because my daughter lives 2 1/2 hrs away but my husband and I have just looked after my two DGS for 3 days and last March for 8 days, both times whilst my daughter and son in law had much needed breaks (her husband is a hotel manager, say no more!) I've never felt so totally exhausted! It was full on from the minute my toe touched the floor in the morning. My husband helped in every way possible and still we were both totally pooped by the time the evening came and they were tucked in. Now this was completely full time for a shortish period so not the same but my point is we're not the age our daughters are! If you looked after your grandchildren every day I think it would completely exhaust you. 5 days is too much! Compromise by doing a couple of days maybe but then if you do get a job part time you will then have filled up your week. I'm 60 next birthday and I know that I'd resent my time being totally used up. Don't do 5 days! good luck and glad you've found some good recreational time. I'm still trying to find 'me' since I retired but I've also got both parents with Alzheimer's whom my husband and I oversee living at home with live in care there. Whoever would've guessed life would become more complicated as we get into our dotage?

I agreed to care for my grandson whilst I was still employed for one day a week. My DIL's retired mother cared for him for the other 4 days. However, she then became ill and I was expected to cover her. I eventually had to give up my job as it was getting too difficult to work ( I started really early so I could finish in time to collect GS from school). Since then we have had 4 more grandchildren and are expected to help care for them all. As they attend different schools both my husband and myself have to collect them. As they got older and started after school activities, we are also expected to taxi them to football, netball, rugby, cricket, gymnastics, music lessons etc. I also now have to care for my Dad who has dementia. My advice is don't start it then there will be no ill feeling if and when you find you can no longer cope.

I share childminding with the other gran, can this not be an idea, I do and and a half days and she does the same, plus odd babysitting nights if they want a night out. I worry that my health will stop me from looking after DGD and that my dd will lose her job as there is no one to help out if I am ill,DD just stays off work or uses holidays. It is always good to have back up childcare in case of illness or emergency.

Solataire I do so envy your energy levels.

We help out with looking after our two GSs which we love but I would definitely not do it full time because I would become exhausted and resentful.

If I had asked my mum in the 1970s to look after DS full time she would have said he was my responsibility and I think she was right.

My ex-neighbour was a single parent who had her mother look after her son from babyhood onwards. Her mother was in her 60s when this arrangement came to an end and she had done a good job. The neighbour then found a partner and had another baby (about 12 years between the children). I spoke to her mother who said no way was she doing it again as time was moving on and she didn't have a life of her own. Do you know what I met her recently and there she was again in sole charge of her GD, she said that she would be in her mid 70s when she finished that job.

I I LOVE caring for my grandson from birth to now nearly 12. I've been a lone parent to 3 young children since 1987, worked full time in child protection and cared for 3 horses,2 cats, 2 dogs and various assorted pets. Providing transport to horse shows with horse box in tow, rugby and athletics and football training. Now retired and nearing the end of the school summer holiday, I'll really miss my grandson during the day, even though I'm renovating and decorating 3 properties which is keeping me out of mischief. An early morning warm sleepy hug and 'good morning Gran' and a shout from the garden gate as grandson leaves for school ' bye Gran, I love you' makes my heart feel it could burst. New baby due in 4 weeks and I'm SO excited!

.

If you were to do this full time you could potentially become resentful of your grandchildren. This wouldn't be fair on you or them.
Does her MIL live nearby who could share the load?
If not then there will have to be some compomise where she put your grandaughter into childcare & you have her for 2 days a week.
What will happen during the school holidays?
You have a lot to think about but don't do it out of uty do it becuse you want to

Hi I look after my granddaughter one day a week and find that enough
It's your time now don't commit to every day if you feel unsure I wouldn't
Take payment if you can manage without as it puts agreement into a different level hope you can sort out something that will suit all of you .

You and your daughter are so lucky to live near to each other. It's exhausting looking after grandchildren, you need time to yourself especially as you have worked hard to build up a new social life for yourself. Be honest with your daughter and try and maybe come to a compromise of some sort. Maybe you feel you could do one or two days and childcare could be arranged for the rest of the week. Good luck anyhow. I'm sure things will sort themselves out they usually do but remember this time in your life it is important to have some 'me time' as well as enjoying your grandchildren.

I agree with most of posts full time care is way too much to be expected of any grandparent. Two days per week sounds just about right to me. I am envious as our grandchildren live on another continent so not really relevant but we are loving our retirement and would not be be prepared to put our lives on hold despite loving them dearly. Don't mean to sound like the grim reaper we are ONLY 63 but have recently have lost two very close friends completly out of the blue. So you need to make some quality time with your partner

I agree with Riverwalk. Offer 2 days. I looked after my g.daughter 2 days a week term time for 3 years which meant travelling by train 3 plus hours, there and back, each week. A big commitment but am so so glad I did it. Love her dearly and we have a very good relationship. You can never get that time back so take the opportunity if it's possible.

I tried to reply but seem to have broken it.

(I am not jeffrey, promise)

hoping it has pinged back to you now.

B Susan I have PM'd you.

I worry that I would feel like it my fault somehow if mine turned out to be like that. [scared] One does ones best to raise, polite, kind unselfish children...but eek, there is no guarantee how they will turn out.

BSusan the one time in the past few years that I have asked them to assist me in something, they bailed. I was quite upset, as I never ask them for anything, but have helped them many many times.

I think there's very much a mentality of "our lives are so busy and full and you're older and aren't doing all the things we are, so our needs are much more important" going on there. They make that attitude very obvious.

We shouldn't have to tiptoe around them saying "actually, no, I can't do this for you" and rattle off a litany of excuses. We should be able to say "No, I can't do this" and leave it at that without having to deal with histrionics or complaining. Their expectations, as in the OP's case, are pretty clear.

heaven that is shocking.

If you need specific restrictions then you find a provider that provides it, or nearly it already. Fair enough having values for your children and asking for them to be adhered to, but then do not have a hissy fit if the person you have asked to provide care declines and suggests you look elsewhere.

There's helping out and then there is being taken advantage of.

I bet they will not be offering you round the clock care when you need it!

I was a young single parent once, years ago, and I never bullied or pushed my parents into childcare. My mother did childcare for me for about 6 months when I was struggling to find one (my previous one had decided to stop and the nurseries in the immediate area were full), but she offered and I insisted on paying her, even though that meant that money was very tight. And as soon as a spot opened up at a local nursery, I took it. My mum knows I appreciated it, and I never took advantage or made demands.

Yes, they need to work and pay bills. But some grandparents have the same issues, and adult children need to understand that we need to have a life too and have other commitments. I am happy to help in an emergency or on occasion, but I don't expect to be at their beck and call. I certainly don't expect THEM to be, so why would they expect ME to be at theirs?

I think it reflects the desperation that some young couples feel about the need to work and pay the bills.

Luckygirl Yes, but at the same time, are we supposed to just roll over and allow our adult children to dictate our lives in that way? I value my relationship with my dd, but I cannot allow her to tell me I am going to do this or that. It's not her call. I am not required to provide childcare for her. I have 2 other children at home, plus considerable health issues of my own. Even just after school child care was taxing me to my limits.

I don't think it's fair to be put in a position that is basically "either provide childcare for me/do as I say or you won't see me or my grandchild." I realise that's not necessarily what's going on with the OP, but essentially it's emotional blackmail and beyond pushy to expect a grandparent to just "suck it up" and do the free childcare, especially full time! We have a right to a life.

That's the situation that the OP needs to try and avoid I think! Sorry it turned out that way for you heavenknows.

I did childcare for my dgs for a few years when he was an infant until he was 3 (she was a single mum, so lived with us as well), then told dd she needed to sort out her own childcare (gave her plenty of notice to find some). Then I helped out again a few years later with afterschool pick up and child care when she was living with a new partner. The problem was that I still have two young children at home, and dd was expecting my dcs at home to follow HER rules for her house when dgs was in my home - no television, no video games, no sugar, no dvds that she specifically hadn't approved. I reminded her that I was doing her a favour by providing free childcare for her and that I was not imposing her rules in my house.

The relationship went downhill from there, as she was incensed that I wouldn't toe the line with her demands. I suggested at that point that she needed to organise her own childcare. She and her partner have now decided that I am a rubbish mum and have kept me from seeing dgs at all for the last year. It's frustrating, but hopefully she will grow up soon. I don't want to be estranged from her, but neither will I allow her to call the shots in my life and my home.

ha, ha, ha, she has got to be kidding right? (response to the opening post... when I have picked my chin off the floor I shall read further)

Had the same chat with my DDs with the same conclusion.

had a chat to DD1 on the phone tonight and told her what I said here. She agrees that it is not the rôle of Grandparents to raise GCs- and just cannot fathom why any adult children should expect this- says it is fabulous to know we are always here to take over in an emergency or for hols etc, as a safety net. We both have no idea how and why some believe it would be in any way shape or form 'normal and fair' to expect this.