Bad marriages

Marriage is a blessing to some,a tragedy to others and a great uncertainty to all (D.Lloyd George)

silverscarlett and Grannybuy your stories are heart rending. how cruel fate can be.

A heartfelt post Cangran

I was so sorry Yogadatti to hear of your situation, one that I share, apart from not being ill (touch wood) and being three years older than you. Your husband sounds so much like mine that it could be the same person (heaven forbid!) We should never have married either (I think I was attracted to his confidence, something I lacked, but it was not a good basis for a marriage). However, it was hard to admit to such a mistake and I got the feeling from my mother that she knew there were problems (my husband caused me a lot of pain over the years with his affairs which he made clear he never felt the least bit sorry about) but her attitude was that 'you made your bed, now you must lie in it.' I was 1000s of miles away from home anyway so there was no point causing my family worry when I was having tough times.

My husband is not a monster (like yours, he is charming to people outside the family) and I am comfortable financially. I wish I had had the courage and personal resources to leave him years ago (he won't leave) but there always seemed a good reason not to and so I just stayed put. I have two lovely children and a grandson.

Others have given you excellent advice and you must choose what suits you. I know now that there is no easy answer or one that is right for everyone in our situation. I started getting interested in meditation a few years ago and also do a Pilates class and walks. I've extended my friends network (met some great women on a writing course) and now go out a lot to lunch, theatre, weekends away, often with friends who are single (I still feel lonely when with friends with partners that they share a lot with if they keep going on about how great it is!) I feel so much happier and positive than I did a few years ago. I may still be sharing a house with my husband but I know longer try to change our relationship into anything other than what it is and I haven't fancied him for years. He does his thing (retired but busy all the time with an organisation he started) while I do mine. My next hurdle is to either find someone to go on holiday with or go on my own. And maybe some day yet I'll still have the courage to leave but I realise time is not on my side as one of us could get ill and then it would be almost impossible to leave.

Anyway Yogadatti I wish I could give you a big hug and hope that sharing your predicament with such kindly women has made you feel that you have a whole load of understanding friends who are wishing you well.

Silverscarlett, I do very much admire you but alas admiration cannot give back the life you sacrificed.
I have been married to a bi-polar man for 35 years, which was incredibly trying. Four years after he had died of heart problems, I met what I thought was a lovely and highly intelligent man with whom I could enjoy the rest of my life but he soon metamorphosed into an Asperger person, which is far more challenging than bi-polarity can ever be. I am still trying, five years later, to make sense of his irrational mind but don't want to leave him to his own devices as he truly suffers knowing that his brain is wired differently from neurotypical people.
It's really tough when you are caught between your own needs and those of a partner.

I feel for everyone who think they can't leave but am so glad that I did. I am so much happier on my own and left at 60 after not being happy for a long time but things got so bad I really couldn't stay I couldn't stand it. There is life afterwards sometimes much better than you had before

If it's difficult for you when your partner is well, it will be much worse if he is ill. I felt some years back that my marriage was not happy, or fulfilling. However, I wasn't brave enough to walk away. A few years ago, when we were just sixty, he was diagnosed with a progressive neurological condition. Living with the illness, which has changed his personality, is very difficult. I couldn't leave now, and feel it is a life sentence. I don't think that I'm even the best person to care for him, as when the love and respect are missing, it is harder to be patient and tolerant, which means that he is missing out, sadly.

I left my first husband at age 44yrs we had 3 children. I was so unhappy and was crying every day. It was a very bitter separation, (no one else involved). I went to stay with my brother and his wife. He would never have left our marital home.
I re-married about 2 years later and he re-married as well. It was 6 years ago that his 2nd wife died and he is now a very good friend with me again and my 2nd husband. I had to go at that time, it was a very hard decision. If you can work out where you can stay and support yourself you must do it. Life is too short to live it unhappily. No-one is going to give a dam when you are dead whether you were happy or not because it will be too late.

I can identify with Yogadatti. I too am in a marriage that I realise now, far too late, that I should have left long ago. I grew up in a family that was blighted by alcoholism and vowed I would never let myself end up in a situation like that. Somehow, history has repeated itself though the problem was not alcohol. I supported my husband through 20 years of Army life, slowly realising that he was almost totally emotionally absent from me and our two children, but appearing as a solid family man was good for his career. As many here have said, he was a charmer to everyone else, but had another side altogether that only the family at home were aware of. Just as I was building up the confidence to leave as the end of his Army career was approaching, he was involved in a near fatal road traffic accident. He survived, but was left brain damaged and disabled. I have been his carer for over 20 years now as he is unable to manage on his own and family took a step back when they realised how difficult the situation was. It has been unimaginably difficult and the feeling of isolation is always there, as normal life is a thing of the past for us both. If only I had been strong enough to make a break, both our lives might have taken a different course.

I think soon's advice of a time apart is great. If you can't do that maybe you could set yourself up with a lot of things to do outside the home for a couple of weeks, so that you spend time away from him. Then you can think hard about what you are getting out of the marriage, if there is anything you would miss if you were on your own, and what would need to change to persuade you to stay. Then have a talk with him and let him know what you need and if he can't change and there isn't much you would miss-leave.

Yogadatti....just occurred to me that your husband could have a touch of Aspergers, which may be why he doesn't leave the marital home despite giving the appearance he doesn't care. It would also explain your depression about the fact that no one believes you. They wouldn't because Asperger men CAN appear just perfect to outsiders. If that were the case, he would NEVER change because he could not as their brains are wired differently from a neurotypical brain. Sorry if that doesn't sound very positive but it IS a possibility.

It is so scary thinking of being alone. But it is actually quite liberating
I assume you have girlfriends to whom you can turn for support
The sisterhood is amazing at times like this. Don't waste this part of your life and regret not living a better life

As Atqui says, many more people feel this way than is ever realised. They battle on bravely from one family event to the next,fearing to rock the boat.
Many a book could be written with the title 'How I saved my marriage and ruined my life'. On the other hand, there is the old adage 'better the devil' and 'the grass is not always greener on the other side' ! Maybe the best advice is still this : 'Lord, grant me the strength to change what I cannot accept and the wisdom to accept what I cannot change.'
But, Yogadatti, I do feel for you in this state of indecision and hope you'll find a solution very soon.

I agree with gettingonabit - I too am in a difficult second relationship but lack the impetus to leave for financial and social reasons. I have used Mindfullness and therapies to help change my view on life. I am trying to think of the positive stuff and not dwell on negative thoughts and criticisms and it has definitely made me happier. My daughter is heavily into Tapping and all things meditative and although I do not engage with all her ideas, some of them seem to have rubbed off on me and helped.
I do take small breaks away from home with girl friends which helps too.
I sometimes do wonder if in ten years time (I turned 70 this year) I will regret not having done something to change my life - but living in the present and thinking positive thoughts does help.

Soon's advice is very sound. A break may be all it will need to make him aware of the problems you are having. Also I strongly advise seeing your doctor and getting some help. Quite clearly the situation and your health will not improve without an intervention of some kind. You have taken the first step by coming on GN and sharing this with others, be brave and take the next step. I hope that even sharing this online has made you feel more positive. Keep in touch.

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation myself, and it's soul -destroying. I would certainly take the advice of those who advise a long holiday (assuming you have no commitments needing to be met).

If you are unable to do this, have you thought of self-help therapies or counselling? Self-help, and mindfulness, has helped me a lot. I don't mean that to sound trite, by the way. I am unwilling/unable to leave my relationship at the moment and I've found that changing my view on things has really helped me.

If you think you are depressed, see your doctor.

Sometimes the first small step is the hardest, though.

Perhaps you should consider soontobe's excellent advice. Some time apart will not only give you the opportunity to re evaluate but your husband too. He may not feel so "self sufficient, up beat and able to cope with anything" when you're not around. He may discover he needs you in his life more than either of you realise.

It is always sad when someone's marriage reaches the stage where it is unbearable for one person. I do not have any theories about what should or should not be done, there are obviously folk on here with more experience, I am just writing to say that I feel for you in what must be a sort of loneliness. Things do sometimes have a habit of sorting themselves out, it is really just a question of whether you can, or are prepared to give it any more time.

Please take soon's advice. I can't begin to imagine living like that for the rest of my life - you deserve better and so, probably, does your husband.

soon makes a good suggestion. One of my aunts years ago now surprised the whole family by taking herself off on what she said was "a retreat" for a month, but we all knew my uncle had been giving her a hard time. She returned but it was clear that negotiation had taken place.

My MIL once left my FIL for four months - she went on "an extended holiday".

It's an option (for some people).

In 10 years time, are you likely to say, I should have left at 66?

Could you go and stay with someone for a little while, say a week or a month, and see how you feel?

Yes I am depressed...for various reasons I can't take depressants....but the gulf between us was there before, and has always been there.....and I should have left but I didn't....and I can't change the mistakes of the past.
Yes, I have tried to talk it through, over and over again.....bottom line is he doesn't care .....and he is a charmer to everyone else of course, so no one sees the person I do!

Wouldn't help sorry iPad is being difficult

You might as well be alone if he treats you unkindly. How will he treat you when you really need him? I had a second cousin that developed MS and was in a wheelchair. She had a louse for a husband who considered her now a burden and he got angry one day and pushed her chair over. Needless to say she was better off when she left him. I can understand staying in a difficult marriage but if I didn't think my husband would help me if I got ill then I wouldn't be with him. Life's to short at our age and we need to be closer and count on our spouses.

We have nothing in common, but the worst thing about him is that he is unaffectionate and emotionally unkind to me because he is totally self- sufficient , upbeat, and able to cope with anything, whereas I am the opposite.

This seems so sad to me (and no, I don't have rose-coloured specs on)
You must have had something in common to have married in the first place and is it that because he appears self sufficient etc you feel he's distant to you?

Have you tried explaining to him just how you feel? Certainly it does sound like you might be depressed.