Bad marriages

I'm sorry you feel like that it must be miserable. I've been married this time for nearly 38 years and some of it early on was very difficult but its seems to have got better and better lately- sometimes that happens. I wonder if you would feel better about it if you were well- is there anything you can do about your own health?

I sympathise with you Yogadatti. I suspect that many reading this are in a similar situation, but do not feel comfortable going into details online

teetime I think you've hit the nail on the head ... there has to be a positive trajectory - I'd hate to feel stuck in a dead end relationship in my sixties.

One thing I do sometimes wonder about - I'm aware that I have influenced my husband and some of his values and traits have rubbed off on me - sometimes I wonder how I would have been if I was married to someone else. Because I do think who we have as a life partner shapes who we are, especially over a long period of time. Hope that makes sense!

yoga for you.

Swings and roundabouts Yoga; I did leave an unhappy marriage when I was in my fifties..I have gained some things since then but I've also lost things [including financial stability]. Best to stick with what you're got unless it totally unbearable imo. No relationship is perfect.

When was the last time you had a heart to heart to him about it?
Sorry to read how you feel both emotionally and physically.

Financially are you able to separate ? If that's yes, do it. Your not old, there's a whole world out there. Go have some fun. And you'll probably find that all your health issues will disappear

Yoga is it possible that you are suiffering from depression? That can make one feel very low and hopeless about a situation that could have some kind of resolution, even if it means facing up to changing your life.

Could you start by talking to your GP or a councillor?

We have nothing in common, but the worst thing about him is that he is unaffectionate and emotionally unkind to me because he is totally self- sufficient , upbeat, and able to cope with anything, whereas I am the opposite.

This seems so sad to me (and no, I don't have rose-coloured specs on)
You must have had something in common to have married in the first place and is it that because he appears self sufficient etc you feel he's distant to you?

Have you tried explaining to him just how you feel? Certainly it does sound like you might be depressed.

You might as well be alone if he treats you unkindly. How will he treat you when you really need him? I had a second cousin that developed MS and was in a wheelchair. She had a louse for a husband who considered her now a burden and he got angry one day and pushed her chair over. Needless to say she was better off when she left him. I can understand staying in a difficult marriage but if I didn't think my husband would help me if I got ill then I wouldn't be with him. Life's to short at our age and we need to be closer and count on our spouses.

Wouldn't help sorry iPad is being difficult

Yes I am depressed...for various reasons I can't take depressants....but the gulf between us was there before, and has always been there.....and I should have left but I didn't....and I can't change the mistakes of the past.
Yes, I have tried to talk it through, over and over again.....bottom line is he doesn't care .....and he is a charmer to everyone else of course, so no one sees the person I do!

In 10 years time, are you likely to say, I should have left at 66?

Could you go and stay with someone for a little while, say a week or a month, and see how you feel?

soon makes a good suggestion. One of my aunts years ago now surprised the whole family by taking herself off on what she said was "a retreat" for a month, but we all knew my uncle had been giving her a hard time. She returned but it was clear that negotiation had taken place.

My MIL once left my FIL for four months - she went on "an extended holiday".

It's an option (for some people).

Please take soon's advice. I can't begin to imagine living like that for the rest of my life - you deserve better and so, probably, does your husband.

It is always sad when someone's marriage reaches the stage where it is unbearable for one person. I do not have any theories about what should or should not be done, there are obviously folk on here with more experience, I am just writing to say that I feel for you in what must be a sort of loneliness. Things do sometimes have a habit of sorting themselves out, it is really just a question of whether you can, or are prepared to give it any more time.

Perhaps you should consider soontobe's excellent advice. Some time apart will not only give you the opportunity to re evaluate but your husband too. He may not feel so "self sufficient, up beat and able to cope with anything" when you're not around. He may discover he needs you in his life more than either of you realise.

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation myself, and it's soul -destroying. I would certainly take the advice of those who advise a long holiday (assuming you have no commitments needing to be met).

If you are unable to do this, have you thought of self-help therapies or counselling? Self-help, and mindfulness, has helped me a lot. I don't mean that to sound trite, by the way. I am unwilling/unable to leave my relationship at the moment and I've found that changing my view on things has really helped me.

If you think you are depressed, see your doctor.

Sometimes the first small step is the hardest, though.

Soon's advice is very sound. A break may be all it will need to make him aware of the problems you are having. Also I strongly advise seeing your doctor and getting some help. Quite clearly the situation and your health will not improve without an intervention of some kind. You have taken the first step by coming on GN and sharing this with others, be brave and take the next step. I hope that even sharing this online has made you feel more positive. Keep in touch.

I agree with gettingonabit - I too am in a difficult second relationship but lack the impetus to leave for financial and social reasons. I have used Mindfullness and therapies to help change my view on life. I am trying to think of the positive stuff and not dwell on negative thoughts and criticisms and it has definitely made me happier. My daughter is heavily into Tapping and all things meditative and although I do not engage with all her ideas, some of them seem to have rubbed off on me and helped.
I do take small breaks away from home with girl friends which helps too.
I sometimes do wonder if in ten years time (I turned 70 this year) I will regret not having done something to change my life - but living in the present and thinking positive thoughts does help.

As Atqui says, many more people feel this way than is ever realised. They battle on bravely from one family event to the next,fearing to rock the boat.
Many a book could be written with the title 'How I saved my marriage and ruined my life'. On the other hand, there is the old adage 'better the devil' and 'the grass is not always greener on the other side' ! Maybe the best advice is still this : 'Lord, grant me the strength to change what I cannot accept and the wisdom to accept what I cannot change.'
But, Yogadatti, I do feel for you in this state of indecision and hope you'll find a solution very soon.

It is so scary thinking of being alone. But it is actually quite liberating
I assume you have girlfriends to whom you can turn for support
The sisterhood is amazing at times like this. Don't waste this part of your life and regret not living a better life

Yogadatti....just occurred to me that your husband could have a touch of Aspergers, which may be why he doesn't leave the marital home despite giving the appearance he doesn't care. It would also explain your depression about the fact that no one believes you. They wouldn't because Asperger men CAN appear just perfect to outsiders. If that were the case, he would NEVER change because he could not as their brains are wired differently from a neurotypical brain. Sorry if that doesn't sound very positive but it IS a possibility.

I think soon's advice of a time apart is great. If you can't do that maybe you could set yourself up with a lot of things to do outside the home for a couple of weeks, so that you spend time away from him. Then you can think hard about what you are getting out of the marriage, if there is anything you would miss if you were on your own, and what would need to change to persuade you to stay. Then have a talk with him and let him know what you need and if he can't change and there isn't much you would miss-leave.

I can identify with Yogadatti. I too am in a marriage that I realise now, far too late, that I should have left long ago. I grew up in a family that was blighted by alcoholism and vowed I would never let myself end up in a situation like that. Somehow, history has repeated itself though the problem was not alcohol. I supported my husband through 20 years of Army life, slowly realising that he was almost totally emotionally absent from me and our two children, but appearing as a solid family man was good for his career. As many here have said, he was a charmer to everyone else, but had another side altogether that only the family at home were aware of. Just as I was building up the confidence to leave as the end of his Army career was approaching, he was involved in a near fatal road traffic accident. He survived, but was left brain damaged and disabled. I have been his carer for over 20 years now as he is unable to manage on his own and family took a step back when they realised how difficult the situation was. It has been unimaginably difficult and the feeling of isolation is always there, as normal life is a thing of the past for us both. If only I had been strong enough to make a break, both our lives might have taken a different course.