Walking on egg shells with my daughter in law

I felt so sorry when reading your post, Kittysmum 123. I have a vile ex DIL, and so can empathise somewhat with your predicament.

I hope that what I say will help you. I find that it helps me to focus on my granddaughter's needs and to engage with her mother as little as possible. I am polite and reserved. I do no more or less than I'm asked so you may find things improve if you don't 'go the extra mile' without being invited to do so. Your thoughtfulness and generosity is being wrongly interpreted as interference and as criticism of the way they live.

I too never get any thanks but I've risen above this to keep on seeing Sienna each week. It's hard when ex DIL says bad things about my son and I do draw the line there (they have shared custody - so confusing for the little girl) by saying 'that's my son you're speaking about' quite firmly/sharply.

Don't forget you're are needed as a babysitter and will be for a long time so you will therefore see your grandchildren often. They will respect you for standing up to them, I'm sure and you don't want the grandchildren to get the impression you are a doormat.

Good luck with a very difficult situation.

I haven't seen my dgs for 3 years and am given to understand that I now have a gd too.My eldest daughter their mother, refuses to speak to me after dgs said I had smacked him (I hadn't) and by a combination of blackmail, coercion and bribary (£++++), has ensured my two younger daughters tell people I am dead. Eventually I moved away from the area as I could stand it no longer. Your DIL might be a very jealous person, seeing as how you and your GC have such a good time together, but that is an emotion you could understand, evening if it is irrational. Be happy you still have the grandchildren and your son on the scene. Maybe you and the GC could make a cake for your DIL so that she can see they still think of her even when with you?

My three year old GD went through a stage of saying, "Daddy hit me, mummy hit me, granny hit me, granddad hit me". We couldn't understand it as she has NEVER been hit by anyone! My daughter was worried sick that she would say it at nursery and they would believe her. She's stopped saying it now. We don't know if she saw something on tv, or heard another child say it. I just wonder if your grandchildren have said something similar. They should be gently asked.

My best friend has a DIL like yours. She goes the extra mile for her grandchildren, always sending them home, fed, bathed and in their pyjamas, so mum can put them straight to bed. She has never had a word of thanks,. In fact she's had horrible things said to her. I don't get it. Good luck in rising above it all!

The times you hear of these awful DILs making their partners choose between them and his family . At work we started a support group for mum in laws . This has continued now we ve all retired . It really does help to know that many mum in laws are in the same situation . So chin up and don't lower yourself to her standards. You are clearly a wonderful Gran

I have had 16 years of this. I rarely see the grandchildren. It used to hurt like hell but now it has become normal, until, of course, they need help. For instance it's ok to ask me to mind the dog but not the grandchildren.

Oh Kittysmum 123 my heart goes out to you. I've posted before about my difficult Dil. She's accused me of being cold, shouted at me for about half an hour about how useless I was etc., etc., At my birthday when I was 66 she refused to toast my health on the grounds that her own mum had passed away and I was no substitute.

She was like this but more restrained before my husband passed away and it definitely got worse when I was widowed.

Things have definitely calmed down now the children are older and at school 7 and 4 years old.

I never retaliated in an angry way and it worked, but the worse occasion was about two years ago. I'd been babysitting and she was extremely nasty to me, the usual things, I was cold, useless etc., I was at a bus stop and shaking so much I had to ring for a taxi.

Try to be the adult. For example when she made the remark about you wanting to hold the baby say something, like "oh so sorry, I didn't mean to overstep the mark" or something similar. Talk to friends or post on Gransnet when it all gets too much and hold tight, things will definitely improve if you can try to let it all go over your head, not easy but best in the long run.

My other dil is cool and distantly kind and doesn't find me a threat, so that does help a bit and I know it's not just me.

I'm sorry, your DIL sounds a bit unhinged to me, I know others have said try to make the peace etc, but I think you are right in letting them know how you feel, honesty is the best policy, I can't understand why she is being this way, but you deserve to be treated with respect, I often just hold out my arms to my GC and they lean other to be held from their Mum or Dad and vice versa, no one takes offence, it seems that these little ones have enough love for everyone. I don't understand these Mums who seem to feel that they have so much power over everyone else once they have children, I wouldn't be surprised if you see her back peddling furiously once she needs your help even more, I'm afraid after her outburst I would have found myself 'unfortunately busy' the next time she asked if only to make her realise how important it is that you are a part of the GC's lives, as my DD once said to me ... it takes a village to raise a child.
As for the smacking, a little boy belonging to a friend of ours told his teacher that Grandma had hit him, however Grandma lives in Australia and had been nowhere near!

I have always got on very well with my ex dilaw. (They are now divorced) but we are still friends.

No, I sometimes have a problem with my own daughter.
Admittedly she has just had a baby, but is always critical of what I have or have not done for her.
I am 70 years old, and I do sometimes forget things. When I do forget stuff she gets annoyed and huffy if she has to repeat whatever. But she forgets stuff all the time, even before getting pregnant.
I don't know why, but I feel very upset when this happens and try to let it go.
Its the same with my hearing which is not 100percent.
I have asked her to try and be a bit kinder, so we will see.
Of course, none of us like to be criticised, but only for a good reason.

I have an even worse situation with my Son and Daughter in Law. They had twins two years ago and I have only been allowed to see them twice (when they were first born) I have no idea why they feel like this as nothing has been explained. I am forbidden to contact them by my DiL's Mother... She has even threatened me with violence. I have 3 other Sons who also don't know why this is happening. I am heartbroken.... I have fostered lots of children over 36 years (now retired) so really cannot understand any of this....

You say 'my son seems unwilling to go against her' and it's good that you understand that. His first loyalty must be to his wife now.

Try not to take criticism to heart kittysmum - most of the time its not meant quite as it sounds/seems. I've broken my heart over something my DD or DiL said to me, only to find, it wasn't meant as it sounded.

Try to find common ground. Every parent loves hearing how wonderful their children are, and of course we all think our GC are the best! And give her some verbal strokes too - how about commenting that the GC are a credit to her. Give praise.

Invite them all round for an occasional meal if you feel able. Or special occasions, Halloween is just around the corner. If you don't feel able then bake them a cake.

Be a fun MiL - I expect you're already a fun Granny/Nana.

Don't let this get you down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again.

I wonder what caused dil to believe that the boys had been smacked.

We look after 2 dgc for one day each week, plus occasional sleepovers, and even the occasional weekend. My dgd when she was about 4 told her mother (DIL) that I had smacked her. DIL and I have a great relationship and DIL absolutely believed me that I hadn't done so. Dgd insisted that I had smacked her. We eventually let it go. About one month later all arrived one Sunday for dinner and DIL says to dgd ' you have something to say to granny'. Dgd said she was sorry, that I hadn't smacked her, and she didn't know why she said that I did. Punishment was the removal of favourite toy for a week which was strictly adhered to.

It was the only time any of us are aware that she told such a blatant untruth. We all have a very good relationship.

It is so awkward when having to tread on eggshells and good for you that spoke up. It's a shame your DIL is difficult. Do you have a friend that you can offload onto. If not, many of us will have experienced what you are going through and will be able to relate.

I think you will still be needed and indeed wanted, and especially as your son tells you the boys have had a great time. The boys themselves will want to see you.

Sometimes my son and I have gone for a walk, just a half hour strolling around the local area, occasionally even at late evening and in the rain or snow. It has always been a good time for chatting and we've often put the world to rights at such times. It's surprising what you can talk about without either party taking offence when just ambling long.

I wonder if next time you are talking with your son, how would he react if you were to ask him to meet up for coffee - your treat. "Nothing wrong, no problems, just a mum/son coffee date"

I don't know what to say to you except it seems like you have had a raw deal BUT don't let it ruin everything. The boys do have a lovely time with you - you know it so if no-one else tells you this tell it to yourself! Affirmations are strong tools so use them when you need to.

It's my belief that Dil feels jealous and mildly threatened by you (not uncommon in those relationships) - take the upper hand - be sweet and accommodating - after all you don't want to lose the boys do you? But don't overdo it - be firm with her and make sure anything you say to her is said in front of your son so there can be no twisting of the conversation. It might make things a little sticky at first but my bet is that in the end you will have won her over. Your son will be so happy as will your grandsons. Don't be afraid to stand back a little - whatever you do, do not act hurt or needy. Sorry, to have such strong views but as the song says "life made me this way", Good luck.

only if she can get another babysitter though.