Walking on egg shells with my daughter in law

only if she can get another babysitter though.

I don't know what to say to you except it seems like you have had a raw deal BUT don't let it ruin everything. The boys do have a lovely time with you - you know it so if no-one else tells you this tell it to yourself! Affirmations are strong tools so use them when you need to.

It's my belief that Dil feels jealous and mildly threatened by you (not uncommon in those relationships) - take the upper hand - be sweet and accommodating - after all you don't want to lose the boys do you? But don't overdo it - be firm with her and make sure anything you say to her is said in front of your son so there can be no twisting of the conversation. It might make things a little sticky at first but my bet is that in the end you will have won her over. Your son will be so happy as will your grandsons. Don't be afraid to stand back a little - whatever you do, do not act hurt or needy. Sorry, to have such strong views but as the song says "life made me this way", Good luck.

I wonder what caused dil to believe that the boys had been smacked.

We look after 2 dgc for one day each week, plus occasional sleepovers, and even the occasional weekend. My dgd when she was about 4 told her mother (DIL) that I had smacked her. DIL and I have a great relationship and DIL absolutely believed me that I hadn't done so. Dgd insisted that I had smacked her. We eventually let it go. About one month later all arrived one Sunday for dinner and DIL says to dgd ' you have something to say to granny'. Dgd said she was sorry, that I hadn't smacked her, and she didn't know why she said that I did. Punishment was the removal of favourite toy for a week which was strictly adhered to.

It was the only time any of us are aware that she told such a blatant untruth. We all have a very good relationship.

It is so awkward when having to tread on eggshells and good for you that spoke up. It's a shame your DIL is difficult. Do you have a friend that you can offload onto. If not, many of us will have experienced what you are going through and will be able to relate.

I think you will still be needed and indeed wanted, and especially as your son tells you the boys have had a great time. The boys themselves will want to see you.

Sometimes my son and I have gone for a walk, just a half hour strolling around the local area, occasionally even at late evening and in the rain or snow. It has always been a good time for chatting and we've often put the world to rights at such times. It's surprising what you can talk about without either party taking offence when just ambling long.

I wonder if next time you are talking with your son, how would he react if you were to ask him to meet up for coffee - your treat. "Nothing wrong, no problems, just a mum/son coffee date"

You say 'my son seems unwilling to go against her' and it's good that you understand that. His first loyalty must be to his wife now.

Try not to take criticism to heart kittysmum - most of the time its not meant quite as it sounds/seems. I've broken my heart over something my DD or DiL said to me, only to find, it wasn't meant as it sounded.

Try to find common ground. Every parent loves hearing how wonderful their children are, and of course we all think our GC are the best! And give her some verbal strokes too - how about commenting that the GC are a credit to her. Give praise.

Invite them all round for an occasional meal if you feel able. Or special occasions, Halloween is just around the corner. If you don't feel able then bake them a cake.

Be a fun MiL - I expect you're already a fun Granny/Nana.

Don't let this get you down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again.

I have an even worse situation with my Son and Daughter in Law. They had twins two years ago and I have only been allowed to see them twice (when they were first born) I have no idea why they feel like this as nothing has been explained. I am forbidden to contact them by my DiL's Mother... She has even threatened me with violence. I have 3 other Sons who also don't know why this is happening. I am heartbroken.... I have fostered lots of children over 36 years (now retired) so really cannot understand any of this....

I have always got on very well with my ex dilaw. (They are now divorced) but we are still friends.

No, I sometimes have a problem with my own daughter.
Admittedly she has just had a baby, but is always critical of what I have or have not done for her.
I am 70 years old, and I do sometimes forget things. When I do forget stuff she gets annoyed and huffy if she has to repeat whatever. But she forgets stuff all the time, even before getting pregnant.
I don't know why, but I feel very upset when this happens and try to let it go.
Its the same with my hearing which is not 100percent.
I have asked her to try and be a bit kinder, so we will see.
Of course, none of us like to be criticised, but only for a good reason.

I'm sorry, your DIL sounds a bit unhinged to me, I know others have said try to make the peace etc, but I think you are right in letting them know how you feel, honesty is the best policy, I can't understand why she is being this way, but you deserve to be treated with respect, I often just hold out my arms to my GC and they lean other to be held from their Mum or Dad and vice versa, no one takes offence, it seems that these little ones have enough love for everyone. I don't understand these Mums who seem to feel that they have so much power over everyone else once they have children, I wouldn't be surprised if you see her back peddling furiously once she needs your help even more, I'm afraid after her outburst I would have found myself 'unfortunately busy' the next time she asked if only to make her realise how important it is that you are a part of the GC's lives, as my DD once said to me ... it takes a village to raise a child.
As for the smacking, a little boy belonging to a friend of ours told his teacher that Grandma had hit him, however Grandma lives in Australia and had been nowhere near!

Oh Kittysmum 123 my heart goes out to you. I've posted before about my difficult Dil. She's accused me of being cold, shouted at me for about half an hour about how useless I was etc., etc., At my birthday when I was 66 she refused to toast my health on the grounds that her own mum had passed away and I was no substitute.

She was like this but more restrained before my husband passed away and it definitely got worse when I was widowed.

Things have definitely calmed down now the children are older and at school 7 and 4 years old.

I never retaliated in an angry way and it worked, but the worse occasion was about two years ago. I'd been babysitting and she was extremely nasty to me, the usual things, I was cold, useless etc., I was at a bus stop and shaking so much I had to ring for a taxi.

Try to be the adult. For example when she made the remark about you wanting to hold the baby say something, like "oh so sorry, I didn't mean to overstep the mark" or something similar. Talk to friends or post on Gransnet when it all gets too much and hold tight, things will definitely improve if you can try to let it all go over your head, not easy but best in the long run.

My other dil is cool and distantly kind and doesn't find me a threat, so that does help a bit and I know it's not just me.

I have had 16 years of this. I rarely see the grandchildren. It used to hurt like hell but now it has become normal, until, of course, they need help. For instance it's ok to ask me to mind the dog but not the grandchildren.

The times you hear of these awful DILs making their partners choose between them and his family . At work we started a support group for mum in laws . This has continued now we ve all retired . It really does help to know that many mum in laws are in the same situation . So chin up and don't lower yourself to her standards. You are clearly a wonderful Gran

My three year old GD went through a stage of saying, "Daddy hit me, mummy hit me, granny hit me, granddad hit me". We couldn't understand it as she has NEVER been hit by anyone! My daughter was worried sick that she would say it at nursery and they would believe her. She's stopped saying it now. We don't know if she saw something on tv, or heard another child say it. I just wonder if your grandchildren have said something similar. They should be gently asked.

My best friend has a DIL like yours. She goes the extra mile for her grandchildren, always sending them home, fed, bathed and in their pyjamas, so mum can put them straight to bed. She has never had a word of thanks,. In fact she's had horrible things said to her. I don't get it. Good luck in rising above it all!

I haven't seen my dgs for 3 years and am given to understand that I now have a gd too.My eldest daughter their mother, refuses to speak to me after dgs said I had smacked him (I hadn't) and by a combination of blackmail, coercion and bribary (£++++), has ensured my two younger daughters tell people I am dead. Eventually I moved away from the area as I could stand it no longer. Your DIL might be a very jealous person, seeing as how you and your GC have such a good time together, but that is an emotion you could understand, evening if it is irrational. Be happy you still have the grandchildren and your son on the scene. Maybe you and the GC could make a cake for your DIL so that she can see they still think of her even when with you?

I felt so sorry when reading your post, Kittysmum 123. I have a vile ex DIL, and so can empathise somewhat with your predicament.

I hope that what I say will help you. I find that it helps me to focus on my granddaughter's needs and to engage with her mother as little as possible. I am polite and reserved. I do no more or less than I'm asked so you may find things improve if you don't 'go the extra mile' without being invited to do so. Your thoughtfulness and generosity is being wrongly interpreted as interference and as criticism of the way they live.

I too never get any thanks but I've risen above this to keep on seeing Sienna each week. It's hard when ex DIL says bad things about my son and I do draw the line there (they have shared custody - so confusing for the little girl) by saying 'that's my son you're speaking about' quite firmly/sharply.

Don't forget you're are needed as a babysitter and will be for a long time so you will therefore see your grandchildren often. They will respect you for standing up to them, I'm sure and you don't want the grandchildren to get the impression you are a doormat.

Good luck with a very difficult situation.

You did the right thing standing up for yourself Kittysmum. You haven't said anything that isn't true; you do feel as if you have to walk on eggshells and you certainly do seem to be unappreciated.

Your son being unable or unwilling to 'go against her' is unfortunate when she's been rude and confrontational with you and it's verythat your relationship with your son is being affected. His first loyalty may well be to his wife but that doesn't mean he should tolerate her bad behaviour toward you. You're a mother, mother in law and a grand mother, not a door mat.

Having been estranged from my son for 3 years now, and my only grand child even though they live just 15 doors away, I understand your worries about being stopped from seeing your grandsons but try not to worry. It seems to me that you're relied upon for looking after the boys; that was never the case for us, we were never given the chance.

What a good idea ginnycomelately, as you say it's awful that families are being torn apart in this way. It really does help to know that others are in the same situation and can understand what you're going through.

I'm so sorry miep, your nightmare's been going on for the same length of time as ours. They're having another baby, due at Christmas who we wont be allowed to see or have anything to do with. No doubt he'll be paraded around the village where we live and more than likely my ES will walk past our house with both of his children, like he occasionally does with the one we haven't been allowed near since he was 8 months old.

for all who are made to suffer in this way.

While it is great that people understand, let us not rush to make things worse. I am currently watching a situation deveop between my DiL and her mother.

The situation is going from bad to worse each time her parents visit.

Last visit it all ended in a blazing row and her mother phoned me to tell me all about it. It sounded as if my DiL had completely flipped. But when the real story came out, it was not surprising DiL had a meltdown.

My son is hovering on the brink of telling this woman, his MiL not to visit again. Why? Because he loves his wife, they've been through hell together, and he will support her.

I've managed to cool the situation down by telling son just to leave things alone for now and not to make things even worse.

It's not a question of sticking up for yourself in these situations, it's more using the considerable people skills we, as more mature people, have developed in our longer lives. We should be able to look at a situation and see how it can be, if not resolved, at least not escalated.

Has it always been this way especially with DILs and sons' mothers? Now that we do much of the child care, feed their children and look after them with loving care. It seems that this generation of grandparents give a lot of time to their grandchildren far more that our parents were ever called to do, nor it seems expected to do. Often with little thanks and no offers of reimbursement ( not that we expected nor wanted it). It makes me so sad to read these posts and why are sons so reluctant to say anything?

I have a brilliant relationship with my sons now but it was not always so. My son who was married to vile DIL was quite distant with me for 10 years because he did not want to upset his wife. I have to assume that she did not like the fact that we got on so well? She was boring and selfish though I never said so - it just about killed me to keep my counsel! My son's new partner is brilliant, thank goodness.

I do understand that your relationship with your son has to change when he gets married but I feel bad about your situation Smileless 2012. I hope that things change for the better for you

My MIL has been a difficult person to get along with over the years. She has a very strong personality and is very opinionated. If you disagree with her, she will not like it and there will be a lot of tension until she calms down. She was a very authoritarian mother to her 5 children, being very strict, with a lot of wooden spoon hitting. My other half left home to join the navy at a young age and became independent from his family, and since then hasn't felt a strong connection to them. One day, many years ago, I suggested to him that he should think good and hard about seeing more of his family, especially his mum, as time is precious and the past is the past, etc. It did the trick and he started to be part of their lives again. He hasn't forgotten what happened in his childhood, but he still has his family and that can only he a good thing.

I think the point I'm making is, that it's not up to us daughters in law or sons in law to call the shots with in laws. We should only encourage good relationships, by putting our sensitivities aside and keep family on the same side. We don't have children, therefore there are no grandchildren in the equation. However, I didn't have grandparents when I was a child, and I really feel that I missed out on having extended family to turn to.

I sincerely hope that your DIL will come round and see what a wonderful grannie you are, and that your son will realise that his mum is suffering.

Thank you AdelejayI knew our relationship would change once they married, but never expected to lose him altogether. I still find it hard to believe.

I wish my dil could see your post Kitspurr"It's not up to us daughters in law or sons in law to call the shots with in laws. We should only encourage good relationships, by putting our sensitivities aside and keep family on the same side". I wonder if your mil knows how much she is indebted to you.

I suppose it's the attitude that I have to life in general, Smileles2012. It's not a good thing to make someone's life miserable. The downside to that attitude is that I have a tendancy to not get involved, but that's just the way I cope, being the stress-head that I am! I just wish that people would see beyond themselves and calm down a bit. I hope this week has been better for you.

Yes, it has thank you Kitspurr which is great because I've been dreading tomorrow. It will be 3 years since I last cuddled and played with my GC then aged 8 months. When my ES collected him and I kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him soon, I never envisaged that I'd never do any of those things again. I foolishly believed my ES when he told us they'd never take our GC away because they knew how much we loved him.

There's something else I never envisaged, never thought possible. That I would gradually learn to accept that my son has gone and in so doing find peace and happiness again. It's a work in process of course, there are still bad days and the birth of his second child at Christmas is another emotional mountain to climb.

I'm trying not to think about what it will be like, seeing them pushing the new baby around the village and not even knowing what he looks like but I don't have to face that just yet. I just have to get through tomorrow and I think it's going to be OK; I'm pretty certain we'll be feeling a little and will shed few tears but we'll get through it. We got through the previous 2 and I don't suppose number 3 will be any harder.

Pity Kittysmum hasn't come back to read the cautionary tales and advice offered here.

How do you know that she hasn't, Anya?

Good point. Let me rephrase that. Pity she has come back to comment on the advice etc..