Walking on egg shells with my daughter in law

I googled this book on Amazon and it is described as 'taking your life back when someone you care about has borderline personality disorder'. The reviews are excellent in this regard.

I wonder is it relevant to dealing with generally difficult people.

Good for you Annegranny what a great outlook you have on life. It is best to ignore negative comments and just get on with your life although sometimes that's easier said than done.

Who wrote the book you mentioned 'Stop Treading on Eggshells'? I quite fancy reading that.

Thanks Anno though that doesn't explain the über hostile reaction from the OP and another, unless......

.....perhaps one speaks with two voices????

And am I deliberately poking the hornets nest tonight?

You bet I am!

I thought that in the circumstances, Anya's comment was completely innocuous. It's something I have often thought when OPs post something that attracts many perceptive and helpful comments but never come back to report on any outcomes. As it happens, in this case, the OP has been away, but Anya and the rest of us weren't to know that.

Wow! What a strange response as others have pointed out. Would you care to explain what you thought was 'nasty' kitty and louisa?

Oh and of course smileless

When I felt unappreciated for all my efforts; baby sitting for years and having the grandson to stay I was upset and sad for a while. Then I decided I will always want to see my grandson and have him to stay over so I now make an effort to dress up when I go to collect him and be very friendly and up beat, even if I don't feel like it. I have so much experience of life and will not be put down by negative comments. Just best to ignore them and get on with your life too. Once they see you having a good time they will look at you differently with more respect for some reason! That's what I have found anyway. Plus self help books if I get really stuck and there really is one called Stop Treading on Eggshells!

The OP, Kittysmum has been on holiday which is why she's not responded before now but what does it matter. Is there some unwritten rule somewhere that the OP must respond when there could be all manner of reasons why she doesn't?

Kittysmum clearly found the remark unpleasant as did Louisamay and they're entitled to say so as are the posters who disagree with them. I thought the comment unnecessary.

What a very strange response louisamay. Yours is the only 'unpleasant comment' I can see here.

What on eart has anya said on this thread to provoke such a personal attack ?

It's sooo good to see you posting Louisamay welcome back. It's been a long time since GN heard from you. It is indeed unfortunate that this subject matter attracts from some quarters, such hostility and on occasion nastiness. There are unfortunately some posters who make Job's comforters seem positively supportive.

I hope you had a good holiday Kittysmum. I agree, there have been some helpful and insightful responses to your post. I think your approach is the right one. Yes, you should be there for them when needed, retain your dignity and avoid confrontation where ever possible but relationships are a two way street. Your help should not be taken for granted and should be appreciated. You should receive the respect you show to others. Sadly there are some posters who cannot resist the temptation to be unpleasant but don't be discouraged from posting. Unfortunately some have been in the past.

Kittysmum123

Anya's unpleasant comments appear on other other forums together with others who are, ostensibly, offering a 'balanced view.' Never seem to miss a chance to put the boot in.

Just come back from holiday, and have read all your comments and advice for which I am extremely grateful, I have taken much of the advice on board and don't feel as if i'm on my own in this situation now.
As suggested i will retain my dignity, not be confrontational and always be there for them all should they ask me.
Hopefully i will see my grandsons soon, in the meantime i intend to get on with my life.
Anya, I hope the above satisfies your need to make unpleasant comments, it really isn't necessary.
Kittysmum

Good point. Let me rephrase that. Pity she has come back to comment on the advice etc..

How do you know that she hasn't, Anya?

Pity Kittysmum hasn't come back to read the cautionary tales and advice offered here.

Yes, it has thank you Kitspurr which is great because I've been dreading tomorrow. It will be 3 years since I last cuddled and played with my GC then aged 8 months. When my ES collected him and I kissed him goodbye and told him I'd see him soon, I never envisaged that I'd never do any of those things again. I foolishly believed my ES when he told us they'd never take our GC away because they knew how much we loved him.

There's something else I never envisaged, never thought possible. That I would gradually learn to accept that my son has gone and in so doing find peace and happiness again. It's a work in process of course, there are still bad days and the birth of his second child at Christmas is another emotional mountain to climb.

I'm trying not to think about what it will be like, seeing them pushing the new baby around the village and not even knowing what he looks like but I don't have to face that just yet. I just have to get through tomorrow and I think it's going to be OK; I'm pretty certain we'll be feeling a little and will shed few tears but we'll get through it. We got through the previous 2 and I don't suppose number 3 will be any harder.

I suppose it's the attitude that I have to life in general, Smileles2012. It's not a good thing to make someone's life miserable. The downside to that attitude is that I have a tendancy to not get involved, but that's just the way I cope, being the stress-head that I am! I just wish that people would see beyond themselves and calm down a bit. I hope this week has been better for you.

Thank you AdelejayI knew our relationship would change once they married, but never expected to lose him altogether. I still find it hard to believe.

I wish my dil could see your post Kitspurr"It's not up to us daughters in law or sons in law to call the shots with in laws. We should only encourage good relationships, by putting our sensitivities aside and keep family on the same side". I wonder if your mil knows how much she is indebted to you.

My MIL has been a difficult person to get along with over the years. She has a very strong personality and is very opinionated. If you disagree with her, she will not like it and there will be a lot of tension until she calms down. She was a very authoritarian mother to her 5 children, being very strict, with a lot of wooden spoon hitting. My other half left home to join the navy at a young age and became independent from his family, and since then hasn't felt a strong connection to them. One day, many years ago, I suggested to him that he should think good and hard about seeing more of his family, especially his mum, as time is precious and the past is the past, etc. It did the trick and he started to be part of their lives again. He hasn't forgotten what happened in his childhood, but he still has his family and that can only he a good thing.

I think the point I'm making is, that it's not up to us daughters in law or sons in law to call the shots with in laws. We should only encourage good relationships, by putting our sensitivities aside and keep family on the same side. We don't have children, therefore there are no grandchildren in the equation. However, I didn't have grandparents when I was a child, and I really feel that I missed out on having extended family to turn to.

I sincerely hope that your DIL will come round and see what a wonderful grannie you are, and that your son will realise that his mum is suffering.

I have a brilliant relationship with my sons now but it was not always so. My son who was married to vile DIL was quite distant with me for 10 years because he did not want to upset his wife. I have to assume that she did not like the fact that we got on so well? She was boring and selfish though I never said so - it just about killed me to keep my counsel! My son's new partner is brilliant, thank goodness.

I do understand that your relationship with your son has to change when he gets married but I feel bad about your situation Smileless 2012. I hope that things change for the better for you

Has it always been this way especially with DILs and sons' mothers? Now that we do much of the child care, feed their children and look after them with loving care. It seems that this generation of grandparents give a lot of time to their grandchildren far more that our parents were ever called to do, nor it seems expected to do. Often with little thanks and no offers of reimbursement ( not that we expected nor wanted it). It makes me so sad to read these posts and why are sons so reluctant to say anything?

While it is great that people understand, let us not rush to make things worse. I am currently watching a situation deveop between my DiL and her mother.

The situation is going from bad to worse each time her parents visit.

Last visit it all ended in a blazing row and her mother phoned me to tell me all about it. It sounded as if my DiL had completely flipped. But when the real story came out, it was not surprising DiL had a meltdown.

My son is hovering on the brink of telling this woman, his MiL not to visit again. Why? Because he loves his wife, they've been through hell together, and he will support her.

I've managed to cool the situation down by telling son just to leave things alone for now and not to make things even worse.

It's not a question of sticking up for yourself in these situations, it's more using the considerable people skills we, as more mature people, have developed in our longer lives. We should be able to look at a situation and see how it can be, if not resolved, at least not escalated.

You did the right thing standing up for yourself Kittysmum. You haven't said anything that isn't true; you do feel as if you have to walk on eggshells and you certainly do seem to be unappreciated.

Your son being unable or unwilling to 'go against her' is unfortunate when she's been rude and confrontational with you and it's verythat your relationship with your son is being affected. His first loyalty may well be to his wife but that doesn't mean he should tolerate her bad behaviour toward you. You're a mother, mother in law and a grand mother, not a door mat.

Having been estranged from my son for 3 years now, and my only grand child even though they live just 15 doors away, I understand your worries about being stopped from seeing your grandsons but try not to worry. It seems to me that you're relied upon for looking after the boys; that was never the case for us, we were never given the chance.

What a good idea ginnycomelately, as you say it's awful that families are being torn apart in this way. It really does help to know that others are in the same situation and can understand what you're going through.

I'm so sorry miep, your nightmare's been going on for the same length of time as ours. They're having another baby, due at Christmas who we wont be allowed to see or have anything to do with. No doubt he'll be paraded around the village where we live and more than likely my ES will walk past our house with both of his children, like he occasionally does with the one we haven't been allowed near since he was 8 months old.

for all who are made to suffer in this way.