Would you keep it a secret if you were seriously ill?

I have no idea- actually. I think I'd be torn between wanting to spare my children worry, and yet wanting to have as much quality time with them- as we live a long way away.

That's exactly right Bellasnana....no-one knows how they'd respond until faced with it themselves.

Respect to your sister-in-law for managing her cancer the way that was best for her.

Well said, notso!

My sister-in-law died a year ago yesterday. She had found a lump in her breast three years before but did not tell a soul. Not even her DH or DD, neither did she see a doctor until three weeks before she died, so never had any treatment.

It came as a huge shock to those of us who loved her, but she was always very private, never wanted a fuss and I admire her for going through it on her own terms. I would like to think I would be brave enough to do the same, but I don't think you know what you would do until you actually have to face it.

Cancer is enormous...not just to your body, but it does a big number on your head. Anyone with such a devastating diagnosis is perfectly entitled to deal with it in the best way for THEM. Family members have no bloody right to be annoyed, to have expectations or to question how you deal with it.

Tricky to underplay with chemo, but with my ops and radiotherapy I kept it all low key, no performance, minimal discussion, no more significant than getting my eyebrows waxed etc etc I only spoke of follow ups to relay the outcomes....positive so far.

The reason for this was not to save my family from anxiety or concern, it was to save me from having to spend any energy in re-assuring them. I need all of my focus to be on making ME feel better, not anyone else.

Well...... thinking about it, I'm not sure. Maybe I would manage to keep my gob shut. My son would have to know though. He already thinks he can google a cure for every little illness I get. And I have great faith in him.

God no!!! Everyone would know about it. They already get the minutiae of every little hiccup I get healthwise. Long may it continue!

Loopylou I think I would find it difficult to tell my family. That's learned behaviour.
I also have a hubby who so far has been pretty useless when I have been unwell or worried about a health issue.

Luckily so far most of my ill health has been "mechanical" in nature, but even then I know from experience don't feel I would get any real emotional support. He just does not know how to respond.

I think not telling people is also about saving them anguish for as long as possible.

I'd hate to have to tell my children if I were seriously ill.

sunseeker my mother used to say "Don't come here with your she's got cancer face on". It makes me now when I think of it.

When I had Breast cancer I didn't tell my Daughter until it was confirmed . She was living 3000 miles away and we had two weeks holiday with them and 8 month GS and it was confirmed one week later and I had to stay up until 1am due to the time difference and I wanted SiL to be with her when I told her. I just told people who needed to be told. I left it until the very last minute to tell my mother. We are all different in how we deal with things and that was my way.

Me too, with sunseeker.

I'm with sunseeker on this, I'd hate the constant enquiries and pitying looks.

I'd probably not even tell DH at the beginning. He's so useless with other people's illness (avoids them as if they had the Plague!) that I'd end up having to carry him too...

I'm sure DCs would be very supportive but I wouldn't want to worry them until or if that were to be necessary.

My mother had a variety of health problems some real many imagined or certainly exaggerated and made all our lives a misery with her constant harping on about her health. I know my daughters and family would want to know if I had problems but I don't want them burdened down in the way I was so I would think that DH and I would probably keep it to ourselves for as long as possible.

When my DH was diagnosed with suspected prostate cancer last year, he wouldn't let me tell a soul. He wanted to get biopsy, scans, hospital appointments a secret for a while. We told our DD only when he had had it confirmed, not when it was only suspected. He then swore her to secrecy as we were going on holiday with my sister and brother-in-law, and DH said that although they wouldn't mean to, they would treat him differently. We only told them after the holiday. They were amazed at how normal we had been behaving. My sister said we should receive an Oscar for our acting abilities! I don't think you know how you will react to something like this until it happens. I thought I would be a gibbering wreck and wouldn't be able to hide it, but I wasn't. It was hard. There were times when I was with someone who was complaining about a trivial ailment and I wanted to scream. I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach for all the months we kept it quiet. When we eventually told people, everyone was lovely and supportive. Thankfully he has had a happy outcome. He never once complained or said 'why me?' I'm not sure how I would be if it were me.

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I told only my DH and my boss (I needed time off work for treatment). It was only when the effects of chemo started showing that I then told family and friends. I am a very private person and I didn't want the pitying looks and constant enquiries as to how I was feeling.

I agree, if you live near, or are emotionally close to family I don't see how it can be kept secret. Also, I remember the devastation felt by children away at university when they learned their father had days to live. He'd kept it from them, even when they'd questioned weight loss etc.

I don't see how one could keep treatment such as chemo a secret , unless you didn't see your family . I once had a recall to the breast cancer clinic after a mammogram , I didn't tell my daughters , parents or sisters, I made the mistake of saying I was going to Cardiff to shop and came back without shopping, they were curious so I explained I didn't want to worry them and all was well, they were furious with me

My DD always says "You will tell me mum, won't you?" I'm an open book anyway, but I think I might tell a close friend first.

The temptation would be not to tell them but as l would expect and hope they would tell me if the boot were on the other foot,l would feel duty bound to tell them.

I would certainly tell my family and close friends - I think that they would feel very aggrieved (and justifiably so) if I did not. They would wish not have the opportunity to offer support and would feel cheated and deceived if that were not offered to them.