Financial Independence should I get divorced to gain my financial Independence

"I cannot stand being supported by him."
"I just don't like the fact that he pays for everything i'm used to paying half since we met.
If I was on my own then I would have to pay for everthing even if it was from social security then I would feel better (I think)."
No, you wouldn't feel any better because you wouldn't have any more than you have now. You still would have no job, and you would have ALL your bills to pay out of whatever you received in benefits.

"he is giving me what he has left but it is a quarter of what I usually spend I cannot handle it." so what is really bothering you is not being dependent on your husband, but the fact that you now have only a quarter to spend on yourself as you had before. If he gives you what he has left after the bills are paid, he can't be spending much on himself, can he, so he is as badly off as you are.

"after spending all my savings in 2012/2013 to sustain our lifestyle" Perhaps it would have been better to trim down your lifestyle then and keep your savings intact. To late to regret it, now is the time to stop sustaining that lifestyle, and start cutting your coat according to your cloth.

If you love him, now is also the time to discuss with him how you can do this by working as a team to spend your money effectively, not the time to split up and find yourselves not only hard up but also lonely and unhappy. By "your" I mean the money that is in your partnership, and is not "his" or "hers" but "ours".

You are a pair, act as a pair. No need for exact half-and-half divisions between a genuine couple. Yoiu share the good times, you share the bad.

From what you say tippex

maybe find someone who has a bit more bread ...

It seems that you're really more aggrieved at reduced circumstances rather than being reliant on your husband.

This sounds like desperation, tippex50
If you are suffering from depression and having problems coping when you do not have to shoulder the whole domestic burden yourself, how on earth do you think you will cope on your own?
Have you done any sums to assess the practicality of what you are contemplating?
Maybe I could find someone..., this is a joke, or is it? You now add that you feel he has "Used you for money and for sex", really? I am afraid I find this hard to take at face value. You also say you have a chronic condition, does this make you unfit to work? Do you claim JSA or ESA?
The grass is NOT always greener and you could find yourself very much worse off unless you have a sugar daddy in mind and are just looking for peer approval of your plan.

Please, please please contact the Samaritans and don't just speak over the phone but make an appointment to talk to someone in person. They will see the whole person: we are just hearing your voice. I do think you have deep-seated issues that need to be resolved. And they can be. Don't ever give up hope. You can get through this.

If you divorce you may not be able to get a well-paid enough job to support yourself in the style that you seemed to have enjoyed before you became ill.
You may not become financially independent - you would possibly be reliant on benefits and therefore dependent on others.

I think you need some help as suggested by other posters as your thinking seems to be rather confused at the moment.

Good luck

I feel a little " tough love" is ok in some situations and no one is being out of line. The op wants all sides of her situation looked at. We all have her best interest in mind.

I think you should go to the doc and ask for help for your depression. When that is treated, then that is the time to start thinking about how you would like to sort things out with your OH - you cannot do it at the moment. Please go and get the help you need, whether it is a GP appointment or a call to the Samaritans, who really are very helpful indeed.

I think you should speak to your doctor. The menopause could be playing a part in your thinking.

I often wonder about different types of depression, e.g.the sort that comes out of nowhere and for which there is no apparent reason, and the sort which has an underlying cause which can be changed., e.g a demanding elderly parent or nasty neighbours etc. In the case of the latter, I don't see what the doctor can do except offer help with sleeping etc whereas with the former we are talking about medication which can make a real difference.
So while a doctor may be able to help with menopausal symptoms, if the problem is in the relationship, then changing the circumstances will be the only way forward.
I am not necessarily suggesting that this issue is as black and white, but doctors cannot work miracles and Samaritans while they are trained to listen sympathetically and help their caller to come up with their own way through a problem, are not in a position to give advice as to what to do

Samaritans don't give advice in fact - they are a listening ear.

That was my point in my final sentence , Luckygirl, totally agree.

tippex50 I hope you have been able to talk things through with your DH.
I think your statement that he has completely lost interest in you, in all ways, is at the root of your problem and is causing you to feel very bad and to look around for reasons to leave.
If your relationship really has broken down as much as that, it could be better for you to be on your own, even if it is a struggle financially.
I agree with those who have suggested speaking with a Samaritan, to try to sort out how you feel and how you want to go forward. Couples' counselling could also be useful, if it is available.
It could be an idea, also, to get some info from Citizens' Advice Bureau on the practicalities of how you could manage if you decide to leave.
((hugs)) to you.

It sounds like you have had a substantial drop in income over the last few years. This is quite likely to have not only affected your mental health but also that of your husband. You sound depressed. I would suggest you go back to the doctors and discuss your mental health.

You say you are fit enough to work but if you are seriously depressed then the chances are you're not. I don't know how long it is since you worked but if you are unable to work due to mental health issues you may be able to claim ESA.

I suggest that the husband is suffering from feelings of inadequacy as a result of not being able to keep OP in the style to which she aspires. But divorce is not likely to be the answer for either until the matter has been throughly thrashed out. Mediation will doubtless be recommended or possibly required before divorce can be considered.There is no mention of family in the OP, so I assume there are no children or grandchildren.

I am struggling with being financially supported by my husband for the last 2 years.. . . . . Although I love my husband I cannot stand being supported by him. I do not know what to do

I had to read this over a few times to get my head round it. Surely we have all at one time been financially dependent on our partners/husbands, having babies, when the children were small etc?
I always felt that I was in no way living off handouts as my contribution to the household, cooking, housework, laundry, childcare, soothing the fevered brow after he came in steaming after a particularly bad commute (!) was priceless and while just a bit of me felt bad at buying his birthday and Christmas presents from our joint account I knew that it was ours.
I wonder if OP's DH is making her feel that way? If the boot were on the other foot would we not all support our partners?
Or is it just that OP is struggling financially with the status quo?

Divorce is not a practical solution, can anybody say they were financially better off, especially if living off benefits? Houses need to be sold, assets divided, maintenance is not necessarily an option. There have to be deeper reasons for such a major life changing decision.

Sometimes a problem is not exactly what it seems, not to say there is not a problem but financial independence seems the least of it.

I think that once "suicidal" has been mentioned in a post, then we should not go onto the ins and outs of the situation. Offer support yes, but we are not trained counsellors or doctors.

"Suicidal" is a big word.

So are you suggesting that Lucygransnet's post of yesterday afternoon was a polite way of saying back off?
There are quite a few ex-SAMs on GN and they will know that there is a huge difference between looking for a practical solution ( I hate my present circumstances, do I get a divorce?) or "I am at the end of my tether and can't go on". In either case there is a plea for help and I think there have been some positive posts based on the assumption that the former scenario is the case.

Where was suicidal mentioned? I've read the thread again and I can't find it.

Oh for Heaven's sake! It was the last sentence of the OP.

I haven't a clue what Lara's post was meant to say. I found it totally confusing TBH.

Commonsense says this is a problem for trained people, apart from kind support on here.

It's in the last line of the OP, vampirequeen.

It was Lara. Not Lucy.

(There is a difference. All due respect to Lucy of course)

Hi Everyone Sorry if I panicked you all talking about suicide. I do not feel suicidal today it's just every now and again but I am dealing with it.

Thanks for the advice about the samaritans I will ring them when I feel really low again. I forgot about them I was feeling so bad yesterday afternoon.

I did try to talk to the DH last night but we only got so far with the conversation. I am not sure he really want to listen as it got on to him talking about his issues.

I don't have children and in either case no-one can plan for a three year gap in income. Most women even those with children would be working at least part time.

I guess I have f* up and need to get back on track but I cannot see the light at the moment. Meno does not help but I am 5 years into that so I am used to that side of things have all my meds sorted etc.

I have never earnt a lot of money nowhere near what could have been and I really do not want to cut my cloth accordingly that is just sad thinking. I am only 50 not 70 and in either case it's just the principle.

Thanks all of you. I hope you don't mind but I would like to finish this post for now.

Thanks again and yes I will ring the samaritans next time promise.

Glad to hear that you feel a bit better today.

Just one thought - if your OH has "issues" he wants to discuss with you there is something to be said for listening to these as it will open up communication and the possibility of greater closeness in solving the problems that you share. I wish you lots of good luck with your challenges. Just remember that many have been there before you and have found new ways forward, so hang on in there.