need a rant

Are you really "always" cheerful about looking after your wife, Mikey? every moment of every day, even if it has been a hard slog and you have been enable to do anything of your own for a long long time, and your wife has been not only sick but difficult and ungrateful , and you have no-one that you can ask for help or unburden yourself to?

If so, you are a saint and will get your reward in heaven, but support from others can make all the difference to a harrassed carer. Don't condemn anyone for having a bit of a rant occasionally.

Quite! Very harsh Mikey!

Exactly ann. No-one is suggesting that they are not willing to do what is needed, but simply that at times it gets on top of you and here are some nice supportive grans to prop you up.

We are carrying out our vows Mikey I haven't been aware of anyone on here saying they are not. We are however , saying it is not easy. It is in some cases very draining for the carer but they do it , and the fact that they come on here occasionally for a rant AND a bit of moral support from virtual friends means that they do not burden their families and their nearest and dearest with their worries and problems.

That is harsh Mikey. Are you speaking from experience?

i have to say,,i know its hard looking after the other half,but what ever happened to in sickness and health.if its seen as a burden,then it will be,gee whiz,,,,,i love ya as long as your healthy..that isnt love,i look after my wife,its not a burden,,unless i make it one,,,the other gets sick,and where is the focus of our attention,,,on the self,,,,and thats what makes it such a burden,caring aint easy,thats what love is all about,,,,i love you,,,just dont get sick,,

sparkygran are you quite sure your DH couldn't manage the clearing up after dinner sometimes? If the stroke was 22 months ago, and he is recovering well....

Don't mean to speak out of turn. It was just a thought.

Couples are always horrid to each other occasionally - don't beat yourself up. Life is too short and we have to accept that we are only human.

((hugs)) stansgran - but did he deserve it?

We have all been there in better times so don't "beat yourself up" it is upsetting and unsettling though.

I've just been horrid to DH and I have none of your problems dear Gransnetters . I am a horrid person please may I join? Very weepy here

Our own depression is also a problem.I try always to stay upbeat but it isn't easy,my 20mgs of Citalopram daily helps and my GP is happy for me to stay on it.

Depression is a particularly difficult problem for carers to deal with - I hope you enjoy your break janer.

numberplease he is probably depressed and fearful. A little may be down to having got into a habit. You are going to have to tell him in a kind way that you need a bit more help from him.

We are nowhere near as bad as any of you, but DBH has been at home now for four months with depression, he has been trying all sorts of medications and some of them have made him physically sick and ill, also he has slept for much of each day. I have been ill too, so have been very tired, but at least my brain still functions better than his. The stress and strain has been huge, financial worries are starting to rise, and I have also found it very hard to have to spend so much time with him, much as I love him. I am really looking forward to a trip away in a couple of weeks' time, when he will be abandoned in our hotel on his own one night (there will be friends of his there) while I go out for a meal and a girl's night out sleepover with friends in that town. If you don't grab the odd break while you can, you will be ill eventually, too.

Just another thought - are you all getting the benefits and other support you need. I assume you are but please do check. I know money isn't everything but it might buy some extra help if you can get any extra. As always, AgeUk is the place to start!

I'd be hopeless at doing what you all do and I really do admire you.

I'd like to give a huge cheer for all of you coping with being carers.

I think the difficulties must come because caring is what we do naturally and when our OHs need more care it will mostly be incremental and just a bit more of what we do. And, presumably, that is why loopy says that it takes 10 years to realise.

Anyone who needs to off load should do so on here because we know none of you are bad people and feeling guilty is something else we are good at - gransnetters are generally not judgmental. I've seen that with the support I have when I talk about my Mum and about the Idiot.

So, strop, moan, stamp, swear and shout - the rest of us are on your side.

I really do think we should start a Bad People's Club just to keep everyone's spirits up! Hang on in there ladies!

Not a bad person sparky. My DH was treated for prostate cancer last year. For 10 months our lives were a bit of a nightmare. During this time I tried very hard not to get cross with him over anything at all. He was marvellous throughout his treatment, never complaining at all but
obviously having been married for 46 years, there were times when I wanted to scream at him for something or other but I held my tongue as he was going through the mill. Well if you are a bad person then I am too!

Sparkygran
I can understand where you are coming from as well. OH has the classic signs of Aspergers. As if that did not make things difficult enough he had a benign brain tumor removed five years ago and that surgery has left him with other difficulties in behaviour. Nothing spectacular, but for me it is increasingly wearing and I often don't feel or act very charitably. If I tried to be helpful it's seen as being patronising. It does not help one bit that he will not acknowledge having any difficulties as far as he is concerned is that any problems are everyone elses fault.

So a virtual group hug to all of us who are experiencing this. (((hugs)))

girls and a nice big if that helps!
While I would not wish misfortune on anybody it is nevertheless comforting and reassuring to know that others are in the same or a similar boat and that boat is not necessarily a luxury liner! I know too many people who have been very fortunate both with their pension provision and their health, so sometimes I find myself smiling through gritted teeth when I hear about yet another trek in Nepal, walking holiday in Switzerland, Danube cruise, long weekend in Paris, renovation of the gite in France etc etc. Not sour grapes, truly, just a little bit of me says chance would be a fine thing "That must be nice!!"

Anyway, life could be a lot worse and Sod's Law says it probably will be!

Sparkygran you are anything but bad!!! Ditto all of us who are caring in various ways for impaired OH. I was told that as on an aeroplane " Fix your own oxygen mask first*. You must remember that Aggie and go on your holiday with a spring in your step. We can do no good as burnt out resentful wrecks can we? I have just returned from a wonderful two weeks in the US with my brother and SiL which my family persuaded me I should. It has given me such renewed energy and if I do feel niggled about domestic restrictions, I can take refuge in lovely memories. We are only human after all. to all whose partnership has shifted dramatically!

Sparkygran, if you are a bad person, then I am positively evil! I spend most of every day feeling miserable, sometimes crying when I`m on my own. My husband has been passed as clear from everything now apart from his heart attack, and even that the cardiac nurse says he`s doing great. So why does he still play the invalid card? He doesn`t do anything around the house, but he never has anyway. I just can`t seem to help feeling resentful and "put upon", and hoping things will change. Sorry if this sounds self pitying, it probably is.

Very sobering indeed, loopylou. Had an honest conversation with my husband recently about what we both hope and fear for the future. It didn't half take the edge off an anniversary special meal out but was a conversation that needed to happen. Huge respect and admiration to those finding themselves in a caring role. We may sign up for it but I guess its not what any of us hope for.

Particularly empathise with Luckygirl's post. I do not see myself as a "career" but I suppose I am!!
I suspect most of us just "get on with it" don't we?

On average it takes 10 years of being in a caring role before someone recognises themselves as such, whether giving physical, mental, emotional or psychological support or care.

Often it isn't until the carer's own health is affected or they start feeling that they can't cope, that they recognise themselves as such sadly. There are organisations that can offer help and support to unpaid carer's - Carer's UK, Carer's Trust are two.All carers are entitled to an assessment of their own needs (usually accessed via Social Services but often done by Carer's centres), and can access free breaks from the caring role etc.

1 in 4 of us is, or will be a carer, and you save the government more than £850bn a year- more than the total NHS budget....sobering thought, isn't it?