Abandoned

Ive never written on Gransnet before although I often read the chats. But I feel strongly that some people are being a bit hard on Gracesgran for no reason that I can see. The emoticon she used is often used in a jokey way and I didnt read it as an attack on anyone but as a quite reasonable dig at a newspaper. I feel th responses have not been in the spirit of Gransnet which is supposed to be supportive and usually is.
Im lucky n that we have regular family get togethers even if only every fw months and that my daughr and daughters in law regularly phone or text with family news - and my sons too sometitimes but thy are not so informative, its more on the lines of 'We are ok, are you ok? Bye!

KatyK - that is am interesting comment - the daughter made a new friend whose family are rather overpowering, I have seen things like that a few times, in fact it is what may be going on with DD2 at the moment. However I will not enter into a power struggle, I will take my chance when it arises and then see how the land lies.
I refuse to sit back and allow my adult children to control me. I am looking for a new house and a new car and I wont be financing any more cars for them.
SPF

Thank you NudeJude and Ana the link I posted works fine, it's on page one here and the article itself was in last Saturday's Daily Mail.

In my particular case, what was the most hurtful thing was that my DD and I used to do so much together - theatre, shopping, days out etc. This continued even after she had my DGD, the three of us would do lots of things. I was invited to everything. Then suddenly, the year I retired, everything stopped. It wasn't gradual, it just stopped. My daughter made a new friend and her family are rather overpowering and seem to take priority. I am rarely invited to anything and if I suggest us doing something, DD usually has a prior engagement, mostly involving these other people. I have posted about the situation on GN before, but nothing has changed really. I made the mistake a couple of years ago of telling her I felt she thought more of these people than her own family. It was a bad move, things are probably worse now.

I think as grandmothers we have to make ourselves more attractive to visitors and not just expect to be loved for who we once were.

janerowena I have to agree that there are no "rights" in this situation and those that believe they have some may well be achieving just the opposite of what they are looking for. Like your "other" GM I remember going to a party at a friends some years ago. Her mother had just moved into the area so I went over to talk to her. Her "lot" in life was a dreadful one according to her. People had come to visit her when she first moved in but now no one came (her daughter's certainly did). After half an hour I knew why no one visited

It doesn't sound pathetic at all. They are all being very remiss to put it politely, neglecting you when you reach out to them.
It makes me feel lucky that at least one of my 3 daughters & her two children are very much in my life. One of the younger girls (twins) hasn't spoken to me for 4 years and I have never meet her two boys. The other twin has no kids & she & her lovely hubby travel a lot. She accompanied me on a weeks holiday to the sun almost 2 years ago & I've seen her twice since then.

I suppose they don't owe us anything but a sense of duty should be in there somewhere.

There's a famous quote that says, "The more I see of people the more I prefer my dog". Loyal and faithful (maybe considerate also).

Dont let it get to you - just turn up and support them at whatever lessons they are having.

NudeJude, I think you may have a point there!

SPF your first post was very positive, I think as grandmothers we have to make ourselves more attractive to visitors and not just expect to be loved for who we once were.

I hear in my head still one of my own GMs constantly criticising, then complaining that she never gets a visit, and I used to think, what does she expect? Visiting her was a nightmare for everyone. Much beloved GM always had something for us to do when we arrived, new books or a game, anything. Other GM expected us all to sit in a circle and make polite conversation when we really wanted to race around her lovely garden - but she was scared we might break a precious plant. She didn't think our DM was good enough for DF, and made that very clear to me and I knew what she was up to when I was only four and sent to stay with her when DM was ill. As a result, I only visited her out of duty maybe once every two years, whereas I would visit the other far more often. I still miss that grandmother dreadfully, she died twenty years ago. I struggle to remember when it was that the other died, and that says it all, really.

Having just read the article (thanks for the link JamJar1), I don't know quite how to feel. My daughter lives only 200 yards up the road from me, and I'm lucky if I see her once a week sometimes it's as long as 3 weeks between visits. I appreciate that she has her own life and 3 children to look after, but it is very hurtful that she doesn't want to MAKE the time to come and visit, particularly as I'm disabled and stuck in bed a lot of the time. It makes me wonder what I've done wrong, as with my own Mum although I lived about an hour's drive away I would visit at least once a week, and once a month when I was working, raising my own family, and then lived 2 hours drive away, and phoned her every other day without fail.

I hate to say it people, and I know I shouldn't generalise, but I get the impression that we have, by giving our children the things we didn't have ourselves, created a nation of extremely selfish people. I just wonder how they'll feel when their own children show such a lack of care and interest in the people who would do anything for them through pure love?

I wonder if this is a lot about relationships and you cannot really regulate for those can you. Some families are close and some grow up will all sorts of hang ups.

I have one child nearby and we see one another as often as we can although they are very busy. We also talk on the phone most days. I think it makes her drive home less boring . We are very supportive of one another but for various reasons we have had to be so maybe worked that out early on.

I care for my mother who lives a few miles further on than my daughter but that is a more difficult relationship as she feels she should be completely independent. She is lovely and very kind - just hard to help. I have found all sort of ways to sort of slip in help as she has progressively aged and she has done her best not to mind .

My daughter's partners children are also very family orientated and are just beginning to see that their grandparents need help after all the years of running around after them.

On the other hand my son and brother live abroad. My son does keep in touch but we have Facebook and email (which helps with the time difference) whereas my brother does not think about it but we know he cares. He does ring my mother once a week. That is very much a generational thing and I wouldn't ever think to say they have "abandoned" anyone. There is not a lot you can do from the other side of the world.

I find the idea of the article really judgemental to be honest. We have had family members who have tried to say what various members of the family "should" be doing in the past with no knowledge of the circumstances - really what business is it of anyone else's?

SPF Sorry to hear your DD said something so hurtful. I have to say my daughter would never say anything hurtful to me. My problem is feeling left out. I will just have to get over it.

As Grandchildren grow up I expect we will all see less of them.

What gives anyone the right to 'knock' a newspaper, and therby all that read it? sheer arrogance really.

I have loved the times I've spent with the little ones. Often enjoying (messy) stuff their busy mums couldn't fit in/ couldn't face doing with them. But as the older ones grow up it's all starting to change, making a collage of autumn leaves doesn't compete with other attractions! I'm sad about that but its just how life is, nothing stays the same. So I'm determined to squeeze the last ounce of enjoyment from the younger ones and work hard at finding new ways to relate to the teens and tweenies!
As for being confident that the mums and dads will include me in stuff as I get older/ need them more..we'll see!
.

Tigger, I ' am coming from' Oxfordshire. it was not ME that could not find a link, and if you read my comment properly, I was defending the Mail readership!

The link worked for me - the article was actually in Saturday's Mail.

We are in the same boat as trendy gran. We moved near the family - they were keen for us to do so but seem to see them less than when we were 80 miles away. I am lucky that I do not live alone. My DiL's parents already have an established routine and seem to take precedence. Am hoping things will improve with time.

I know Ana but I don't think the link worked probably because it was Mail on Sunday.

I agree with Janer's post. My grandparents moved from Derby (where we lived) to Blackpool when Pop died. Their son, my uncle, lived in Hull. After my grandfather died Mum and Dad went up once a fortnight and my uncle went on the alternate weeks. My Nan never spoke to my Dad on their visits as he once asked if he could put the kettle on!

I must admit I did tell my DD that she must never make the kids come to visit if they don't want to. She really jumped at that "permission"!

I see that while I have not been online the "you hurt my feeling because I read the Daily Mail" camp has had to have its say again.

This is the last I shall say on it (on this thread - if you set one up about the DM I may comment) however often you come back to comment.

I do not like the Daily Mail. This does not mean I do not like people who read the DM - some I will, some I won't. On here I take as I find and, as with normal life some are pleasant and some are not; it doesn't seem to have anything to do with reading the DM.

People comment on the bias of Newspapers and other things about them - poor spelling in the Guardian for instance. It happens. My comment was flippant - some can see that, occasionally any one of us can be a little earnest about the things that matter to us; some people seem to feel being a Daily Mail reader defines them in some way and they do not want that challenged. I did not do so.

I really think there are more important things in life than a sense of humour failure. If you don't think that was the problem and you do think the comment was aimed at you I am sorry you read it that way and felt offended but I really cannot do anything about people who take personal offence from undirected remarks.

My next post will be about those people who are abandoned which is, after all, what the thread is about.

Some time ago I heard a woman journalist saying, on Radio 4, that she would not make teenage children go to see elderly relatives if they didn't want to , citing that the old can be "boring and smelly"! To which John Humphries' reply was "And what if the elderly relatives want to see the teenagers?"
Despite having a close relationship with them when they were younger, when my grandchildren became teenagers they seemed to grow away. However, I'd heard that they return when those years are over and so it has been with my eldest grandchildren. Our relationship is now warm and loving but on a different, more equal footing.
One thing I did do, though, was to invite my 16-year-old granddaughter to Paris for three days. Despite initial worries that she would be bored and that I would find it difficult to find things to talk about, we had a wonderful visit. Time was divided between the sights, a bit of culture and quite a lot in teenage clothes shop and I felt like a teenager myself. I must have done something right because she wants to go again this year!

Hubby and I must be THE luckiest Grandparents alive.
We have the one granddaughter who rings us EVERYDAY or if she is on holiday abroad and cannot contact us that way she will e-mail us. We also have a super d-i-l and a very good son.
After reading the posts on this thread I can very well understand how hurtful it can be especially when you know you have done the best for your children and grandchildren.
I have seen it with my neighbour over the years so we have included him in with any celebrations that we have had which includes Christmas Day. His own daughter rarely comes to see him and its me who has got the doctor into him when he was at deaths door.
I have even heard of daughters who live in the next road to their parents who never call in or pick the phone up to find out how their parents are.
One day they too will wonder why or what they have done to be treated like that by their own offspring.

JamJar gave a link to the article yesterday at 17.17 tigger, if that's what you're referring to.

Family Time? Aren't your parents family?

I bet they would get more visits if they lived by the beach in Spain or a skiing resort in Switzerland.

Parents, if the family live near. Just turn up! Surely can spare time for a cup of tea. You will most likely find then staring at their Ipads, telephones and computers. That is their idea of family time. Go and teach the grandchildren how to have a conversation.