My MIL and DS

I think your first course of action should be to ask your BIL to explain exactly what he meant by his veiled comments.

Or to get DH to have that discussion with his brother.

I agree - don't put up with the 'after she is dead' bit.
With the part that he has told you he has a duty to tell you the rest.
Don't take risks with your child.

I agree with everyone else, you have to confront the brother for the sake of your child.

That is the only thing to do for everyone's peace of mind and the safety of your son. It is your BiL's duty to be honest with you and not hint or prevaricate.

I agree with all the others but you might have to give him a hint that you might know something from your Dh and both of you would have to be aware of the repercussions that could arise. But, until this is sorted you must not leave your son with your MIL! Good luck!

Never make the mistake of leaving her alone with the children. Be prepared to take the blame as being "an over fussy mum ".

Not an easy situation to be in. Take care and stick to your guns. You do seem strong,. Touble is woman like to please everyone. Good luck

Agreed. You need to both ask DH brother what he is hinting at, surely he doesn't what something awful to happen to his nephew? Apart from this awful mystery which needs to be brought out in the open, I wouldn't let anyone near my child who drank to excess. This is going to fester in the family like a cancer unless BiL opens up.

As everyone has already said, you and your DH need to have a frank and honest conversation with your b.i.l.. With such a potentially dangerous situation nothing but the truth will do. Perhaps if your DH were to tell him of his own uncertain memories, it would enable his brother to open up.

There's an awful lot at stake here; the safety and well being of your children and the relationship between their mother and her sons. Good luck.

The issue with having any kind of conversation with bil is we have no contact details for him other than a mobile number which he rarely answers. He refuses to give us his address in case we pass it on to mil (which of course we wouldn't) and he and dh don't have any kind of normal, brotherly relationship. The I'll tell you when she's dead' comment was after DH really pushed for a reason BIL is no contact, about four years ago, and since then if mil comes up in conversation bil just leaves. I can't really.talk to him - I've only met him about 4 times since DH and I have been together!
I really think all I can do, as PP said, is take the flack for being an overly fussy mum re alone time, try to facilitate other contact to make up for it and just silently apologise in my head if we've got this all wrong.

It's so difficult though.

If it did happen, he would know. Highly unlikely it happened when he was so young not to realise and then for it to stop. If she is being judged on the premise that it might have happened, how is that being fair? Get it out in the open and dirt it one way it another.

Agree with all others.It maybe that she was a negligent or drunken Mother, but even if nothing sexual involved, don't take any chances, and find out from BIL as soon as poss.

Is your BiL older or younger than your DH? It is possible that your husband was abused when he was very young, thus the uncertain memories and then your MiL then transferred her attention to his brother and hiis abuse went on longer?

When I was about 6 two minor incidents happened to me that I have no memory of, but I mentioned them to an aunt, who was then looking after me and she told me about them when I was an adult. She took appropriate action at the time. So it is possible to have things happen and for your DH to be uncertain about them. A later, quite separate incident, when I was 10 or 11 I remember quite clearly.

My feeling is that if your BiL is so averse to his mother having any contact with him or knowing where he is, in a way that sounds beyond normal estrangement then there is something deeply wrong about your MiL's beaviour in relation to her children. Could you or your DH discuss the issue with his DF. You obviously have a good relationship with him. Could you discuss with him why the marriage broke down, whether he had had any concerns about his ex-wife's attitude to her children

Perhaps your DH should seek psychological help of some kind. Preferably through the NHS, to make sure he speaks to a psychologist or psychotherapist who does not subscribe to the 'recovered memory' therapy that has caused many problems. Do be aware, however, if he does go down that route, that if there is clear evidence that abuse did occur the therapist is legally bound to report it to the police.

Like others here I wish I could give you clear and certain advice that would supply an answer to your very difficult dilemma. However it does sound as if your MiL also has an alcohol problem, drinking and driving without seeing a problem, suggests a lot of drinking and very poor judgement, and if she pushes too hard you could reasonably use that as a reason for not wanting to leave your child with her.

I think MOnica has a very good point. Do you think your DH is affected by this? If you cannot discuss with FiL or if he doesn't know are there are any other relatives or close friends who your DJH could discuss it with?

Do not feel guilty about not leaving your MiL alone with your child, it is the right thing to do. Let her have supervised contact only.

I think you should do your best to get to the bottom of this as it is also unfair to her if it is something your DH was told years ago and is not true.

It says in OP that BIL is older.

Until this is sorted I'd say to MIL that it's disturbing to you that she drinks and drives, and that you'd be concerned she may take alcohol while caring for ds. She is likely to be offended at this but it may work as a 'holding' exercise.
I am sorry for your situation.

Keep her away from the children - don't leave them on their own with her - just don't do it.

It seems to me to be unlikely that your husband would believe his mum sexually abused him as a child, even if his memories are as you say indistinct. His brother's attitude in refusing to give you his contact details to prevent any risk of his mother getting hold of them is another red flag. CSA within families is often kept secret in the ways you describe,rather than by any overt decision not to confront the truth.
I sympathise with what sounds like attempts to keep the peace but avoid confrontation by your husband but this is neither sustainable nor healthy in the long term.
You and your husband need to discuss this honestly and openly with each other before doing anything else. I don't know whether your FiL was living with his ex wife and sons when the abuse took place, whether he had suspicions etc. It sounds as though you both trust him with your little one so don't suspect he either knew, or was involved in any abuse.
Ideally, you need professional help with all of this. You could phone the NSPCC and arrange a phone consultation with one of the 'experts' in family sexual abuse.
Meanwhile I'd minimise the amount of contact your MiL has with your child. She mustn't be left alone with him. You can use her drinking as an excuse if you don't feel able to be honest with her, or your husband refuses to allow this. It has to be brought into the open though.
I hope you can find a way to negotiate your way through this with your husband.

Thank you for all the advice and replies. It's a lot to think about.

We do absolutely trust fil. He worked away for a lot of DH's childhood; there is no suspicion surrounding him, and he would be utterly devastated if he had any hint that this might have happened to either DH or BIL, and would feel he'd failed to protect them. So dh won't countenance talking to him about it - I have previously suggested. He's not actually BIL's father but brought him up from tiny. He and mil split when she had an affair when DH was about 15.

DH doesn't want to have counselling or particularly to talk about it. He seems to want to bury his head and deflect forever, but he's not bearing the brunt of the constant requests to 'have' DS. I have to say I find that alone really strange

Sorry posted early -

As though I loved my GPs dearly and had a very close relationship with them I didn't really ever spend much time 'alone' whereas she seems to think spending time alone with her GS is essential for them to bond and that I'm being very unfair (because obviously it's me not DH responsible ) in not allowing this. I know every family is different but is it really such a huge thing?

Tbh I'm increasingly struggling to remain polite about the whole thing.

It's also difficult to keep deflecting as she is aware that we could really use the help. I'm a junior doctor and dh is in the emergency services so juggling two sets of shift work with a little one is really tough. She isn't stupid so she knows there's something stopping us jumping at the chance of a bit of help!

If my daughter did not want to leave me alone with one of her kids I would sense that and not ask. I wouldn't ask anyway. DD knows I'd happily babysit and asks for my help when she wants it. What is it with these grabby grandmas (I'll get shot down in flames for that) who don't just accept what the situation is?

You shouldn't be made to feel stressed about your mother-in-law's wants. It's your child. Maybe you should just be blunt and say no thanks, repeatedly. If she wants to feel resentful about that, let her. Your husband obviously would understand. That, and the safety of your child, is what's important.

Horrible situation to be in

PS Maybe you should get your husband to say no rather than you. If something did happen to him, mil will know the reason why he's saying no and may back off.

You must have contact in your job with the professionals in this field, talk to them and see what they have to say. It would put the issue on a professional footing and take some of the emotion out of it. I think then you would be more confident in dealing with it.