Understanding my son's girlfriend

Frannyannie good decision.

I hope the replies have helped Frannyannie , it seems so given the good spirit in which you've received them.
I love dogs and currently have two, in the past I've often had 3. I wouldn't dream of expecting to take my dog to anyone's home without their express agreement.
Now we're out of the risk of cars overheating, maybe you could take the dog, make sure it has a good walk before and after you visit your grandson and in fact, enjoy a day out that includes the dog but doesn't impose on your dil.
Best of luck with all this

Well done Frannyannie If your DIL has read some of the newspaper accounts of children attacked by dogs she is bound to feel apprehensive. First babies are so precious. Give her time and I am sure she will recognise the efforts you are making.

Frannyannie well done, hope it all works out well with your new grandson and that your DIL appreciates that you are making an effort!

I agree with Luckygirl - and we love dogs and have been dog owners.

Well done Franny... 3 of our sons have 2 dogs each. The dogs do not come to our house and no-one is offended.

Bloody iPad really has an inventive turn of phrase.
"Taking " not "taken NT", in the car (not on) etc etc!!

While the first to admit to being "foggy", I did of course mean DOGGIER!!

No one is "foggier" than me, but I would never dream of taken NT a dog with us on daily visits. I am happy to have my "grand dog" here as I know what a baby substitute he is for DD ( as yet) and also it is nice for him to get out of London to the country and a garden he can career around, but do not encourage Sis in law to bring her terrier as frankly Grace would be miserable. When it involves overnight, I would put my dog in kennels, although would love to find an alternative, but I can't understand why so many people insist on taking their dogs around with them!!
Leave him on the car with someone checking on him or walking him at intervals if you must, but you have to respect your DIL's wishes about her own house!
PS if they have free running rabbits, all the more reason NOT to take a dog!!

Frannyannie I take my hat off to you for being able to listen to another point of view and act on it. That is not always easy to do. Respect.

Go and build those bridges and set up a happy relationship with your son and his little family - I send you every good wish for the future.

Not everyone is comfortable with dogs. That is a fact. My DH dislikes them and would not invite anyone round with a dog. I'm not keen on dogs to be honest. Don't mind the soft old ones who sit in a corner but I am very uncomfortable with dogs that jump on me and lick me.

I think she is obviously uncomfortable too.

Well said Frannyannie its nice that someone actually accepts the advice given in the spirit that it was intended and that we did make you 'sit up and take notice'. I hope you have a lovely relationship with your son, dil and new grandchild and maybe eventually even the dog may be included.

Don't you feel guilty TriciaF, I'm the one feeling guilty because I can see I come across as an arrogant, self-centred person in my post. That was never my intention but as a dog owner it is very easy to think that everyone loves dogs but I accept that is not always the way it is. Yes, I guess my dog is indulged because he's a rescue who had a bad start in life. With the kids grown I spend my days with him and in my mind he can do no wrong, but reading your comments has certainly made me sit up and take notice and look at things from another perspective. I'll follow advice and make every effort to see my grandson and build bridges before it's too late. Thanks everyone.

ps So Frannyannie, I agree with those people who say, try to find someone to care for your dog while you visit, and the girlfriend might change in time.

I'm feeling rather guilty reading this, because I used to be a person who didn't like dogs. At one time we lived in the same town as second son and his wife, and they had 3 greyhounds, which I asked them not to bring when they came round for a meal etc.
We had a very small house and hardly any garden at the time. It didn't cause a family breakup.
Since we've now got a lovely dog ourselves, and a bigger house, I don't mind other people's dogs now.

Hear, hear!

Why does your dog have to go with you, when clearly your DDIL and DS don't want it there?
Trying to persist in a 'the dog comes too' stance is quite frankly ridiculous- as is laying the blame on your DDIL.

40 miles is hardly any distance, easily done in an hour or so, surely the dog could stay behind or is it a highly indulged pooch ?

I don't blame your DDIL one little bit; you're in danger of cutting your nose off to spite your face.

PS perhaps a friend who has a dog that also needs a sleepover occasionally so you can help each other out?

We take our dog with us on visits to dog-friendly houses. If this is a day visit then dog ought to be OK for a few hours left alone surely? Is your dog of a size it can use a cat flap perhaps?

As this is likely to be a long term problem you need to find a more permanent solution and the best is a friend who is willing to have pooch stay over for the odd night or so. You don't have to pay them, just invite them round for a meal as a thank you.

TBH I am mind-boggled by this query!

The sheer arrogance of assuming that there must be something wrong with the girl because she does not want your dog in HER house with her new baby; and accusing HER of putting up barriers and not liking you, when you so obviously do not show respect for her opinions - who can blame the poor girl for not liking you?

And if she sees more of her own parents, it might not simply be geographical, but because they treat her with respect.

You really are getting off on the wrong foot here and you will reap the rewards of this folly, unless you rethink before it is too late.

And, whatever you do, do not sound off to your son - they have enough on their plates at the moment and you must not fuel any relationship problems they may be having as new parents. Your needs are irrelevant.

Time for a bit of heart-searching I think if you want to be a part of the new family in the future.

Agree with the last two posts.

I love my dog but don't take her on family visits unless there's an outing like a picnic in the countryside or a visit to the beach. I'm doing a 40 mile family visit tomorrow, allowing 45 minutes each way and a couple of hours at their house. Easily do-able wth plenty of time to spare in case of traffic hold-ups. My dog will have had her walk and be ready to settle down whilst I'm out.

Frannyannie you could surely manage the trip, even if you only had an hour with them?

In with the OP is also the old chestnut of the other grandparents and the time they spend with the child. There is a distance factor involved here as well as the other parents being the maternal grandparents. I think this is a very common and in some ways an understandable thing - go with the flow - be reasonable and as helpful as you can - it does no good at all to let any resentment build up or you become the losers - and in a position you do not wish to be. I understand that everyone who has a dog thinks they are part of the family and think they should always be included but it is still an animal and they can be unpredictable. The mother's choice and I agree with her - just imagine how you would feel if the dog did hurt the child in anyway.

We are a "doggy" family with three of our own and my son and DIL have two, so I totally understand that you would like your dog to be accepted as part of the family, but even given the fact that we love our dogs to bits we bought indoor crates/cages for them to use when the grandchildren were very young, as accidents do happen and one can never tell how a dog might react in a new, unproven situation.
Putting the dogs in their cages initially when the children were around allowed everybody to get used to each other and was for the protection of the children as well as the dogs, as any dog who harms a child, for whatever reason, would have to be put down, and we did not want this to happen.
They are all now as thick as thieves and even our Rottweiler is hugely tolerant of the tiniest child (not that I would ever leave her alone with one despite this), so maybe this is the way forward and you could suggest to your DIL that you bring a crate for the dog next time. This may make her feel safe and allow you to take your dog.

And referring back to your title: you do not have to "understand" your son's girlfriend, you just have to respect her views.