Excluded from daughters wedding

I know how upsetting this can be . My sister got married without telling anyone . My Mum was devastated and it still hurts me 10 years on , I wouldn`t mind but her and her husband are invited to everyone elses wedding because they are both very sociable and good company . At least you know in advance rather than receiving a phone call after as we did .

I understand what you are going through. My daughter was supposed to be getting married this year, for some reason it didn't happen though (not found out what yet) but she uninvited me to it too. I too am a single parent of 14 years and have been extremely close to her when she was at home but over the years since leaving she has distanced herself until she just wants it to be her little family and her friends. She has two sons which I don't now see.

Like yourself, I just wanted to see her on the day, be proud, have her proud of me too for bringing her up but it wasn't to be. It did hurt at the time, some 19 months ago when she obliterated me from her life.

I have just got on with things. Put this behind you, do things for yourself, be kind to yourself, try to get over the hurt this causes. You know that you have done a good job in bringing her up so congratulate yourself on that. She is an independant young woman with a mind of her own in today's world. You have done that, you have made her that person, to think and be responsible for herself, to be an acive person in society. Pat yourself on the back, drink champagne, celebrate yourself and your achievement. Rejoice. You bloody well deserve it!

It sounds like you and your family have had a lot to contend with over the years. Why not write her an email, text or letter and tell her just what you've told us... you would love to see her on her wedding day! Hopefully she will relent even if its just to see her before the ceremony.

I know this is disappointing for you, Louieg and I'm so sorry. (((Hugs!))) But I have to agree with those who say DD and her BF have a right to have the kind of wedding they want. Please try to accept their choice and be happy for them, even if you still feel a little sad for yourself.

Actually, I'm more concerned about the fact that you say you've "never been close" to her or to your sons either. Not sure what you mean by "close," of course. But if your relationship is distant or strained, that's the problem I think you need to be focusing on.

A sad situation for you as we all would love to share in the celebration of our children's marriage ceremony and any party afterwards. Whatever her thinking they want to do this on their own terms.
As parents we are supposed to love our children unconditionally.. tough sometimes... so I think if I were you I would send some lovely flowers or at least a card wishing them all the luck in the world and say i was looking forward to taking them out for a lovely meal soon to celebrate their happiness with them .

Good luck, i hope the hurt stops.

if it helps,,,,,both my daughters had a wedding ,,,,and i wasnt there,,,,,,i had a wedding buisness too,,,,,,,,,,,,,one just cleared off i didnt even know she was getting married and the other one,,,,,well she wanted me and her true father there,,,,,exscuse me,,,,he cleared off when she was a baby,,,,so no thanks i wasnt prepared to play happy families just to keep her happy,,,,they are both divorced now,,,,,,,,,at least you havent had to pay for the wedding,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it hurts i know,,,,,,,,

It is sad but I know some couples who have done that- the difference was that they told people, including parent, afterwards. It would be more upsetting if they had other guests.
I think you just have to make the best of it. Take them out for a special meal, or cook one, at a later date.

I do wish Louieg would get back. Did DD get married?

DD got married than called to tell me. I had pictured her walking up this aisle on her Dad's arm but no, not to be. Dont sent anniversary card. Twin son's was great though.

DD has always made it very clear that should she ever get married (not even faintly on the horizon!) she won't want any fuss etc. She hates being the centre of attention and I'm fully prepared for her to tell us afterwards.

That's totally fine with us, it's her choice and I fully support her decision.

My daughter called me at work and said she had got married. I had picture her walking up the aisle on her Dad's arm. Don't send anniversary cards and feel a bit cheated. Twin son's was lovely though. April 29th.

That's the truth of it, annsixty. Whether a huge affair, if you want and can afford it, or an intimate day for the two of you, I wouldn't presume to call anyone stupid for making their own decisions on their special day.

rosesarered It isn't 'sod everyone else' stuff. You can't put words into a girl's mouth wihout knowing her.

Perhaps they were enjoying being together and just decided to do it and just be by themselves. Its their day. Good luck to them.

My friend and her GD got sucked into all that hype and the result was so over the top.Fortunately they are all,parents and GP's, in a position to afford it but it was showing off to a great extent. The couple had one daughter and it soon transpired she was pregnant again and although it was nothing to do with me I felt the money could have been put to better use, however one can do what one wants with one's own money.

The trouble is Louieg if you'd been formally asked go to the wedding, then they have to have asked the other side. If they asked the other parents, then they have to have asked siblings, and so on and before you know it the intimate affair they want wouldn't be any more.

(If you know the date, you could always gate-crash and slip in at the back)

My two other DC both had small weddings with a lot of help from family - one aunt doing the flowers, another the cake, BiL the photos, etc. And both went wonderfully. The personal touch was a winner. However, there was an horrendous amount of pressure - if this cousin was invited then we should ask that cousin to balance even though they hadn't seen each other for years, so the list grew until it got silly and we shook ourselves and started again.

The brides who find themselves falling for all the wedding hype aren't necessarily stupid. I went to a wedding show with future DiL and her mum. Never again! We soon found ourselves being drawn in to the merry-go-round. It was very innocuous. Looking at small cakes and being persuaded that a slightly bigger one would be much better but not as nice as.... Photographers - H only wanted a few casual pictures and a small family group but within minutes she was looking at possibilities for the whole day. And so on. The ease with which we were being sucked in. I'm completely against the waste of money spent on a single day but I found myself being drawn in. It was terrifying! Luckily we all get on well enough to not worry about keeping up appearances and we quickly backed off!

It IS self centred,....'Mum will get over it?' great!
only stupid brides fall for all that ' special day, you do just what you like and
Sod everyone else' stuff.Only stupid brides spend far more than they can possibly afford on the wedding, and turn into demanding emotional dictators wearing strapless tight white dresses that do nothing for them, and have a tan like they have just been Tango-ed.As Jingl says, self centred feelings are all the rage.

Jings thinks it is being selfcentred - Well if you can't be self centred on your own wedding day when can you be. Its not a crime.
Mum will get over it.

I don't think we who married donkeys years ago can really understsnd what pressure there is now to have that special day. Its big business.

LOUIEG my sister wasn't invited to her daughter's wedding because her DD's F was paying for it on the condition my sister wasn't there, she just went to the ceremony and sat at the back of the church.

I thought it was very cruel of my DN and her F but my sister did say at least she saw her taking her vows.

I do feel for you but as long as she is happy with her new husband that's all you can ask. [ flowers]

I think there are enough drama's in our family to write a couple of books.

I think it's different strokes for different folks! DH and i got married with just two friends as witnesses.

We thought it was a very personal thing and didn't want any fuss.We did tell my Mum the night before though and she looked after my two children, she seemed happy for us, DH's mum was ok with it too. ( don't think they agreed to us living together in sin .

It was my second time (first time had the big white wedding) and it ended in disaster.

I'm glad to say we are still very happy 43 years later! even with more than our fair share of ups and downs.

Our oldest and youngest had big white weddings with us paying for the receptions, and both ended in divorce, our eldest son remarried about 12 years ago with me getting a text to tell us straight after the ceremony from my DDIL, we were very happy for them because they had warned us if they did get married they would just go off and do it quietly which they did, and i'm glad to say they are still still going strong.

We got married at St Pancras town hall 47 years ago. Just us and 6 guests. How you get married really doesn't matter. We didn't invite parents from either side as my dad had said he wouldn't come. On reflection I should have moved the date because then my mum could have come without him. But we all remained friends and none of it matters anymore.

DD2 and her partner of several years (they'd been living together for five) married without telling anyone while we were away on holiday. They felt their vows to be a personal and private thing. They had her sister and SiL's best friend as witnesses and no one else knew until they texted their friends afterwards. Incredibly 40 friends all met them in a Bistro for a 'flash' reception!

I think SiL's mum was rather hurt, but more from the not being told until afterwards rather than the not being invited. We had no problem with it, just glad they'd made their relationship more permanent. They'd been married in all but name for so long anyway.

When we got back all the family (both sides) got together for a posh meal - except for my DS who was working in Antartica - we had a champagne toast and wedding cake. An intimate family celebration. Perhaps that would help sooth the hurt Louieg?

Over 20 years ago my daughter and my SiL married on a Caribbean Island. No family, no friends. I was perfectly content that they had the wedding they wanted. They had friends saying reproachfully 'Not even your mothers?!' I had people gazing at me soulfully murmuring 'Oh, aren't they inviting you?!' Those people simply didn't grasp that I was happy that my daughter had the wedding SHE wanted! Whose day was it anyway?! Not mine!

They made sure I had champagne to share with my uncle at the appropriate time and I made sure there was a cake and bouquet ready when they returned. Simples!

And everyone bakes. So a cake can easily be provided.

etc. etc.

My DS is getting married in a few weeks time and it will be the two of them and two witnesses. They just didn't want a fuss, and want the day to be simple and about the two of them.

I am honestly not offended or hurt. It's their day and I'm delighted for them. But then, my DDs have provided me with three beautiful wedding days and we are a close family, so it's easy for me.

I hope that your heartache eases and you and your daughter can grow closer. For your own peace of mind, please try not to think that they are excluding you, but rather that they are just having the type of wedding day they want.