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Excluded from daughters wedding

(45 Posts)
Louieg Thu 29-Oct-15 15:14:22

Heartbroken - daughter getting married next week, only heard last night. No problem with boyfriend, she wants ' just the two of us'. My only daughter and I'm a widow, her father was a violent bully and killed himself. she's marrying on what would have been his birthday.. I have tried my best to be here for her and my sons but we have never been close. Can't believe I'm so devastated, not bothered about a fancy wedding, just wanted to see her on her wedding day. Am I being unreasonable?

Luckygirl Thu 29-Oct-15 15:19:20

I think that our children make decsions about their weddings that we might not agree with and many of us have had to go with the flow on that.

Not inviting anyone else does seem a bit extreme, but if that is what they have decided, you will not be the only person who will be feeling miffed.

If you have "not been close" and she has experience of difficult family relationships with a violent father, that might explain it a bit.

I do not think there is anything you can do but bite the bullet and try to come to terms with it. I wish you luck with this.

hildajenniJ Thu 29-Oct-15 15:31:59

Oh how upsetting. I felt the same on my DD's wedding day. She and her partner went to Scotland and were married, just the two of them, but my DD was pregnant and couldn't wear her wedding dress. She still has it, and after four children, it still fits. She still wants to wear it and have her vows blessed, but when is the question.

KatyK Thu 29-Oct-15 16:14:50

No you are not being unreasonable. How sad.

kittylester Thu 29-Oct-15 16:31:24

Difficult problem. sad

We weren't invited to DD3's wedding because she didn't want to be the centre of attention or so she said. Actually, her soon to be ex husband DID want to be centre of attention and his friends all went with them to York to be married. However, DD's fabulous friend said 'I'm not having that' and went and gatecrashed the service and has been a rock for DD since it all fell apart.

aggie Thu 29-Oct-15 16:38:12

DD1 got married while on hols and rang me after the event ,DD2 booked a venue and reneged leaving me to cough up for the deposit as she "forgot" to cancel DD3 had the full works , Dad gave her away lovely reception , however we are all chums and it is water under the bridge smile

lonniefrances Fri 30-Oct-15 10:08:09

Slightly different but one of ours got married abroad, a lot of the family went but we just could not afford it.

LullyDully Fri 30-Oct-15 14:09:27

Friends of mine in 1970 just went into town and got married, taking witnesses off the street. It seemed romantic when I was young but now see it from the parent's point of view.

You don't need a big wedding but parents should be there all being well between both sides.

harrigran Sun 01-Nov-15 11:01:51

I know a few people who did not invite their parents to their wedding, just didn't want the big fuss. I threatened to go and get married without guests, my father offered to give me the money but mother said that she would not allow it. In reality she could not have stopped me as I was 21 but it would have made for years of misery with her carping.
People have their own reasons for wanting to keep their wedding to themselves, respect their wishes.

rosesarered Sun 01-Nov-15 12:57:35

If anyone has been a good Mother, then this is the saddest thing ever, and I cannot understand it at all.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 01-Nov-15 13:05:44

You say you were never close. Why not? I cannot imagine anyone being "not close" with a daughter. Or a son for that matter. You must have been close once. When did it start to go wrong?

Marian1412 Sun 01-Nov-15 13:58:41

I was one of the witnesses at a good friend's wedding who wanted it to be just the two of them. This was 30 years ago and they are still happily married. My friend's mother was a widow and my friend was an only daughter and I remember it being painful for her mother at the time. The best thing is to accept it and let her know that you are happy for her and always there for her.

Matella Sun 01-Nov-15 16:05:24

I don't think children can truly feel how much they hurt their parents until it happens to them and even then I think they still believe their circumstances are some how worse.
Sorry you are in this sad situation. I hope that afterwards you can somehow achieve a closer relationship with your daughter. Chin up. flowers

stillhere Sun 01-Nov-15 16:09:37

I didn't want any fuss 2nd time around, my mother was relieved not to have to go! MiL however was not quite as happy, especially when BiL went and did exactly the same thing.

Many factors come into it. The thought of trying to arrange it all at the time, for lots of people, is quite overwhelming, and if your DM, like mine, or MiL, is not good at organising and neither are you, then it is just too stressful to contemplate. My own DM remarried when I was 30 and she didn't tell us, either.

I would be perfectly happy for my DCs to marry without inviting me. I love them to bits, but don't want them to have a marriage starting out with a monstrous loan. Even a small wedding can still be horrifically expensive for all attendees, let alone those getting married.

MargaretX Sun 01-Nov-15 16:53:36

I think two people can have the wedding that they want. Actually it is more sign of two committed people than a show off wedding for 100 people.

I belong to family including myself who had small weddings and not a white strapless dress in sight. We can't live their life nor do they owe us the pleasure of being a guest at this precious moment. Some love a crowd looking on and others want it private.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 01-Nov-15 17:56:40

Yes. Self-centredness is the in thing at the moment. hmm

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 01-Nov-15 17:58:38

Doesn't have to be a special frock, least of all a strapless one. And certainly not 100 guests. But your Mum?! That's a bit different.

Nonu Sun 01-Nov-15 18:08:56

My youngest D/D married in Las Vegas about 4 weeks ago.
It was just sheer bliss .
Just immediate family.
No party when they got home.
I believe they should do exactly what they want to.
Who are we to interfere TBH.
Basically we are bystanders.

stillhere Sun 01-Nov-15 18:10:38

No, I don't agree re the self-centredness, it's just the changing times and pressure from your peer group. It's not as if many brides now marry from their childhood home anymore, and also many of them do pay for their own weddings, so therefore feel quite reasonably that they can have an event with friends rather than family, if that's what they would prefer. I know how close you are to your family jings, but not every family is that close.

My niece said she had no idea what would be expected of her until she started trying to organise her wedding, friends started saying 'but of course you have to have an expensive gift for everyone, toys to amuse any children, entertainers, photo booth, guest's book, etc. etc. etc.' It's enough to make anyone want to elope.

Which is really what is happening. The thought of all the fuss and bother makes people elope, not that they don't love their family.

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 01-Nov-15 18:20:15

But you can have a small wedding. A few friends of the lifelong kind, and close family. And a nice outfit from Marks and Sparks. And everyone knows someone with a good camera these days, so that's one expense less.

Maggiemaybe Sun 01-Nov-15 18:21:21

My DS is getting married in a few weeks time and it will be the two of them and two witnesses. They just didn't want a fuss, and want the day to be simple and about the two of them.

I am honestly not offended or hurt. It's their day and I'm delighted for them. But then, my DDs have provided me with three beautiful wedding days and we are a close family, so it's easy for me.

I hope that your heartache eases and you and your daughter can grow closer. For your own peace of mind, please try not to think that they are excluding you, but rather that they are just having the type of wedding day they want. flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Sun 01-Nov-15 18:21:43

And everyone bakes. So a cake can easily be provided.

etc. etc.

Elrel Sun 01-Nov-15 19:00:06

Over 20 years ago my daughter and my SiL married on a Caribbean Island. No family, no friends. I was perfectly content that they had the wedding they wanted. They had friends saying reproachfully 'Not even your mothers?!' I had people gazing at me soulfully murmuring 'Oh, aren't they inviting you?!' Those people simply didn't grasp that I was happy that my daughter had the wedding SHE wanted! Whose day was it anyway?! Not mine!

They made sure I had champagne to share with my uncle at the appropriate time and I made sure there was a cake and bouquet ready when they returned. Simples!

NfkDumpling Sun 01-Nov-15 19:57:11

DD2 and her partner of several years (they'd been living together for five) married without telling anyone while we were away on holiday. They felt their vows to be a personal and private thing. They had her sister and SiL's best friend as witnesses and no one else knew until they texted their friends afterwards. Incredibly 40 friends all met them in a Bistro for a 'flash' reception!

I think SiL's mum was rather hurt, but more from the not being told until afterwards rather than the not being invited. We had no problem with it, just glad they'd made their relationship more permanent. They'd been married in all but name for so long anyway.

When we got back all the family (both sides) got together for a posh meal - except for my DS who was working in Antartica - we had a champagne toast and wedding cake. An intimate family celebration. Perhaps that would help sooth the hurt Louieg?

Humbertbear Mon 02-Nov-15 07:36:43

We got married at St Pancras town hall 47 years ago. Just us and 6 guests. How you get married really doesn't matter. We didn't invite parents from either side as my dad had said he wouldn't come. On reflection I should have moved the date because then my mum could have come without him. But we all remained friends and none of it matters anymore.