sad..

It may not be intentionally unkind, just immature. You've made huge efforts today and deserve to sleep well tonight. You had a good evening giving GD the love and attention she needs. You also, apparently, had a good open discussion with OH.
Try to relax, at least physically, if you can. I've found meditation can sometimes give me a distance from problems.
When he does return don't question him, stay calm and wait for him to tell you what happened to him. He may be feeling guilty so don't offer opportunities to row about his behaviours in the early morning.
Just a few quick thoughts, hope some might be helpful.Take care, thinking of you.

I think he was more upbeat as he was going out,he appears this way before he goes it feels as though he cannot wait to get out maybe his depression is a case of guilt and he is hiding something..his behaviour is leading me to believe he is not being truthful and although I am trying to keep an open mind this makes me suspicious as it is starting to happen on a regular basis ...I have no way of contacting phone is switched off and no idea where he is ..this is killing me,I just dont know what to do or believe,this is like being on an emotional rollercoaster,and I am longing for peace of mind,when I was deeply depressed I still had regard for others

I am not sure if I am being taken for a mug GD and sons GF think I am.
He left to go to the cinema at 5,50 to travel to kings lynn to meet friend,he assured me he would ring me when he arrived ..he did at 6.30 ...I dont know which cinema he has gone to ...I wasnt given a straight answer....double bill apparently.....I realised I had left my bag in the car ,Itried to ring phone straight to voicemail...he said he would text when leaving to come home...it is now 01.30 ...phone still straight to voicemail..I am sitting in bed stomach in knots not knowing what to believe..wanting to believe the best of him but fearing the worst...how far does my supporting have to go if he is not working with me,surely if he is able to go out and have enjoyment his depression cannot be as bad that he has no respect in reassuring me of his whereabouts unless he has something to hide...he spent all night out tuesday,and has been out every weekend for the last month on another occasion until 12.45 with no satisfactory or provable answer..trust is important but I am finding it hard to be positive when so little regard for my feelings are taken into account,if he is well enough to be out enjoying himself surely he is able think of the effect of pushing his luck.I am just sitting unable to sleep or read stomach in knots mind racing unable to relax,just straining to hear the car ..just waiting... I am so lonely and confused I dont know what to think...this just feels so cruel and deliberate

down I cant add anything to whats already been said, but feel you sound more positive in your later posts, please know we are all here for you and pm any of us if you need us, {{{hugs}}}

It sounds as though you are bravely girding up your loins and getting stuck in to look at ways forward. Well done you.

Both your DGD and your OH are receiving loud and clear the message that you love both of them, that but your needs are also in the equation - keep up the good work!

Nothing more I can add, but wish I was there to give you all big (((hugs)))

Sounding a bit more positive down

thank you so much for all your warmth and sincere comments they are so much appreciated the support and common sense replies are needed to help me deal with my jumbled confused thoughts..

update from today OH came home from work a bit more positive and we have talked yet again,this morning whilst he was out I googled symptons of depression in men..text book even to the out of character behaviour,we shared this by looking together and he feels relieved that I believe how he feels and he has documented symptons,the restlessness and the need to be out of the home.He has said it is in his nature to be the carer and at the moment he feels he is failing and he dosent like to me in such pain when he cannot help me as well as himself,he has assured me that no third party is involved and that he wants to stay with me...while he is out I am spending the evening with E who has been a trooper in comforting me,but notso happy that we are talking however we are having pizza and girly time to let her know she is equally treasured by me but on a more adult basis as some of her observations have been very observant and mature...his friend is polish and his girlfriend dosent speak english and he gets fedup keeping up translation and it would be uncomfortable he says, as I have suggested this already. I guess tomorrow is another day and I will try and take that as it comes

Same from me!
Good to read such positive and thoughtful observations and suggestions here. All of you need peace, calm, love and time to gradually heal, thinking of you.

downtoearth I can't add anything to what others have said but I am sending you a very big (((hug))).

I think a combined, huge cuddle from everyone on grandsnet is called for. Stay strong.

Heavens dte - of course you need a cuddle - and here comes one, winging its way to you over the ether. Just hang on in there - you have weathered so much and you will weather this too. Stay talking to us please.

downtoearth I'm so very sorry to read about your troubles. There's nothing I can add to what's been said but I just wanted to let you know that I'm holding you in my thoughts.

I sincerely hope that things improve for you.

downtoearth, I can see that your OH has a hard time living with two very damaged individuals; and that you have a hard time reconciling the mutual distrust and dislike between the two people you love most of all; and that your DGD has all the woes of being a teenager and the baggage she carries from her early childhood onwards. I don't think I could imagine a more distressing scenario if I tried. I can see that it is appallingly wearing on all of you and not surprising that it appears to be reaching breaking point. What kind of help is available? Family therapy and/or relationship counselling would help if all three of you were agreeable to it. If I could give you that much-needed cuddle I would be there on your doorstep. Failing that, ((((hugs)))) from me and x x x x

downtoearth I have come late to this thread and having read through it, and all your posts, I feel so desperately sad that you find yourself in this situation. I wish I had some wise words of advice, but really I can add nothing to the very helpful posts above. I hope you and your OH - and your GD as well - find a way through this terrible time. You have all been through so much and deserve to have a break from all the angst. In the meantime, keep posting here and try to stay strong. (((hugs))) and for you.

thanks Ann just indulging at the moment ..the laugh is I was a worker in one of those voluntary groups when I had to give up due to location my expenses sometimes came to nearly £200 a month in petrol and parking and I just couldnt afford the intial outlay and wait a month to get back..also OH had to then use car as self employed at the time as the location was off the beaten track....there is a limited service flexi bus pre book up to three days in advance with limited places...as yu can guess there is a mass exodus from the village stand back or get killed in the crush....I have just realised how low I have got myself and my problems got masked in the caring everyday of my family and their needs,I am visiting GP with OH monday to discuss his progress with meds I will see if increasing my medication is an option although I have been on meds for anxiety and depression it was thought better that my escitalopram was lowered to 10 mg as there are risks involved with older patients,I also take 80mg of propranolol which is a beta blocker its just holding panic attacks at bay...sense of humour still there just hiding behind the clouds at the minute....I never thought I would say this my relationship with mum was difficult but I so desperately could do with a cuddle saw a grey head and lilac jumper while watching a talk about miss savidge moves house it reminded and was nearly my undoing in public

downtoearth, I'm so sorry to hear of what you're all going through just now. Having been an original member of GN, I remember reading some of your earlier threads and found myself thinking what a strong person you have been to have dealt with so much. Teenagers can be foul at the best of times. My own DD and my OH, who isn't her biological father, had a terrible relationship, and the fighting and arguing that went on was really bad. At one point I phoned the Samaritans, not because I was suicidal, but because I had no-one to ask for help in how to cope with it all (I wish GN had been there in those days!) I realise now, that DH and DD were probably fighting over me, though. They both wanted me to show that I loved them more than the other.
Is there any way that, instead of your OH going out to play cards, that you could invite his pal and the girlfriend over to your house for an evening?
Keep posting, and try to stay focused. You've come through such awful stuff, bless you.

Please don't feel guilty about feeling sorry for yourself. You are dealing with a situation we all would find it almost impossible to deal with. You have been very brave posting this and you have been very brave all these years. I really can't think what will help except to say you are in so many peoples thoughts and we are willing for a good outcome for you. Are SS 's involved with your family? Are there any voluntary groups which could help with transport etc or are you too rural for that? Is your GP able to put you in touch with anyone who may help? I know from some of your posts that you have a sense of humour , whilst it won't help now, just keep it alive for better times.

You know we are all here down. Your situation sounds awful so do keep talking to us. I can't offer you anything but (((hugs))) but have as many of those as you need.

RWthe best move for us would be to the nearest market town of swaffham where there are better transport connections within walking distance and we are on the council exchange list for home swap,not many people want to come to our village...cant think why lol,we keep looking but at the moment any more than dealing with today would be a step too far for OH to deal with with all the stress involved we have had to move 9 times since we have been together and we thought this would be our forever home..he is making no promises or commitments and has asked me to not to put pressure on him and allow him to recover in his own time,so I am afraid that a move would not help him but would benefit us,money would dictate that this would be self removal and we just dont have that, we barely have enough money to live..which again he feels he is a poor provider these are problems I have tried to deal with on my own which has caused me to be snappy and miserable and sick with worry,which has pulled him down...I also have worries about my only surviving child a son who like me is greatly damaged because of the his sister to suicide and his best friend the same way shortly after...he s retreating from lifes relationship after several traumatic relationships one of which his child was aborted,and also my first child another sister died as well....god this feels such a mess and sometimes to much to cope with......sorry feeling sorry for myself now

dte on the housing/isolation front - I know why you were moved to such a quiet remote place but now that your GD's needs have changed can you investigate the possibility of the authorities relocating you to say the nearest town? Not a complete uprooting but more in tune with your and her needs. She is a special case.

As GD is mixed-race she might benefit from such a move - can't be easy for her living so rurally.

thanks every one for the warm messages and support..stb He needs to get out on his own he says its a way of getting outside his head and to stop feeling claustrophobic.GD is 16 but had a very traumatic childhood and is damaged by experiences she had she will not stay home on her own as she is scared of the dark,she will not bring friends in as this her territory and place of safety and does not want them here she goes to friends,however we live in a village with no means of escape after lunch time as there is no return,we only have and can barely afford the one car we do have,I am making every effort to get involved with interests of my own,and generally am not a needy person...we had to leave our roots behind and start afresh and secrecy because we had to be in hiding meant it was difficult to forge friendships,and even harder now as we are still outsiders....I am fighting tooth and nail to keep this lovely man and support him,unfortunately we have had many years of stress that has taken its toll on both of us.

downtoearth I wrote a long post ages ago which has disappeared!
However you've had lots of good advice and support from Luckygirl and others, so I will send ((((hugs)))) and best wishes for little nellie. I hope things get better for you all. Chin up love xxx

When he goes out, could you not go out too? As a couple?
Your GD is 16.

Personally I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep the relationship going with your OH.

He has suffered and put up with a great deal. He needs your support big time.