sad..

I'm so sorry that life looks so bleak right now. It's easy to see why with all the problems you've had to cope with during your relationship. But you've made it this far - and many flounder for far smaller problems - so don't give up just yet.

Obviously you can't walk away from your GD - how old is she? - but if the relationship between her and your OH is at the centre of the problem wouldn't family counselling be an idea? GD is understandably angry at losing her mum in an awful way and obviously making your OH her scapegoat. Who knows what she thinks? It's worth a try.

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this sad situation and can really offer you no solution,If a magic wand would work I would wave it. Depression is so hard to deal with for sufferer and carer,but when you both have it support is so hard.I also know first hand what a desruptive teenager can do to a family especially when one isn't a blood relative.I can only hope that support from professionals may help although,again from experience, they don't know all the answers,only those which come out of a textbook. You have both had the sort of problems many of us would never experience in several lifetimes and I send very heartfelt good wishes that you find some way of overcoming them.To lose the one you love through no fault by anyone must be unbearable.

Gd is 16 and has just started college ,she does have an attitude and is very sarcastic and outspoken which caused many problems a school and in general with friendships etc.GD has had counsellng on and off for many years but as she is getting older her she speaks as an adult,I know she would be happy if he is not in my life and has worked on any cracks she has seen appearing,she is in general angry young person and I do worry as she has seen her own father bully and beat my daughter ,the bullying domineering attitude is a trait on her paternal side (she is white/African mixed race)
I feel so pulled down by all of the rows and having reached a milestone myself of retirement have allowed myself to become stressed and snappy,we are isolated in a village limited bus links and money is so stretched and tight,she constantly wants money as there arent any jobs available and even if she helped me I couldnt give her anymore than I do,having said that her demands only appear worse because I do not have it,she is not excessive,but also the contstant disrupted meals and taxinig is taking its toll,and I fear that my own mental state will deteriorate as I havent been able to grieve properly for my daughter. GDhas been with us since she was 4

You have so many problems on your plate, that I am not surprised that you feel depressed - and your OH too.

Teenagers are a challenge at the best of times, but this lass has good reason to feel stroppy - life has thrown some serious problems her way at a time when she is too young to even begin to deal with it.

Just one thought....I get the impression that she is trying to part the two of you, and trying to push a wedge between you. This is her way of trying to keep some sort of control over a life that has been fraught with bad things happening about which she could do nothing. It seems important for you not to allow her to do this - it is bad for her and bad for both of you.

While she is out one day, could you try and sit down with OH and determine that you will present a united front to her - that you will support each other and make supportive remarks to each other in presence of GD. That way she will know that she does not have the power to pull you apart. Young people want power, but also fear it, so this ill help her too.

It sometimes helps to write it all down - e.g. you and OH make a list of the things that GD does that drive a wedge between you. You then know what you are tackling and can be more systematic in your approach.

However irritating teenagers are, underneath it all they are crying out to be loved, helped and supported - as I am sure that you have done over many years, but they always want more. It is worth remembering the little child inside her when she is being particularly difficult.

You do need some help with all of this, and it might help to go to your GP and say that you need more than just pills - you need counselling. If he cannot arrange something to suit you, then many areas have private counselling services that do not charge for those on a low income.

I hope that you will find some way through all this. Keep posting on here - there are lots of grans here who helped me through a severe depression earlier this year and I am sure they will do the same for you.

thank you lucky we have sat down and talked about this and presenting a united front but he is also guilty of speaking before he thinks and can be overly critical of her,he has no children of his own,never wanted any got me and a ready made family,not only baggage but bloody bit suitcases,so he hasnt the patience or understanding a biological parent may have or the overriding love that helps at best he likes her,however they have one thing in common ..me,which has a source of friction for both of them.
we are still talking and every day I am in state of anxiety as to wether he will come home,tuesday night he spent the night in an all night tesco car park in the car with the phone switched off after yet another row with me.
He, and I believe no one else is involved,has been going out to spend time out of the home he says he dreads coming home because of the constant tension...funnily enough GD says the same but feels like she is treading on eggshells.He suffers from a learning difficulty with severe dyslexia and isnt very articulate and dosent commincate easily,he is very private and is unable to express his feelings I want to save this relationship as he is my best friend and soul mate he has always been very intuitive and sensitive when I am having a problem.Now he wants to shut himself away and my constant looking for reassurance and cuddles are a source of irritation for him,we have always been cuddly with each other

I can see his difficulty if he is someone who has never had children - this must feel very hard to deal with. Teenagers can be pretty dire!

If it has got to the point where he is ducking out of it all in order to keep sane, then there really is a case for some sort of family counselling - would he agree to this do you think? I understand that this might feel threatening to him if he is not used to expressing his feelings.

I wonder if your DGD needs to know that you both value your relationship and that you are not willing to let her come between you - by saying this outright.

Is there a student counsellor at her college who could be approached?

Can you analyse what it is that you row about? - e.g. on the night he spent in a Tesco carpark, what had triggered the row?

Don't give up - this too will pass. Your DGD will be off and away to lead her own life soon.

As always Lucky has wise advice! You have weathered a lot together down and come through things. Try to be gentle with each other and use us as a sounding board! (((hugs)))

That is a very important point Luckygirl children will leave home one day and if you can ride it out it is vital that you do or you and your OH will be alone and it will be too late to mend fences.

downtoearth I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low - hardly surprising given the stress you are under.

I don't think I can add anything more useful than many of the above comments, which I hope will help you.

I hope things soon settle down for you all.

I'm really sorry that you're all in so much pain - hardly surprising considering all that's happened.

The three of you are in a difficult place and are having to relate to each other in ways that are not the 'natural' order of things.

I can't add any more than to echo Luckygirl's wise and informed advice, just wanted to wish you well.

I can't add anything to the advice above, downtoearth but surviving the horrors of the stroppy teenage years sometimes feels that there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It's important to think about yourself and your OH. You've had a long relationship which is worth cherishing and as others have said, your DGD will one day leave home. Does she have a regular boyfriend? A happy teenage relationship can sometimes work wonders with their moods.

I hope things improve for you soon.

thank you all for your advice and help and support...the row was regarding the constant looking for ways to be out,he had wanted to play cards after work with the man friend and his girl friend,this friend is younger and has been inviting him out several times a week and I am not included but the girl friend is,this has been totally out of character and with the change in his personality I asked if he was seeing someone..which as woman is a natural reaction,and the going out has been a very sore subject as I didnt know what was happening,he hadnt said that he felt ill and this was his coping mechanism as he hasnt had depression before was knocked for 6 by it,we are talking at least and I will try to understand this need in him.we have both said we find all the rows upsetting and stressful,and I have spoken to E abouth how important it is for me to have him in my life if not hers...she dosent have a boyfriend because of DV with her father her relationship other than friends with boys hasnt occurred yet,I do wonder how this will affect the choices she makes with her sexuality/choce of partner...for the time being B s at least talking and willing to try but cannot guarantee the outcome as he is so confused ,I know changes will have to be made to have a calmer atmosphere and as long as he is truthful about whereabouts and his need to get out apart from that he has he male idea of main bread winner providing for us he dosent feel that he is,which is absolutely not true he is a hard worker and does his best and has always been so generous of his love time and money......I miss him so much

Let us hope that you and he will be back to your former closeness soon - just keep calm and make sure he knows how important he is to you, and that you understand the pressure of living with a teenager who is acting out a bit. He needs to know that she does not take precedence.

Teenagers love the drama of creating mayhem - but underneath they are just confused. Gosh - I would not want to be a teenager again!

Personally I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep the relationship going with your OH.

He has suffered and put up with a great deal. He needs your support big time.

When he goes out, could you not go out too? As a couple?
Your GD is 16.

downtoearth I wrote a long post ages ago which has disappeared!
However you've had lots of good advice and support from Luckygirl and others, so I will send ((((hugs)))) and best wishes for little nellie. I hope things get better for you all. Chin up love xxx

thanks every one for the warm messages and support..stb He needs to get out on his own he says its a way of getting outside his head and to stop feeling claustrophobic.GD is 16 but had a very traumatic childhood and is damaged by experiences she had she will not stay home on her own as she is scared of the dark,she will not bring friends in as this her territory and place of safety and does not want them here she goes to friends,however we live in a village with no means of escape after lunch time as there is no return,we only have and can barely afford the one car we do have,I am making every effort to get involved with interests of my own,and generally am not a needy person...we had to leave our roots behind and start afresh and secrecy because we had to be in hiding meant it was difficult to forge friendships,and even harder now as we are still outsiders....I am fighting tooth and nail to keep this lovely man and support him,unfortunately we have had many years of stress that has taken its toll on both of us.

dte on the housing/isolation front - I know why you were moved to such a quiet remote place but now that your GD's needs have changed can you investigate the possibility of the authorities relocating you to say the nearest town? Not a complete uprooting but more in tune with your and her needs. She is a special case.

As GD is mixed-race she might benefit from such a move - can't be easy for her living so rurally.

RWthe best move for us would be to the nearest market town of swaffham where there are better transport connections within walking distance and we are on the council exchange list for home swap,not many people want to come to our village...cant think why lol,we keep looking but at the moment any more than dealing with today would be a step too far for OH to deal with with all the stress involved we have had to move 9 times since we have been together and we thought this would be our forever home..he is making no promises or commitments and has asked me to not to put pressure on him and allow him to recover in his own time,so I am afraid that a move would not help him but would benefit us,money would dictate that this would be self removal and we just dont have that, we barely have enough money to live..which again he feels he is a poor provider these are problems I have tried to deal with on my own which has caused me to be snappy and miserable and sick with worry,which has pulled him down...I also have worries about my only surviving child a son who like me is greatly damaged because of the his sister to suicide and his best friend the same way shortly after...he s retreating from lifes relationship after several traumatic relationships one of which his child was aborted,and also my first child another sister died as well....god this feels such a mess and sometimes to much to cope with......sorry feeling sorry for myself now

You know we are all here down. Your situation sounds awful so do keep talking to us. I can't offer you anything but (((hugs))) but have as many of those as you need.

Please don't feel guilty about feeling sorry for yourself. You are dealing with a situation we all would find it almost impossible to deal with. You have been very brave posting this and you have been very brave all these years. I really can't think what will help except to say you are in so many peoples thoughts and we are willing for a good outcome for you. Are SS 's involved with your family? Are there any voluntary groups which could help with transport etc or are you too rural for that? Is your GP able to put you in touch with anyone who may help? I know from some of your posts that you have a sense of humour , whilst it won't help now, just keep it alive for better times.

downtoearth, I'm so sorry to hear of what you're all going through just now. Having been an original member of GN, I remember reading some of your earlier threads and found myself thinking what a strong person you have been to have dealt with so much. Teenagers can be foul at the best of times. My own DD and my OH, who isn't her biological father, had a terrible relationship, and the fighting and arguing that went on was really bad. At one point I phoned the Samaritans, not because I was suicidal, but because I had no-one to ask for help in how to cope with it all (I wish GN had been there in those days!) I realise now, that DH and DD were probably fighting over me, though. They both wanted me to show that I loved them more than the other.
Is there any way that, instead of your OH going out to play cards, that you could invite his pal and the girlfriend over to your house for an evening?
Keep posting, and try to stay focused. You've come through such awful stuff, bless you.

thanks Ann just indulging at the moment ..the laugh is I was a worker in one of those voluntary groups when I had to give up due to location my expenses sometimes came to nearly £200 a month in petrol and parking and I just couldnt afford the intial outlay and wait a month to get back..also OH had to then use car as self employed at the time as the location was off the beaten track....there is a limited service flexi bus pre book up to three days in advance with limited places...as yu can guess there is a mass exodus from the village stand back or get killed in the crush....I have just realised how low I have got myself and my problems got masked in the caring everyday of my family and their needs,I am visiting GP with OH monday to discuss his progress with meds I will see if increasing my medication is an option although I have been on meds for anxiety and depression it was thought better that my escitalopram was lowered to 10 mg as there are risks involved with older patients,I also take 80mg of propranolol which is a beta blocker its just holding panic attacks at bay...sense of humour still there just hiding behind the clouds at the minute....I never thought I would say this my relationship with mum was difficult but I so desperately could do with a cuddle saw a grey head and lilac jumper while watching a talk about miss savidge moves house it reminded and was nearly my undoing in public

downtoearth I have come late to this thread and having read through it, and all your posts, I feel so desperately sad that you find yourself in this situation. I wish I had some wise words of advice, but really I can add nothing to the very helpful posts above. I hope you and your OH - and your GD as well - find a way through this terrible time. You have all been through so much and deserve to have a break from all the angst. In the meantime, keep posting here and try to stay strong. (((hugs))) and for you.