sad..

If in doubt, buy chips!

On a more serious note....If you put some distance between you, you may find you develop a solid and supportive relationship based on the friendship that has built up over the years.

I know quite a few people who get on really well with their ex's once they are no longer struggling with life's burdens under the same roof.

Does he like fishing?

I'd lose my sanity if it weren't for DH's lovely friends taking him to the day centre local fishing lakes once a week.

It's bliss to have the whole day to myself even if he is a tired, hungry, grumpy old git when he returns.

DTE you will come to a decision that's right for you I'm sure. You're a tough cookie really.
Just consider how much calmer your life would be without him and your dgd at each others throats and how much better her behaviour may become too.
You deserve some respect from him which he isn't giving you at the moment.
(((Hugs)))

You really don't want him under your feet all the time. You need time to do/watch girlie things with DGD.

Enjoy your walk be it solitary or with OH

Actually, reading this through, he is beginning to sound like most blokes. DH included.

Has he got any hobbies? Can't you start him on some? Something that will get him out with some mates? Buy him a model airplane kit? Or something. See what clubs there are near you? They need to get out with their mates. We need them to. If it's only card playing, then so be it. Encourage him to go out on his own.

thank you all so much for allowing me to get this in perspective and I truly value each post I dont want to burden GD with all this although she is aware that sometimes adults are sometimes lost for an answer and need help to work out their problems but this should not continue to be her problem..she has enough of her own just being a teenager

sense of humour now returning I am fed up with being pathetic thats exactly the point I have made Lucky have given him food for thought wether he eats or not is up to him....am going to have a long walk in hunstanton this after noon with or with out him and a bag of chips and sod it an ice cream as well.

I guess it depends what you mean by depression. When I had a sudden and serious depression earlier this year I could no more have gone out with friends (as he is doing) than flown to the moon!

Maybe it is a matter of degree.

I hope he emerges from the downstairs loo soon and is prepared to enter into a useful discussion.

no jings you are not being harsh believe me ,my patience is wearing thin as it is not in my nature to be pathetic,but when you get older it is harder to pick up the pieces I have just delivered a verbal kick up the arse and made my position clear that by running away he is not facing his problems he is hiding and running from them ,he loves me still wants to be with admits he is selfish in his behaviour and thats when my patience snapped and informed him that he may not have the luxury of those decisions to make and did he not realise that I was capable also of having options that didnt include him he has now retreated to the downstairs toilet to contemplate hopefully I feel like saying grow a pair of bollocks and stop acting like a pratt otherwise you may not have a choice or luxury of finding yourself....are you allowed to say that to depressed people....jings Iam sure you could sort him out you want to visit....

Well that is good and as I said your sense of humour is a great leveller of ages. I can only now say my very best wishes go to you, that you get some peace of mind and a resolution VERY SOON.

I agree with annsixty. The age gap is starting to manifest itself. I think you should show him the door and concentrate on having a happy home life with just you and your GD. Sorry if that is harsh.

thinking about it my friends are in their 40s my son enjoys my company as I make him laugh,GD is not ashamed to spend limited time with me I associate with younger people and people of mixed age groups a 26 year old is happy to hang out with me

I've come late to this thread down.

You've suffered terrible pain in the past and though, as you say, you have still to mourn your DD you have been so strong and kept everything together for your DGD.

Now you are at faced with more problems. Teenagers are difficult enough without having the added issue of her mother's suicide to accept. And I understand your wish to hold on to your OH. I think you only have two options - to ride out this rough patch together as best you can and see where it all ends up or to choose one person you love over the other.

It's not going to be easy no matter what you decide, but you've been through worse and survived.

it is possible that the age difference has arisen but I am young in my ways and he has always been and looked older,I have spoken openly about the age gap and he has always said this isnt an issue and we do speak frequently of it we dont have any social group as we have not been able to get into any groups etc he has always been happy this way this has been his choice as by nature I am the outgoing sociable one that likes to meet up with friends enjoy a drink and act daft I am the lively one.Physically I although not ravishing have kept myself well groomed and make the most of myself and wear clothes becoming to the age group that ranges from 40-70 that is inkeeping with appropriate fashions etc.I take an Interest in things and like to learn so am always looking for things to fit that,he actually feels more at home and comfortable with older people he has always had older friends Girl friends etc and loves nothing more than to stay in his comfort zone of old clothes and work clothes.

I think you are reaching an important crossroads, downtoearth. Your GD knows how hurt and anxious you are and she is obviously anticipating a reaction that she will approve of.....namely, confronting your OH in a no-nonsense manner that will decide things one way or another. Kids, especially teenagers, don't like uncertainty. They don't know how to deal with it. Maybe she feels you are damaging your self respect by allowing his selfish behaviour to continue.

I'm sure other posters will disagree and I hope my take on this doesn't upset you because that's the last thing I would want to do but I know I would have run out of patience long ago and had it out with him.

I mentioned further up the thread that you should cherish your relationship with your OH even though your GD was putting a spanner in the works but it now seems as though you are so far on the back foot it's worth risking a break up in order to make your feelings clear.

It's a bit black and white now isn't it? He either wants to stay in the relationship or he doesn't. You owe it to yourself to find out what his intentions are.

This is a totally untenable situation for you down and this has a knock on effect on you GD. I would,again, suggest you have a break from each other and see what transpired. Tough I know but maybe things would become clearer for both of you. You don't need this stress to add to everything else.

I do not want to be personal or put a damper on your relationship, but is the age gap between you starting to make a difference now. If he is immature and is mixing with people in their 20's it is unlikely that you will have much in common with them and there lies a problem.Does he mix with your friends of your age or have your problems stopped you making friends where you now live? I really feel for you, you are trapped in a situation not of your own making but arising from very difficult circumstances in your past.

have done lucky friend wont come due to non English speaking GF he dosent want to feel uncomfortable because she wouldnt be able to speak and he gets frustrated at being her translator,have also suggested meeting at a local pub etc to play snooker or an activity where actions are needed and some sort of non verbal communication could take place,she has a circle of her own polish speaking people which allows him to have best of both worlds..but also OH has said that he dosent want it at this is his outlet that he wants....I have a support circle of concerned people around me so I am not needy just very puzzled,hurt,angry,sad,etc....can a relationship recover from this,I have been asked to let him work this out in his own way,but I cant knock down the wall and mend the fences all on my own,if he was able to read I would show him this thread as I have laid my self bare here in a way I am unable to in RL I am the stoic who people turn to in crisis,a problem solver my weakness have shocked my support network as they have never seen my show my weakness and crumble as I have

I am beginning to dread his phonecall from work in his teabreak it starts with a pleasant enquiry how I am and I just know he is looking for a way to say Patryk has asked me if I want to do..so and so,I am his partner not his mother or keeper so feel unable to say no as this then puts the onus on me of being controlling,so I say that I am not happy with it which rubs him up the wrong way makes him angry especially as his friend then pressures him and keeps on at him to do whatever he has suggested this I believe is where the confusion and conflict lay with him which has then brought on this depression which was hovering about I wish he has never started this job and stayed as he was this was meant to be better for us but it has proved to be the worst move ever
There is now an atmosphere GD has asked what time he came in,and gave me the cynical look,he is still sleeping the sleep of the untroubled and I am still wracked with anxiety and still waiting to sleep and still unable to eat..

Ask him to invite the friend and GF round to your place; see what happens. If it is all genuine, he should have no reason not to; and if they come it would be an opportunity for you to get to know them - and maybe even go out with them too.

The current limbo you are in is not acceptable to your well-being and peace of mind and you should tell him this.

is there such a thing as a midlife crisis? He eventually came home at 2.45,showed me flat battery on phone.his phone is problematic since he dropped in a puddle ages ago when he was normal.
His friend is 27 with a non english speaking GF and they live the life of people of this age group late nights,clubs etc,his friend is reluctant to have me along it appears.
OH has always been bit of a loner and as he feels comfortable with this man has been seduced by the freedom,normally 42 year olds pop out for a few pints and home again I see no problem with that although OH dosent drink.
I needed to make him see when he came in I thought this was unacceptable as I am trying to give as much support and understanding to his needs,but has totally walked over mine,much tension and real arguments have been because of his own behaviour recently since his first outing with his friend a few weeks ago and it has escalated. If this was my GD I would describe this friend as a bad influence,I think he has a strong personality and OH feeling fragile goes along with it I have had these nights of sitting and waiting for my kids keys in the door when they did all this,I expected it with my GD in a few years .....not from my OH

I would echo what Ann says. This is very unfair on you and maybe a bit of space is called for so you can do some clear thinking. Another (((hug))) from me!

DTE, I don't think you can go on if you don't know where he is and he isn't prepared to tell you. This is doing no good for you in your anxiety and your present state. You will think the worst no matter what the situation and he owes it to you to be straightforward and honest with you. You have said money is an issue but he is still going out and the switched off phone is unfair to you. Some very plain speaking is needed but once again don't let others widen the wedge between the two of you.