What would you do?

Ann enjoy that . You deserve it.
I agree with others that it will be good for your DS to look after his father for a week - he may well look back and feel glad that he was able to care for his Dad, as well as giving him more insight into what you have to cope with every day. x

Oh for sure, my first response was absolutely let your son stay and take care of him for a week. I will be good for both of them. stop beating yourself up, you must help your daughter and have something to look forward to.

This,is really only endorsing what others have said but I was told by stroke professionals that carers should "fix their own oxygen mask first". I took this advice myself and had two wonderful weeks in the USA with my brother and sister in law recently. DD was there for DH and they got on far better than I expected! I did FaceTime every day which helped DH And because of the time difference, it was done before breakfast. I came back refreshed and with a wonderful store of memories. Go for it Annsixty !

I too think you should let your son stay while you go on holiday. I'm sure you deserve and need a break and so does your daughter and grandchild. Go, and have a lovely time.

Absolutely, I agree with all of the above. Your ds and DH will get through the week one way or another, maybe not just how you'd do things, but they'll be ok.

Go for it...most importantly..... No guilt trips..... Just a fun trip.

Or the Maldives, I've always wanted to go there. DS and DiL had their honeymoon there.

I'm guessing you'd get a good deal in Sharm al-Sheikh if you wait a week or two!

Glad you've made the decision to go on holiday annsixty. As you say your H spends his day watching TV his day will be the same as usual with your son looking after him. Depending on the level of your H's dementia, he most probably won't realise you aren't there most of the time but, if he does, certainly won't remember once you're back that you went away without him.

Ooh yes can we help plan your break! I would suggest the Canaries, Madiera or Santorini - all beautiful in the spring .

Blimey, ann, you'd better go now or we'll all be on your case!

Agree with all those who say go! And it's actually a blessing in disguise that he has refused to go. It would not be a relaxing and healing holiday for you and your D if you were coping with H in strange surroundings. Better by far he stays with what is familiar and better by far that your son learns just what you have to cope with from day to day.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am looking forward to choosing a resort to suit us. A 78 year old, a 50 year old, a 17 year old and one 13 year old.

I agree with all the above, you do deserve a holiday it will do you so much good, if you are worried about how your son will cope why not give him short trial runs so you can go away and not spend your time worrying that all is ok at home?. It will be lovely for you to have quality time with your daughter and grandchild .

If you are worried about how your DS will be with your father, and you do not want your holiday spoilt by worrying about your DH all the time, why not get some carers to come in as well. You could represent this to your son as understanding his problems so giving him extra help and to your DH as you making absolutely sure everything goes well in your absence.

Carers do not just come in to get people up, bathed etc, which perhaps your DH does not need, but they could come in to administer medication or prepare a meal, anything so that they can also check that everything is going well in the household in your absence.

Go one, go on holiday and enjoy it in peace. You need and deserve the break

I think you should let your son move in for the week, it might help him understand his Dad's illness better and lead to more support from him for you in the future. I looked after my Dad several times before he died (he had Alzheimer's) to give my sister a break as she was his main carer. It brought home to me just how much help he needed, and that I needed to do more to help my sister. It also gave me time with my Dad before his mind completely disappeared and I have treasured that ever since. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.

Def go without him, moving someone with dementia out of their comfort zone often has a worsening effect on them as I found to my cost with my mother. The best advice I had was from the nursing home Mum eventually went into, they said look after yourself because if you are unwell who looks after Mum, they also told me only to visit when I felt able as the visits were often not remembered anyway (I realise you are not at that stage yet, but something for the future maybe). It seems cruel that they don't go out but it is crueler if they are frightened by new places. Good luck and enjoy the break

Oh Ann I agree with everyone too! Carers need to look after themselves in order to care.
If you don't go you may feel very resentful and so might your dd. You need a break, and your ds will have an opportunity to understand what you and his dad are going through.
Go with a clear conscience and enjoy every moment.

You need to recharge your batteries, Annsixty, and make sure that you are fit and able for your very difficult situation. My SIL is in the same position as you and we are very aware of how exhausted and depressed she gets with the day to day routine of caring for her DH. All the family do what they can to help but she feels so guilty if she is not there. Your DS will benefit from caring for his father and will probably get a new perspective on how difficult life is for you and if you leave him all the instructions he needs and keep in touch while you are away, you should be able to relax and enjoy yourself with a well earned holiday. GO! [hugs]

Hi annsixty, I'd endorse all that advice. My husband just died after 15 years with dementia (PCA - same as Terry Pratchett). We had some holidays together, but then it got too difficult to take him away. He was eventually admitted to a Care Home, but I took him out every afternoon. Eventually, my brother and family asked me to go with them to our cousin's place in Provence. I really struggled with myself, but brother wisely said, "Don't let the dementia make a prisoner of you too". I went and had a fabulous time. Husband was fine (I'd arranged visitors for him most days). I don't regret going, and it gave me a mental and physical boost for the next stage of things. My husband, before his illness, would have given me his blessings for the holiday and yours would too! Your son will get to understand more about his dad's illness. You could download some relevant factsheets from the Alzheimer's Society website resources section.

My H and I live with my aged mother who has dementia. All the social services, medics, etc whom I have spoken with keep stressing that it is important that I take care of myself. It is very important that you have a break, whether with your D or not. Take your son up on any offer of help he makes, your DH will not remember, you will find that your son comes to understand the situation better and will make allowances for his father. You must have a break

I agree with everyone else. Caring for someone is hard and you need a break, you will come back refreshed and more able to cope so your DH will benefit as well. I can hear that you are worried about leaving him, but I am sure your DS will manage. Talk it through with him, leave him as much info about what helps your DH as possible then go.

You are your husband's wife not his nurse. You clearly need some sort of break from your overwhelming responsibilities, never mind giving your daughter a holiday! I say do as much as you can to support your husband in your absence but GO.

I agree with all the other posts. A break will do you good and help you cope into the future. Your son may well be better with his dad when there are just the two of them. You can only do your best, you can't make life perfect for everyone and life invariable involves compromise. Don't harbour any guity feelings. Go and enjoy. H has been invited but declined.

yeap I agree, have your holiday, you deserve it xxx

I am quite tearful now with all your kindness and I do know you are all right.