What would you do?

I think let your son stay. Drum into him what the needs of his dad are. If you don't mind me asking, how far advanced is your DH's altzeimers?

annsixty, I think I'd be tempted to let your son move in for the week. You say he's not sympathetic to his dad's needs, but could you go through all of these with him and explain how your DH's behaviour may change according to how he (DS) interacts with him?
You need a holiday and so do your DD and her children. Perhaps it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. x

I am in agreement with the above posts. Let your son stay; being on his own with his Dad might help him to understand the nature of the illness better. You really should grab this opportunity to have a proper break and to spend time with your DD and her family. Please do it!

I agree with other posters. Take your son up on his offer and have a break with your DD. Living with a dementia sufferer is so hard, you deserve a break and your DD needs you as much as your H.

Go!

JBF my H is about 4 years into his illness but fortunately it is slow deterioration . His short term memory is the worst aspect along with extreme anxiety. He could not shop or cook and he now doesn't know where things are kept in the cupboards etc. physically he is very fit but has become reduced to watching TV for hours at a time but doesn't know what he has watched. He will be 80 in March. A little amendment here , it is nearly 5 years since I had a holiday in the sun. We went with family to Wales just over two years ago and away from his comfort zone it became apparent how seriously we should take his problem.

Exactly what the others have said! And I know you would benefit from the break. Things could have changed by the time the holiday comes and your husband could benefit from respite care by that stage. Book it!

You need that holiday annsixty. You need to keep your own strength up, and take a bit of enjoyment when you can.

Thank you all for your kindness and insight. My DD is coming in 5 weeks and we will look into booking then. Spring BH is when we will be considering. Son coming later today so I will "collar" him on my own and have a good chat.

I am quite tearful now with all your kindness and I do know you are all right.

yeap I agree, have your holiday, you deserve it xxx

I agree with all the other posts. A break will do you good and help you cope into the future. Your son may well be better with his dad when there are just the two of them. You can only do your best, you can't make life perfect for everyone and life invariable involves compromise. Don't harbour any guity feelings. Go and enjoy. H has been invited but declined.

You are your husband's wife not his nurse. You clearly need some sort of break from your overwhelming responsibilities, never mind giving your daughter a holiday! I say do as much as you can to support your husband in your absence but GO.

I agree with everyone else. Caring for someone is hard and you need a break, you will come back refreshed and more able to cope so your DH will benefit as well. I can hear that you are worried about leaving him, but I am sure your DS will manage. Talk it through with him, leave him as much info about what helps your DH as possible then go.

My H and I live with my aged mother who has dementia. All the social services, medics, etc whom I have spoken with keep stressing that it is important that I take care of myself. It is very important that you have a break, whether with your D or not. Take your son up on any offer of help he makes, your DH will not remember, you will find that your son comes to understand the situation better and will make allowances for his father. You must have a break

Hi annsixty, I'd endorse all that advice. My husband just died after 15 years with dementia (PCA - same as Terry Pratchett). We had some holidays together, but then it got too difficult to take him away. He was eventually admitted to a Care Home, but I took him out every afternoon. Eventually, my brother and family asked me to go with them to our cousin's place in Provence. I really struggled with myself, but brother wisely said, "Don't let the dementia make a prisoner of you too". I went and had a fabulous time. Husband was fine (I'd arranged visitors for him most days). I don't regret going, and it gave me a mental and physical boost for the next stage of things. My husband, before his illness, would have given me his blessings for the holiday and yours would too! Your son will get to understand more about his dad's illness. You could download some relevant factsheets from the Alzheimer's Society website resources section.

You need to recharge your batteries, Annsixty, and make sure that you are fit and able for your very difficult situation. My SIL is in the same position as you and we are very aware of how exhausted and depressed she gets with the day to day routine of caring for her DH. All the family do what they can to help but she feels so guilty if she is not there. Your DS will benefit from caring for his father and will probably get a new perspective on how difficult life is for you and if you leave him all the instructions he needs and keep in touch while you are away, you should be able to relax and enjoy yourself with a well earned holiday. GO! [hugs]

Oh Ann I agree with everyone too! Carers need to look after themselves in order to care.
If you don't go you may feel very resentful and so might your dd. You need a break, and your ds will have an opportunity to understand what you and his dad are going through.
Go with a clear conscience and enjoy every moment.

Def go without him, moving someone with dementia out of their comfort zone often has a worsening effect on them as I found to my cost with my mother. The best advice I had was from the nursing home Mum eventually went into, they said look after yourself because if you are unwell who looks after Mum, they also told me only to visit when I felt able as the visits were often not remembered anyway (I realise you are not at that stage yet, but something for the future maybe). It seems cruel that they don't go out but it is crueler if they are frightened by new places. Good luck and enjoy the break

I think you should let your son move in for the week, it might help him understand his Dad's illness better and lead to more support from him for you in the future. I looked after my Dad several times before he died (he had Alzheimer's) to give my sister a break as she was his main carer. It brought home to me just how much help he needed, and that I needed to do more to help my sister. It also gave me time with my Dad before his mind completely disappeared and I have treasured that ever since. It wasn't easy but it was worth it.

If you are worried about how your DS will be with your father, and you do not want your holiday spoilt by worrying about your DH all the time, why not get some carers to come in as well. You could represent this to your son as understanding his problems so giving him extra help and to your DH as you making absolutely sure everything goes well in your absence.

Carers do not just come in to get people up, bathed etc, which perhaps your DH does not need, but they could come in to administer medication or prepare a meal, anything so that they can also check that everything is going well in the household in your absence.

Go one, go on holiday and enjoy it in peace. You need and deserve the break

I agree with all the above, you do deserve a holiday it will do you so much good, if you are worried about how your son will cope why not give him short trial runs so you can go away and not spend your time worrying that all is ok at home?. It will be lovely for you to have quality time with your daughter and grandchild .

Thank you all so much for your comments. I am looking forward to choosing a resort to suit us. A 78 year old, a 50 year old, a 17 year old and one 13 year old.

Agree with all those who say go! And it's actually a blessing in disguise that he has refused to go. It would not be a relaxing and healing holiday for you and your D if you were coping with H in strange surroundings. Better by far he stays with what is familiar and better by far that your son learns just what you have to cope with from day to day.

Blimey, ann, you'd better go now or we'll all be on your case!