Being told not to come to son's wedding

Sorry for jumping in late !! but seeing the discussion resonated with me; I so agreed with Luckylegs9; a lot of good advice there. Dont let it fester, it is very tempting but perhaps by now you have some resolution. I do hope so.

So very sorry for what you are going through. Could you sent them a Christmas card and a present and tell them you never wanted any of this to happen and you respect their decision about the wedding, but would have loved to have been there. It sounds as if as a couple they are under pressure and probably never wanted this to escalate. I know only too well how things can become worse over time, the important thing is that you have them in your lives because you love your son. At the end of the day it doesn't matter who apologies as long as peace us restored.

I sympathise greatly with you QueenJulian. My son ( a few years back now) and his wife wouldn't speak to me or answer my phone calls or emails. This was over an incident of nastyness that took place and my husband ( my sons step dad) was so fed up with me crying and being upset that he took it upon himself to give my son a few home truths. This situation got worse as I endured this silent treatment for 4 months. I then decided that this whole situation could make me ill, I gave myself a talking to, something on the line of ' box this problem up, never open the box and let it out' I told myself that if he loves me he will come back. He did eventually relent and phoned me. Giving myself this talking to, worrying about my health was the turning point. It worked. Try it.

I remember that a long-standing rift between my Mother and her Mother and Sister (who lived together) was bridged when Mum's Mum sent a note asking what she should get for her DGC's Christmas. Granny and Aunt came for their Christmas dinner as usual, and whatever had caused the rift was never mentioned again. So I'm with the 'contact about presents (Wedding or Christmas), without mentioning the Wedding' posters.

Good idea thatbags, I presume the wedding is next weekend ....

Send them a friendly christmas card. Don't mention the wedding. Just wish them a happy christmas and leave it at that.

DH visit doesn't sound good and I think the bride to be felt they were expected tp change their wedding plans because YOU were hurt. I think I would not be happy if my f.i.l to be came and told me he expected me to change my wedding plans because my m.i.l to be was upset.

Too many I don't remember saying that. You may not have meant what they thought they heard. But your husband must have heard you were upset or he would not have visited them

I think your son is taking his fiancée's side like your husband took yours. They are a couple who are standing together like your husband stood by you. Looks like as parents this is the example you have set your son.

Maybe looking at it this way it might be easier for you to apologise for misunderstandings.

That was an interesting quote regarding "An expiry date on Blaming our parents"

Is it also not true that there is an Expiry Date on expecting our Sons and Daughters to live their life as we would wish them to? I have peers who have totally unrealistic expectations of how often their offspring should visit. How they should behave, raise their children, spend their money. It is fine to have those opinions, but not to voice them.

I believe in many cases of estrangement there is responsibility on both sides for the rift. Each person believing their own truth. Older generations give the benefit of advice based on their own experiences trying to be kind. Younger generation see this as interfering or criticising.

Being a mother and a mother-in-law is a minefield, when trying to deal with the sensibilities of our children and their partners.

I really hope that stepping back and giving them space will heal the rift for you.

Apologies all round are due here I think,even if you do not think you have done anything wrong be the bigger person and let them make their own decision as to where and when they get married,my boy and his fiance get married in USA next June and we have known for 2 years now so have had plenty of time for arrangements etc,I am not looking forward to going but he is my boy and I wouldn't miss the day for anyone,I am not over fond of his fiance but its his choice in life and he will always put her first its the way he has been brought up so I would swallow my words and make amends asap or you could loose your son and grandchildren if this carries on.

I got uninvited to my daughter's wedding in September. As it happened the wedding didn't take place anyway, why, I don't still know as she put the phone down on me when I tried to talk to her. I have left it alone since, it's her choice, she knows where I am and if it continues like this, then like you say, "so be it".

It's been 18 months now since we last spoke and to be honest, my life is a lot more relaxed and less stressed. Of course I would like her and my GC to be in my life, but not the way it was, being nasty, asking for money all the time, lying.

Queenjulian are you sure that your husband making up this argument with his son's wife to be would not be the way forward? It was them who said harsh words to each other. If that didn't work, then you may have to stand back and let them get on with it. Unfortunately our children do do things which hurt us terribly. But I have recovered and moved on from mine doing so to me. I refuse to let her ruin the rest of my time here as she dominated and manipulated so much time before. Just enjoy each other. And both of you keep your chin up. X

Perhaps because the decision to uninvite the OP and her husband has been done out of spite, revenge for an argument, a difference of opinion and not just because it's their day and this is what they always intended to do.

I do agree though, that if they regret it later "so be it" but why on earth would the parents of the groom who've been uninvited to the wedding offer to host a post wedding party?

It's their wedding! Why can't you let them do what they want, and wish them all the best? If they regret it later, then, so be it.

If you really want to be part of the celebrations, why not offer to host a post wedding party?

I think you've done as much as you can sadly, just have to wait and see.
and a hug x

In worried any contact I make will make it worse. They didn't respond to the message sent to my son asking him if that is really what he wanted. We tried to call just after he told us not to come and they didn't pick up. I feel they've made themselves rather clear. Other than trying again to contact and having it thrown in our face again I'm not sure what else we can do.

The couple haven't responded to approaches made so far but would writing to the son ('Private and Confidential ' to him might be an idea) be viable suggestion?

Whatever you do you need to keep the lines of communications open. In my experience it is not a good idea to keep a dignified silence since it is unlikely that it will be seen as such and is more likely to be seen as stubborn pig headedness which they can criticize to all and sundry. They cannot get inside your head and cannot know what you are thinking.

However hard it is how about offering some help towards the work for the wedding or perhaps inviting them for Sunday lunch or similar? Being nice may make them stop and think and you never know it may cause a rethink of how they are allowing it all to escalate out of control.

Perhaps not a good idea to mention the invitation thing either!

I do hope you can help things to improve.

Perhaps you should ask him. If they're going to stand by their decision to not have you at their wedding you deserve to know who's behind the decision. I'd want to know.

I'm so sorry, this must be awful for you.

Well, that's assuming it is her that has made him do this. He of
Course may have made the decision himself. We will never really know

One of those sad mysteries that don't make sense to many of us.

Maybe she isn't going to back down any time soon but that's easy for her isn't it, they're his parents not hers. If you really love your partner, why on earth would you want to come between them and their parents and why does some one allow them to do so?

I had a very difficult relationship with my m.i.l. for many years. Following a huge row I didn't see my in laws for 8 years but my DH saw them twice a week and took our sons to visit them. It never crossed my mind to ask him to cut them out because no one has the right to get between parents and their child no matter how aggrieved they may feel.

Our children would have been denied loving grandparents and my DH his parents. When I look back I marvel at how well we get on now, how much we love one another. My m.i.l.is horrified at our son's treatment of us and on many occasions we have cried together because she feels my pain at the loss of our son and only grandchild.

In that case I very much doubt she's going to back down anytime soon.

No it's just us as we are the only ones to have had an argument with them. Dh and dil exchanged rather harsh words

It's really sad but I don't think that there's anything you can do or say that'll change their stance at the moment.

Have they 'uninvited' anyone else?

Maintaining a dignified silence is probably the only thing you can do and just hope they have a change of heart.

No, she isn't foreign. They wanted to do some sort of wedding/honeymoon thing.
My husband went round because I was terribly hurt and I didn't know.
He spoke to our son and nothing happened until his fiancé kicked off.
It's been 7 weeks since we last saw our gc now.

if they considered going abroad is it because she is foreign? I think your husband going round to see them was a mistake. You have now no idea about what was said.
Try to let things go now. Go with the flow. You have a lot of years as a family in front of you, Keep a low profile.
Good luck