Being told not to come to son's wedding

So many grown up children seem to want to have their wedding abroad and cut out family, I really don't undrestand it.Family and friends around you on your wedding day is what makes it wonderful.
sorry you have this problem, try and talk to them as soon as possible, say things got off on the wrong foot ( as these things often do) and let's try and make things better.Good luck.

Surely there's more to this than being uninvited ? What caused the argument with his fiancé and why was he blaming you for getting married in the UK?

I know weddings can be fraught but this seems to be the culmination of several incidents doesn't it?

I'd tread very, very carefully, it does seem an extreme reaction.

We did try, we left a message on their phone asking them to please call us and that we do care but have heard nothing. I feel anxious to try again, in case it makes it even worse.

He blamed me because apparently they said they were going away to get married and I got upset so they decided not to go away after all.
I can't remember this.
His faincé got angry because my husband went round to talk to our son about how upset I was they thought this and went off on one about how unfair we are to our son and that we don't respect him and all sorts. It all just got well out of hand.

Write them an apologetic letter and grovel if you have to, if really want to be at their wedding the rights and wrongs of any argument means nothing if the outcome is not being at your sons wedding.

There is obviously a lot more to the falling out than one argument so either you offer the olive branch unreservedly or it looks like you won't be there to see your son married which is something I personally wouldn't want to risk.

it's awful how things can escalate.
Just give them time to cool down; you've left a message so it's up to them.
I hope once they've calmed down things will pan out for you.

I would struggle writing a letter apologising, we do not know what exactly we are meant to apologise for, for saying something over a year ago I can't even remember? I don't know how to make such an apology sound genuine.
We did say he would regret this decision in the future and said he may want to reconsider but we just got nothing back.

It's been 2 weeks, you would've thought they'd calmed by now

Things get said in the heat of the moment that both sides might regret later...
If things have been escalating over the past year then it may well take more than an apology on your side sadly.

I do hope things impoverished before the wedding but I guess you need to be prepared not to attend, which is really sad.

I just hope they let me see my grandchildren more than anything.

His wife to be has always been nasty, she will be behind this but he has chosen her and I can't control that. We both have tried very hard to welcome her into our lives and she has never been bothered. It seems to run in her family her brother is a manipulative man who said some nasty things to us when we went to our granchilds 3rd birthday party, it probably came straight from her

Just contact them and say of course you're going to the wedding. And then ask them what they want for a wedding present.

I'm not so sure going to his wedding after being told not to would go down to well!

Well, start by asking to see their presents list. Then take it from there.

We did say he would regret this decision in the future and said he may want to reconsider
Why did you think that was an appropriate thing to say ?
You then went on to slag off his wife to be and her brother, not a good place to start renegotiation. I think you may have to do some serious apologising.

To go to the wedding after you had been told you would not be welcome will only make matters worse. I would advise caution here. However bad things seem to be now don't do anything that might cause them to cut off all contact.

As loopylou has said it'ss not quite clear how this row arose in the first place so trying to make any more suggestions is difficult.

It was appropriate because we think in the future he will regret not having us there and we wanted him to reconsider.
I haven't said negative things about her or her family to anyone. Just in here and I am sure it is because of her that my son has done this, he would never have gone against us like this in the past.
We obviously aren't going to the wedding unless they tell us we can, I just hope they change their minds and my daughter in law realises she has been out of line or else I'll probably never see my only son agaib

At one time my DS frequently told me I said things which upset people. I'd protest, sometimes with tears, that I didn't of course mean it like that. He occasionally said it was my tone of voice. I was hurt and indignant every time.

I did start to be more careful how I phrased comments, and how often I expressed my important and infallible opinions, even though I still thought myself completely innocent. An old and trusted friend confirmed that yes, I had always been known for sharp or tactless comments. Oh dear!

Sometimes we don't see ourselves as clearly as we might. Now, years later, I still, in all kinds of situations, catch myself about to say something which might be open to misinterpretation and bite my tongue.

This may not be helpful to OP but hope things work out for the family over the next few weeks anyway.

You don't say how old your son is, but he's a father and is about to be married so is clearly a grown up, not a little boy anymore. I agree that apologies are warranted, but from both sides not just yours.

I can understand that you may have been upset when they talked of marrying abroad, but unless at the time you'd said you wouldn't go to the wedding if it was abroad, to now say they're only getting married here because of you is ridiculous. Perhaps you have, unintentionally put pressure on them with their wedding plans but withdrawing the wedding invitation is a deliberate act.

The son we are now estranged from married abroad because she'd fallen out with her parents and didn't want them at the wedding. At that time when I foolishly believed we had a good relationship, I too suggested that she re think her decision, getting married without her parents was a huge step and she may later regret it. I see nothing inappropriate in what you said to your son. She has since reconciled with her parents and it is now us who are out in the cold and have been for 3 years.

We are all guilty at times of being as Elrel has said sharp or tactless but uninviting ones own parents from your wedding is IMO is worse than not inviting them in the first place. Having your attempt to try and talk about the situation completely ignored is jut making the situation worse and is very wrong of your son. It's amasing how deafening silence can be.

I too believe that if they had not married we would never have lost our son. My DH, our family and friends lay the blame at her door but he is responsible for his own actions/inaction as is your son. Even if they believe it's no longer appropriate for you to attend their wedding, your son shouldn't be ignoring your attempt to talk things through.

I hope that a resolution can be found, that you can talk things through with both of them and that you'll attend the wedding. Whatever happens I hope that you don't lose contact with your son and grandchildren because that really is a heavy burden to carry.

Great post smileless I agree with every word.

Thank you rosearered

Smileless; thank you. Unfortunately we were told that NOBODY would be invited if they got married abroad, no friends, parents, family no one. Although I never kicked off, I can't even remember this!
Husband had a big fall out with sons wife to be and now my son won't speak to us, it just seems strange and sad.
We haven't tried to contact them at all other than asking him to reconsider whether he really backs his other half on this decision, after the things she said to his parents I find it hard to believe he does, but clearly I'm wrong.

Never ask a man whether he backs his partner on a decision they have made, you are inviting yourself to be frozen out for eternity.

Why? Why should an open and honest relationship have to change because there is now a partner on the scene? Surely a man should be man enough to say whether or not he backs a decision that his partner has made and regardless of his answer be able to maintain his relationship with his parents if it was them that asked the question. Do some of these partners really expect to spend the rest of their lives having the man in their life agree with everything they say and do?

Is it really that simple, that easy to lose your son "to be frozen out for eternity".

Why tell you Queenjulian. If they were seriously considering marrying abroad and inviting no one, why didn't they make their decision and then just go off and do it and announce they were married when they got back? It is strange and sad and I'm so sorry for the stress and heartache I know this is causing you and your husband.