Being told not to come to son's wedding

Wish I'd have had all this good advise when I was first cut out 3+yrs ago!
Hope its been sorted now, as the wedding must be this weekend

Thanks Starbird, must read The Prophet, maybe I did long ago and have forgotten. Love the bow and arrows analogy!
I made a stupid,impulsive mistake with my son's partner at Christmas two years ago. Our relationship is now better than I had dared hope it would ever be again. The repercussions, however, affected the whole family's subsequent Chrnistmas arrangements and may well continue to do so.

A spouse will and should always come first with each other and however hard it is, it is better for parents not to disagree with their plans. One can gently ask if they have considered following a different course of action, and of course you can express opinions if asked, but anything more implies that you still think of them as children and four not respect their ability to make their own decisions. I love what Khalil Gibran says in his book 'The Prophet' when speaking of children, he says they are not our children, but are an expression of life's longing for the future. They are part of us but we cannot be part of them, He likens the role of parents to being like a strong bow, and the children as arrows. The stronger the (archer and) bow, the further and straighter the arrow will fly.

My understanding of this situation is that the OP's son and fiance considered marrying abroad but made the decision to marry in the UK and his parents were duly invited to the wedding. It is now claimed that they changed their minds because OP was upset at the prospect of them marrying abroad and now, blame her for the decision they've made, have had words with son's father and what IMO is an act of revenge, have withdrawn their wedding invitation.

If you're right starbird that they "feel burdened and resentful at having to pay out for a wedding at home" is that sufficient justification for un inviting his parents and refusing to respond to their attempts to sort things out?

Why on earth should we learn to keep quiet when our children enter into a relationship? It's ridiculous that some parents find themselves walking on eggshells for fear of expressing an opinion that may not be agreed with.

I understand the reality of that fear having been cut out of my son's life and my only grand children for more than 3 years. I had no idea that once they were married we had to become grinning, simpering, without a thought or opinion of our own, parents in law. That the parents' we had been for 27 years, the very people who'd welcomed her in to the family with open arms, would suddenly be viewed so negatively that we have to be kept away from our own grand children.

We taught our children to be independent as well as loving, kind and respectful; we didn't teach them to be malicious, cruel and vindictive. Our ES didn't learn those things from us, he learned them else where and thank goodness his lovely brother didn't learn those things too,

If, as is mostly the case these days, they have already been living together, the actual wedding is not such a big deal as it was in our day. Perhaps they wanted a romantic, relatively cheap ceremony and now feel burdened and resentful at having to pay out for a wedding at home. From what you say there is no quick and easy way back. I would let it be, hopefully time will heal your relationship.

Lots of wonderful answers here. And I think we must learn when our children enter into relationship we must keep quiet

My husband is Portuguese and family is everything. To a Northern European it can be stifling and I know many relationships break up because outsiders can't cope with never doing anything without the family.

Our culture is we teach our children to be independent so we must except the results.

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

So sorry you're experiencing this rift at such an important time Queenjulian. Putting myself in your shoes, I think I will send them a lovely Wedding Card with a nice cheque for their honeymoon and wish them a a wonderful day and say how much you look forward to sharing their memorable day from their photos and videos. I know it's hard but best play it cool. When Geri Halliwell got married, her mother-in-law wasn't invited either!

My second son decided to get married in Fiji, with no family or friends present - THEIR choice, not mine, and I supported them 100%, although I would much rather have been there (and could have afforded it). I would much rather have a good relationship with my children than fall out over THEIR decision.

Where has she gone? Was she real?

Get it right!

"Oh wad some power the giftie gie us
Tae see oorsels as ithers see us"

Robert Burns
'To a Louse'

always bear in mind these words

O'H FOR THE GIFT THAT GOD COULD GIVE US

TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US.

always bear in mind these words

O'H FOR THE GIFT THAT GOD COULD GIVE US

TO SEE OURSELVES AS OTHERS SEE US.

D'you what, there comes a point in your life when you realise that you can do without hurtful thoughtless oversensitive people in your life. The people who bring you down, utterly disrespect you and the years you spent loving & caring for them as a child.

For me it was a no-brainer when one of my daughters told me on her wedding day that 'they(her new inlaws) were her family now', and effectively she didn't need me. I brought my three daughter up on my own and they never wanted for anything, most especially love and encouragement to be nice people and do well in life.

It took me several years to get over the hurt until one day I thought, this is silly, I need to re-evaluate my life and decide if I will allow people to treat me like that or cut them out of my thoughts & my life. Finally coming to terms with how things are has been liberating.

Her two sons will be roasting her heart soon enough and then she'll have a chance to reflect on her own behaviour. I've ceased to beat myself up about it. I can't imaging how she'll deal with it when the cousins talk about me as Grandma and they'll wonder why I'm not their grandma too.

Have joined this discussion rather late but from your original post the wedding is taking place any day now (or has it already happened?). A bit late to add any advice as plenty has been given already. Do you feel like giving us an update on how things are? Sorry that what should have been a happy time has turned sour.

This is so heartbreaking. I think you ought to acknowledge that where and how they got married was their and only their business. Say that your reaction was emotional and unthinking (and a little old-fashioned!) but that you now realise you ought not to have interfered. Forget what you consider fair;forget whose fault it is;forget hostility from the bride's relations. You are powerless unless you validate their feelings however unreasonable these seem to you. Remember lots of us would regard your voicing your objection to a wedding abroad - with or without you - as unreasonable too. Apologise to your DIL and tell her that you and your husband forgot that your son no longer has to accommodate your wishes in any aspect of his life with her and their child. Say that you have learned your lesson.

I know this advice might be difficult to follow but they have all the cards in this game. Above all do not fester with hurt and self-righteousness. Get writing and mean everything you say.

I get on well to varying degrees with my three but I know that the slightest criticism of any of their partners would only cause huge upset and they would all stand by their spouses as I feel they should. They need to stay partners for life and I won't be around for that much longer. I bite my tongue every time and it's a wonder I have any left, but falling out with them, home truths or whatever, is not a risk I am willing to take.
One of my daughters married in Australia meaning that only my husband and I and her brother were able to make the journey. I hated that but they are adults and should make their own decisions and stand by them. I also have concerns with the way two of my DGCs are being brought up but they are happy and loved so again I keep my mouth shut. One of my daughters did report to me though that when all three of my kids were together my son said, 'I think mum thinks we are too hard on the children' and my second daughter laughed and said 'I think she thinks I am way too soft on mine' so I've somehow managed to make my feelings known without ever saying anything they could be offended by!
Whatever happened Queenjulian I think you have to start with an apology rather than a request to work things out, however much you believe that the apology should come from them; for the sake of your DGC. It is easy for them to say that they have nothing to discuss with you and ignore your message but not so easy to ignore a 'sorry'.
Good luck and I hope you make it to the wedding.

Good advice Nana

What a sad situation.

I had an appalling relationship with my MIL for 30 years . I just wasn't who she wanted for her son. Luckily for me , she passed away and I make absolutely no apology for feeling like that. My husband never backed me up and never saw what was going on, so I understand how your DS is. After all he chose this woman , obviously loves her and thinks she does no wrong.

And to be fair that's what you want from your parter.

I think you need to skip the messages , phone calls etc and do this face to face. There can be all sorts of problems with misunderstandings with text. Be calm, apologise genuinely for any offence you caused - even if you don't know what that is. Explain how important it is for you to see the two of them start what you're sure will be a long and happy life together.

Then explain you've missed them both and obviously your DGS.

Then leave them to make THEIR choice.

You may not get invited to the wedding but you've done the right thing. If it's thrown back in your face , you will at least have the satisfaction of trying everything you could. Send a card and a gift for the wedding and be brave.

Then once that's out of the way, carry on life as normal, call and ask if they'd like to come for dinner or let you babysit DGS. Make an assumption that things are back to normal and maybe after the wedding madness they will be x