Having a favourite child/ grandchild.

This is probably too late, but I only just saw the thread! My perspective is totally different - I am not a grandparent or parent, and I speak purely as the grandchild I was. I adored my maternal grandmother, and I always, always knew that I was her favourite. She loved each of her 6 grandchildren totally, spent lots of quality time with them, and spoilt them all rotten, but without a word ever being said, we each knew that the other was our favourite person, and that there was an extra-special bond between us. With my other grandmother, without anything ever being said, I was always aware that, while she loved me, another child was preferred to me - my cousin, the preferred one, knew it just as instinctively! So I think that it is natural to have a favourite, it happens more often than not, if we are honest, but the important thing is not to favour that child outwardly. Another example from my - obvs dysfunctional! - family. My aunt has two grandchildren, the eldest is a boy apon whom she frankly dotes, and a slightly younger granddaughter who can do very little right for her. She is absolutely open that she prefers boys anyway, plus he was the first grandchild from her only son, but they all know the pecking order because she doesn't treat them equally. Not good.

I am a bit late to this thread too princesspamma however for what its worth;

I have 3 DGC. They are all my favourites but for different reasons and at different times. I normally have all three on a Monday night and take them to school on a Tuesday morning, but last night (for the first time ever) I only had my little grandson (5). This morning on the way to school he asked me if he could sleep at grandmas house on his own all of the time, without his sisters as he had the best time. What he really means is that he had mine and his grandads full undivided attention. Last night I lay in bed overwhelmed by how much love I felt for him. This morning having met his sisters in the school yard I couldn't wait to cuddle them and tell them how much I loved and missed them last night. It's funny this love business isn't it?

princesspamma you have described exactly what I tried to say earlier and I agree absolutely!

Children are remarkable astute and instinctive at sussing out pecking orders and there always is one in any grouping, whether it's children, grandchildren, siblings, friends or colleagues. It's human nature to prefer one person over another without it meaning that you don't care about the less preferred!

Maybe I am talking more about "like" than "love" but there is a close correlation.

My grandson has another granny who completely ignores him and has done almost from day one. She never seeks to see him, or enquire after him, and DD and her partner have now given up on the relationship. She has two other grandchildren with whom she seems to have a perfectly normal grandmotherly relationship. A case of favouritism in extremis. It's not a boys preferred over girls thing - the others are one of each. I often wonder what - or if - my grandson (8) thinks about it. He never mentions her and gets more than enough grandparently love and attention from us, but still....I don't understand it and it has always upset me.

Greyduster do you think it's possible the other grannie treats your DGS differently because his DF and DM are partners and not married?
She is out of order if this is the case, silly woman but it's just a thought.
Her loss is your gain

I think there is a difference between loving them all the same and liking them the same. I love all of mine but can say that I like a certain one that little bit more, perhaps because he is just a more likeable person?

Some people just get on better with certain others in that they share things like a sense of humour, personality traits etc., which makes them easier to like for somebody with a similar character. This is neither deliberate nor was it ever intended, it's just the way life is.

I can't see that being the case, nina - they have been together for twenty four years, and my grandson is only eight. It was never an issue before.

One DGD has the sweetest heart and is the kindest child I have ever met. Another has a beautiful smile and cheeky grin and can make you laugh very easily. My other DGC is difficult to deal with sometimes for many reasons but all 3 are my favourites and I love them all equally in different ways. My heart worries for them all, each one totally unique, totally special and totally loved.

I loved both of my parents dearly, but somehow I loved my dad more.

I love both of my children equally, but when they were little, my son was a lot easier whilst my daughter was a challenge. Now they are adults I am probably closer to my daughter, but love them both as much as each other.

I now have two grandchildren (4 and 1). Love them both but perhaps the older one a bit more, as I've known him longer, but the little one is claiming more of my heart as she grows!

Strange thing, love!

Yes. You're right there PPP.

My son and daughter have different personalities as have my grandchildren but I lhave be them all equally even though grandchildren all show a preference for grandad,s ?

Not the case then Greyduster it was just a thought

I can't imagine having a favourite, DC or DGS. I've fallen madly in love with every one as soon as I've clapped eyes on them, and I haven't yet been in a position of not liking someone I love, though I know it's possible. No pretending to disagree here, I just can't get my head round the concept!

I freely admit to having had a favourite cat though!

I have never had a favourite cat

I have never had a cat

Oh - wrong thread!!

I come from a family who identified 'saints and sinners' though the saints behaved pretty similarly to the sinner over the years. The habit continued with my mother and my sister. My mother loves the two eldest grandchildren best and actually tells others of this and my sister has always favoured her youngest and been 'spiky' with the eldest. All I can say from my observation is that it is emotionally corrosive to those who are not favoured. They take on themselves guilt for being unlovable. It is not hard to treat children equally and it may be the case that in time, as Hamlet says of the habit of doing an unaccustomed good that this in itself "shall lend a kind of easiness
To the next abstinence: the next more easy;
For use almost can change the stamp of nature".
In other words treat them all equally and you will end up regarding them all equally.

You have made me think diddima and I love all four of my grandaughters unreservedly but I have a special bond with one in particular. When my daughter went in to have twins I was left to look after my granddaughter. When one of the Twins had difficulties she and I had to decant to another city. We stayed with my other daughter before eventually traveling to my home in another part of the country. We traveled on busses and trains and didn't really know where we were and what we were doing, but we did have each other. I took her hand and said we were on an adventure. She wasn't yet two but she never cried for her parents and was as good as gold. I returned her to her parents after two weeks.
It was a very difficult time for everyone, the twins are doing fine now but although I don't have a "favourite" I think my grandaughter and I share a bond of trust, forged in trouble, that I don't have with anyone else.

Teacher11 I know what you mean. Of the 4 grandchildren I get to see, one is always being singled out by her mother as 'a bit of a handful' or even 'trouble'. I don't see her as that, but as a very bright, feisty 4-year old with a loving nature but a very competitive streak. She's the youngest of my GC and always strives to keep up with the older ones. I admire her spirit tremendously and have a special soft spot in my heart for her, mainly because her qualities are unappreciated. Of course I love them all equally, but I feel especially protective towards this little one.

I can't imagine having favourites.
I love them unconditionally. If you have a favourite it is conditional - it is because they are easier to get on with, they don't argue, they have the same interests etc etc etc- it is making a condition.
My parents didn't have favourites.

I agree very much with when's comments.

My grandchildren are at different ages and stages so whilst I love them all the same I don't relate to them equally. How can I? There's a baby, a two year old and a five year old - all with different/developing characters and personalities.

About children not knowing about favouritism, I experienced this as a child and it is as clear today as it was then. My maternal GM (a formidable and controlling old bat) used to call my sister and I into her room, get out her purse and present my sister with a sixpence then snap it shut and give me a look that defied me to say anything. This happened a lot, but we sorted it out by sharing the money. In fact, my sister (cunning wench) used to arrange to go and see her and got as much as she could. I later found out that she disliked my father (he stood up to her) and I was too much like him for her! Children are not stupid and their senses are very acute when it comes to being liked or not. I have made sure that my two GS's are loved and liked equally - they are quite different but equally loveable. These things stay with you forever!

I don't think it is possible to have a favourite and keep it to yourself. Children pick up on so much that isn't said. They are very astute.

I am very fortunate in that my three DC are all so completely different they can't be compared with each other. Likewise my DGC. They all get varying degrees of attention according to what calamities are happening in their lives.

And thinking about it now, I don't - have a favourite that is. They're all too different. The favourite is whoever is with me at the time and if it's more than one there's no time to think about it. I'm besotted with all of them!

Believe me, any child knows full well who is the favourite!

What about the (hypothetical) phenomenon of a child thinking its sibling is the favourite when this isn't actually the case?

Kids do give mooring space (so to speak) to wrong ideas. My younger sister harboured the impression that my elder brother and I were doing brilliantly at school and that it put pressure on her to do brilliantly as well. She was mistaken in her impression. We were good students but not brilliant. Her wrong impression, from who knows where, really messed with her head for several years.