Daughter-in-Law possible breakdown - what to do

A quick glance at the "Cut out of their lives" thread or "Estranged grandparents" should make it all clear - this is what the OP needs to avoid.

Nelliemoser. Why I sound perfect I have no idea.

I dont agree with the last 3 posts though.

In families I know, it is social and communal. People help and support other people. And yes offer advice. Which can be used or not. Up to the individual.

The DiL is entitled to feel unhappy if her husband and his mother are talking about her behind her back. How disloyal! The son 'belongs' to the wife now not his mother - he has a whole new family with whole new responsibilities and should only be involving his parents in the direst of circumstances.

And, as for shouting at a DiL in public and then making 'profuse' (but not sincere) apologies - words fail me.

What is needed is to bolster the son's feelings of being a grown adult who can take the right steps. And it is vital that any conversation fosters strengthening their marital relationship, as two adults, rather than "interfering." This lass has already been shouted at by her MIL (who I am sure feels bad about this) - the last thing she needs is OH and MIL talking about her out of her presence.

soontobe You said "It sounds to me like the sil has genuine concerns about his wife, and is seeking some answers of some sort or another."

For any of the parties in a situation like that is to keep ones mouth firmly buttoned unless you are very specifically asked to help by your relative.

soontobe its good to hear you are so perfect.

No, you don't go "Oh well." You explain that you are not the right person to be discussing this with and suggest the proper avenues of help. - i.e. you are supportive and suggest ways of helping, but you are not colluding in discussing her behind her back. You explain that if you get involved too much in this then you will not be able to support her or them, as DIL is likely to feel aggrieved about being the subject of discussion between her OH and her MIL, and cut off communication.

What is the point Luckygirl of asking "How is he?" and you find out that he may not be at all well, and you go, "oh well".

The problem here is that my son several times has asked us what we think of Wife

I am wondering if she is really in a bad way and he wants us to confirm it to him. I am hesitant to do so. I know something about depression and it would seem she is depressed and heading for a crisis - there are other pointers i can't put here. So wondering what to do, if anything

It is these bits and subject heading that mean I dont think that the op is right to say and do nothing.

It is not being harsh - it is trying to guide her away from worsening what is already a very difficult and fraught situation by colluding with her son behind the DIL's back. I think all the posters here have that aim in mind.

My DDs talk to me about their OH's - of course they do. But those conversations are about How is he? - what's he been up to? What to get im for Christmas? etc.

The problem here is that my son several times has asked us what we think of Wife. We say she is good company but we sometimes wonder why she does things. She is a good wife and mother. When we are together with the 2 of them we see a bit of a strain sometimes

You interpret that as a cry for help, * soontobe*?? Sounds more like DS has realised his DW and her MIL are not hitting it off. Maybe he is tactfully trying to hint OP needs to look at her attitude? I fear you are in danger of escalating this soon?

And maybe the bit of a strain is only the case when the in laws are with them?

TBH I think OP and soon both need to back off before things are said which should remain unsaid.

It depends on circumstances and personalities. I can't think of anyone I know who would have a public row even with drink involved . I also think I have a wide variety of friends and acquaintances and still can't think of anyone who would have a row

No, but what you can say is that it is not appropriate for you and he to be talking about her behind her back

In all families that I know, of course a mum and son talk about the wife. And a mum and daughter about the son. It is called normal family communication.

that perhaps he needs to seek professional advice.

I agree with that.

I can't imagine any scenario which would lead me to shout at anyone in public

I have never done that wither, or anywhere close, but I do recognise that everyone is human, and has breaking points themselves for whatever reason.

For a MIL to lose her rag with her DIL is a recipe for disaster and unthinkable

I should imagine it is quite normal for that sometimes to happen. And I would very much hope that a dil would forgive and have a normal relationship once again with her mil.

I think posters are being much to harsh on fluttHERBY123.

[Shaking head] emoticon. "Helicopter parenting" clearly does not always stop when they leave university
I think you are blowing this out of all proportion. When you ask if son is asking from a medical point of view, is OP medically qualified to advise?

BTW in the 30 years before her death in 2000, my MIL never once "lost her rag" with me in public or otherwise, nor did she ever presume to interfere.

I can't imagine any scenario which would lead me to shout at anyone in public ! If someone did so at me I would find it impossible to ever speak to them again . Methinks the lady doth protest too much

No, but what you can say is that it is not appropriate for you and he to be talking about her behind her back and that perhaps he needs to seek professional advice.

For a MIL to lose her rag with her DIL is a recipe for disaster and unthinkable.

If a mil loses her rag with a dil once in 18 months, or indeed maybe a whole lot longer time than that, then I would very much expect a dil to be able to forgive that. Especially as the op has said sorry many times.

Personally I think this sil is asking for his mums help because of medical reasons.
Everyone surely wants a healthy good wife and mother.

It is turning your back, if your son asks for advice many times, and you either give none, or try to avoid the subject.

Indeed Iam - and if you want to repair a relationship with someone, then talking about them behind their back to their OH (even if it is your son) must rate as the worst possible thing to do.

I am heavily into forgiveness soon (possibly because I don't feed my mind with the vengeful passages from the bible) but this OP needs to understand that if she loses her rag with her DIL in a public situation then that DIL is quite likely to keep out of her way - and who can blame her! I cannot envisage any situation in which I would lose my rag in public with my SILs - short of them beating up one of my DDs, when doing nothing would not be an option.

She is a good wife and mother - what more indeed! We cannot all claim that.

"Do nothing" is often the best advice, when doing something might worsen the situation.

The problem does not seem to be with the son and his relationship with his wife and family, but with the OP who cannot get on with her DIL.....so she needs to work at that with kindness and consideration, backing up and bolstering the relationship that her son has with his wife at every opportunity.

x posted there soontobe - where has anyone suggested the OP 'turn her back on her son"? Respecting boundaries and having an appropriate emotional distance is not turning our backs on our children.

Luckgirl, Alea, annodomini and others give good advice here. Unless you have reason to believe your dil is using substances, drinking to excess or other high risk behaviour that could impact on their children, I'd say any tension in their relationship is entirely their business. Even if she was drinking etc you'd be wise to be very cautious about raising that with your son.
There are so many Dil from hell/cut out by son/daughter threads on here and so many similar threads on mumsnet that thinking before we act or speak is usually the way to go.
I hope you and your dil manage to establish a conflict free zone in your relationship. You say she's a 'good wife and mother' - what more can any of us ask for.

Oh yes, I agree with that annodomini, but there is no way I would turn my back on my son if he was asking for help or advice.

Agree to differ Alea.

X-posts, Alea and I couldn't agree more. We do not control our DCs' lives. We (well,I) brought them up to be mature and decisive adults and if we don't like the decisions they and their partners make, we need to adjust our perspective.

I would be very taken aback if either of my DSs asked my opinion of his OH, but if it did happen, I would ask 'why?' You need to know the reasons why he is asking you about his wife. Luckily my DSs have partners whom I regard as very good friends.

Oh soontobe! These are adults not little children. Mums are not always the right person to get involved and if OP's son thinks his wife needs help that is between them and their GP.
I often wonder (not specifically talking about this example) why it is so many parents (mums more often than not ) insist on believing they are able to fix their grown up children's lives. They have to be allowed to sort things out for themselves. That is called growing up and we parents need to recognise that. It seems to me that when parents insist on remaining pivotal to their DC and DGC's lives that misunderstandings and conflicts of the "DIL from hell" sort (which come up so often on GN,) occur.

If your DS is seeking advice, support or whatever fluttERBY123 then he needs to be a bit clearer in what he is asking.

We can only guess from the bits you've written so could be well wide of the mark , especially if there's more that you're unable to divulge.