Daughter-in-Law possible breakdown - what to do

I dont know background to this.

Do you think your son is asking you from a medical point of view. And really just wants you to reply in that way?

I'm wondering why your son is asking what you think of his wife? Does he sense that you don't quite approve of her or like her? You response that she's good company does seem evasive to me, and you think she's stalling in response to your invitation.

Perhaps DDIL is very stressed and depressed but there's more to this than your post imo, and you say she been digging away at you so you lost it and shouted at her at a family event, although she felt she'd done nothing wrong.

I'm really rather , and perhaps you need to step back and reflect on the whole relationship before trying to move forward; could you meet your son and DDIL to try to establish just what the differences are and how to get around them rather than just trying to smooth things out by meeting for a meal?

Good luck OP

Good post loopy!

To me, the OP suggests that you don't approve of your DiP for whatever reason and the key seems to be to accept that she IS different. She is the choice of you son so you have to just accept her and make the best of it. It is hard, we've had one or two we would rather not have had in our family, but we have had to make the best of it or risk a rift!

Another thought. Is he wanting your totally open opinion.
For what reason I dont know.

Sometimes it's very difficult to get on the people our children choose and sometimes those people seem to go out of their way to not get on with us.

I think the answer to, "What do you think of my wife?" is "I like her very much," even if that's a lie. We want our parents to approve of our choices. I know how it makes me feel when my mam totally ignores DH and when she told me outright that she didn't like him and he's not welcome in her house. I wouldn't want to make my DDs feel this way.

Families are all different. Some are very gregarious with millions of cousins and extended relations who they see on a regular basis. Others don't keep in touch as often. I come into the second sort. I keep in touch with DDs usually on WhatsApp although we do visit sometimes. DD1's partner's mother would drive me insane if I was DD1. She's there virtually everyday and turns up unannounced and unexpected. I asked DD1 if it bothered her. She said that it did but it was just how her partner's family are so she just accepts it.

I don't think you can suggest your DIL is depressed.

sounds to me as if the OP is depressed , step back and look at what is going on , does your OH get on with this woman ? does anyone else seem irritated by her ?

She might not think you like her and is saying that to her husband, he is saying 'oh don't be silly of course they do' and he's trying to check he's right? Maybe?

What do you do differently? What does she do differently?

I don't think it's fair to label her depressed or pressure she's heading for a break down.

Looking at it from the outside it is difficult to see how one might conclude that she is having a "breakdown." She doesn't get on with you is all that I can see. How does she get on with others? Just keep out of it - be sweetness and light when you are together and NEVER discuss her behind her back with your son - that way lies disaster.

I so agree with Kitty and Vampire queen . We are all different even from different families but when you put different cultures in it adds another dimension . I Agee so hard to accept these differences in families . Just keep supporting as much as you can try really hard to keep opinions to yourself and off load on Grans net !!!

By the way, the OP says "what to do?" - the answer is do nothing.

If my MIL had shouted at me at a family event, I would have no desire to see her ever again!

If son asks questions about his wife, just say nice things. Don't get sucked into anything more.

You always say do nothing Luckygirl!

If my MIL had shouted at me at a family event, I would have no desire to see her ever again!

Heck. What about forgiveness or understanding. Everyone makes a mistake once in a while.

If son asks questions about his wife, just say nice things. Don't get sucked into anything more.

Not necessarily. Sounds to me like the sil has genuine concerns about his wife, and is seeking some answers of some sort or another.

Agree with Luckygirl and others. Do nothing, smile, say how nice she is, praise her good qualities as a good wife and mother, but unless you are a doctor or psychiatrist I would hesitate to diagnose Depression. And stop apologising and making a big deal out of it.
She is different to you, that's all.

The op says that there is otehr stuff she doesnt want to put on the internet that point towards depression.
I dont think we all on gransnet can say one way or another on that one.

Soontobe, " least said, soonest mended" is wise counsel.
Nobody welcomes an interfering MIL and OP might be best keeping her opinions to GN where she can offload, instead of risking a family brouhaha.

Exceot in this case, the sil seems to be crying out to his mum for help in some way.

If your DS is seeking advice, support or whatever fluttERBY123 then he needs to be a bit clearer in what he is asking.

We can only guess from the bits you've written so could be well wide of the mark , especially if there's more that you're unable to divulge.

Oh soontobe! These are adults not little children. Mums are not always the right person to get involved and if OP's son thinks his wife needs help that is between them and their GP.
I often wonder (not specifically talking about this example) why it is so many parents (mums more often than not ) insist on believing they are able to fix their grown up children's lives. They have to be allowed to sort things out for themselves. That is called growing up and we parents need to recognise that. It seems to me that when parents insist on remaining pivotal to their DC and DGC's lives that misunderstandings and conflicts of the "DIL from hell" sort (which come up so often on GN,) occur.

I would be very taken aback if either of my DSs asked my opinion of his OH, but if it did happen, I would ask 'why?' You need to know the reasons why he is asking you about his wife. Luckily my DSs have partners whom I regard as very good friends.

X-posts, Alea and I couldn't agree more. We do not control our DCs' lives. We (well,I) brought them up to be mature and decisive adults and if we don't like the decisions they and their partners make, we need to adjust our perspective.

Agree to differ Alea.

Oh yes, I agree with that annodomini, but there is no way I would turn my back on my son if he was asking for help or advice.

Luckgirl, Alea, annodomini and others give good advice here. Unless you have reason to believe your dil is using substances, drinking to excess or other high risk behaviour that could impact on their children, I'd say any tension in their relationship is entirely their business. Even if she was drinking etc you'd be wise to be very cautious about raising that with your son.
There are so many Dil from hell/cut out by son/daughter threads on here and so many similar threads on mumsnet that thinking before we act or speak is usually the way to go.
I hope you and your dil manage to establish a conflict free zone in your relationship. You say she's a 'good wife and mother' - what more can any of us ask for.

x posted there soontobe - where has anyone suggested the OP 'turn her back on her son"? Respecting boundaries and having an appropriate emotional distance is not turning our backs on our children.

Indeed Iam - and if you want to repair a relationship with someone, then talking about them behind their back to their OH (even if it is your son) must rate as the worst possible thing to do.

I am heavily into forgiveness soon (possibly because I don't feed my mind with the vengeful passages from the bible) but this OP needs to understand that if she loses her rag with her DIL in a public situation then that DIL is quite likely to keep out of her way - and who can blame her! I cannot envisage any situation in which I would lose my rag in public with my SILs - short of them beating up one of my DDs, when doing nothing would not be an option.

She is a good wife and mother - what more indeed! We cannot all claim that.

"Do nothing" is often the best advice, when doing something might worsen the situation.

The problem does not seem to be with the son and his relationship with his wife and family, but with the OP who cannot get on with her DIL.....so she needs to work at that with kindness and consideration, backing up and bolstering the relationship that her son has with his wife at every opportunity.