Alone for Christmas

Sorry wrong thread

Grannyactivist , it is you who is the angel ! what a lovely story and I hope you all had a lovely day x

Seacliff, I hope you enjoyed your Xmas. No harm if it was quiet. I don't think a day has to be full of noise - even laughter - to be pleasant.

Nellie, I hope you "muddled through" ok and maybe found good shows to watch on the television or a DVD if OH wouldn't join in anything that was fun for both of you. I'm sorry the skyping was less than satisfactory, but glad your AC got in touch with you. Hope you are feeling better today!

Nanaseaside, my heart just aches for you! TG, there is a place like this where parents/GPs can come and vent as you just did! To have a DD CO you and a DS and DIL barely speak to you! Oh! That must hurt so very much!

Is it possible that this is a matter of different communication styles? At least where DS and DIL are concerned? Like maybe they're all about being calm and logical and you tend to get more emotional (or vice versa)? Or they're into chatty conversations about superficial topics and you prefer deeper stuff (or vice versa)? Could that be the problem?

Whether it is or not, I think you're wise to just focus on GD. Also, I agree that you should cut back on trying to converse with DS and DIL. Just do what they do and "only speak (to them) when there is something to say." Even if it gets down to, "Please pass the salt." Maybe they'll be relieved (sorry) but maybe they'll wonder what's up and seek more communication with you. Either way, you'll be better off. Why knock yourself out trying when it there are no results?

IMO, it's wonderful that you can still see past that to appreciate their inviting you and getting the time with little GD. I think it's great, too, that you have an active and interesting life, overall (I'm sorry about your health problems and such, but that doesn't seem to have held you back, fortunately)and are able to be "quite cheerful" most of the time.

I get it about the "pain of rejection" always being there, however. So sending you some (((hugs))).

I'm sure no one would deny you this vent nanaseaside

You are probably right when you think it best just to concentrate on your little GD and stop trying too hard with your son and DiL. Perhaps just enough 'talk' not to come down to their level?

You seem to have quite an active life away from them so make the most if this.

Where to put your hurt feelings? Buy a diary for 2016 and put them there. Write it all down and let it out.

I am wrestling hard to find somewhere/way to ease/get rid of my hurt feelings. Turned to GN today (rare thing) to see if others are struggling like me. I am an open loving affectionate kind of mum/MIL. Not perfect but never done anything terrible. DD cut herself off many years ago and there are 2 GC I've never seen. Yes I've tried everything over the years but she won't communicate at all, even when she was told I had cancer. She has never told anyone why. DS won't broach it with her and I've never asked him to as it's not his problem. DS and DIL kindly invited me for late breakfast xmas day and as always they barely spoke to me. They just don't communicate. I get no answer when I speak to them about anything from world affairs to the weather or things that are important to them or me. I make the 220 mile trek by train (not in good health) every month to see them (and to help terminally ill elderly parents) but it's so disheartening to be blanked for hours. I do hate feeling barely tolerated. Though considering how my DD treats me I am VERY grateful to be included in their lives at all. When any of DIL's family drop in DS and DIL chat with them non-stop and are so friendly it's like a knife in my guts. I have asked why they don't speak to me and DIL says she and DS 'run on logic and only speak when there's something to say'. Yet they're only like that with me. After years of being pleasant and rising above it while dying inside I'm feeling inclined to treat them the same when I visit and make it solely about my 4 y o DGD, who is the light of my life and we have a lovely relationship. Again I am VERY grateful to be allowed this. Despite my dodgy body I get on the floor and play silly games, cuddle lots and we talk non-stop. I hate feeling unhappy and sorry for myself and I know there are others hugely worse off. My problem is where to put those hurt feelings. They are so hard to live with every day but at times like these they take me over. I bought my kids up alone from ages 2 and 3 after their dad cleared off, then lost my health and career 13 years ago but manage my life well. I have many interests and do charitable activities. U3A has been brilliant for me and I have good friends but the pain of rejection is always there and worse on special days. My 56th birthday on NYE. Gosh this is a mega-long whiney rant! I'm actually quite cheerful otherwise. Sorry GNers. I'll shut up now. Thanks for allowing me this outlet even if no-one reads it. Happy New Year to you all. x

I see your DS continues to be insufferably rude Ruby - you are an angel to put up with this. I'm afraid I'd have stopped housing, feeding and financing him a long time ago (((hugs)))

I was so sorry to read your post Rubylady; how upsetting for you, I hope you're having a better day today and your son has at least had the decency to say 'sorry'. I wonder why we have that old saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me', when words can do cause so much pain and the hurt can go on for years.andfor you.

I hope you managed to carry on muddling through yesterday Nelliemoser, that today is a better day and you have a great time with your DD & co tomorrow and for the duration of their stay.

Had it not been for our DS and d.i.l.'s invitation to come to Oz I know
Mr. S. and me would have struggled yesterday even though we'd have had family and friends to share the day with. You can be in a room full of people that you love, and still feel the pain for the loved one who isn't there.

I hope you all manage to enjoy the rest of the festive period.

Thank God for BBC Radio 4 at times like this. There is usually something worth listening to when all else fails.

I am just about muddling through. OH has typically wandered off upstairs doing something on his computer.

My son and daughter both called early which was nice, but DD, then at her MILs with my DGS's and their young cousins left me feeling more out of celebration mode when DD skyped me from there.

I should not begrudge them this, as my co-granny's GCs live in the EU and she does not see as much of her other GCs as I see of mine. (They all live 50 miles away from us and co-granny has a lot of family near her.) I would never want my DGS's to miss out on their cousins.

It is OHs unwillingness to engage in any "fun" activities that makes me feel lonely. He has always seemed reluctant to play board games etc with the kids when they were small. Actually fun is not a concept he understands at all.
I get DD & co on Sunday for a couple of nights

Hope you're all having at least an OK day, especially those alone

Myself and OH are just having a quiet day, not huge amount on TV for us, but may rewatch a favourite film later. We did have a laugh this morning, watching our 2 new kittens exploring the island, one suddenly took it into his head to try and jump to shore - needless to say he had a rather chilly dip and realised he could swim!!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=99mApf9pfb4

Wishing you all well xx

Oh rubylady, I'm so sorry! How rude and ungrateful! I'm glad you put the games away! The way he acted, I don't think he deserves them!

TBF, maybe he really had been hoping for "something for his computer" and at his age, he may not be that into playing games with his mother. But to blow it all off that way? Whatever happened to saying "thank you," no matter what and "it's the thought that counts?!" You must have been so shocked and hurt! (((Hugs!)))

It seems DS is a teenager, however. so maybe it's best to chalk it up to adolescence and let it go at that. Maybe he'll think better of it later and apologize. I hope so.

Granny, I'm glad you're thinking about safety and such. You're a very kind and generous person but you (general) can't be too careful these days. In fact, while I'm sorry things didn't work out with wrong number lady, I was a little worried about that, too. While I don't think she's dangerous or anything, you just never know if someone could be a thief or whatever. So maybe it's just as well.

Candelle, so sorry about DGS. Hope he feels better later and your day isn't ruined. But if not, hope you can see him on another day soon.

Gabrielle, thanks for the good wishes! Same to you! And Merry Xmas, everyone!

Well, what a disaster today has been! My DS opened his presents and then walked out! I had bought him games for us to spend time together (he's had neary 3K this year from a compensation claim so has bought what he wanted for himself), so I thought some games for us to enjoy was a good idea but as usual he told me that they were c**p and that he wanted something for his computer and something to remember me by seeing as he is leaving for university next year.

I had the turkey in the oven when I got up so I've tidied up the wrapping and presents (they've gone in the pantry, he's not having them if he doesn't appreciate them) and I've just had hot turkey crispy rolls, lovely. But then I spilt my coffee all over the table, over my phone, cards and presents yet to give.

Hopefully, next year, when I am on my own, it will be much better and I won't have anyone putting me down for what I get them. Not a happy bunny today.

grannyactivist what a shame, on many levels.

Hopefully your lady will be somewhere enjoyable but how annoying that social services have not responded to your calls. I guess they are very overworked.

Just a thought; I suppose your lady is OK.... and not stuck in her home.......

You have the knowledge that even if she doesn't turn up, you did a lovely thing in inviting over.

Merry Christmas!

Well my 'wrong number' lady has gone into respite care I think. Social services haven't returned my calls so I don't know for sure; I've called at the house and tried telephoning, but she hasn't been home now for two days. I know S.S. were trying to find a care home to take her for Christmas week, possibly with a view to her staying longer - so at least if she doesn't turn up for lunch tomorrow I will assume she won't be on her own, but will hopefully be in the middle of a jolly Christmas lunch with others of her own age. As I'm a virtual stranger I do understand why no-ones telling me anything, but it's a bit frustrating.

I am surprisingly relaxed, but then both my sons are in regular contact so not as deeply affected as others. I haven't bothered with the tree and stuff. I have arthritis in both shoulders and any faffing or fiddling around kicks it off big time. I would have been delighted to do it all if any grandchildren were coming, otherwise it's just a pain....quite literally. I have had my order from Ocado delivered with lots of treats. I lost four stones three years ago, and have managed to keep it off, so I won't go too mad.....she says, eyeing the big box of Thorntons chocolates, and the salted caramel pudding. I have lots of good books on my kindle, plus some audio books, and I'm looking forward to watching Downton and the Midwives. Best of all I decided to treat myself to the new Pro Ipad with the large screen, and it is wonderful and easier on my shoulder.

I wish everyone the best day possible tomorrow, and despite all the sadness, that no one loses hope for the future.

Whilst strictly speaking, I will not be on my own as DH will be with me, we have just received a call from our DD to say that DGS is ill and has taken to his bed (unheard of).

The suggestion is, that unless his condition has improved in the morning, we don't go over for our Christmas lunch (in case we pick up his lurgy).

We obviously hope our DGS feels better quickly but it may be beans on toast for us then tomorrow. Ho hum.

Oh, sola, I see you did come back in. Hope you will fill us in on more details soon. Meanwhile, have a restful Christmas.

Sola, I'm so sorry you'll be alone on Christmas. (((Hugs))) I hope you come back in and answer the questions GNers have asked you to round out the picture. It's not clear whether DS and DIL always do this to you or are alternating holidays or what.

Like PPs, it would be hard for me to leave someone alone on Christmas. However, if it his ILs "turn" to have him and DIL, this year, and if they're the hosts, he can't very well force them to invite you. If they're the kind who only want their own family members or if there are tensions between you and them, then they really might not see it as a good idea. If I were his MIL, I would probably have invited you. DEFINITELY IF I knew you would be alone otherwise. But not everybody is like that, of course.

SrWendy - So there are two of us - Wendys, I mean! LOL!

But my heart goes out to you on the passing of your DH and your DDs. How tragic to lose even one child, let alone more than one. So deeply sorry.

Glad that your DS' ILs are including you in Christmas this year. Hopefully, it all goes well and will, as a result, happen again.

My heart is with everyone here who will be alone tomorrow and Friday. I hope you find enjoyable things to do, treat yourself to a delicious meal and/or indulge your choice to eat our of the can, and, perhaps, find some fun and solace by joining other GNers here.

sola, a pleasure. I hope they help a bit.

Candelle, Thank you for this. I will try and watch the programme, and listen to You and Yours. Many thanks.

I didn't watch the programme last night, but do know that there are some very lonely people about. I remember once hearing that you shouldn't get annoyed in a supermarket queue when someone chats to the check out operator, it may be the only person they have spoken to all day, or even in a couple of days. I'm afraid that I chat to all and sundry, queues, buses, bus stops, you name it, I do it. Got practically the whole life story once from a lady. Another elderly lady, who lives quite far out of town, has not contemplated moving nearer the town centre, because she wants to leave her property to her " boys". One is a GP and has been to the Carribbean three times this year, so I doubt he needs her money. But she sometimes resorts to just standing at the front door to see if she can catch the attention of a passerby. It's a shame these days when the population is so mobile, before when you lived near family and friends, there always seemed to be someone ' just around the corner' or next door.

The programme had me in tears too. It made me count my blessings as, although I live alone, I am in contact with DDs and GCs. I felt for the woman who had spent her life worrying about her family and hadn't told them how lonely she was because she didn't want to bother them. I don't know of anyone on their own locally, but I have invited single people for Christmas in the past.

Blast! I meant to watch that programme.

There are a lot of lonely people out there who obviously don't get to talk to anyone from one day to another. The 'baskets only' till at our small, local supermarket is usually manned by older staff. I wonder if this is deliberate policy as it's the till most often used by the 'elderly' with just one or two items in their basket. This sort of screams out 'person on their own'.

Theses staff and very willing to enjoy a chat with these older people and happily hold the queue up, and I now appreciate how this may be one of the few conversations they have on the course of their day. I've started glaring at giving a hard look at younger impatient customers further down the line, but feel guilty that once this might have been my reaction.

I watched the programme last night at 7.30 about lonely people. It had me in tears. How anyone can leave a person that raised them without contact for months in cruel. There were people who had lost their partners and had no family, who went week after week with no one to talk to. One young man in his 20's, with a job, was good looking, well spoken but shy, was so desperately lonely it broke your heart. You would have thought he would have no trouble finding a partner. From now one I am going to be aware of this universal problem. I thought it was just really old people whose families had forgotten them that were lonely. I have
completely changed my view of retirement villages, the one lady who went in there was 73, desperately sad and lonely, blossomed, she had a smile on her face most of the time and said she felt part of the world again. Her place was rented and there are not many about. With an older population more are needed for those that afford to buy and those that can't.

Sola, I don't suppose you'll be readng Granset at this very moment but I wanted to advise that there is programme on television this evening that may be of use to you - it is named 'Lonely at Christmas'. It can be found on ITV at 7.30pm this evening.

The was also a programme on the radio today (Radio 4), named 'You and Yours'. It was broadcast from 12.15pm. During this programme listeners spoke of their view of lonliness and how they conquered it.

U3A seemed like a suitable place to begin, by initiating contact with like-minded people.

I hope these programmes and information may be of a little help.

Regards