Internet infidelity

It so easy to say 'just divorce him' but would your quality of life, house, companionship etc., be better without him? I know people don't change and you can't trust him, but can you put that part of him in a separate compartment, and just enjoy the bits that are O.K?

Sometimes it a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water. Ultimately, it's only you who can decide , I wish you best luck xxx

dear Madaboutbooks,

I feel your pain.

I won't go into detail but my husband had a 2 1/2 year affair some 30 years ago. We spilt up on and off over that period . I won't go into detail but there are a few things I'd like to share with you.

I always thought any infidelity would be cut and dried - he'd be gone. The truth of it wasn't like that all. I still loved him , I just hated him too! I didn't want to be a single parent etc.

So I pulled myself together , got the first of what would be 3 degrees and made a life for my girls and myself. He did come back, because I allowed it, it wasn't his choice! We worked through it - and it was tough - but it's just been our 39th wedding anniversary . And we're good.

For that to work though , you both have to want it and your husband doesn't sound like he wants it enough.

It also sounds like he has too much free time to get into mischief. That's just an observation not an excuse.

But you're his wife not his keeper , if he wants to cheat he will.

So this isn't about him at all.... It's about you . Take your time to work out what you want. Get your affairs in order. Get your pension paid into your own account. If he complains explain, you're protecting yourself. It's his CHOICE that's got him in this position and no sane woman would be funding his route to infidelity.

My husband got a shock when he realised his safety net had a hole in it :-)

Take whatever time you need but don't let him guilt trip you into thinking this is your fault . I think every unfaithful man in the world uses that one. And it's not !! He's a grown up, he's made his choices , seems like a little bit of reality won't go amiss.

I wish you a happy future whether you stay or go , just let it be your choice not his.

A note to madaboutbooks none of us here are YOU, and only you know how you really want to play this.It is easy to give advice on somebody else's marriage, we are not marriage counsellors, but good luck whichever waybit goes.

Hello Mad,
If he had done this once, and it had perhaps been a one-night stand/moment of madness/drunken fling. I would have said this had mid-life crisis written all over it.

However..... the fact he went onto a website that specifically deals in extra-marital affairs means he must have been surfing the net deliberately looking. Where did he get the idea from?

You mention his credit card has taking a battering, well I do hope it is his credit card and not yours. I would in no way be funding my husbands infidelity to me and, if this is what is happening you will have to decide are you going to fund and tolerate this for the rest of your marriage, or indeed your life?

I think you have much to consider, sadly I think he wants out and is using this as a means to drive YOU out.The one piece of advice I will give you - DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME. See a solicitor.

I'm sorry to read your post Mab and agree with the others- you deserve to be treated with more respect. He's playing mind games with you saying he's going to end the relationships then not. By keeping his options open, your husband is making it more distressing for you. It seems to me that you need to stabilise the situation by taking charge a bit. Begin to make a plan. Assess your financial situation; look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing and finances. It may shock him into focusing on the real issues.

He's made his choices and now it's your turn - choose a better life. Believe me, I've been there and you don't need a liar and a cheat in your life.

When your marriage is falling apart it feels scary and fears of an uncertain future are very real, but do you really want to hang onto this person who hurts and deceives you? Don’t allow fear to make your decisions.

Thinking of you.

The usual excuse is to blame the other person, in this case you.

No, you are not to blame. Leave him to his habitual affairs and make a wonderful new life for yourself. I know that 24 years is a long time, but you are still young enough to be working and have your own pension, hold your head up and just do it.

The fact that he has been to a hotel room with a woman would finish it for me.
Only you can decide if you love him and could put up with this repeated behaviour.

Me..... I'd see a solicitor and don't let on to him.
This is so you know what your financial position would be and you can have a think about that. If/when you tell him to go, you will have considered it well, and will do it with confidence.
And also take the feet from below the ar$e !!
That should give him enough excitement to be going on with and he can meet up with as many on-liners as he wants.

I got divorced 24yrs ago ,I had not worked for 20 of those years as I was bringing up our children and also he had a good job .He had an affair and promised to end it but of course he didnt.What I'm try ing to say is a leopard doesnt change its spots, so get out , you don't need him . I am now happily remarried and he treats me and my now grown up daughters like princesses.

I think the point is though, that this man had not previously strayed( presumably) and the OP loves him and wants the marriage to work.Anyone can make a mistake and wish they hadn't, however, agreed, that you can't keep forgiving forever ( although some do.)

I wouldn't want a man that didn't want me. That simple. Whose to say he will be there when she needs him? We are too old to have to deal with such games.

Married blokes who chat up women at the pub probably get a high out of it too but if they take it further, as this guy has done, it's simply infidelity as FinnMcCool said.

Not sure I agree with others.At least not until you have had a real heart to heart talk with him.These sites are probably addictive, and he gets a high just from talking to women on there, never mind anything more.Is he depressed, did this behaviour start when he retired? You are working all day, he is alone and possibly bored? Sounds as if he loves you and doesn't want to break up.After a talk, tell him that you will definitely go if he does it again, but that you won't keep bringing it up and hitting him over the head with it.This is all, of course, if you actually love him, and don't want your marriage to end.

Yes please look out for yourself. He has no regard for your feelings. The thrill of the conquest and excitement is probably like a drug and he'd never stop until his health gives out or till he actually got help which doesn't seem likely.You deserve someone who respects you.

He needs to be shown the door pronto but only after you have found a good solicitor so that you do not have to give away too much to this ratbag. He may beg and plead but he will never change and if he is now retired, he probably has a lot of time on his hands for his philandering ways.

You are never going to trust him again, are you? Also, for him to blame his infidelity on your 'pushing him away' physically, is rotten. Shows him up to be the weak man he is. You definitely deserve so much better, Madaboutbooks.
I would chuck him out, for sure - but see a solicitor. You've had enough problems without having to concern yourself with having to share your hard-earned money on this philanderer.

Sorry to hear you have had to put up with this unkind and deceitful behaviour. I think your husband has had quite enough chances and
I agree that you should see a solicitor before doing anything hasty. Don't leave your home. It's important that you protect your financial position and get a fair share of the joint assets.

Good luck.

4 times!!! He's not going to change I'm so sorry but he's not. You will have to make a HUGE decision here either to put up with it or kick this loser out!!

Take legal advice - you deserve better.

Sorry he's been such an ar$e madaboutbooks.
Agree with everything above. Doesn't sound like he is likely to take responsibility for himself and his actions, which makes it very hard to progress.
I suppose if I were in that situation I would try to balance if I wanted to carry on financially sharing everything but living more or less separate lives, or cut my losses and live independently.
So far there's not really been much talk of emotions, wonder how you feel about it all?
Solicitor should help clarify your options financially.
I know this will make me seem heartless and cruel but I would be thinking about my quality of life and finances - what kind of house would I prefer to live in, do I really want to split everything 50/50, erm how is his health....?
Heartless I know, sorry
All the best to you, hope you come out of it in a better position than you were before.

Just think of yourself and your needs. On the face of it it would seem you will be better off without him. Remember about leopards, he isn't going to change.

Another thing is, he reckons he only started straying because I pushed him away physically. That is not true and probably just an excuse to try and make me feel bad. He also seems threatened by my academic qualifications, not having any himself.

Glad to hear it. He has had enough chances and you don't need to put up with his disrespect.

Thanks for all your comments so far.

Don't worry, FinnMcCool, I have my own separate account and money I earn goes into that. I do have a works pension, which at the moment goes into the joint account.

He also now keeps his mobile phone on his person at all times, which of course adds to my suspicions.

I shall definitely be seeing a solicitor.

I am so sorry to hear this.
But you have to be realistic now, don't you?
It's not going to change unless he really wants to and so far he has shown few signs of sticking to his promises I am afraid.
You have been given good advice re seeing a solicitor, act now before it gets even more complicated, but make sure you protect yourself financially whatever you do.

I agree with everything above.