Retired husband advice please!

Some of your story Irene resonates with my own. Living with DH was 'okay', given that he is/was a high-functioning alcoholic, whilst he was working.
He retired as soon as he could, at 60, whilst I carried on working F/T doing a job I loved. Very soon I would be arriving home to a mean and moody man, fed up being in his own company all day and tired of 'looking after the dog' (a dog who was never walked by him but he did take over the feeding of her).
I reduced my hours, thinking that would make life more bearable for him and would ease me into a reluctant retirement. The reluctance was that we had no shared plans, no shared anything. He gradually stopped driving, stopped shopping for food, he did still do the cooking from time to time, and he would disappear to bed around 3 p.m. for an afternoon nap (nothing wrong with that but it was fuelled by his alcohol, which he started drinking earlier and earlier in the day) and he would stay there until 7 or 8 p.m. This meant I had often cooked the evening meal and sat and ate it on my own.
We stayed in different rooms in the evening, me watching the TV, he watching stuff on his ipad and smoking (I'm a non-smoker).
Eventually he stopped having baths and showers, just washed his face and hair in water. The towels and pillows he used smelled. He started wearing the same clothes in bed as he did during the day.
He was impossible to confront with this issues as he has a narcissistic personality, I read about this a couple of years ago and he ticked most of the boxes. Hence he is 'okay, wonderful, the best' and it is everyone else that isn't. The drink meant that it was often 'light blue touch paper and retire' and he could rage for hours.
Two years ago someone said to me 'You deserve better' and I realised I had fallen out of love with DH. I left. At the end of this month I can start to divorce on separation grounds. I have never regretted leaving him, apart from missing a cup of tea in bed at the start of the day.
I now have a wonderful social life, lots of genuine friends and my calendar is full.
I do miss having a special 'someone' but heyho, its 2016 and anything can happen.

I suppose I want to say that, parting may sound scary and it certainly brings out every emotion under the sun and it is not easy... it really isn't easy ...but time can bring a healing.
DH now has a girlfriend (she was lurking in the background), has been abroad on holiday and has a car again, so I think it shook him out of his skin.

I think he needs a short sharp shock!

Oops.. Only read half the replies as didn't realise there was page2 as well!
Wow, there's a whole lot of it going on out there, why do certain traits get worse as they age? Apparently over 60's are the biggest age group for divorce. Wonder why
About me, as someone kindly asked. I consider myself very lucky in life. I have great children and grandchildren a good job, a few good friends, a nice home. I am grateful everyday for who I am. I have had depression, once severely and once not quite so severe. At the time you don't think you will ever be happy again so you really appreciate it when you emerge. I worked really hard at becoming resilient and find I handle things better now.
In reply to several people who say staying in bed can be a sign of depression, I do agree but he doesn't sleep all the time, he listens to radio 4, watches tv and goes on line. He is just lazy. He does want to go bike riding and play golf but wants me to go as well. I am dangerous on a bike and life's too short for golf! I have so much to think about with all the replies, thank you and good luck to all out there experiencing the same thing.

I though we had the same husband at first but mine never cooked so knew it wasn't. I put up with it 39 years and it only took one little thing and I realised what was I doi g with him. Forget me saying to myself many times that he might change - they rarely do. I should have got divorced over 30 years ago but kept thinking he'd change and could nice if for a few weeks then he'd go back to being arrogant selfish know it all criticising me and never giving the kids encouragement moody ( he never spoke to me once for 6 months and that was after my dad died). I gave myself a birthday present 7 years ago and that was to see a divorce solicitor and start proceedings. Of course he couldn't understand why I could want a divorce from him but I had to do it as I knew when he retired he'd be sitting In front of the tv from the minute he got up until he went to bed. He didnt get a solicitor or a barrister and it took 3 years after the divorce to get him to put our house on the market. I am now living apart from him waiting to move into a flat and it was the best thing I ever did. It'll be difficult financially but that's all. Sorry to go on but don't waste time on someone who doesn't appreciate you. Life is too short x

Thank you again for your replies. Jacqui, I am happy for you with a new lease of life ahead of you! How did your husband react when you said you were leaving?
I do feel better for unburdening myself and 'talking' to my peers. As it's not all bad all the time, mostly I can adjust and adapt and just get on but there is inevitably a boiling point to be reached and mine was the baggy pants and teeth incident (plus being in bed for 18 hours!)
Caramac, the whole stonewalling thing was awful. Our DD fell out with him over his behaviour, though they are fine now.
Several of you mention getting balance for yourself and this is my current mission. I will see how things go for a while longer. We will be downsizing before long so that will be my time to go if things don't improve. There should just be enough for a flat each in this area or a house if we move out.
My sympathies lie with everyone out there enduring difficult times with difficult partners. thank goodness for an outlet!

I am separated from a man who invented the passive/aggressive technique. Weeks would go by where he would barely speak a word to me or kids, but he would intensify his mood and we would know he was there.
Then I discovered he was hooking up with dodgy/need to be paid for women on the Internet. Long story, but I did a Babushka on him and slung him out.
Now I am sad and lonely. Have kept him on good terms for the now grown up kids.
Once ancient dog is dead, am considering buggering off in a camper van, except I have a slight phobia driving over bridges these days. Will have to plot route carefully. Fancy joining me?

Irene 2108, if your other half did not speak to you for three months because you said something he didn't like that is sheer cruelty. It is highly manipulative behaviour and it is certainly deliberate. Withholding is one of the most corrosive of passive aggressive traits. Taken along with all the other difficult forms of behaviour your husband is exhibiting I think you need to put an end to the current situation before you become depressed yourself. You could try counselling, involving the family or seeing some other sort of professional. However, I would make it clear to him that divorce is very much on the cards if no alternative can be found whereby you are happy. Better a clean break and a new start than some messy arrangement whereby you share a house.

Your posts are all about him. What about you?

Seldom has a post influenced my waking moments so much. Maybe because some aspects of your life are mirrored in mine though I have 97 per cent happiness and occasional blips. My OH is seven years older than me but sometimes the gap can be immense, particularly as his health is now causing problems. We ran our own business for nearly 30 years and worked in a partnership , never treading on each others toes, although in a bad time we did empty a mentor to translate each others feelings about the business! I do hope that all the replies have given you some comfort, but do not expect him to change. I have turned to hobbies of walking, setting myself goals each day and spend a great deal of time talking to friends and family on line. I also write, novels mainly, but also short stories which enable to escape from my worries and allow me a time to perhaps write OH into a piece, oh its so cathartic to moan about him. But when he was unable this weekend to attend our granddaughters christening due to illness ( again) I had a glimpse of life without him. Sort your head out, [put everything into perspective, and keep talking, even virtual 'friends' can help you. I think you will find a way through, but maybe in a most unexpected way. Keep sharing your thoughts, x

See my recent post.

It took some time for DH to fill his days. He couldn't play golf because of his bad back. In the end we bought a dog, who he adores- it's become his main wife! The dog has become a therapy dog and DH goes to schools with her to help SEN children with reading etc.

He also has reignited his interest in stamp collecting. Did your DH have any hobbies or interests before he retired? Now's the time to start again.

DH also has become a keen gardener and is happy to fill his days with watching cricket & going to football matches. His boredom threshold is higher than mine, so it works well.

Your situation sounds intolerable at the moment.

I was in a similar position to you when DH retired 7 years ago. I wasn't ready to go on coach trips and sit there whilst he decided what to do/or not for the day.

I took up lots of voluntary work and increased my bridge playing at a local club, to fill up the empty days. DH somehow filled his days with TV and gardening but felt very resentful that he 'didn't have a wife any more'.

Anyway, we got very close to divorcing a couple of years ago, as we felt we'd grown apart. Our saviour was some couples counselling. It brought a lot of long standing hurts and resentments to the fore and we suddenly realised how much we meant to each other.

I feel you should either consider counselling together or just tell him, in a loving way, how your present living conditions impact negatively on you. If you don't do it now, your situation will fester and get worse.

It's hard to do this as after all these years and you probably don't want to cause too much friction. But believe me, it's better to bring this out in the open. DH might admit he feels lost and depressed.

In my case, we now have a dog sitter every Tuesday and do something together. That day is sacrosanct. We've joined the National Trust, I look at gardens with him and we take long walks together.

We still have our own rooms for TV watching and even seperate bedrooms, as he snores so much and keeps moving around in bed because of his bad back. Don't worry, we still find time to cuddle!

Retirement is considered a very dangerous time for couples and you hve to renegotiate your relationship and come to some kind of resolution.

Good luck and stay strong!

Hi Irene,
I feel so sorry for you. It must be so awful. I think it is not the best situation to be both in the same house all the time and under each others feet. Even the strongest marriage would suffer.
i am just retired and my husband works part time. Gosh I love it when he is at work and I have my freedom back!
I think you have to find a work-a-round somehow. Carry on with your own routines and "let him be”. To force change would be a battle. He has to change on his own.
Is there any way you can find a joint interest - no matter how tiny- like listening to the news together or (horror) watch a tv football match with him. Take tiny, baby steps and see how it goes.
P.S. you didn’t intend it but the baggy pants and gappy teeth combo made me smile. ??
I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you keep in touch with us all here to give you morale support.

My husband retires today after over fifty year's of service to the community. He is just getting over a cancer operation with a 50/50 chance of it recurring. He is a man who's only interest has been his work and I'm apprehensive as to what is in store in the the coming months and years.

After reading Irene's very real problem, I think, everyone needs a reason to get up for in the morning. This is much easier for a woman as we all have domestic duties that need our attention, but for a man without any hobbies this can become a problem. I wonder how we can give retired men who haven't any obvious interests a reason to get up, dress presentively and do something that gives them satisfaction? I'm racking my brains right now as to how to achieve this end. If anyone has ideas, I would be grateful to hear them.

Just thought I would say how I cope with clashing TV viewing. I have my own I-Pad with good headphones. I then watch whatever I want to watch at the time of my choosing. BBC and ITV all have apps for catch up TV and subscriptions to Netflix or amazon prime gives access to hundreds of films and TV shows. It was my salvation through the World Cup and hours of Golf and other sport. There are lots of cheaper tablets out there which will do the same thing but all will give you your own personal viewing experience.

Irene I've just read this thread and am so sorry for the situation you are in. I'm wondering about support for you. Is there is a friend you can share this honestly with? Or your doctor? I wonder what the family think of this behaviour. Hoarding to the extent you describe is an illness and often is rooted in anxiety. A medical assessment would be a good plan if it can happen. Photos would help the doctor understand if a home visit isn't possible. Your DH could be treated if he would accept it. However this works out I do hope you can be supported and can enjoy life again. Sending hugs and

Irene, I feel so deeply for you. What a difficult situation this must be! My DH and I both had to make some adjustments as each of us retired, but nothing as serious as what you're dealing with. I am so sorry.

How can you be so sure he is not depressed? I don't have any formal knowledge of depression, but I've always heard that one sign of it is staying in bed a lot. IMO, DH needs to be checked out by a doctor and maybe go for some counseling (if he's willing).

I think some counseling might be helpful for you, also, just to help you more ways of coping with this situation. When he sees that you're going, maybe he'll want to go too, just to see "what it's all about."

Meanwhile, I think the idea of separating your home to the degree that you can is a good one. Also, have you asked him to take on/ share some chores like walking the dog some of the time? Perhaps if you let him know it's too much for you to have to do it all the time?

And maybe you can give him a deadline for when he needs to begin to clear out that clutter, with the understanding that if he doesn't start by then, you'll go ahead and do it yourself? Would he accept that or freak out? Just floating some ideas... I know that, in the end, divorce may be the only answer, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

All I can say is that the two years it took to get rid of my very similar (now) ex H were worth it! Sorry but life is too short - if he can't make an effort for your happiness why make the effort to excuse and understand him? It takes two to make a relationship work, however long it has endured.

A friend of mine dumped her self-centred husband of 45 years last Christmas and she says she has never been happier.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/hoarding/Pages/Introduction.aspx

There maybe helpful comments here.

Totally agree OlderNoWiser, situations differ and only we can decide what is intolerable and it is not for others to judge. Following a breakdown several years ago, I believe I am well qualified to say how living in such a relationship can impact on your mental wellbeing. I am, dare I say, older and wiser (sorry!) from my experience and simply saying to Irene to consider and take care of herself.

He might well love but it's very much on his terms. This degree of selfishness is unacceptable imo. Look at the definition of domestic abuse and you might be surprised at how some of his actions fit. Not speaking for 3 months?????? I would be looking for a place of my own and living my life the way I want too. Sorry to be harsh but you deserve better.

This is the situation I am in, Luckygirl. Having been married for almost 30 years to a selfish, emotionally cold man who does not communicate other than to indicate his own opinions and wishes I decided a couple of years ago that I would leave him.

Around the same time he was diagnosed with a terminal illness that has a life expectancy of around 3 years, so I decided that a divorce would make no sense under those circumstances. We are now 2 years further down the line and his condition is worsening. Without wanting to sound callous or horrible I can say, he is still the same man I would have left and has not changed for the better in any way. The fact that he is ill and dying is not my fault and I would still leave him today if, for example, the life expectancy was 10 years, just as an example.

Life presents us with all kinds of strange situations and choices and only we can decide what is best for us at the end of the day. I think what matters is that we ourselves can live with our decisions.

Jacqui - And if OH is ill with a progressive disease, how then do we " have compassion for ourselves and foremost consider our own health and well being, putting us back into the driving seat of OUR lives and not an unhappy 'passenger'"?

There are many of us on here for whom the choice that you have made cannot be possible as we have responsibilities that override our personal needs. We simply have to try and concentrate on the good things: GC, family, music etc. The choice that you have made is only possible because your OH is able to function as an independent person. Would you do it if he were dependent on you?

Hi Irene, am not sure where to start as much of your situation mirrors my own. 38 years married. He too is very intelligent and 'not a bad man' and 'is happy living life his way'. He is not prepared to bend either for me or anyone else. He is retired, has no friends and no interest in socialising, indeed avoids it and like your research Aspergers seems to be an indicator.

Living in this controlling relationship takes its toll, it is very stressful and we are the ones who concede again and again and our needs are not met or even considered. We are constantly having to consider, adjust, accommodate, manage and mediate situations forced upon us by their inflexible chosen lifestyles. That isn't a partnership.

We MUST have compassion for ourselves and foremost consider our own health and wellbeing, putting us back into the driving seat of OUR lives and not an unhappy 'passenger'.

I have, and once house is sold, I shall be moving close to DD, DSiL and DGD, with my DS, all of whom are supportive. Yes, I am grieving, I still care deeply, but am back in control of my life and terrifying that it is, I am motivated as his insular lifestyle will be just that, his..and not mine. I am hoping we can remain friends for our family's sake.

My situation aside, what I am saying is please take care of your emotional wellbeing as I know to my cost how it chips away and we lose who we really are.

Stay strong and I really do wish you all the best in your life.

How I sympathise with your situation and I do hope these posts have helped even through just unburdening yourself.
I retired myself 9 months ago which forces me to spend 24/7 with my DP who has no friends and literally no hobbies or interests although he is supportive and caring. Also our house is tiny so that if I am at home I can't get away from him. Although I go out a lot I never get any time on my own at home as he won't go out. He is also partly disabled, frequently ill and much diminished after a stroke 5 years ago so unable to do typical male hobbies - if only he played golf or was a train spotter!! Any interests I have more or less forced him to start such as U3A just peter out after a few sessions and he finds an excuse not to carry on. I can't describe how irritated by and sometimes repulsed I am by him! However, leaving is out if the question financially so I decided to try and be more sympathetic and loving to him and to an extent it has worked and I am getting used to the feeling of claustrophobia although I still lose it and snap at him from time to time. After living alone for some years for me it is on balance preferable to have somebody to share your life with, share meals and laugh at TV programmes and occasionally go out together even if he is far from perfect just like me! It sounds like you don't even get the benefit of companionship but only you can judge what balance is right for you.
Returning to the original post other contributers have rightly said that his behaviour is very far from the norm and speculated about depression and a possible diagnosis on the autism spectrum. I would like to add that it is also possible that he is displaying some of the earliest signs of dementia. At first, as I know with my own mother who after nearly ten years of dementia died this year, the signs are very subtle but looking back there were definite changes in her behaviour , loss of empathy with others and she lost her sense of smell before the classic early signs of forgetting people, unable to navigate etc. Although there are common themes in dementia each person has their own unique version depending on their personality and environment. Others for example lose their inhibitions which my Mum never did.
You may need to take your children fully into your confidence although they might not be sympathetic and try to minimise what you are saying to them to preserve their own view of the father they love. You might perhaps underestimate the split in the family that could happen if you do leave him. Adult children can react very badly to a change in the status quo if parents divorce, they can take sides and as they are only human they will naturally think (even if somewhat selfishly) about what this means for them will they have to end up caring for their father? What about their inheritance? Again you will need to pre judge this for yourself.

When I worked in the Women 's Refuge we classed all the women ( after they had had time to have a long rest) as depressed if they spent the day in bed. It sounds as if he is in a real emotional mess, that he won't be able to get out it of himself.
You have to seperate in your house if possible. Make one room your own amd work in it and sleep in it and lock the door. You have to keep yourself sane and he has to come to terms with his own condition. As long as he gets meals served etc he is just being spoilt.
Actually it is a money problem. Rich people don't have these problems they have several houses and flats on the Riviera which they can go to and Mrs Churchill spent half the year travelling and staying with friends in the South of France and was not living with 'Winston' with his black dog moods.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Now I am on here I will endeavour to help/advise other members. It's a wonderful tribe to be in!
Rascal, I think your reply hit a nerve. My husband is very intelligent but does lack social skills. I have researched endlessly during the down times we have had to try and understand his behaviours and aspergers is one I have gone back to many times.
He is not a horrible person but has just become incredibly selfish about how he spends his time.
Synonymous, yes they are his GC and he does interact to a point i.e, till they talk back!! We also have a dog and he does like the dog but has no real interest in walking him. I walk the dog for some solitude!
Like Rascals sister I am building a life for myself but I do include him when he wants to be included.
I don't think I want to divorce him really but sometimes...you know you just get that massive black cloud over you and that's when I am likely to be a bit impetuous and like one lady said it then becomes a runaway train. I could be on that train today if I hadn't vented on here instead!!
I feel calm and more in control. Thank you.