Retired husband advice please!

Dinner in his underpants! And no teeth. He is pushing his luck. I weathered the first years of retirement and it was a struggle but nothing as bad as that. It was/ is the endless sky news for me. You have my sympathy but there will be much more constructive advice coming.

I'm only surprised you haven't divorced him already.

Sorry but I would be out the door and away if OH ever appeared like that , it is sooooooooo disrespectful . Seriously he sounds either a pain or depressed !!

Is he depressed as aggie has suggested?

I understand your feeling that someone has the right to send their retirement as they wish; but none of us can live any phase of our lives exactly as we wish if we are sharing our home with another person. There always needs to be some give and take.

Have you thought of taking a holiday somewhere and leaving him to fettle for himself temporarily? It would give you time and space to think and would be an interesting experiment to see what he actually got round to doing when left to his own devices.

Thanks for your posts ladies. I'm not sure what I was expecting in replies as I have had such dark thoughts about him recently that I was thinking I needed a reality check and perhaps things weren't/aren't as bleak as I was thinking. However they actually are! i really try and see the best in him as he can be so kind and caring to all the family and I try to remember those times but as he gets older he is getting terrifyingly like his dad and believe me that's not a good thing.
Stansgran, I too have sky news and anything political when he is up and dressed! Also Saturday's are sacrosanct with wall to wall sky sports.
It gets worse, he is also a bit of a hoarder and although I keep most of it at bay in 1 large bedroom, a study, the loft and the shed it has now crept up the side passage with loads of useless eBay junk. He has promised for years to declutter but it never happens. We also have a perfectly good unused car which should have been sold 18 months ago but he stores stuff in that too. Just reading this almost makes me laugh hysterically, am I mad? Or just stupid!!
Aggie and Luckygirl, he is definitely not depressed but does suffer anxiety which is part of the hoarding thing.
I did get as far as serving him with divorce papers about 2 years ago but I got cold feet and thought he would change. It wasn't over the retiring thing it was much more involved including things like not talking to me for 3 months when I said something he didn't like, but I thought after a divorce scare things would get better and yes they did but old leopards don't change their spots!
Thank you all for your responses

Aggie, I have been away without him and he is fine and if he wasn't he would never admit it anyway. He just lived on takeaways and he isn't a huge eater anyway. Thank you!

If you can afford to divorce ( and both have somewhere to live and enough money) then it could be a future option if things do not change.First though, you need to talk to him about it, what you expect, and what you will not put up with.Encourage him to talk about what he wants from retirement and how both of you can be happy together with a few changes.Good luck.

Its his retirement and he will spend it how he likes. Well, sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose. Why not start telling him about your retirement that you will spend how you like. Ideas could include not living with a slugabed who will not answer the phone, getting someone in to do all the jobs that need doing round the house. Not living with someone who slobs around the house when out of bed.

As Luckygirl suggests, go on holiday alone or go and stay with one of your children on your own, you could say this is preparation for spending your retirement how you like.

Divorce doesn't have to be the next step. How about dividing the house in two and one of you has a bedroom living room etc upstairs and the other down. You may possibly need to share bathroom and kitchen, which will give some contact on neutral territory. He can then enjoy his retirement his way in his rooms out of your sight so that you can do likewise, but make it clear that each person's rooms are sacrosanct, no visits without an appointment. If that doesn't lead him to change and start realising he is in a partnership, perhaps separation and then divorce is inevitable.

My tactic in dealing with passive agression is just to make decisions and implement them. If someone will not discuss issues they cannot complain if they do not like the solutions implemented.

Irene you are in a horrid situation.

This would appear to be an extreme example of depression due to being retired and early medical retirement at that. DH will be tired with stress/anxiety anyway and if he is on medication that may well make him even more tired.
Being retired due to stress/anxiety he must have had some medical input to get to that point in which case there must be a doctor who is familiar with his case or will have access to his case notes. I would hope that if you still love him as you say then you have either already gone down the route of consulting the doctor on your own or would be prepared to do so. I don't think the doctor will discuss your husband with you but your concerns would surely be noted on his health notes. It would be worth making your own notes of things that concern you and on which you need help and reassurance particularly so that you don't forget anything. In any case you clearly have concerns about your own safety in regard to his behaviour so that is worth registering. You might even ask if there is a system in place where perhaps the doctor might make a house call when things are particularly bad, that may be something to hold on to which might help you cope.

When do you envisage retiring yourself?
I ask this because he is retired and at home where you work underlining to him that you are still working and he is not. He has been retired presumably not at his own instigation? This may be causing some angst.
Could you work elsewhere so that you are not under his feet all the time?
Is your financial situation such that you would even be able to retire yourself or are you working longer because you now have to? That might even be another situation causing him guilt and angst and in a perverse way causing him to react badly against you.
Perhaps he needs you to be retired with him? He is not making it an attractive proposition though is he?

Do your children know about the situation and what do they think about it?
At the very least you need to hold a family conference and only you will know if you need to have him there or not. As adults your children should be mature enough to assist you in finding a way forward and giving their input. They also need to be aware of DH's mental state and your concerns for your own health too since this will inevitably impact on you all eventually.

40 years of marriage is a long time together and not something one could easily toss aside even due to mental health issues. From what you say he is not able to be rational if you issue 'an ultimatum with a divorce threat' so do be very careful not to go down that road or you could be on a 'runaway train'.

Please forgive the long post!

Thank you all for your replies, gives me a lot to think about!
Synonymous, I appreciate your considered response concerning my husband. I do believe there is a mental health problem but he is definitely not depressed. There is anxiety and probably a marginal personality disorder including being passive aggressive. His retirement was absolutely what he wanted and yes he was bullied at work for a while which precipitated the medical part but he totally managed his own retirement out of the workplace.
Because I work for myself I do enjoy it and do get lots of great feedback from clients. He definitely doesn't want me to work at all just wants me to be at his side but I would die of boredom! I only work part time as I look after a grandchild a couple of days as well. I don't plan to retire for a few years. He does join in with the grandchild but it's clear that it is 'my job' not his. He just doesn't seem to want any responsibility for anything at all.
Christmas was a case in point. He didn't plan for, buy, wrap or deliver a single card or present Except for me but I told him what to get, it didn't get wrapped and he said he had lost my card. I could go on but I am boring myself now!! We do need a serious chat though that's evident. Great to let it out here, thank you all x

Yesterday I was tired of being about the house, dh was content in his chair, this was the afternoon, he had been on the roof for a half hour during the morning retrieving the broken chimney pot courtesy of Storm Frank.

Early afternoon I asked dh if he fancied going for a walk. He said No. Ten minutes later I was ready for the road and said I'd see him later. Dh was a bit surprised. I had a walk, kindle with me, went in for coffee etc. and reappeared home 3 hours later.

Today I asked dh if he'd like to go to the cinema to see The Lady in the Van... not really his type of movie but I guess he didn't want to say No again, off we went and had a lovely afternoon with hot nuts and popcorn.I would have gone on my own.

Irene I do appreciate that your dh would be content to let you get on with it, but in my case, dh was surprised into action.

We also sometimes have the the endless Sky Sports, News etc. but now I say .... We're in a democracy..... Enough !!

Irene - do not read too much into OH's reluctance to involve himself in Christmas preparations. There is another thread on here where many wives are saying precisely the same thing; and my OH would not have the faintest clue who had been given what from "us."

Irene ooh dear, that is passive aggressive with a vengeance! I think it would still be wise to see his doctor and have the family conference as you really do need support.
As for the hoarded stuff in your house I would discreetly start clearing it away, binning or charity shop, - and if it is worth anything (and you can be bothered) flog it and get yourself something nice as reward for doing the work. You really can't afford to let that get out of hand because that will affect your health. I actually know someone who has literally filled her house to the extent that the bath is full and the oven holds books! I know she has a standard lamp and can see the shade perched on top of the 'stuff' surrounding it. I can't visit her any more as the smell is so bad and it isn't just body odour. The whole situation is actually hazardous and a fire risk and you wouldn't want to live like that.
You must not be bullied into giving up what you love doing, your work is not all consuming or detrimental to your DH. Is your GC his GC as well and does he interact with or ignore your GC?
Overall perhaps it is 'tough love' needed here and I mean extreme tough love! coolgran seems to have hit on a good strategy do you think it might work for you or be worth trying? You ladies both need to stake your claim to your TVs for those times when there is something you want to watch and hopefully it can be done kindly, possibly with shared drinks and nibbles to make it acceptable, and in order to lay down a marker.
coolgran good for you on the afternoon out and so glad you had another afternoon and enjoyed that film together too. That is a film I really want to see and thankfully so does DH so we are looking forward to that.
I am so sorry for you both and wish you well, do let us know how you get on and what is/is not working for you. for you both and (((hugs))).

Hello Irene

I was sorry to read about the problems you are having with your husband. What you were saying is very similar to what my Sister is having to put up with her husband. He is 60 and a few years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger's. I know it hasn't helped my Sister as she finds it hopeless trying to live with him but at least the whole family now know why he behaves like he does.

My sister has had to just try to make a life with her friends as her husband doesn't seem to be interested in anything. We feel he is worse than he used to be. He is exceptionally good at playing his guitar.This seems to be his only interest.

So perhaps you could try to lead a bit of a separate life and make the most of what you have.

My best wishes to you.

Synonymous Sorry - I think I've given the wrong impression of my dh. He is actually pretty upbeat, makes breakfast every day, and is a pleasure to be with.

I was using my 'well, I'm off for a walk anyway' as an example of wanting to break up a couple of inactive days.

He does love his sports and news but is willing to compromise i.e. only another 20 minutes of this match pet. I say -- I think we've had enough of that now, what else is on?

So sad for those who have reached a time when we'd like some home comforts, company (including respect) and a few laughs...... only to wonder when did the nice person that we chose to spend our life with disappear.

Hi Irene, I'm new to this site, but want to help if possible! My OH retired from a very stressful job he went from a 40 hour a week to nothing! He was ok for the first few months but then he started to decline in his mood to the point of a terrible breakdown. He always looked forward to retiring but couldn't handle it. It took another 18 months of counselling for him to fully recover. But what really helped him and saved him from being hospitalized was a puppy! It gave him a sense of responsibility and he was needed again. Our little dog is his best buddy and he idolizes her.
What I'm saying is would he not consider counselling even joint counselling. Maybe he has lost his way in life and just needs to find himself again. Could you not leave him to look after your grandchildren so he has a purpose. I really hope you can sort things out 40yrs is a very long time to be together. Good luck whatever you decide.

coolgran so pleased to hear that.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Now I am on here I will endeavour to help/advise other members. It's a wonderful tribe to be in!
Rascal, I think your reply hit a nerve. My husband is very intelligent but does lack social skills. I have researched endlessly during the down times we have had to try and understand his behaviours and aspergers is one I have gone back to many times.
He is not a horrible person but has just become incredibly selfish about how he spends his time.
Synonymous, yes they are his GC and he does interact to a point i.e, till they talk back!! We also have a dog and he does like the dog but has no real interest in walking him. I walk the dog for some solitude!
Like Rascals sister I am building a life for myself but I do include him when he wants to be included.
I don't think I want to divorce him really but sometimes...you know you just get that massive black cloud over you and that's when I am likely to be a bit impetuous and like one lady said it then becomes a runaway train. I could be on that train today if I hadn't vented on here instead!!
I feel calm and more in control. Thank you.

When I worked in the Women 's Refuge we classed all the women ( after they had had time to have a long rest) as depressed if they spent the day in bed. It sounds as if he is in a real emotional mess, that he won't be able to get out it of himself.
You have to seperate in your house if possible. Make one room your own amd work in it and sleep in it and lock the door. You have to keep yourself sane and he has to come to terms with his own condition. As long as he gets meals served etc he is just being spoilt.
Actually it is a money problem. Rich people don't have these problems they have several houses and flats on the Riviera which they can go to and Mrs Churchill spent half the year travelling and staying with friends in the South of France and was not living with 'Winston' with his black dog moods.

How I sympathise with your situation and I do hope these posts have helped even through just unburdening yourself.
I retired myself 9 months ago which forces me to spend 24/7 with my DP who has no friends and literally no hobbies or interests although he is supportive and caring. Also our house is tiny so that if I am at home I can't get away from him. Although I go out a lot I never get any time on my own at home as he won't go out. He is also partly disabled, frequently ill and much diminished after a stroke 5 years ago so unable to do typical male hobbies - if only he played golf or was a train spotter!! Any interests I have more or less forced him to start such as U3A just peter out after a few sessions and he finds an excuse not to carry on. I can't describe how irritated by and sometimes repulsed I am by him! However, leaving is out if the question financially so I decided to try and be more sympathetic and loving to him and to an extent it has worked and I am getting used to the feeling of claustrophobia although I still lose it and snap at him from time to time. After living alone for some years for me it is on balance preferable to have somebody to share your life with, share meals and laugh at TV programmes and occasionally go out together even if he is far from perfect just like me! It sounds like you don't even get the benefit of companionship but only you can judge what balance is right for you.
Returning to the original post other contributers have rightly said that his behaviour is very far from the norm and speculated about depression and a possible diagnosis on the autism spectrum. I would like to add that it is also possible that he is displaying some of the earliest signs of dementia. At first, as I know with my own mother who after nearly ten years of dementia died this year, the signs are very subtle but looking back there were definite changes in her behaviour , loss of empathy with others and she lost her sense of smell before the classic early signs of forgetting people, unable to navigate etc. Although there are common themes in dementia each person has their own unique version depending on their personality and environment. Others for example lose their inhibitions which my Mum never did.
You may need to take your children fully into your confidence although they might not be sympathetic and try to minimise what you are saying to them to preserve their own view of the father they love. You might perhaps underestimate the split in the family that could happen if you do leave him. Adult children can react very badly to a change in the status quo if parents divorce, they can take sides and as they are only human they will naturally think (even if somewhat selfishly) about what this means for them will they have to end up caring for their father? What about their inheritance? Again you will need to pre judge this for yourself.

Hi Irene, am not sure where to start as much of your situation mirrors my own. 38 years married. He too is very intelligent and 'not a bad man' and 'is happy living life his way'. He is not prepared to bend either for me or anyone else. He is retired, has no friends and no interest in socialising, indeed avoids it and like your research Aspergers seems to be an indicator.

Living in this controlling relationship takes its toll, it is very stressful and we are the ones who concede again and again and our needs are not met or even considered. We are constantly having to consider, adjust, accommodate, manage and mediate situations forced upon us by their inflexible chosen lifestyles. That isn't a partnership.

We MUST have compassion for ourselves and foremost consider our own health and wellbeing, putting us back into the driving seat of OUR lives and not an unhappy 'passenger'.

I have, and once house is sold, I shall be moving close to DD, DSiL and DGD, with my DS, all of whom are supportive. Yes, I am grieving, I still care deeply, but am back in control of my life and terrifying that it is, I am motivated as his insular lifestyle will be just that, his..and not mine. I am hoping we can remain friends for our family's sake.

My situation aside, what I am saying is please take care of your emotional wellbeing as I know to my cost how it chips away and we lose who we really are.

Stay strong and I really do wish you all the best in your life.

Jacqui - And if OH is ill with a progressive disease, how then do we " have compassion for ourselves and foremost consider our own health and well being, putting us back into the driving seat of OUR lives and not an unhappy 'passenger'"?

There are many of us on here for whom the choice that you have made cannot be possible as we have responsibilities that override our personal needs. We simply have to try and concentrate on the good things: GC, family, music etc. The choice that you have made is only possible because your OH is able to function as an independent person. Would you do it if he were dependent on you?

This is the situation I am in, Luckygirl. Having been married for almost 30 years to a selfish, emotionally cold man who does not communicate other than to indicate his own opinions and wishes I decided a couple of years ago that I would leave him.

Around the same time he was diagnosed with a terminal illness that has a life expectancy of around 3 years, so I decided that a divorce would make no sense under those circumstances. We are now 2 years further down the line and his condition is worsening. Without wanting to sound callous or horrible I can say, he is still the same man I would have left and has not changed for the better in any way. The fact that he is ill and dying is not my fault and I would still leave him today if, for example, the life expectancy was 10 years, just as an example.

Life presents us with all kinds of strange situations and choices and only we can decide what is best for us at the end of the day. I think what matters is that we ourselves can live with our decisions.

He might well love but it's very much on his terms. This degree of selfishness is unacceptable imo. Look at the definition of domestic abuse and you might be surprised at how some of his actions fit. Not speaking for 3 months?????? I would be looking for a place of my own and living my life the way I want too. Sorry to be harsh but you deserve better.